A Wolfe, Stab Wounds, Dolphins, And Snot

“I’m Winston Wolfe.  I solve problems.” – Pulp Fiction

What’s the difference between a knife juggler and a multiple stab wound victim?  Practice.

I first started reading Claire Wolfe back around the turn of this century in Backwoods Home Magazine.  I have several of her books and have enjoyed them greatly.  Claire is one of the most wonderful of wordsmiths about freedom, and she has a great post up (LINK) now.  The title says it all:  “Freedom Is Dying:  Be Of Good Cheer.”

Of course, regular readers know that I couldn’t agree more.

Claire has a great story that’s contained in the post.  A person named “Lox” came into Claire’s Internet freedom group, and the group tried to help him to freedom:

But “poor” Lox sucked up everything we had to offer, then spat it back out. None of it applied to him. He told us a thousand reasons why all our ideas and experiences were worthless. We were blind and insensitive to the depths of his plight. Nobody had ever been as unfortunate as he. Nobody had ever been as helpless as he. No one had ever been as depressed, as oppressed, as mistreated, as ugly, as inept, as trapped, as misery-laden as he.

Of course, there’s more, and Lox shows himself to be even worse than what’s written above.  Seriously.  I’ll let you read the rest over at her place, because if you’re not going to her place regularly, you should.

Genghis Khan was a ruthless baby.  Why, I remember when he took his first steppe . . .

I’d like to focus for this post on what Claire wrote about Lox in the quote above.

When I was younger (and not yet a wiser Wilder) I can recall running into more than one person like Lox.  The names were different.  The situations were different.  But the behavior was always exactly the same, so I will collectively name them Blandy Blanderson:

  • Blandy has a problem. It is the worst problem of anyone ever.
  • I try to help, either though giving advice, or giving them assistance. I’ve moved furniture on a Sunday evening when Blandy was being kicked out of an apartment, I’ve waxed dolphin armpits (flipper pits?), and I’ve even lent Blandy money so that the Auckland Auk Ark Cartel wouldn’t break his leg.
  • Even if the initial problem is solved, Blandy will then have another problem.
  • I try to help. The next problem is solved.  I’m never going to do dentistry on a dolphin again, let me tell you.
  • Blandy then comes up with problem number three.
  • I decide that Caller I.D. is worth every penny.

If I Photoshopped® myself a dentistry license, would that a doctored image?

I had finally figured out that Blandy didn’t want the problem to be solved.   And I realized that there would always be a problem.  Blandy was in love with the problem.

This was new to me.  I have always had a sunny disposition – one of my Professors in college always said, “Keep smiling, John.”  That’s why it took me so long to understand Blandy.  Why would anyone want to be sad?

I couldn’t understand it, so I observed it.

I noticed that whenever I helped Blandy, especially if my help solved the “problem of the day”, Blandy would never, ever say “Thank you.”  Why would you thank someone who took away the problem you secretly loved?

I can only speculate the causes of Blandy’s behavior:

  • If Blandy could blame someone else, then they weren’t responsible for their situation. Someone or something else was responsible.  They could live their life blaming others.
  • How could Blandy get attention? Having problems got people to pay attention.
  • By having problems, Blandy could get sympathy from others. Without problems, what would start the sympathy flowing from others?

I’m sure that after I stopped helping, I became yet another one of the long list of Blandy’s problems.  “Oh, Wilder, he’s so lucky and fortunate, but he never helps anyone else.”

Dracula returned a mirror to the local Wal-Mart®.  When they asked him why, he said, “I can’t see my self using it.”

In one sense, Blandy’s behavior is vampirism.  Blandy takes a personal tragedy and exploits it so he can get fun and prizes and emotion from others.  The bonus for people playing along at home is that Blandy can also shield a fragile psyche from the consequences of his actions.

But wait, don’t people have real problems?  Don’t people really need help sometimes?

Certainly.

I recall one time calling up a friend and saying only, “Bar.  Now.”  It was noon.  It was an awful day.  He picked me up in 20 minutes, and he got me home safely later that night, even though it took more than a little while to work myself out of the problem.

There are times that people have streaks of bad luck.  I can recall once when I was on such a streak.  I called my friends for help.  They did.  But I noticed that the longer I had my problem, the less one particular friend was interested in talking about it.

That’s when I realized:  by staying negative on a topic and not owning it and putting it behind me, I was starting to turn into Blandy.  That was my signal that it was time to put the problem behind me and stop complaining.

Even Liberals aren’t safe you see; the Left always eats itself, yippee!

Perhaps the biggest takeaway in learning to deal with my problems is that I own my attitude – no one else does.  If something bad happens, well, I could spend every moment of my life being mad at the situation.  Does the situation care?

No.

Heck, I could spend every moment swimming in the salty warm viscous mucus of self-pity.  If I do that, all I get is sticky and become the Michael Phelps of victimhood mucus swimming.  Maybe Coca-Cola® would sponsor me?

Good things and bad things will happen to me.  If my happiness is dependent upon only good things happening to me?  I’ll be forever disappointed because bad things happen, too.  Tires go flat.  Plates break.  The Yellowstone volcano erupts.

Know the difference between snot and broccoli?  A five-year-old won’t eat broccoli.

