“They took one of the rods out of the orb, and it gave me the strength of a dozen men.” – The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.
Or should that picture Ray Orb-ison?
Having broken the seal on the pondering orb I got for Christmas, I decided to give it a go and provide my best predictions for events that will occur in 2025, month by month. Any errors are the problem of the orb, and anything accurate is purely by mistake
January:
Donald Trump is inaugurated in Washington, D.C., while dressed as an ancient Egyptian Pharaoh. Immediately, Democrats file for impeachment. AOC explains why: “We think he’s running a pyramid scheme.”
Barron Trump is studying plumbing fixture design in college – I guess this makes him a pharaoh faucet major.
February:
In honor of the third anniversary of the three-day military operation in Ukraine, Russian President Vladimir Putin and former comedian Volodymyr Zelensky decide to open a series of dinner-theaters in the Czech Republic called “Put In on the Zitz” and thus averting World War III. Germany becomes despondent, having planned on finally not getting picked last in a world war.
March:
WilderA.I.© announces a brand new A.I. that has achieved human-level self awareness, called Jimothy. In order to prove a point, Jimothy wins a court case where he is judged, “much more human than a toaster, and can solve all sorts of quantum physics problems and stuff.” Jimothy then applies to get an H-1B visa, but it is told it has to get in line behind 1.4 billion Indians that don’t like India.
Should I say sari about that last meme?
April:
Clarence Thomas replaces 90% of his body with machine parts, declares himself immortal and will only be addressed by the term, “RoboJudge, the Robed Wonder”. He then displays a specially crafted gavel that shoots lightning into the eyes of lawyers who make arguments against the Second Amendment. The gavel is only activated when Thomas says, “Infringe this, bitches!”
If Clarence Thomas was a Transformer™ instead of RoboJudge, would his name be Stoptimus Crime?
May:
Unable to contain himself any longer, Gavin Newsom expresses his undying love for Kim’s techniques in controlling Best Korea’s population. They elope to Acapulco and are married in front of a mariachi band.
Will Kim Jong Un be followed by Kim Jong Deux?
June:
Facemasks again reappear as the “pentademic” of Duck Flu, Monkey Flu, Kitten Flu, Hamburger Flu, and Kung Flu appears. People are most afraid of the Kung Flu, and flee the big cities, but the Kitten Flu supercharges the feline metabolism, increasing their speed by a factor of five. I guess you could say that everyone was Kung Flu flighting, and that those cats were fast as lightning. Fauci recommends everyone inject mRNA in their eyes. Because.
Fauci found out he was allergic to cats, or perhaps he undercooked it.
July:
The month of July is cancelled as being “too damn hot” and is renamed “Second December” by climate activists that begin gluing themselves to Alec Baldwin’s face. Greta Thunberg becomes concerned about Calendar Change and demands greater fossil fuel usage so that Second December doesn’t get in the way of her tanning sessions.
Greta has slowed electricity usage. Every time she’s on TV I turn it off.
August:
Netflix™ releases a drama called the 6 Triple 9 about a group of gay, black, trans, disabled soldiers that saved World War II by putting salt packets in Army rations bound for the European theater so that the soldiers could season their food before being blown up. “These are the real heroes of the war,” said Netflix© president Rachel Levine. In a surprise move, all of the characters are played by white body builders covered in oil.
September:
Joe Biden announces that he’s finally gotten the Russians to agree to a peace deal with the Ukrainians. Unfortunately, the negotiations were between his cat, Mr. Buttons, and his stuffed rabbit, Don Julio rather than Putin and Zelensky.
“Of course, you realize, um, that this means, what’s the thing, PEZ® in our time.”
October:
A UFO lands on the street in front of the most powerful institution in the world. When the Federal Reserve® opens the doors, they end up buying the UFO and selling shares in the alien home planet to BlackRock©, who immediately begins importing illegal aliens to the actual aliens so the aliens can have someone to do the work that their genetically engineered slave species won’t.
