The Paradox of High Standards: Making You Happy or Killing You?

“I don’t suppose you’d find it up to the standards of your outings. More conversation and somewhat less petty theft and getting hit with pool cues.” – Firefly

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It’s important to have standards – like licking and sticking standards.  Stick to your guns!

I was watching Tony Robbins™ over a year ago while working out at the gym.  I like to watch videos when I do the cardio machines – it seems to make the time pass more quickly.  I’m not sure that’s a good idea since (at least subjectively) that makes my life shorter.  Perhaps I should fill my underwear with sand before I get on the treadmill – that might make it seem a little lot longer. But I digress.  Going from memory, Robbins® was talking about if you wanted to change your life, you had to raise your standards.

What is the result of a change in standards?  Well, if Robbins© is right, changing your standards changes the way you view the world.  And if you raise your standards, well, you’ve changed your life for the better, right?

No.

You’ve changed your life for the better if you’ve raised your standards and changed your behavior in such a manner that you are moving to meet those standards.  If you change your standards of, say, your new pants size?  And your new standard is a 32” waist (451 meters)?  Great idea!  But you don’t change your daily habit of 86 Krispy Kreme® delicious glazed donuts?  What has your new awesome changed standard given you?

Nothing.

Wait, worse than nothing.

Frustration.  Which leads to death.  Okay, after decades.  But it still leads to death.

With all apologies to Mr. Robbins® (the host body) and the symbiotes/parasites that are his amazingly immaculate hair (no actual human has hair like that, so I expect that his hair is a separate living entity, perhaps responsible in some psychic way for his charisma), changing standards without changing actions just breeds a sense of impotence, anger, discontent, and, when present in relationships?  Divorce or an end to friendship.

High Standards + Poor Execution = Sadder Than Johnny Depp’s Bank Account

Let me give an example:

Let’s say I have a standard that includes having a spotless bathroom.  One where you could eat chateaubriand off the tiles (and had an Alexa® speaker that told you what chateaubriand was) with the Queen and she’d be excited to come back for dessert.  A bathroom where the towels were laundered by angels in heaven with unicorn blood as the soap.  I mean a really clean bathroom.  Really clean.

Okay.  I now have this standard.  Cool.

But I hate cleaning, and I’m not really good at it.

So my standard is a really clean bathroom.  But The Mrs. has to clean it.

Sadly, The Mrs. is neither an indentured servant nor someone who is easily cowed.  Did you think I’d marry a weasel-woman?  Nah, could have had dozens of those.  I need a woman with fire in her eyes!

But if I expect The Mrs. to clean the bathroom to my “dinner with the Queen” standard?  Never going to happen.  And the result?

I’d be angry at The Mrs., for something she never promised nor intended to do.  If this continued through other aspects of our relationship?

We wouldn’t have a relationship.

And I understand that.  If we expect more than the other can or will give?  We don’t have a relationship.  But some standards really are important.  How can you tell which ones?

When it comes to standards:

  • What standards are you willing to fight for? Real fighting, not Twitter® or online petitions.
  • What standards do you actually control? If you don’t control it, how will it happen?
  • What is the consequence of the standard not being met? If nothing, then . . . what?

Focus on standards with consequences that have meaning to you.  That you control.

You do control your pants size.  Are you willing to fight for it?  Does it have consequences?

The questions above really do have consequences:  if you spend your life being upset about things you don’t control, and that you can’t change, and that don’t impact your life?

Even the stupid dead Romans had this one figured out:

“Today I escaped anxiety.  No!  I discarded it because it was within me in my own perceptions, not outside of me.” — Marcus Aurelius (stupid dead Roman)

I guess Tony Robbins© is just not fit for a toga.  And his hair would a little tiny toga, which would be cute, but really, really creepy.

Early Retirement: Things to Consider (cough Health Care cough)

“But they make wonderful patients:  they have excellent health insurance and they never get better.” – Frasier

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Fairbanks Memorial – they didn’t charge extra for ice.

Although I’ve discussed Early Retirement before here (Frugality, Financial Samurai, Mr. Money Mustache, and Early Retirement Extreme) I thought that it would be good to revisit the topic, primarily because I have a spreadsheet.

What kind of spreadsheet?  A crystal ball spreadsheet, one that predicts the future, all the way until 2081 when the ice sheets have melted and the dinosaurs have returned.  I’ve maintained this spreadsheet since 2014 or so, and it’s been very accurate for predicting my net worth over the course of four years.  I used it to decide (once upon a time) whether or not to quit one job and move to another.  Spoiler:  I didn’t move jobs.

The real reason I didn’t change jobs was fairly simple:  the spreadsheet told me that within three years I would have enough money that if I decided to chuck it all and get a job as say, a school teacher for a few years, I could continue to live the dissolute lifestyle awash in PEZ®, long essays, and regret to which I had become accustomed with no changes.  But there is a faction that sees a more radical idea:  just retire early.  They even have an acronym for it:  FIRE – Financially Independent, Retiring Early.

One of the biggest advocates of that is still Mr. Money Mustache.  MMM as he is affectionately known to his “Mustachians” retired several years ago, and has been blogging about it since.  His blog is exceptionally popular (LINK).  One secret of MMM is that he, by choice, has created a lifestyle of voluntary low-spending, i.e., he’s cheap.  By cheap?  His family has only one car, which they rarely use.  Mainly he uses a bicycle to go where he needs to go.

This is a fascinating idea.  You gain financial independence not by having the biggest pile of cash, but by having the smallest pile of needs.

For example:

I have a stack of books that is literally over 12 feet (143 meters) tall of books that I’m planning to read.  They’re stacked up by my bedside.  They’re stacked up on a bookcase near the bathroom.  They’re stacked up on my dresser.  And I get several new ones every month to replace the ones I finish reading.  And this doesn’t account for my library, which houses a collection of thousands of titles on every subject from tanning a hide to hiding a tan.  When we moved from Alaska to Texas, the movers set a company record for number of boxes packed in one day AND amount of weight packed in one day.  Reason?  Books.

Mr. Money Mustache would (probably) say:  “Why are you spending money on books?  There’s a library not two miles from your house that has a decent collection, and if they don’t have the book you want they can get it through interlibrary loan.  You could even get your fat butt on your bike and go down there to get a book and lose some weight in the process.”

He’s just that kind of party-pooper, but that would also impact my love of gadgets and gizmos that, ultimately, aren’t worth the time and money that I spend on them . . . except the drone, which is really, really cool.  Everyone needs a drone, right?

