Month: December 2020

“Since when can weathermen predict the weather, let alone the future?” – Back to the Future

It’s easy to buy clothes for psychics – they’re all mediums.

In the past I’ve done, once or twice, a humorous year in review post. 2020? Let’s let that year rot in the grave – in many ways, it was a year that was worse than having to spend the weekend after Christmas with the Kardashians.

How was that weekend I spent with the Kardashians?

It was hairy, smelly, oily, and just plain silly, no matter how much money got thrown around, it was still awful and made me want to take a month-long shower.

Instead, let’s look forward. Here I have a group of predictions made by the best psychics I could find on the Psychic Friends Network® who somehow decided working for $7.99 a minute was better than winning the lottery or buying Tesla© stock in 2010. These were confirmed by the time-traveling Stephen Hawking, who said, “Yeah, it all looks legit,” before beating me in a one-on-one game of basketball.

I really suck at basketball. Plus? Time-travelling Stephen Hawking is a robot with chainsaw arms.

Trust me, 2021 will be better.

January, 2021

Faced by a mounting crisis in Canada brought about by forgetting to pay the electric bill, Canadian armed forces launch an invasion of Detroit to check for spare change in the couches. The 82^nd Airborne is dispatched and quickly prevents invasion of the desirable parts of Michigan. The Canadian Army quickly surrenders, but insists on adding an extra “u” in words like labor, honor, and Wednesday. Within 72 hours the Treaty of Fargo is signed, whereby Canada is punished by being prohibited from withdrawing from Detroit, and also forced to take the Jacksonville Jaguars® and Amy Schumer.

German leader Angela Merkel is quick to condemn the United States, saying, “In the annals of humanity there has never been a bigger war crime than forcing the decent citizens of Canada to take a sub-par NFL® team. Never. You’ll just have to trust me on this.”

Angela Merkel arrives in Paris:
“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.
“German,” Merkel replies.
“Occupation?”
“No, just here for a few days.”

February, 2021

Facebook® and Google™ announce a joint partnership to, “just know and predict everything about you so that we can manipulate you like a rancher manipulates cattle and extract every bit of value from you before we recycle you into Earth-friendly products.”

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts rules that this is fine. Writing in his majority opinion, he says, “they (Facebook© and Google®) are private companies and are thus not covered by the First Amendment. Also, they have all of my Internet history, and the secret naughty chats I’ve been having with Justice Kagan, and I really don’t want my wife seeing those.”

March, 2021

According to the medical journal, The Lancet, the first COVID-19 vaccine recipients spontaneously renounce any Leftist policy and become staunch supporters of nationalism, Constitutional government and individual liberty. Congressman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez calls for the immediate recall of the vaccine.

Thankfully, nothing happens if she eats ice cream too fast.

April, 2021

George R.R. Martin announces he has written seven complete pages of his next book in the Game of Thrones® series titled, The Winds of Winter. “At this rate, I’ll be complete with the series by the year 4731. So, fans, there’s something to look forward to!”

Martin then laughed his jolly elfin laugh and jumped naked, except for his signature hat, into a swimming pool filled with $100 bills after a dinner of eating panda roasted over glowing Moon-rocks.

May, 2021

In a surprise session, the governments of 33 States serve notice to the United States that they are seceding from the Union. In the joint declaration to the Federal government via short phone call, the States note, “Listen, we tried to work this out. Don’t cry. Stop. It’s not you. It’s me. I’ve changed. I’m keeping the dog. And the nuclear weapons. And all the Tom Petty albums.”

Texas changes its Facebook™ profile to “single.” Canada is still required to keep Detroit and the Jacksonville Jaguars©, despite launching a surprise offensive on the Nordstrom™ outlet in St. Paul, Minnesota, which failed because they didn’t have actual money for parking meters. Who knew those meters would reject Canadian quarters?

I heard that Texas was voted “most likely to secede” in high school.