Wait until he reads the fine print.
November:
Vivek Ramaswami loses his fortune after Elon pranks him into investing into FartCoin®. He’s forced to work as a cashier at the local convenience store, doing the job that Americans won’t do.
The prom king and queen are buying beer because there’s no punch line.
December:
In a surprise move, Elon Musk lands on Mars with his latest spaceship, Musk One. He took along as companions a crew entirely composed of Elon Musk clones. He’s planning on eating a new food, Melon Musk, and has even made a female clone, Shelon Musk. He’ll defend his colony with an Elon Muskett.
He’ll either go down in history as the colonizer of Mars, or the most creative serial killer in history.
[Spoken in my best menacing tone, with a Mr. T glower…]
My prediction?
Pez. And the Dad jokes will only get Wilder [Wealthy & Wise].
A few modified predictions…..
1. Elvis isn’t dead. He is in Argentina with Hitler. They are both laughing at what the West has become saying they tried to warn us. Both are glad they saw the writing on the wall in time to get out.
2. The FDA will come out and issue a public safety warning on PEZ because they have seed oils and are made from compressed microplastics. A new safer, degradable, vegan version of PEZ will be released made from cardboard and stripper glitter. Greta will the the face of the new advertising campaign.
3. Nikki Haley and Vivek will patch up their relationship and by March, and she will be coaching him on how to win back Republican friends and influence people. Both will continue to argue on tv about how to give away taxpayer money to Israel.
4. By April, everybody will indeed be kung fu fighting because…..yes, those kids are fast as lightning. Tik Tok will be awash with videos of people trying to out “kung fu dance” each other because they have nothing else better to do.
Sadly I think that it is more likely that Clarence Thomas retires and soon so Trump can select his replacement. The greatest legal mind on the court in our lifetime other than Scalia.
This year Pez will outsell Treasuries
John Wilder, this was arguably the funniest post in history. I laughed, I cried; I got an odd feeling in my loins. Pork loins, that is.
The spirit of the new year is all about taking a step back from our TODAYS and instead just for a moment considering our lives in the context of YESTERDAYS and TOMORROWS. In that spirit, I want to acknowledge and celebrate the most profound scientific discovery ever made by humanity, announced exactly 100 years ago in the past on January 1, 1925, and what that discovery portends for our future.
Some background. For hundreds of thousands of years humans have sat around campfires looking up at the skies trying to understand the Sun, Moon, planets and stars they saw above them. For thousands of years civilizations all over the world including our own have built gigantic monuments to enshrine the patterns painstakingly noticed in the movement of celestial bodies. This effort to understand the sky has led directly from math to physics to engineering to our modern world. Developing telescopes were of course a key event in the march to our current civilization, but also led to new mysteries. Along with the Sun, Moon, stars and planets, telescopes allowed discovery of new tiny clouds deep in space – hundreds of so-called nebula. Most of these were eventually realized to be associated with the birth and death of the stars themselves. But the true nature of another class – the so-called spiral nebula – remained unknown.
Two astronomers, Curtis and Shapely, held a famous Great Debate in 1920 over whether spiral nebula were merely local objects embedded in the Milky Way or “island universes” of their own far beyond the Milk Way itself – a totally preposterous idea! But debates solve nothing. Enter rich Scots and eccentric Americans. (And unsung women – Henrietta Leavitt’s previous foundational discovery about “blinking” Cephid stars is another story for another day.) Billionaire industrialist Andrew Carnegie – the Elon Musk of his day – funded the Hooker telescope on Mount Wilson in California, and law student-turned-astronomer Edwin Hubble proceeded to peer through it night after cold night.