But let’s look at the major categories of spending and consider them through the soup-stained Mustachian paradigm.  Each of these topics could be a blog post by itself (and some have) but we’ll skim them today:

Mortgage: 

Don’t have one.  You probably have more house than you need, which causes you to spend more on heating and cooling than you would need to if you had a house of human proportion.  Pay it off so you’re not paying interest to a bank and can keep the money yourself.  But you still have to pay taxes and I’d still suggest you have insurance on the place, since it protects you in several different ways, especially from certain lawsuits that could dig deeply into your cash.

Home Location: 

Why live in an area that causes you to have to spend a lot of money?  Why live in an area (if you’re still working) that causes you to drive lots of miles to a job, which eats up both money in commuting cost and your life in drive time?  I know!  Location!

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This was an awesome location.  Wonder why we sold it?  Oh, yeah, piles of money.

Cell Phones: 

Why have a big data “full everything” when you can have a phone that costs less than $40 a month that gives you some data as well as more talking than anyone actually does on a cell phone?  And the need for the newest iPhone©?  Probably not so much.

Satellite/Cable Television: 

We have satellite television, along with a DVR box that records television shows so we don’t have to spend time watching them.  But let’s look at television . . . do we need a subscription to DirecTV® and Netflix™?  The number of things that I watch on satellite is dwindling – Silicon Valley™, Game of Thrones©, Better Call Saul™, The Last Ship®, sure I watch those when they’re on.  But most of the year, they’re not on.  And I can get most things on Netflix™ or Amazon®.  Do I even need satellite or cable anymore?

Landline: 

When I was a kid and the phone rang, I’d jump off the couch, and run to the receiver to pick it up.  It was an event!  Now, in a day where communication follows you to every crevice of your life, when the phone rings, we rarely even pick it up unless the phone announces that it’s Grandma.  Wondering why we even have one . . . oh, yeah.  Grandma.  And the phone is free with the Internet.

Food: 

Food is big business.  And an even bigger scandal.  How much food do we buy that we end up never eating?  Since we have teenage boys in the house, the answer is “very little.”  It’s been my saying (for forever) that the most expensive food that you buy is food that you don’t eat.

The second-most expensive?  Restaurant food, especially fast food.  I can buy three pounds of delicious ribeye steak for about $30.  Dinner for our family at Taco Bell™ (remember that we have teenagers) costs about $40.  Full disclosure, I account for a chunk of that $40 myself, but steak is so much better than a Nachos Bell Grande®.  And I can buy six pounds of ribeye for $60.  And we can eat for several meals on that, versus one trip to a nice restaurant, which would cost about $120-$180, including tip.  I maintain that I can eat better food more cheaply if I prepare it at home myself.  And by myself, I mean (except for grilling) The Mrs.  And as for high-priced Internet meal kits?  Wal-Mart® is our meal kit.

Cars:  

Mr. Money Mustache suggests having one or zero of these.  And he has a huge financial point.  Cars depreciate, so they’re crappy investments.  Cars require taxes and licensing and insurance cost annually, so even if you own one, keeping it around so you can drive it costs you annually.  And my family has an “N+1” philosophy about cars, where “N” is the number of licensed drivers.  Why?  We drive used cars, and they need maintenance at a higher rate than brand-new cars.  So we have a spare.  If we were retired?  One car would probably be enough (assuming we didn’t have the teenage boys in the house).  And, yes, a car is required for the rural area that we live in – you really couldn’t bike your  ten year old kid to a wrestling tournament (in winter) that’s 100 miles away . . . so we’d need at least one car.

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I’m hoping this one is paid for.

Home Maintenance:

If you own a home, something will break.  At my house, that seems to happen weekly, and it’s more than me having my 19th nervous breakdown.  Some things get fixed when I get around to it, like when one Wilder child broke the bannister.  It sounds like I’m blaming the kid, but I’m really not – if the bannister had been put together correctly in the first place (or fixed better than I did when last I fixed it) then it wouldn’t have broken in the first place.  This bannister got broken, oh, six years ago.  It still swings loosely.  I’ve never even been close to being motivated enough to fix it.  But when the air conditioner pan rusted out and started leaking condensed water onto the bathroom carpet?  Yeah.  Fixed in 12 hours.

And I estimate that immediate repairs (not fixing the place up) that are required to make the place habitable are probably about 1% of the home value each year.  If you’re handy and can do it yourself?  So much the better.  When the hot tub “brain board” fried?  I consulted with a hot tub repair guy and swapped it out myself – saving about $200 in the process.  When the flame rollout sensor on the furnace went out in winter?

I paid to have that done, since the consequences of screwing that up involved mortality via explosion or asphyxiation if I screwed it up.  $25 part, $50 in labor, and fixed that afternoon.  My rule is:  if it doesn’t require real expertise and can’t kill anyone?  Sure, I’ll try that.  I’ve saved thousands by doing that – but I think (after putting two complete roofs on and fixing two others), I’m done roofing.  Enough roofing.

Medical Insurance:

Medical insurance is the biggest variable to deal with for anyone attempting to retire early.  I will say this gently:  the health care system in the United States is the most unholy mixture of the worst parts of socialism and near-monopoly capitalism on the planet Earth, and that’s the planet that has the Department of Motor Vehicles AND school cafeteria lunches.  How is it messed up?  On the socialist side:  A hospital is forced to treat anyone who shows up.  Anyone.  By definition, if you don’t have any money, all the hospital can do is send you bills and not take the money you don’t have.  So, your incentive?  To go to the emergency room whenever you get a sniffle, so everybody who has insurance can pay for you.

On the evil capitalist side?  Hospitals don’t have to let you know what they’re billing you, or why.  Your ability to even remotely influence your bill is nearly zero.  From Karl Denninger’s post on how to fix healthcare – emphasis in original (LINK):  “. . .  the practice of charging someone $100,000 for scorpion antivenom in Arizona when the same drug from the same company is $200 for the same quantity 40 miles to the south and across the Mexican border.”  Denninger’s post has a list of similar issues – and common sense solutions that we’ll never undertake.  Why?  Look at the stock prices of the drug companies and the insurance companies.  Who would want to mess that party up?

MMM discusses his vexation with insurance in a pretty good post here (LINK).  Since I’m working at a job and have crappy insurance from them, I’ve not scouted the market too much – but my last look at the market mirrors MMM’s.  But in addition to the horrible composition

But up until you are ready for Medicare (and until your spouse is, too, which is a consideration for me, having married a younger – but still legal in most states! – woman) you’ll have this risk.  Medical insurance costs are estimated to rise between 15% and 30% next year.  And 7% thereafter.  Said simply, medical costs can’t continue to increase at that rate.  And when something can’t continue?  It won’t.  The system will break.  Insurance companies will go bankrupt, as every body . . . walks away.  When people can’t pay for insurance, they won’t.