June, 2021

Elon Musk announces he has joined his consciousness with a machine, specifically a postal meter in the United States Post Office in Enid, Oklahoma (Zip Code 73701). Musk specifically chose this meter because he “want(ed) to not only dominate car production, and space flight, but also being able to know exactly what small objects weigh and calculate what the postage would cost to ship something far away. It’s not so easy to figure that out, you know.”

July, 2021

[REDACTED DUE TO NSC 1993-473-AB-01]

August, 2021

Practical immortality was announced jointly by the Bill Gates Foundation© and the World Economic Forum™. In a surprise, it involves subscribing to Microsoft™ Office© 365®, eating only food obtained from bugs, and living in a small pod as approved by the Facebook™/Google© Freedom For All™ coalition, and limiting stressors by avoiding unapproved news sources.

“With this new technology, most Americans can now expect to live meaningful, productive lives up to at least the age of 50, which is nearly immortal,” said Gates, while stroking a long-furred snow-white cat.

Bill Gates only wants one thing for giving us immortality, namely, to rename the Earth: “The Planet of the Apps.”

September, 2021

President-For-Life Kamala Harris indicated that rumors of her executing prisoners in her last remaining enclave of Beverly Hills were, “gross exaggerations. In most cases, they fought each other to the death for Chicken McNuggets®. We even gave some of the winners Hot Mustard™ sauce, which I believe is in line with the Geneva Convention.”

As troops loyal to the American United American States of America surrounded the Western White House, President-For-Life Harris said, “Guys, can’t you take a joke?”

October, 2021

The Federal Reserve® announced that the main Federal Reserve Bank™ headquarters in Washington, D.C. was robbed by George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and a long list of Hollywood B-list celebrities who were engaged in an overly complicated heist, with comic relief provided by Julia Roberts.

Fed© Chairman, Britney Spears, noted that, “We didn’t lose anything. We don’t have any actual money, silly, we just print it.”

November, 2021

Netflix® Health Advisor© and Minister Plenipotentiary Dr. “Fat Tony” Anthony Fauci stated flatly, “Listen, Harvard© has told us as early as 1968 that sugar is good for you. Eat all you can. And smoking isn’t that bad for you, especially if you smoke filtered cigarettes by a major manufacturer. Corn syrup? It should be called corn sugar! I bathe in it and rub it on my chest every day. So wholesome and healthy!”

When asked about why he said that masks against COVID firstly in February 2020, “wouldn’t help” and then later “should be mandatory,” Fauci said, “Oh my gosh, what is that over there? Look! A baby wolf!”

Dr. Fauci at a press conference: “Don’t worry. If I’m wrong, I’ll still have a job.”

December, 2021

Mopping up actions continue in the former “Socialist Republic of the West” and the collapsed “First New England Commune.” After determining that 93% of the residents couldn’t be poets, communist theorists, and crystal dolphin therapists due to the inability to feed themselves, the last snarky Twitter™ post went up on December 23, 2021, “Well, actually, not everyone celebrates Christmas, so by saying ‘Merry Christmas’ to me you aren’t being Christian at all, are you?”

As of December 25, 2021, peace and harmony prevail in the Reconstituted United States of America, though anyone with the word “studies” in their degree title is immediately sentenced to 7 years in the RUSA “Leisure Camps” where residents are “encouraged” to actually produce something.

See, I told you 2021 would be better!

“You’ll put your eye out.” – A Christmas Story

Nobody was too concerned with my eyes.  But do NOT make us have to pay for a neighbor’s window.

(This was first published in 2018, but I’ve made some slight edits.  Merry Christmas!)

I’m a believer in Christmas – it’s a time of redemption and rebirth that proves that miracles can happen.  People can escape their past, and become something more than they were before – they can become reborn.  We can become better.  The birth of Christ is an example that we can all be reborn and change our lives in a miraculous and meaningful way.

But, I’m not sure I can recall any particular Christmas miracles.

