“He’s trying to convince me that any independent contractors working on the Death Star© were innocent victims when it was destroyed.” – Clerks
The 200th Anniversary of the United States was named after a pop music group. (inspiration from Silicon Graybeard LINK)
Euripides Schumer wrote 86 draft versions of the Declaration of Dependence before being fired and replaced by Thomas Jefferson who changed the title to the Declaration of Independence and fixed . . . a lot of other things. Schumer’s first version that was turned in looked something like this:
At THE ANTIFA® CLUBHOUSE, July 4, 1776
The unanimous Declaration of the GloboLeft Soviets of America:
When in the Course of decolonizing human events, it becomes necessary for one intersectionally oppressed people to dissolve the toxic political bands which have connected them with the racist, cis-heteronormative, colonialist, capitalist patriarchy, and to assume among the powers of the Earth the separate and equitable station to which the Laws of Social Justice and Intersectional Gender Theory entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of the legacy media and AOC’s Bluesky® feed requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
George Washington wasn’t antisocial, he just wasn’t into parties.
We hold these truths to be self-evident (after running them through the Ministry of Equity and a mandatory diversity audit), that all humans (and non-binary persons, and in some interpretations certain animals, who are allowed to consent to sex) are created unequal in their capacity for victimhood, that they are endowed by their lived experiences with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Equity, Safe Spaces, Pronoun Affirmation, Climate Reparations, Open Borders, Mental Therapy, two years of maternity leave, access to women’s changing spaces, and the pursuit of Happiness. This is, of course, provided that happiness does not trigger anyone. That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Persons, deriving their just powers from the consent of the most marginalized,
That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends by clinging to reality, merit, borders, tradition, or color-blind laws, it is the Right of the Oppressed to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on DEI principles and Organizing its Powers in such form as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety, Happiness, and Lazy Girl Jobs.
Little known fact: Yoda’s last name is “Layheehoo”.
Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient Causes, unless the change involves dismantling Western civilization, in which case it is always urgent. And, accordingly, all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer under the patriarchy while Evils are Sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are Accustomed, like the nuclear family, free speech, or the concept of objective truth. But when a long Train of Abuses and Usurpations by the privileged, pursuing invariably the same Object of maintaining power structures, evinces a design to reduce the marginalized under absolute Despotism of Whiteness, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government and to provide new Guards for their future security in the form of endless bureaucracy, pointless degrees and certifications, free college, re-education camps, poetry readings, and corporate HR departments.
Such has been the patient sufferance of these Oppressed; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present evil white Christian man, or whichever legacy figure is convenient this Week, is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny of Merit and Tradition over these Safe Spaces. To prove this, let Facts (as curated by our narrative) be submitted to a candid (but properly biased) world.
Little known fact: I was named after Thomas Jefferson. Over two hundred years after.
Whenever you see “he”, it is about the patriarchy, and not at all my father who I have gone no contact with. Don’t even.
He has refused his Assent to Laws the most wholesome and necessary for unlimited immigration and population replacement.
He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate importance for equity unless suspended until approved by the proper diversity officers.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people unless those people would relinquish the right of actual representation in favor of proportional equity.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population replacement of the white people of these States by obstructing the naturalization of and free housing of foreigners.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by insisting on color-blind laws instead of equity-based outcomes.
Andrew Jackson was so tough that when he was shot in a duel, the bullet ended up in critical condition.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices for border security and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people (the recent arrivals) and eat out their substance by enforcing actual laws and totally ignoring our sanctuary cities designations.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, ideas of meritocracy and individual responsibility without the consent of the Universities.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power of transexual rights and pronoun PowerPoints®.
He has combined with others (fossil fuel companies, reactionaries, traditionalists, and parents who notice things) to subject us to a jurisdiction of reality foreign to Our Lived Truth.
For imposing Taxes on the rich without giving enough of it away in reparations.
For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of equity by allowing free speech and due process.
For transporting us beyond Seas (metaphorically) to uncomfortable truths about biology and history.
For not allowing the abolition of the free System of English-derived Laws in favor of feelings-based jurisprudence.
For not allowing permanent bureaucratic rule by an unelected elite.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us by allowing parents to object to school curricula and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers the merciless ideas of Western Civilization, whose known rule is an undistinguished destruction of all safe spaces, genders, and feelings.
A chicken yelled to the duck on the other side of the road: “Don’t do it, buddy. You’ll never hear the end of it.”
In every stage of these Oppressions, We have Petitioned for Redress in the loudest and most emotional terms while screeching and doxxing and canceling anyone who disagreed. Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury and being called names like “commie” or “limp-wristed sissy-boy.” A System whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant of Whiteness is unfit to be the ruler of an equitable people.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the GloboLeft, in our AntiFa® meetings, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Goddess of Equity for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Safe Spaces, solemnly publish and declare, That these AntFa© Clubs are, and of Right ought to be given money and saved from Whiteness, Capitalism, Patriarchy, Borders, Merit, and Objective Reality; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the Constitution and any founding principles that aren’t intersectional, and that all political connection between them and the legacy of the West is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States they have full Power to levy Taxes for equity programs, conclude Alliances with the UN®, WEF™, and open-border NGOs, establish Commerce in feelings and carbon credits, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do, including mandatory pronoun training and the abolition of due process when it conflicts with equity. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Intersectionality, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our Sacred Safe Spaces.
I can see why they fired Euripides Schumer. It was hate!