But if you’re retired, have insurance while you can until the system breaks.  After that?  The rules will change again.  This will happen even if you are working.

So what does it all mean?

Retiring early has risks, but, so does life.  One thing I’ve seen is we certainly don’t know what’s around the corner.  If you could retire early and found out later you had a terminal disease, wouldn’t it be great if you retired early?  No.  You’d still be dead.  Seriously.  Dead is dead.

Retire early only if you don’t find what you’re doing fun.  If you’re having a blast at work and it has meaning to you, keep doing it until you die.  Why retire from a dream job?

I mean, who else would watch Johnny Depp’s finances for him?  By the way, what’s the best way to clean the money after having a money bath?

Asking for a friend.

Civilization, The Iron Triangle, and You

This is Part I, click here for Part II.

“Get her?  That was your plan, Ray?  Get her?” – Ghostbusters (1984)

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Texans have a plan for hurricanes – and they’re pretty sure they haven’t seen any little ole storm that can beat them.

This is part one of a multipart series.  The rest of them are here:  (Civilization After an EMP: TEOTWAWKI (Which is not a Hawaiian word)TEOTWAKI Part III: Get on your bikes and ride!Internet Cats, TEOTWAWKI Part IV and The Golden HordeTEOTWAWKI Part V: Camaro and Camo,  TEOTWAWKI Part VI: The Rules Change, The Center Cannot HoldTEOTWAWKI Part VII: Laws of Survival, Mad Dogs, The Most Interesting Man in the World and TEOTWAWKI Part VIII: Barricades, Tough Decisions, and Tony Montana),  TEOTWAWKI Part IX: Home at Last, and the Battle of the Silo and TEOTWAWKI Part X: Gump, Wheat, and Chill: Now With 100% Less Netflix,and Last TEOTWAWKI – The Battle for Yona, Final Thoughts on EMP, How To Power Your Car With Smoke

I was at the hotel when it happened.  There wasn’t any noise, really.

It was night, in February.  Although a near-record blizzard was hitting the Northeast (it was called “SNOWPOCALYPSE II” in the New York Post), where I was in the Midwest was unusually warm – the night temperatures were forecast to be above 40F for the next week, not bad when the usual low for this time of year was 20F.

What woke me wasn’t a sound – it was, rather the opposite of a sound – a sudden silence.  The radio I had on in the hotel room (it helps me sleep) was off.  And I mean it was off – no power at all to the LED display.

The pale pinkish-yellow sodium vapor light from the parking lot poles was never really stopped by the blackout curtains of the hotel – it always crept around the corners and through the cracks.

It was gone, too.

The heater to the room was silent.

I looked at my wristwatch.  It had a button to illuminate the display.  I pressed it.

Nothing.

A blackout would explain losing the radio, losing the parking lot lights.  It wouldn’t explain the watch.

I picked up my cell phone, and pressed the button on the side to wake it up.

Nothing.

A blackout wouldn’t kill the batteries.

I wasn’t groggy anymore.  I guessed looking at the moon that it was about 4AM.  At this time of year, it would be about four hours before full sunrise.

I had been travelling for business and was a 252 miles from home.  I got dressed and opened up the window.  The interstate was dark – no lights.  The town that I was staying at – big enough for a Marriott™ because it was on the interstate – was dark.

It wouldn’t be long before dozens of people woke up.  And it wouldn’t be long until a few people came to the same conclusion that I had come to:  the electronics were gone – all of them.  Power wouldn’t be back on soon, if ever.

I had to get home before it started to get bad.  And that would be soon.  But how?  Well, the beginning of a plan was already starting to form in my head.

### (for now)

Honestly, I think that greatest probability collapse of America will come by degrees – more of an erosion than an earthquake.  I think of this slow collapse like Hemingway described how bankruptcy happens in The Sun Also Rises: “Two ways – gradually and then suddenly.”

“Gradually” is the world falling slowly into some sort of Blade Runner®-esque existence.  The decay is evident even now as “poop in the streets” has become a new normal in big cities, which occurs here in flyover country only during the Fourth of July parade as the horses (who are last in the parade for a reason) come through.  Then the streets are cleaned.  And then we don’t have poop in them.  I could keep going – lowered life expectancy, lowering IQ, but I’ll stop for now.

This post isn’t about gradually, this post is about “Suddenly.”

There exists, for the first time in history, the ability and civilizational structure to destroy civilization all at once.  Sure, we’ve had nuclear bombs since 1945 hanging over our heads, but we’ve upped the ante – we’ve created a civilization that is more prone to catastrophic failure than any in the past.  Gary North (you can find his free articles here LINK), a prominent warning voice about the Year 2000 (Y2K) problem wrote many articles in which he pointed out the vulnerabilities associated with modern society.  He called the three prerequisites for maintaining our current civilization the Iron Triangle.  North defined the three legs of the triangle as electricity, telecommunications, and power:

Electricity

Electricity is first because it’s the most important.  Lose it?  It’s over.

Without electricity modern society is impossible.  From traffic lights to grocery stores, everything would just . . . stop.  No refrigeration.  No gasoline.  No air conditioning.  No cash registers.  No cell recharging.  No blinking inflatable Snoopy® in your yard at Christmas.

And as we saw in Japan after the earthquake, a nuclear power station needs power constantly to keep the nuclear-radiation stuff on the inside, and not on the outside.  And I’ve heard rumors that even starting a power generating station requires . . . power.  Hopefully the wind is blowing the electric windmills that day we lose power.

There are numerous countries on the planet that could lose power for weeks or months at a time with little to no change in lifestyle – these countries lose power for days at a time now, and have learned to cope.  Most developed countries would see anarchy within three days if the system went down.  In Chicago?  Even power isn’t enough to stop anarchy now.

But one requirement is that this power outage is not just a local phenomenon – if Switzerland lost power, well, who would notice?  But if people decided that they wanted the Swiss chocolates and the Swiss army knives and the Swiss hot cocoa, well, they’d pitch in and help Switzerland.  There exists a reserve capacity outside of Switzerland that’s big enough and well supplied enough that they could help the Swiss.

Likewise, when a hurricane hits Texas, well, I guess that’s a bad example because the Texans don’t need any of our damn help.

Loss of power to the entire continental United States?  Who could help us?  Most resources that could help would be an ocean away, assuming that they’re unaffected.  The happy projection if electricity was lost in the United States?  Half the population dead in a year.  The less-than-rosy projection (from a United States Congressional study) has 90% of the US population gone in a year.  And not “moved to Cleveland” gone.

