2024 In Review. Enjoy It Warm Or Over Ice.

“The Year in Review, as Told by Ted Baxter.” – Mary Tyler Moore

Or should I have said it was a waist of space?

Most memes are “as found”.

Every year, I try to do a “year in review” post, so, here it is!  What struck me this year is that so very much happened that was entirely unprecedented in the history of our country, and that’s not a good thing.  So, I thought I’d at least try to make it amusing.

January:

• 5 – An emergency exit door on Alaska Airlines Flight 1282 blew out. Boeing?    Boeing.
• 11 – The New England Patriots® fired coach Bill Belichick after he failed to give owner Robert Kraft a happy ending.
• 26 – The jury in Carroll v. Trump awards the ugly harpy Carroll $83.3 million for defamation. Because?

February:

• 4 – El Salvador’s President Bukele, the self-proclaimed “world’s coolest dictator,” claimed victory before anyone even counted the votes, and continued to toss criminals in jail, even though El Salvador is now officially less violent than the United States.
• 8 – The Special Counsel looking into the documents that Biden had stuffed in his garage recommended that no charges be brought, since Biden had, “the memory of a goldfish, and I feel sorry for him because he has to live with Jill, who often withholds ice cream from him without reason.”
• 20 – Three passengers of Alaska Airlines Flight 1282 sue Boeing for $1 billion dollars for “doing the stuff Boeing normally does.” Their attorney, Dr. Evil, is unavailable for comment.
• 23 – A Chinese spy balloon is detected over Utah, obviously tasked with infiltrating the Mormon Temple.

Barron is planning on starting a business.  He’s going into partnership with Godzilla and they plan to flip houses.

March:

• 6 – Nimarata Randhawa Haley drops out of the presidential race, citing concerns that “there is no U in team, and there’s no U in my name, either. So, it’s not about me, it’s about U.
• 26 – The ocean cargo carrier MV Dali, named after the painter, turned the Francis Scott Key bridge in Baltimore into a surrealist sculpture.
• 28 – Samuel Bankman-Fraud was sentenced to 25 years on prison after defrauding (how did they not see this coming?) of over $8 billion. Bankman-Fraud was a champion of what he called “effective altruism”, which turned out to be “effectively screwing his investors to support GloboLeft causes.”

April:

• 20 – Another $20 billion to Ukraine. Nothing to see here, Zelensky’s Visa® bill was due.
• 23 – Voyager 1 finally starts sending usable data after a five-month gap. Voyager 1 explained, “Sorry, absolutely nothing to look at, so I didn’t call in.  Seriously, I’ve seen more action in a church parking lot on Sunday morning.”

May:

• 1 – The United Methodist Church™ votes to allow LGBTQ clergy and requires same-sex weddings be allowed. “We’ve run out of other sins to encourage, so we’re embracing these.  Also, we’re planning on turning the churches into rainbow discos for June.”
• 7 – The Boy Scouts of America™ announces they have changed their name to Scouting America, effective February 8, 2025 since they, “No longer understand what a boy is.”
• 30 – Trump is convicted of 34 felonies for paying a tramp money. His own money.  Luckily, Trump was never seen going to a strip club.

June:

• 5 – Boeing’s© Starliner® is launched. Immediately it begins acting like a Boeing™ product, and the crew it sent to the ISS® is still marooned.
• 10 – Chiquita Brands™ is found guilty of financing far-right paramilitary death squads by a federal jury. Hey, who says a banana company can’t be perfect?
• 18 – Nvidia™ becomes the most valuable publicly-traded company in the world, because who needs a social life if you’ve got a fast graphics card?
• 22 – The Biden/Trump debate proved that when Joe looked for his train of thought, he found it had derailed years ago.

July:

• 13 – Trump survives an assassination attempt by the Left as effective as their ability to implement socialism.
• 15 – Trump’s classified document case is dismissed, proving the GloboLeft can’t even win their own witch hunt.
• 21 – Biden announces on X® that he’s dropping out of the presidential race to spend more time with his cognitive decline.

August:

• 19 – Kamala Harris and Tim Walz are nominated by the Democratic National Convention to be “Designated Losers” in the race against Donald Trump.
• 20 – Harris wakes up and says, “I did what?”

September:

• 10 – Trump and Harris debated, primarily notable for Kamala appearing to be somewhat sober.
• 12 – Elon Musk launches the first commercial spacewalk mission, Polaris Dawn, which proved that keg stands can be done in space.
• 18 – The Tupperware™ company files for bankruptcy, hermetically sealing their fate.

Are they Putin on the Ritz?

October:

• 1 – Jimmy Carter celebrated his 100^th birthday by planning reminisce about the good old days when presidents only had to deal with nuclear-armed Soviets, Iranian revolutionaries, and a failing economy.
• 13 – Elon Musk celebrates as the 233-foot-long Starship™ booster is caught and put into a rocket shelter, where it hopes to be adopted by a good family.
• 17 – North Korean troops head to Russia to fight alongside Russian troops. This is apparently the premise for a sitcom with live ammunition.
• 27 – Donald Trump holds a rally at Madison Square Garden, causing global warming concerns as all of the GloboLeft snowflakes melted down outside.

Kamala Harris is reduced to stealing Chiquita® bananas because she doesn’t want to support right-wing death squads.

November:

• 5 – Election day, and Trump won. The ghost of Don Rickles said, “Donald, you’re back!  What, did you miss the attention or the free meals at the state dinners?
• 5 – The Senate and House flipped to the Right, giving Republicans control so that they can disappoint us that much more.
• 25 – Continuing Trumptember, Jack Smith dismisses the 2020 election interference case against Trump.

December:

• 1 – In a move that should surprise no one, Joe Biden pardoned his crack-smoking son, Hunter.
• 8 – Syria falls and Bashar al-Assad heads to Moscow to be an ophthalmologist. I’m not making this up.
• 9 – Daniel Penny is acquitted of criminally negligent homicide in New York City, proving once again that it’s really expensive to ride the subway.
• 24 – Drones will be set up by the Department of Defense to create an impenetrable barrier around the country to prevent the scourge of Santa from his annual crime spree of break-ins.

What did I miss?