Oh, wait, here’s one.  It’s mostly true, as well as I can recall, and field-tested to read aloud to your family:

On Christmas Day when I was in second grade, the one thing I wanted more than anything else was . . . a BB-Gun.  No, this is not a remake of A Christmas Story, this is A Wilder Story.  And I was there for this one.

As I recall, this was the last Christmas when we opened Christmas presents on Christmas morning.  In all following years, my older brother John Wilder and I wheedled our parents into a Christmas Eve opening of everything but “Santa” gifts.  We were insufferable.  My brother (really) is also named John Wilder – my parents didn’t want to waste those extra birth announcements they had bought when they could just change the day and year, but that’s another story.

But that particular Christmas morning when I was in second grade I looked down on a real-life lever-action Daisy® BB gun.  It looked like a real rifle even though the wood parts were plastic.  I’d never shot a real rifle before, but I knew that all I wanted for Christmas was that BB gun.  And there it was, all mine, pristine in its oiled metal and plastic perfection.

It looked very real.  Mine was the one on the bottom.  It was actually mistaken for a real rifle several times.  Mainly by me, because everyone who was an adult could see it was just a BB gun.

“Take care of that, and it’ll last you a long time, Son,” Pop said as he handed me my first gun.  This was the first time he’d said that to me, and I nodded gravely, feeling the responsibility and pride deep inside me.  Pop would later repeat that phrase about boots I got in high school, a Buck© pocket knife I got in fifth grade, and my first car.

I still have the BB gun and the boots.  I lost the knife, probably at school.  It was expected when I was a kid that you had a knife with you if you were in fifth grade, because what if you had to gut a fish during English class?

But I was in second grade, and I had a BB gun.  My BB gun.

And I was ready to use it.  I was given a quick tutorial on how to load it, a list of all the things (mainly windows), people (mainly windows), places (our windows), and forbidden objects (neighbor’s windows) that I shouldn’t even think of aiming my BB gun at, let alone shoot.  I was trusted to take my new BB gun out on a Christmas morning expedition, because it was made clear to me in no uncertain terms that the worst punishment in the world would fall upon me if I shot something I shouldn’t.  I would lose (probably until I was 40) my BB gun, be grounded from TV until I had my own children and probably be branded as a BB abuser for the rest of my life in my Permanent Record.  (For kids:  Permanent Record is now called Snapchat©.)

With the earnestness only a second grader can muster, I put on my deep blue Sears™ parka (the ad said it was designed for pilots stationed in . . . the ARCTIC, you know, where we fought the Soviets to save Santa from becoming, I guess, more Red) with polyester fur trim, and a pocket for pens and pencils on the arm, because where else would you keep pens and pencils except your left arm?  I pulled on my black felt-lined snow boots and stiff green plastic gloves, and went outside.  It was cold, certainly below freezing, and probably hovering around zero in non-communist units.

Like a pocket knife, every boy had a parka like this.  Every boy. But does anyone know why pilots need parkas if they’re in heated jet airplanes??  Oh, yeah.  Soviets.  Image from E-Bay.

It had already snowed enough that the snow pile in our front yard was 10 feet (43 meters) deep, but we had a packed trail where our snowmobiles had gone onto the snow-packed country road and up into miles of forest roads that dated back to the old prospectors looking for gold.

My feet crunched in the snow as I walked due north onto the road, my breath puffing out as if from a small blue fake-fur-trimmed steam engine headed uphill.  I kept going.  What was I looking for?  I’m not sure – I don’t remember, exactly.  I guess, looking at stuff with a BB gun in my hand and shooting anything that wouldn’t get me in trouble with Ma Wilder at the rate of 6 BBs per step.  But I felt like a man, and what would a man with a rifle do?  Hunt.  Win World War II again.  Look for communists.  It’s hazy, but I know I had a purpose.