What could possibly take the power down all over the United States?  Really, there’s just one candidate: an electromagnetic pulse (EMP).

What is an EMP?  It’s like the Sun was rubbing its feet on the carpet, and then put its finger near you and gave you such a shock.  Except instead of a shock, it shoots charged particles at the Earth making pretty auroras.  And charges up the electrical infrastructure so much that the tiny electrical circuits in your smart watch, or car, or computer, or electrical power plant short out and become as useful as Play-Doh® after you left the lid off for three days.

Has this happened before?  Certainly.  The solar storm of 1859 was significant enough that it charged up the atmosphere enough that communication via telegraph wasn’t possible for a few hours – some telegraph operators reported being shocked by their telegraph lines.

Not a big deal, right?  No, not in 1859.  But a much smaller solar flare in 1989 took out all of the power in Quebec (part of America’s hat, Canada).  And if a solar flare similar in size to the 1859 flare happened today, it’s estimated that it would cost at least $2 trillion dollars (more than Johnny Depp spends on wine in an average month) to fix the damage in the United States alone.  Oh, and if you’re on satellite television, well, those would be gone due to the solar flare, too.

Another way to get a similar amount of damage is to explode a nuclear bomb above the United States.  This bomb wouldn’t cause any explosive damage – it would unleash x-rays, but rather than just bathing in the healthful x-ray light, the x-rays would smash into atoms in the atmosphere and cause a cascade of electrical energy.

You and I might not even notice this cascading energy, but, again, the tiny circuits in your local power plant (depending upon the size of the pulse) might be fried.

Oops.

No power.

Telecommunications

Every transaction you do depends upon some form of communication – often via satellite, but also through the internet.  In a small example of how this communication is important, I witnessed a series of gasoline pumps going offline.  Across the nation.  These gas pumps were primarily located at small Mom and Pop convenience stores.  The stores were open, but if you showed up at the pump?  The pump just didn’t work.  The reason was fairly simple – the home base in the transaction, the company that provided the interface between the fuel pump and the payment systems, had gone bankrupt.  Shut the doors down.  The gas was there.  The credit card company was there.  The electricity was there.  But the last leg of the transaction – the communication link to bring it all together, pay the taxes, and order more gasoline – had ceased to exist.

And it’s not just convenience store fuel transactions.

The inventory management of stores like Wal-Mart® is highly efficient, as in it is highly mechanized.  If Wal-Mart® lost their ability to computer-manage their inventory?  They’d have no way to figure out how to move products to their warehouse, let alone deliver them to a Wal-Mart™.

In a real-life example, Maersk® shipping, which accounts for about 20% of the volume of containers shipped worldwide, had their computer system infiltrated.  Essentially their entire shipping information system became encrypted on their servers.  This resulted in them losing over $300,000,000 in a ten day period, as chaos occurred at computer-managed dock after computer-managed dock.  They were saved because a backup of the system wasn’t updated since the Internet was down in Africa when they normally synced the systems.  Folks from Europe flew down to Africa, took the computer back to Europe, and used its information as the seed to reboot 4,000 servers and 45,000 PCs in a 10 day period.

Costly?  Sure.  But this was likely just collateral fallout of stuff going on between Ukraine and Russia.  This points out that the systems that we have created for inventory management and logistics required to run civilization have the potential to fail.  Something actually targeted at telecommunications for these systems . . . could have been devastating.

What would it cost to lose the Internet for a day?

What if it went down for a year?

Banking

When I was a kid, it was still possible to go to a store while the register was broken and get a clerk to do the math on what was owed and take your check or cash.  Now?  I’m not sure that most retail employees are up to the math (who even does math anymore?) let alone trying to figure out how to do a transaction without the Internet.  And who, besides me, even carries cash anymore?

Banking is a system that exists only so long as we believe in it.  Banks are allowed (by law) to lend out all of the money in the bank except for 11% or so.  Thus they have a “fractional” reserve of cash, and they’re a fractional reserve bank.

If you have $100 that you put in the bank, chances are very good that they loaned out all but $11 of your money.  The other $89 is out earning them interest.  If you want your money, you can go back and get it, since the bank has the $11 from everybody else.  If everybody wants their money back at the same time?  Problem!  In actuality people will get paid, because each bank lends a bit of money to the Federal Reserve bank that they can draw on in emergencies such as a bank run.  That’s really the big idea behind the Fed, to stop a systematic failure of all of the banks like happened in the 1930’s during the Great Depression.

But in 2008-09, it nearly happened again.  Banking systems were shutting down.  The Federal Reserve and the Treasury pumped the system so full of cash to prevent a complete shutdown of the financial system as we know it.  Did it work?  Sure.  But Interest rates are at near record lows a decade after this intervention.

Are there other risks to the banking system?  Certainly.  And if it doesn’t work?  The bright side (such that it is) is a dictator could and would seize control and force the system to work for a while without banking, but the loss would be our freedom and the civilization that we now know, along with millions dead from the sudden inefficiencies in the system.

Why?

Why have we put ourselves at risk to the Iron Triangle?  Because the efficiency that it brings has made society freer and wealthier that it could be without the Iron Triangle.  The Iron Triangle squeezes efficiency out of the system, but an efficient system is a fragile one; one prone to failure.  If you think of all of the systems that you have double of (like lungs) it’s not a bad design, it’s that having a spare lung or kidney increases your chances of living longer.  Or, failing that, you could trade your kidney to your bank to pay off your loan . . .

So, next Monday I’ll pick up where we were back at the Hotel.

I really do have a plan.

Health and Journalism . . . But You Already Know the Answers

“Listen to what I’m telling you. You go find a doctor. Get me Dr. Kildare. Get me Dr. Livingston. Get me Dr. Frankenstein. Just get me a doctor! Go where the – go where the doctors hang out.” – The Cannonball Run

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Eastbound and down . . . .

This week there were some amazing health care headlines:

  • Four Year Old Nearly Dies After Trying On Shoes Without Socks
  • Kratom Tea Left Teen with Brain Damage
  • Fran Drescher talks about Cannabis
  • Vanilla Ice Trapped on Quarantine Plane
  • New Miracle Cigar and Brandy Diet Found in Winston Churchill’s Notes

Sadly, I only made up one of those headlines.  I’ll leave it to you to guess which one.

But that’s the problem with health news nowadays:  much of it (if not all) is either poorly understood by the journalist, completely useless to the average reader, only news because a celebrity says it, or versions “cat chases dog” – stories of medical occurrences so rare that winning the lottery is more likely than your kid putting a shoe on without a sock and getting sepsis.  Humanity, for most of its existence, didn’t even have crude footwear like Roman sandals, but rather had to make due with inferior shoes like Nikes®.