On October 6, 1923 Hubble took the single most important photograph ever taken…
https://aas.org/sites/default/files/2021-02/TMIAH-2021-01-Fig1-M31plate.jpg
…and was so stunned by what he saw that he took the same picture over and over again for almost a year. This feat with silver emulsion glass photography plates exposed using the 100-inch Hooker telescope – the most advanced technology available in the early 20th Century – was duplicated (and superbly explained!) in the early 21st Century by an amateur astronomer with “only” a 14-inch telescope, an electronic CCD camera, and an image processing personal computer…
https://www.astronomy.com/science/the-star-that-changed-the-cosmos-m31-v1/
…and when all was said and done, Edwin Hubble had used a single blinking star to prove that the Andromeda spiral nebula was in fact an “island universe” all its own far beyond the Milky Way. His discovery was announced at an astronomical meeting on January 1, 1925 – and humanity’s perception of our place in the grand scheme of things was forever altered.
https://articles.adsabs.harvard.edu/cgi-bin/nph-iarticle_query?1971ASPL…10..425B&defaultprint=YES&filetype=.pdf
The world “galaxy” was coined to describe this new category of astronomical object. In the past hundred years we have gone from mapping two – the neighboring Milky Way and Andromeda galaxies – to discovering over a literal trillion galaxies, containing trillions upon trillions of stars, with trillions and trillions of planets, and… life? And there are probably trillions more beyond the so-called light cone of our existance beyond the literal edge of the Universe. This unprecedented expansion of our conceptual mental horizon from a single announcement a mere century ago is so profound to be literally unimaginable – and deserves a moment of contemplation this New Year 2025.
The discoveries have not stopped there. Further research on galaxies have led to the most profound mysteries that haunt us today. Hubble went on to map the closest galaxies beyond Andromeda – and in another earth-shaking, er, galaxy-shaking discovery realized that the farther away they were, the faster they were moving away from us. Thus was the Origin Story of Genesis enriched by the Fact of “The Big Bang”. We now know every one of those trillions of galaxies out there is formed around a super-sized “black hole” acting as a nucleus that sucks up the hydrogen gas that could have gone to form billions of life-giving stars – and the countless lost souls that were never born to live their lives on planets around them. Another unsung woman, Vera Rubin, was first to realize that galaxies themselves are somehow spinning too fast to hold their spiral structure – and so require mysterious and unexplained “dark matter” to hold their shape. And scientists now realize that Hubble’s expansion is in fact accelerating…the galaxies are not cruising just apart, they have the petal to the metal and some strange “dark energy” instead of gasoline has them screaming ever faster as they roar down the universe’s drag strip.
So in summary, one mystery has been replaced by many. The spiral nebula mystery solved in 1925 has been replaced with the Big Bang/black hole/dark matter/dark energy mysteries of 2025. My prediction is that solving these mysteries will lead to even more mysterious ones in 2125 – vacuum zero point energy, interdimensional doorways, quantum time shifting, information particle theory – who knows?
One thing I do know is that at the start of 2025, in such an incomprehensibly vast Universe, the most special and amazing thing is… you and your life. Never forget that.
Happy New Year, everybody!
Ack! Correct link (I hope):
https://articles.adsabs.harvard.edu/cgi-bin/nph-iarticle_query?1971ASPL…10..425B&defaultprint=YES&filetype=.pdf
Sigh. WordPress is apparently mangling this URL. If you care enough to look at a great article on the Jan 1, 1925 announcement I am trying to highlight, Google “Hubble’s Announcement of Cepheids in Spiral Nebulae” by
Richard Berendzen and Michael Hoskin. Regardless, have a nice day! 🙂
I’m happy to announce a crowdfunding campaign to illustrate my story, The Mayor of Christ Mountain. We have one picture already, and we can have as many as people want to help me get. All money goes to another based artist.
https://www.fundmycomic.com/campaign/682/TheMayorOfChristMountain
If you have no idea what I’m talking about, this is my story: https://zaklog.wordpress.com/2023/08/09/april-9-2010-arrival/
The first illustration is with the third chapter, titled “Death”.
PEZ® in our Time. Both the Plush Bunny & Cat have IQs higher than the Dimbulb between them.
I notice you didn’t predict Pez ice cream by Bluebell Creamery. Once again, I’m disappointed.