Snakes weren’t a possibility, since I knew snakes wintered in Florida with baseball players, Santa and Cubans.  Regardless, I wanted to shoot my BB gun, even if the opportunities to send Soviets back to Russia with a backside full of BBs was limited, at best.  I still don’t recall ever seeing a Soviet in the forest until I saw Red Dawn, and then my BB gun was at home.

I guess Europe decided to sit this one out.

I trundled up the road.  I think that’s probably the only time I’ve used the word “trundled” precisely since it implies I moved along slowly, noisily, and in a less than graceful manner.  All of those applied.  But I was ten feet tall with my BB gun, shooting aimed fire into snowbanks and sage brush alike.  About a half a mile from my house, more than three-quarters of the way to the Old Cemetery, I saw it.

The Bear.

Sitting motionless, huddled against the barbed wire fence, not 20’ away, was the bear.  It was a black bear.  I knew that grizzly bears had been killed nearby, but this was definitely a black bear, being black and all.  Ma Wilder had told me about them before going hiking and told me to never, ever get between a black bear cub and its mother – she said that was more dangerous than being between Beto O’Rourke and a microphone.

I didn’t know if this bear was cub-sized or mother-sized, but I already knew that this was something way out of my experience level – I mean I still wasn’t even coloring within the lines very well.  Communists?  Sure, I could take down a dozen of them since they were weak because they were Godless and fatherless and mainly starving when they weren’t swilling massive quantities of cheap Afghan vodka.

But bears?  Better call the reinforcements (spelled D-A-D) in.

Calling out an APB on a tiny blonde boy.  He looked tasty.

I backed away from the bear, keeping my eyes on it the whole time.  My BB gun was loaded, a precious brass sphere ready to explode outward on a column of pressurized air at the bear should it charge me.  I knew I was too slow to out-trundle the bear.  Even my candy-cane addled brain knew that the BB was scant protection against a bear, but if I was going to go down, I was going to go down fighting like a man, and not running away like a weak Soviet child would.  Even though it was nearly zero, I built up a sweat in my green turtle neck under my Air Force Pilot Parka®.

That green turtle-neck was really tight and made me look a lot like an actual turtle, so I only wore it three times.  Why?  A chubby kid covered in the smell of fear sweat and Nacho Cheese Doritos™ isn’t really a winner with the ladies despite whatever Bill Clinton might say.

An aside:  In the safe realm of 2018, I know that it seems insane to allow a second grader to hike up into the forested wilderness alone at temperatures near zero on Christmas morning armed with a weapon that’s patently illegal to arm a second grader with in New York City, and twenty other states that are, no doubt, now deeply under the influence of the Soviets.  Or, does it?   When I last had a second grader (Pugsley) he had a BB gun and trundled off into the backyard with a zillion BBs.  I can attest our backyard is now safely Soviet-free.  But back in the day?  We weren’t building weak Soviet children.  No!  We had backbones of steel and cheap Taiwanese Rambo® knives with compasses built into the handle.

So, yeah, not unusual.  I guess it was a crazy thing called freedom.  Anyway . . .

I got back to the house and threw open the door.  I stamped my snow-covered feet inside.  Yeah, I know, bad form.  But I was in a hurry, I had real news and information for the family.

My parents were lounging on the couch, enjoying a quiet coffee.

“A BEAR!”  I yelled.

“I swear, I saw it, a bear!  It was just right up the road, right where the hill starts.  A bear!  A black one!”

Ma looked at Pop, concerned.

Pop Wilder shook his head.  “Bears are hibernating.  None are up this time of year, not when it’s this cold.”

“No, it was there, right by the fence.”

Ma Wilder nudged him, seeing the absolute certainty on my face.  “We should take a look.”

There is a look a man gives a woman when he knows that he has lost the argument even before it started.  I know that look because I saw it then.  Pop sighed, got up, and got dressed.  Half an hour later, he and Ma and my brother were all dressed, and ready to go up the road.  I had my BB gun.  I hoped that the bear would still be there.

We walked.  I pointed, when the Bear came into sight, not 300 yards away.

“See, I told you.”