Most popular news on health could be put in People© magazine or a comic book (but I repeat myself) and it would carry the same sort of impact.  I could even sit and conjure headlines that you’ll be seeing in the next year with what they won’t tell you in parenthesis:

  • Cancer Cure Shows Great Promise (In Curing Rats)
  • New Diet Pill Reduces Weight by 30% (But Will Turn Your Heart Into Jell-O® Pudding)
  • Sleeping Important For Health (Buy Your Boss Still Gets Mad When You Do It At Your Desk)
  • Eggs Now Good For You (Because Cholesterol in Eggs Isn’t What’s in Your Veins)
  • Mother Upset Because Child Got Really Sick Because of Illness Caught on a Beach (That 10,000,000 Other Kids Didn’t Get)
  • Some Game of Thrones® Actress Lost 50 Pounds (Due to Bulimia)

I know that health journalists like these kinds of stories because they have to write 16 stories a week or they’ll be replaced by JOURNOTRON 2000™.  JOURNOTRON 2000™ only consumes half the coffee that the journalist does, and only asks for increased wages once every year, rather than whine about it weekly.  And, what says “Pulitzer Prize©” like being the guy who figures out that Vanilla Ice was stuck on a quarantined plane with a bunch of virus-laden foreigners?  That’s hard-hitting health news that people NEED to see.

But why do people like to read the stories of how new Princess Whatsername® has had warts burned off her forehead since getting married to Prince Gingerhair?  Or how that maybe if they only ate skinless Pacific salmon that they could lose weight and have fewer forehead warts?

Health is funny.  People like to hide from their health.  Heck, people like to hide from the truth.

The truth about health is stunningly simple.

  1. Get exercise. Lift weights.
  2. Don’t eat too much, especially sugar. ESPECIALLY high fructose corn syrup.
  3. Butter is awesome.
  4. Don’t drink too much. Just enough to be happy, not enough so that drinking makes you miserable.   “A pleasure too often becomes a punishment.”
  5. If you weigh too much, eat less.
  6. You probably shouldn’t smoke cigarettes. Cigars are much better for you.
  7. Get enough sleep so you feel happy when the alarm goes off.
  8. Have a job that’s good enough so you feel happy when the alarm goes off.
  9. Deal with your family in such a way that you feel happy when the alarm goes off.
  10. Have a goal so you want to get out of bed when the alarm goes off.
  11. Be significant. In some way.  Build on that.
  12. Be important to someone. Build on that.
  13. Belong somewhere. Build on that.
  14. Don’t spend so that finances are a stress on your life.
  15. Remember to buy yourself something stupid that makes you happy once in a while. (Not too often.)
  16. Build a small, elite fighting training center in Southeast Asia and create about 1000 henchmen. Brainwash them into undying loyalty – I mean these guys should jump in front of a bullet to save your life.  You’ll need them when you take over Bangladesh.  Not that I could figure out why you’d want to take over Bangladesh . . .
  17. Set your expectations low so that what you expect doesn’t make you mad and disappointed every day.
  18. Set your expectations high so that you can achieve more than you ever thought you could.
  19. Understand that the last two points disagree. Deal with it.  You have to get by that or you can’t do anything.
  20. Vitamins are good, probably. If you have money and can buy them, research them and buy a few.  If you can’t, buy cheap ones like vitamin C.  It can’t hurt you and might help.   I’ll probably do another vitamin post in the near future.
  21. Almost anything can be a weapon. If you’re in an unexpected fight, fight for your life.  Be aware of your situation.  Practice something that gives you an edge in self-defense.  Practice it regularly.
  22. Don’t get strung out about the normal risks of life. There are 13,000 or so middle schools (grades 6, 7, and 8) in the United States.  So, there are about 60,000 total coaches.  30,000 of them lost this week.  They deal with that.  You should, too.  You won’t win every game.  Some of your risks won’t pay out.
  23. You can choose to be a victim or not. Make a decision.  Choice is yours.  But if you leave yourself in a position to be a victim?  Remember, you chose it.

But, strangely, these twenty-three points don’t make headlines.  Why?  I didn’t have to tell them to you.  You knew them already.

So do them.

Or don’t.  But don’t tell me you don’t know them.  You know, every morning, if you’re doing them or not.

Does anyone have a good contact in Southeast Asia for a henchmen training service?

Asking for a friend.

Scams and Cons at Any Age, Part II: The Canadian Menace

“Blame Canada.” – The South Park Movie

canadianscam

Please help stop the senseless slaughter of Canadians that voluntarily give their lives so your pancakes can be tasty!  I sent them $20 real dollars, not those Canadian ones.  Or . . . could this be a scam?

Last Wednesday we discussed scams that you’ll run into at different ages.  We made it from birth to age 22 and listed some of the scams that you’ll be exposed to (Scams and Cons at Any Age, Part I, as told by Admiral Ackbar).  Today we’ll keep going, and if you don’t find the information useful, I promise a full refund of all money that you’ve paid directly to me to read this blog (note to self:  when I edit this stuff into a book remember to edit that last sentence out).

Early Career:

You’ve graduated from college, or have opened a small but successful business, or you’re pursuing a trade like welding and you’re 24.  Life is wide open!  You’ve successfully avoided college debt through one way or another, or maybe you have a modest debt that you can repay without too much difficulty every month.

Let’s go get scammed!

The easiest way to get legally scammed is your choice of partner.  If you’re with a bad one, you’re going to end up paying for it for (potentially) decades.  If your spouse is particularly unemployable and you are really employable, some states (the Internet in 2018 says Connecticut, Florida, New Jersey, North Carolina, Oregon, and West Virginia) allow for lifetime alimony.  So, if you have the bad sense to marry a gold digger?  It will outlive the cat and could last as long as that herpes he or she brought home.

canadabirth

How birth works in Canada.  Since all children are socialist and owned by the government, it’s okay if you pick up several that aren’t yours to raise if you live in Canada.

Another way (men only) you can get scammed is through paternity.  Yes, you can be found legally liable to raise Some Other Dude’s Kid (SODK) if your blushing bride is a wanderin’ if you’re married when she gives birth and you claim the kid, or don’t object within some arbitrarily short period of time.  And lets’ face it, babies all sort of look the same, so the chances of you missing that deadline are pretty significant.  In the worst case scenario, you end up paying child support and alimony when your wife starts shacking up with the Some Other Dude.  Yeah, I don’t personally know anyone this happened to, but I’ve read about several cases.  And this is perfectly legal in every state.

