Teutoburg Forest And Immigration Policy

“What of Arminius?” – Spartacus:  Blood and Sand

Ma Wilder yelled at me after I went jogging with Julius and Augustus.  “Never run with a pair of Caesars!”  (most memes as-found)

It was September 7, 9 A.D.

Like ducks, three Roman legions comprising 20,000 to 30,000 men under the command of Publius Quinctilius Varus were looking to head south for the winter.  Romans campaigned in the summer in Germany, and then went back across the Rhine for their winter camps where they, I don’t know, drank wine.  Maybe the men of the XVII, XVIII, and XIX legions studied hard for their Roman Legionnaire test in hopes of getting a C after having V beers?

Anyway, this trip home for the winter, one of the officers advising Varus was a 27-year-old named Arminius.  Arminius, likely the son of a German nobleman, had been taken as a hostage from a German tribe at around the age of 10.  For 17 years, Arminius had been raised in Rome, gone to Roman schools, been given Roman military training, and was even raised to the social rank of Equestrian, the second highest social rank at the time.

Arminius, knowing the country, told Varus that he knew a shortcut back to the winter quarters.  It would be easy, and they could make a side stop along the way to show some Germanic tribes that had been FA the FO part.

A shortcut and a smackdown:  two problems with one solution.

All they had to do was skip the well-known and well-guarded path home and go through a forest or two.  “And who doesn’t like a trip through the forest?  It even has a cool name, the Teutoburg Forest.

“It’ll be the trip of a lifetime!”

Varus:  “It’s scary in the forest.”  Arminius:  “You’re scared?  I have to walk out of here alone.”

Now, moving 20,000 to 30,000 guys isn’t easy, and it was especially hard because rather than having a wide space to move through, the Roman column was likely over 10 miles long.  Oh, and Arminius told Varus, “Hey, I’ll take all these German auxiliary troops and go get the rest of the guys to support you.  Don’t worry, I’ll leave you some of my best guys who know the country.  They’re totally not spies.”

While the Romans were in the long line, they were attacked by forest Germans.  Not a lot, just enough tire out the Romans and damage their supplies.  When this big snake of an army finally finished up for the day, they got to a strong fort that the first-arriving legionnaires had erected, making it a good, strong Roman erection.

Oh, and those totally not spies?  They disappeared by the 9^th.

Shapes that commit crimes are often sentenced to prism.

Then it started raining.  A lot.  The Romans decided to try to escape by going forward.  On muddy ground, where the only choice was walking right next to the forest or in the swamp.  And the path was covered in trees that had been knocked down, slowing them down.

As this was an ambush, the Germans were well prepared, had cover, and even had made walls so they could attack the Romans without exposing themselves.

The result was a slaughter.  There are a lot of details, but Varus ended up literally falling on his own sword in the approved manner for being such an idiot, though his head did make a Planes, Trains, and Automobiles-style trip back to Rome.  The three legions themselves were shattered.  I’d use the word decimated, but that would indicate that only one out of ten was killed.  Nope, in this case Arminius and the Germans killed most of the Romans in battle, sacrificed the officers, and enslaved a few of the common troops.

It was all over by September 11.

Why was 10 scared?  He was in the middle of 9/11.

This wasn’t where it ended, no.  The Germanic tribes wiped out all Roman military presence east of the Rhine.  This was a decisive victory and ended Rome’s desire to conquer the Germanic tribes as it had Gaul.  It also led to this quote attributed to Caesar Augustus:  “Quintilius Varus, give me back my legions!”

Augustus was miffed.  And Rome was miffed.  But the Germanic tribes lived on.

Tacitus records that in 15 A.D., when the Roman military commander and father of future Roman Caesar Caligula, Germanicus, visited the Teotoburg Forest battle site that there were “bones scattered across the ground” along with “fragments of weapons and limbs of horses”.  Oh, and human heads, nailed to tree trunks.

Augustus used to prank his praetorian guard by pretending to choke on his food.  It’s an old gag.

I came away from thinking about this battle with several ideas.  The most important one was Arminius himself.  Despite being given nearly every advantage that Roman society had to offer, Arminius was never Roman.  He was brilliant, he was exceptional enough to be given military leadership, and he had spent seven more years as a Roman than the ten he had as a German.

But there was no amount of Rome that would make Arminius less German.  And, rightly, Arminius is a hero to Germans.

That forest was really full of Germans that day.  You could say it was krauted.

But he’s also a warning to Americans.

As I look to the United States today, I see a country that is fragmented in many ways that Rome wasn’t at the time.  How many more soldiers like Major Nidal Malik Hassan, who killed 14 people and shot 32 others trying to kill them are in the armed forces?

It’s not just moslems, though, it’s every single person inside our borders that is against the traditional Western values that made the nation is a potential Arminius.  Every business leader that loots America and hollows it out for their home nation is a potential Arminius.  How is it legal that an Indian CEO of Microsoft© fired thousands of Americans at the same time he hired his countrymen in nearly exactly the same number on H-1B visas to fill those jobs?

Never forget what they really think of us.

Arminius is a hero to Germans, at least the ones that don’t speak Arabic at home.  But he’s also a warning to all of Western Civilization that taking the advice of foreigners or people with a primary allegiance against you and who want to take you into dense dark forests is still a pretty bad idea. I’m C percent sure.