Ma Wilder looked concerned when she saw visual proof of my story.  I think she had put my bear story into the category of “addled ravings of an overly imaginative eight-year old that may or may not process reality like a normal human after he told me that he was worried that Grandma would turn into a zombie (Sleep Deprivation, Health, Zombies, and B-Movies).”

As for me, I was concerned that Pop hadn’t brought bazookas, howitzers, grenades, or maybe a battleship.  Nah, Pop Wilder could probably wrestle a dozen or so bears, if they came up to him one at a time, like in the Kung Fu movies.  We finally got up to the road where we were perpendicular to the black bear, still huddled up against the fence, not 30 feet (432 meters) away.  It hadn’t moved since I’d first seen it.  I felt . . .vindicated, even though I’d never heard the word.

“Hand me the BB gun,” said Pop Wilder.

I did.

Pop shot one BB into the bear, smoothly worked the lever like a cowboy in the Old West, and then shot another BB into the bear.

The bear was motionless.  It must be dead!  Pop Wilder killed it!  Pop handed the BB gun back to me.

He then walked back into the deep snow directly to the bear, reached out, and pulled up the black plastic sheeting that had blown into a ball up against the fence.

He handed me back the BB gun and handed my brother the black plastic sheet.  We walked home in silence.

So, there was that:  the Miracle of the Transubstantiation of the Bear – where a Christmas miracle transmuted a black bear into a sheet of black plastic.  Not sure of any other explanation.

But the real Christmas miracle, it’s below.  Merry Christmas to all.

“It’s just crazy, you know? Everyone’s affected by it. It’s like all the money just vanished.” – South Park

James Bond’s doorbell goes:  Dong, Ding Dong.

As I’ve mentioned before, Pa Wilder was a banker at a small-town bank that mainly served small farmers.  I can recall (in one of my earliest memories) that a savings account was opened for me.  This account was fairly small in the amount of money that was in it, but Pa made me go to the teller and deposit the money that I had earned.

I had earned the money in the most Wilder way possible:  by being five and being completely un-babysittable.  Ma Wilder needed to go in to help Pa out at the bank and train someone so she could stay home and keep the 3’10” (34 liter) rodeo clown she lived with (me) in line.  Apparently, I was against this plan, because I ran off at least two babysitters in as many days.

Even then, I was difficult to get along with.

At the time, Ma and Pa offered me $20 per week if I would just be good, come home from school and watch re-runs of Star Trek®, and not burn the house down in the three hours between when I got off the bus and when Ma Wilder got home.  Even as a kid that sounded like a good deal to me.  I could try to burn the house down after Ma got home just as easily as when she wasn’t there.  I call that a win-win.

When Ma and Pa paid up, I was owed the princely sum of $100.  Pa Wilder took me down to the bank, and they opened a savings account for me.  I received a savings “passbook,” which was a little book where the teller wrote down my deposit, and then wrote it down on a corresponding card that showed how much money I had in the bank and had my account number on it.

Of course, I then announced that I was moving out.  I figured I could live for quite a while on $100.  When Ma then described exactly how many loaves of bread that would buy, I did the math and decided I wouldn’t run away just yet.

But snakes can’t rob banks.  They’re unarmed.

The passbook was fascinating to me, though.

It, along with the little card showed how much money I had in the bank.  The bank would take all of the accounts and save all of the transactions at some frequency (I don’t know how often but I think it was monthly) on a computer in Capital City, which was hundreds of miles away.  So, the records were backed up, but the primary record was paper – the account card at the bank, and in my passbook – which had official meaning, Pa told me – it would be difficult to take money out without one, and they’d have to issue a new one if I lost mine.

I hadn’t thought about my first savings account in years – the passbook was a thing of the past before I was eight – replaced by computer statements sent out monthly, but it provided a view of another world.  I drained all of my money at age 13 to buy a motorcycle, so that account ceased to exist even before I got a Social Security Number.