Thank heaven you’re not French – they explicitly have outlawed paternity testing so it is illegal to check to make sure your mademoiselle hasn’t taken to the boudoir with some other Pierre.   But that’s okay, being a father is just a social construct, right?

canadianstowork

The easy way to get to work in Canada isn’t by mass transit, it’s by moose transit.

The next big scam is car purchasing.  I’ve written at length about my philosophy on car purchasing.  You can find some representative posts here plus results of my bad experiences.  Give them a read – they will save you thousands of dollars . . .

Repeat After Me: Never Buy a New Car (and other lessons for young adults)

“Wreck. Big wreck.” – Long, Sixteen Candles

Will you buy a Tesla™ 3?  You already have.

I’m gonna tell you about an accident, and I don’t wanna hear “act of God.” – Jack Burton, Big Trouble in Little China

Outside of bad relationships, I think new cars are the biggest scam that a young early career person faces.  What kind of a bargain is a vehicle that you drive off the lot that immediately becomes less valuable?

And if you’re reading this blog, the chances of you falling for a Nigerian-Prince level scam are nearly zero.  The writers of those scams specifically put misspellings into the emails so that smart people ignore them – the laughable quality and easy verification that the scam is a lie the point of the scam in the first place.  The last thing the scammers want is a smart person to deal with – the email itself is an IQ test.  Only the scammable need apply.

As it is, the “Nigerian-Prince” scam accounts for 48% of Nigeria’s gross domestic product.  And I hope you didn’t fall for that fact that I just made up on the spot – ha, I bet you believe that there’s an actual Nigeria now.  Ha!  But THEREZ GOOD newS, I have SUM OF $48 MILLION USD that UNKLE BRADLEE left in trust for me and YOU ONLIE NEED TO PROVIDEE your bank account routing information for me to wire it 2 u.

Middle to Late Career:

You’ve reached your peak earning potential.  You’ve been scammed a few times, like me, most of them completely legal versions.  For the most part, you’re either broke or you’ve grown wary of anything that sounds too good to be true, like Social Security or that George R. R. Martin will ever finish the Game of Thrones™ series (Actual Book Series Title:  An Infinitely Long Story Consisting of People Talking in Rooms Because I Can’t Figure Out How to End It Song of Fire and Ice®) before his heart finishes him or that there’s a new version of The Gong Show™.  There is, in fact, a new version of The Gong Show® and it is fabulous.  George R.R. Martin, however, appears to be doing absolutely anything but writing.  Maybe he could be a judge on The Gong Show©?

canadadictator

It seems as if Dr. Phil has been busy?  I like the new Canadian flag, a LOT!

Dating scams seem to hit this group a lot.  Why?  After being married, and now being single, scammers can target the richest age group with a pretty significant emotion:  love and longing.  I’ve read on the Internets about folks spending tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars on their never met in person Internet lovers.  While some of these folks do get prosecuted, it’s pretty hard to convict them unless they’re fraudulent in a pretty flagrant manner, especially since the victim willingly sends the money, and, in some cases, tries to keep the relationship going even after the scam is exposed.  I guess true love can’t be stopped, even by borderline abusive behavior and financial fraud.  Now if the scammers are ugly . . . ?

Investment scams are also a big deal, but instead of love, they focus on greed.  A great example of this was Bernie Madoff, whose name alone shows that God has a sense of humor.  Really, you invested with a guy whose name sounds like “made off”?  Guess that explains why you dated Gina Cheatintramp in high school . . . .

But investment scams don’t have to be out and out lies and fraud – they can be more insidious.  Is your broker really working for you, or are they working to maximize their commissions?

I’d write a lot more here, but this post is already nearly at length.  Perhaps this will be a future post.  Or not.  It depends on if I think I can makes something SO BORING as fees and taxes on investment funds humorous.  Dunno.  Maybe if we represent the investment funds with swimsuit models?

Retired:

Fear is the major leverage point of scammers for older folks.  And I’ve seen it in person.  Pop Wilder became (as he grew older) grew correspondingly more fearful.

Why?  My opinion is that older folks have fewer options.  It’s not like they can decide:

“You know what?  Being old and retired sucks.  I’m going to leave it all and become an 89 year old lumberjack in Saskatchewan and start a Canadian rock band called Mötley Canüe and chase 19 year old Canadian girls.”

groupies

Pictured:  Canada.  Not Pictured:  Groupies.  I guess the concert would have gone better if we actually had instruments.  Or could sing.

So, Pop Wilder was complaining about expenses – that was his biggest complaint about retirement – his expenses went up and his income didn’t.  I was helping out financially (a little bit) and he explained that his prescription drug costs were astonishingly high.  At the time, the Internet bubble still hadn’t popped, so places like superprescriptions.com (I made this domain name up, so if you go there and are bombarded with advertisements for cheap, dodgy Chinese Viagra®, well, this is a post about getting scammed) were offering his prescription drugs for about 20% of the price as his local pharmacy.  I put together a list – his prescription bill would drop from $700 to about $150 a month.

He wouldn’t do it.  He was more afraid of changing (“what if they don’t talk to the medicine in a soothing voice each night like the local pharmacist does?”) than he was of losing $550 a month.

canda a eh

Imagine an alternate universe where everything is exactly the same, but Canada is spelled Cunudu.  I’d pay to live there.

But older people have another vulnerability:  the world has changed so much that their effective ignorance goes up daily – who can keep up with all of the change in the world?  And it’s started to hit me, too.  When I have a technical issue I just hand my laptop (or whatever gadget) off to The Boy or, increasingly, Pugsley, and they fix it, generally at lightning speed and with competence.  As an example of my reluctance to change technology, my phone is four years old, which might as well be a dinosaur (not a cool one, but one of the lumpy ones that lives in a swamp) compared to the newer phones on the market today.  So, I guess I’ve got a bit of that technophobic bug myself.  I even use my mobile phone for phone calls on occasion, which makes me super rare.

The only time I ever heard Pop Wilder drop the F-bomb was in conjunction with his computer:  “It doesn’t work.  It’s all f***ed up.”  The sheer frustration combined with the unexpected profanity has made this a go-to phrase for The Mrs. and I whenever some complicated thing in our house just refuses to work.

This was a regular occurrence for Pop Wilder.  I think he would (nearly monthly) take the huge, hulking tower (that the local PC people told him was the minimum system he needed to hook up to the Internet) back to their store.  They’d make some minor software changes to the Windows® settings that Pop Wilder had inadvertently messed up, and charge him $150 for dry cleaning his hard drive or lubricating his computer chip.  Every four months they’d change out some larger part for giggles.  After the computer worked again, they’d phone up Pop Wilder and he’d drive thirty miles to go and get it.  They both walked away happy.  Kinda.  Again, a scam, but a completely legal one.