The Truth as I’ve seen it so far:  if I’m happy on my bad days, I’m going to be ecstatic on my good days.

Do I see many difficulties in the years ahead?  Certainly.  Does sitting around worrying about them make them go away?  Does it make them better?

Nope.

The Blandy Blandersons of this world waltz through it surrounded by a cloud of misery.

I think I’ll skip that.

It’s much more fun being John Wilder.  I’ll echo what Claire says:  “Be of good cheer.”

Author: John

Nobel-Prize Winning, MacArthur Genius Grant Near Recipient writing to you regularly about Fitness, Wealth, and Wisdom - How to be happy and how to be healthy. Oh, and rich.

31 thoughts on “A Wolfe, Stab Wounds, Dolphins, And Snot”

  2. Sir,
    We call it ‘psychic vampirism’ (so it’s more than a little funny that you came up with the same sort of idea… great minds and all that). These are people that will suck you dry of compassion, care, empathy and money until you have nothing left. No solution is complete, no victory assured, no problem contained successfully. The problems continue forever.

    The other side of this coin are those that seem to always have something going on. Something negative and annoying, but something all the same. Based on the information in a marvellous little film called What The Bleep Do We Know?, the short version is that some people are addicted to the drama. The chemical rush that occurs when the latest crisis unfolds, is the kick they seek.

    We have therefore spent time, money and ongoing effort to avoid these sorts of people, and to keep our home and family as drama-free as humanly possible. This includes avoiding certain other family members, since drama is a family affair more often than not.

    This problem is widespread and very common. We have few friends.

    So be it.

  3. I am a cynical optimist. I believe that things go wrong every possible way, and yet somehow it all seems to work out for the best in the end.

    Then again, I used to have a Magic 8-Ball that never, ever lied. Creepiest thing I’ve ever come across.

    2. Just like I sometimes navigate by following someone who looks like they know where they’re going. It seems to work more often than not.

      Hmmm, that kind of Magic 8-Ball? Scary.

  4. Spot on, regarding people who revel in their own misery. I worked with a guy ages ago who earned the nickname ‘Eeyore’ because he was such a gloomy a$$. Gets a raise – “Not enough”. Receives praise for a completed job – “That’ll never happen again”. He was suffering the fallout from a messy divorce and couldn’t fathom why his ingrate of an ex-wife would do such a thing to him. But I could.

    Second cousin to the teenaged drama queen, Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary simply can’t function without something to feel all butthurt about. I generally decline politely when asked to attend someone else’s pity party. But the invitations keep rolling in.

    Kudos to you, John Wilder, for your relentless Panglossian optimism. Letting your smile be an umbrella while its raining arseholes is quite a rare gift in these me-centric times.

    1. I had a guy who reported to me that was that way. Poison. Never did pull him over onto my side while he was my boss.

      Thank you! Smiling is far more fun.

  7. Americans said that they hated freedom 100 years ago because the environment was dirty, there were murders, and medicine was dangerous, but the US is now a police state and the environment is still dirty, there are still murders, and medicine is still dangerous.

  9. Pingback: How to Make Life Suck Less – Liberty's Torch

  10. I like to greet How are you? with “Almost Wonderful.” (at work) What would make it? If I was skiing, 4 wheeling, or getting laid.
    Birthday next day, I was suddenly laughing in the afternoon when asked and responded the same. Wait a minute, I AM wonderful.
    Thank God for birthday sex.

  11. One of your best posts that I have read yet. When problems arise, push on through them until they are past. The problem will resolve itself,one way or the other. Whining and then committing to fixing the problem will gain sympathy faster,

  12. The CPUSA or dems=Blandy!
    There is no intention to ever solve any problem because it would put them out of business.
    When the magic soil doesn’t work the replacements will be so unhappy and the sad trombone sound on a sailfawn (cellphone) won’t placate them.
    Be of good cheer because it is afraid, afraid of reality, afraid of truth, afraid of those who have no fear.

  13. Claire seems to have evolved from a firebrand into a don’t-rock-the-boat retiree. Don’t take military advice from a near-retiree whose current, mind you current, can we talk about current?, approach to self-defense is “eat me last”. Doing something reasonable to advance youself while carefully staying under the radar is no longer on the menu. Last thing she’d do in 2021 is advocate a concrete action which would actually improve an individual’s situation.

    List of secret situation-improving possibilities in 2021: buy on ebay or salvage or create a higher-flow shower head; set your hot water heater temp to 170F; salvage a higher-volume toilet tank; buy on amazon Cascade brand deep fryer detergent with phosphates and use in your dishwasher

  15. Clueless, stupid, selfish people cannot have a friend. They have acquaintances. Your whiner/ Klingon acquaintance may be one of them. They desire friendship and companionship, but are not capable of the effort and respect required. As an adult ,with responsibilities and limited free time, the last thing you want to do, is spend time with a whiner. Everyone deals with the same bullshit in their lives. Some don’t do a good job handling it. Flush them.

    1. Agreed. It was tough to figure that out, but when I did . . . I started going to parties that were much more fun.

  16. First, “problems exist to be solved” but only for some values of “solved.”
    Second, it pays to ask “Who owns this problem?” The answer will provide useful information on your level of responsibility for solving it.

Comments are closed.