Likewise, I hadn’t thought about that passbook until last Sunday, but oddly enough it was computers that brought it to mind.

My computer is so old, that when I upgraded memory they just added more beads.

On Sunday, it was announced that the Department of the Treasury was hacked (LINK).  A program made by the company SolarWinds® was allegedly hacked by the Russians.  But it wasn’t hacked on Sunday – it is possible the system had been hacked as far back as this spring, according to the news.  The same news that said that:

• Russians hacked the 2016 election,
• Hunter Biden’s story was nothing,
• Iraq had Weapons of Mass Destruction, and
• Pepsi® tastes better than Cokeâ„¢.

I am not sure I believe that they even know who did the hack, or when the hack was done.  Given that it’s only been a week, I’m pretty sure they have no idea what information is gone, or if any information has been changed.  That’s scary.

So, let’s call that dot number one.

I also read about dot number two on Sunday.  This particular dot was that the names of tens of thousands of Chinese Communist Party (CCP) members working in Western companies had “accidentally” made public.  Thousands of them work in the United States, and thousands more across the West.  As an example, 600 CCP members work across 19 branches of just two British banks, HSBC and Standard Chartered (LINK).

Of course, it’s not just banks, it’s Boeing® and Google™ and Facebook©, too.  But the banks caught my attention.

Was it always so lonely in the Empire?

Dot number three I’ve known about for several years:  the Chinese aren’t planning to re-fight World War II, or even any of the Gulf Wars.  They have seen the stunning power of the United States military, and understand the United States has spent trillions of dollars to defeat the Soviet Union in a war that never came.  Tanks?  The chances of tank warfare with the Chinese are slim.  The chances of them engaging the United States in a stand-up military conflict are likewise slim.

The Chinese are very smart, and have taken defeating the United States seriously – they have been thinking since (at least) the 1990s of ways to defeat America, in detail.  I’d read some of this strategy before, and it is probably worth a post on its own.

Here is the .pdf of Unrestricted Warfare, by Qiao Liang and Wang Xiangsui (LINK).  Thankfully, at least someone in the .mil part of the world has read this – here’s a link to an article about Unrestricted Warfare from the Army University Press (LINK).  H/T to Vox Day for reminding me of this information (LINK).

If I were going to fight the United States, I wouldn’t waste my time attempting to build billions of dollars of aircraft carrier and then spend decades trying to learn how to use them well.  I wouldn’t try to send millions of men in a mass-wave attack.  Where would I attack?

It’s too late for me, though, my Chinese vacuum has been gathering dirt on me for years.

Well, it’s obvious that the Chinese have tried to influence the politics of the United States – how many different politicians have been Fang-Fanged (LINK) by the Chinese has yet to be counted.  But there are lots – the Chinese have attempted to find younger, up and coming politicians and reach them early.  Again, a great strategy:  why fight if you already can influence the leadership of your enemy?

But perhaps, one day that’s not enough.  Perhaps one day, it’s required to neutralize the United States.

How would I do it in a single day?

If I were going to attack the United States, I would attack Bank of America© and all of the other large banks.  I would attack the Treasury.  I would attack the Federal Reserve™.

What would happen if, one day, all of the Bank of America® accounts read zero?  What would happen if the Fed® started spasming out trillions of perfectly legal electronic dollars to banks all across the world?  What would happen if the Treasury’s computer suddenly forgot who owned all of those electronic savings bonds in the Treasury Direct accounts?

What if every record of every transaction on the NASDAQ® disappeared overnight?

Chaos.

And only one color of dot.  I guess going first matters.

Three dots does not make a big dot-to-dot puzzle.  But if America was surprised by Pearl Harbor, how surprised would they be if every bank account in the country read zero one fine Monday morning?  I’m not saying it will happen – most internet hacks are the equivalent of defacing a poster on the outside of a movie theater.

But if it were to happen, would you think the system where the teller stamped your bank book and then updated the card that had your bank account information on it had some merit?

Sleep well tonight!