Over all, I think the best advice is still this:  Be honest with yourself.  Be honest with the world.  It’s not a bullet proof way to avoid being cheated, but it’s pretty good.  But someone, somewhere, sometime is still gonna cheat you.  Legally.

I blame the Canadians.  It’s not like they’re really at fault, but they’ll still apologize.

Oh, still not a financial planner or investment dude or anything.  MAKE YOUR DECISIONS AT YOUR OWN RISK.  Really.

The Silurian Hypothesis, or, I’ve Got Lizards in Low Places

“As the 21st century began, human evolution was at a turning point.  Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest, the fastest, reproduced in greater numbers than the rest, a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man, now began to favor different traits.  Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized and more intelligent.  But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction.  A dumbing down.  How did this happen?  Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence.  With no natural predators to thin the herd, it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most, and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.” – Idiocracy

gornvkirk

SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!  The Iowa Assassin versus the Green Skinned Lizard Killer from Zontar-A.  Let the match begin!  Your ticket gives you the full chair, but you’ll only need the edge of your seat!

The Silurian Hypothesis is a simple one:  humans may not be the first intelligent inhabitants of Earth.  Dr. Adam Frank, astrophysicist at the University of Rochester and Dr. Gavin Schmidt, director of the NASA® (pronounced NAY-Saw) Goddard Institute, a division of Tesla® framed and named this discussion formally.  Put simply, the idea is that there might have been another civilization on Earth before people.  Like way before people – little to none of the current surface of the Earth is older than about four million years old, so the only organism alive today that might have seen the world before that time is your Mom.  Because she’s old.

It really can’t be said that Frank and Schmidt came up with the idea, because they named it after a Dr.  Who™ episode where lizard people from the Silurian age showed up in 1974 Great Britain because they overslept their suspended animation alarm clock.  Spoiler alert (for a 48 year old television series) humanity killed all the lizard people.

And Dr. Who did feel kinda guilty about committing genocide against an entire race, at least until the next episode where he had to fight the Scantily Clad Women of Zetar 9 armed only with tanning lotion and Piña Coladas.

gorn with the wing

But if there had been a civilization that existed before present time, back in the deep history of Earth, how, exactly would you even find it?  The Earth’s surface turns over on a regular basis – one article I read said that no part of the Earth’s surface is older than about 4 million years.  What Frank and Schmidt wrote a paper about wasn’t about the speculation if there had been intelligent life before humanity since that question has been out for at least 100 years.  No, their paper was what evidence might exist that we could use to determine if there had been an ancient, intelligent, pre-human civilization.

And it turns out it’s not very easy to determine if an intelligent species might have lived on the Earth long ago.  Four million years is a long time, but the dinosaurs went extinct 65 million years ago, and managed to be the dominant lifeform on Earth for 165 million years before that.  The age of the dinosaurs began almost a quarter of a billion years ago.  Again, not as old as your Mom, but still a very long time ago.

And that’s the point.  Four million years is a very, very long time.  When I start to think about human artifacts that would last that long the first thing that comes to mind is bricks, pottery, and glass.  But, again, 4 million years ago is a very, very long time.

Even farther back, there was a great inland sea over the middle part of the United States.  And then formation of the Rocky Mountains, at 55 million to 80 million years ago.  That amount of time doesn’t even take us halfway back to the start of the dinosaurs, which were by any measure the most successful land lifeform ever, even before being reincarnated in the toy box and imagination of every 7 year old boy.

jurassic

Here’s the Jurassic world, thankfully with 100% less movie. 

So was there enough time for an intelligent civilization to form?  Sure.

But civilization doesn’t mean sophisticated, and it doesn’t mean technological.  Just like there are ranges of steak (from Awesome to Super Awesome) there are ranges of civilization, from hunter gatherers at the low end, all the way up to super-galactic alien empire at the high end.

Challenges of a civilization:

  • Brain Complexity – This is the big Kahuna, the large cheese. Without enough complexity in the brain, the behaviors required to create a civilization simply are not there.  Birds flock based on instinct, but true civilization requires more than instinct – it requires the ability to create technology and worth together in conscious, novel ways.  Based on the human evolution timeline, it looks like this level of evolutionary change requires about 4 million years, a number we’ve already talked about today.  Coincidence?
  • Available Energy – We can have the smartest beings that have ever lived on the planet, but if they don’t have sufficient available energy in the form of fossil fuels or fission, the highest level of technology that they will be able to reach is approximated by the Roman Empire. And, yes, the Roman Empire had some pretty cool tech – they could drink cold beer in an air-conditioned house.  But space flight, electronic computers, plastics, and streaming Netflix™ movies were quite beyond them.  Was there oil available to kick start this hypothetical past civilization?    Oil has been formed throughout time, and, yeah, if our hypothetical civilization went looking, they might have found it.
  • Environment – My initial thought had been that the climate needed to be stable enough for an intelligence to form. But is that right?  I don’t think so.  Based on the one and only case of intelligent life we know of (us, silly), I’ve changed that opinion.  Human evolution leading to intelligence has taken place during a period of significant climactic instability.  Is it possible that the ice ages didn’t inhibit human civilization, but in fact were the reason for humans developing intelligence?  Is there a similar stress during the time of the dinosaurs?  Yes!  You can see at least one stressful climate event.  Yay, climate change!

climate

See the “ice age” 150 million years ago? 

It’s been suggested that there were several candidate species of dinosaurs that were developing along the lines of an intelligent species – they walked on two legs, they had thumbs, had a fairly large brain, and were called Troodon (which is an amazingly lame dinosaur name).  Dale Russell was the scientist who discovered Troodon, and pretty quickly asked the question (after a few shots of tequila), “Hey, how close was this thing to becoming sentient?”

dinosauroid

Here is a sculpture of Troodon (in the back) and a hypothetical evolutionary ancestor, the Dinodude.

It had a big brain for a dinosaur, and, given a few million years, the kind of time it took for humans to evolve from some sort of pinheaded monstrosity that could barely discern red wine from white to statuesque blonde girls with beer at Oktoberfest.  A more in depth look at Russell’s story can be found here (LINK).

oktoberfest

Still far cuter than an Australopithecus afarensis, even if you shaved it.

So, if this precursor intelligence existed (a big if) why haven’t we found them?

The biggest reason is that, based on the paleoclimate graph above, my bet is that they would have existed 150 million years ago.  From a civilization that spends a collective 4 billion hours each year looking for car keys, I’m not really hopeful that we’d find an entire lost civilization that existed before iPhones®.  Let’s face it – dinosaurs were everywhere for 165 million years, and what do we have to show for it?  A few, (very few) bones, some bugs in amber, and all of the plastic straws that the dinosaurs left everywhere.

Gorn Flakes

Okay, seriously, what would we be looking for?  A greasy ash layer?  DinoDirecTV® satellites in geosynchronous orbit?

Well, sorry, that satellite idea won’t work.  Even a geosynchronous satellite (one that orbits at exactly the same speed that Earth rotates at) decays over time as itty-bitty space dust hits it.  And if you’ve got a few million years to spare?  Not a problem, the satellite will spiral down into a fiery death over some ancient ocean.

gorn eharm

A greasy ash layer?  Well, despite McDonald’s hamburgers being impervious to time, ash happens all over the place for tons of reasons.  But what if warring dinodudes decided to have a nice, cozy nuclear war?  What would you see?  Well, lots of uranium in the sediment.  None of the other byproducts would have lasted this long, but the uranium 235 has a half-life of 700 million years, so it would have.   So, I did a Google® search for “uranium deposit sedimentary Jurassic” and it turns out that that lots and lots of uranium exists in sedimentary rocks, especially in Colorado and in Thailand.

Proof of a past nuclear war?  Probably not.  Most all of the Uranium that exists is the “fun” uranium 238 that you give to kids to play with, and not the uranium 235 which puts the boom in bomb.  So, to find proof, you’d need a higher amount of uranium 235 than expected.  I guess I could prove all of that myself, but  I’d have to do a lot more research, and probably spend a lot of time in third world countries (like Utah where you can’t even get decent booze) doing research and sweating collecting samples in dusty holes.  There are SO many jokes I’m not going to make right now.

So, that’s the first place I’d look – high concentrations of uranium 235 outside of ore bodies in sedimentary rock, and at least one USGS paper indicated some excess 235, but probably not our ancient dinodudes.  But if they never figured nuclear bomb making out, what then?

The best place to look for evidence would be the Moon.  It doesn’t have active geology, like Earth, and, outside of the constant bombardment from meteors, at least any evidence of visitation would still be on the surface, though irradiated by the Sun’s raw rays for millions of years.  But spaceflight is hard, arguably harder than making nuclear weapons.

gorn identity

It might be nearly impossible to find them if they didn’t make nuclear weapons or travel to space.  Heck, if you were a coal miner and found a gold dinodude ring in the coal?  Off into your pocket.  Would you believe it if you were a paleontologist and found a dinodude’s five pound gold crown?  Who would you tell?

Would you work to establish (against all the ridicule that science could bring to bear) that a former culture existed that has never even been hinted at, 150 million years in the past.  Or, you could pop that crown in your pocket and walk away.  (I picked gold because, uniquely, if you dropped a five pound gold crown or golden statue of Johnny Depp’s hair on the ground, unless it was mashed or melted it would still look exactly the same a billion years from now.  Gold doesn’t rust, it doesn’t tarnish.  It’s awesome.)

I’m not saying that there’s been either a coordinated (unlikely) or individual (more likely) decision to hush up findings.  I am saying that no sane paleontologist would mess up his tenure track position at State U to bring up a theory that involved an unknown culture that no other academic has ever even speculated about?  No academic has incentive to do this.

I’m not sure that intelligence is all that important for an evolutionary trait.  My main evidence?  Where is another species that’s intelligent?  That uses tools?  That has language?  Oh, sure, the most likely case is that we would have killed them if we found them, but they don’t seem to exist.

My theory is that intelligence only gets you so far, and will only develop under extreme situations.

What?  Intelligence isn’t important?

Well, it is.  Again, to a point.  The cunning of a wolf.  The keenness of a fox.  The smarts of a squid (squid are smart, and tasty).  But I’m not sure that it helps a lot if any of them can study Nietzsche or Seneca or Shakespeare.  Heck, it would probably be a net survival deficit for a Fox in Socks to Quote Shakespeare on Rocks.

This will (probably) be a future blog post, but there is evidence that, even among humans that the optimum IQ for social and economic performance is somewhere between 115 and no more than 130.  No more than.

So, if a Jurassic reptile from 150,000,000 years ago shows up with an 800 IQ and starts talking?  Feel free to make fun of him.  Meanwhile, here’s that picture of the Oktoberfest girls again:

oktoberfest

Read This Blog or I’ll Shoot This Car and You’ll Feel Guilty Forever

“You have learned to bury your guilt with anger.  I will teach you to confront it, and to face the truth.  You know how to fight six men.  We can teach you how to engage six hundred.  You know how to disappear.  We can teach you to become truly invisible.” – Batman Begins (The good 2005 one, not the earlier crap.)

DSC01395

If you don’t read this blog, I’ll shoot this car.  Then wouldn’t you feel guilty?

I sat staring at the ceiling in the darkened apartment, the lights from the parking lot casting shadows on the walls.  I couldn’t sleep.  I tossed and turned.  Finally, I resorted to reading.  I’d read every night until I literally fell asleep with a book in my hand.  I remembered, in particular, reading a big, heavy hardcover at the time, one that was about 1053 pages long.

I was being eaten alive inside.  I was wracked with guilt.

What was I scared of?

Well, I hadn’t finished my master’s degree yet, but I had moved halfway across the country and started a new job.  No one was asking me about my degree, but I knew that dreaded moment was coming soon.  “So, John Wilder, where’s your degree?  We need to see a copy.”

This was impossible.  My thesis wasn’t even written yet.  And I had moved halfway across the United States and taken a new job.

My torture continued.  Outside of the lack of sleep, the guilt from knowing that I hadn’t finished my degree sent a chill down my spine (or is it up my spine?) every time I thought about it.  At work.  Shopping.  Waxing my moose statue.  Finally, after a week or so of this torture, I went in to my boss, who was only five or so years older than me.  We started off talking about the work I was doing.  At the end I brought up the degree.

John Wilder:  “Oh, and one other thing, I’m not quite done with my master’s yet, I still need to finish and defend my thesis.”

Boss:  “Whatever.  I’m not even sure the company cares.  In fact, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t.  We hired you, not a degree.”

And that was that.

In that moment all the fear left me, and I felt silly for worrying about it, and even sillier for keeping it bottled up inside of me, eating away at me like a Kardashian at an all-you-can-eat waffle and cream cheese covered bacon buffet.  Sometimes that horrible truth you have bottle up inside of you . . . is no problem at all.

This has been the norm in my life:  if I confronted the problem, or was honest about it upfront, the problem (most times) went away.  And when the problem didn’t go away, fixing it because I was honest and upfront was easier than the times (in the past) that I’d waited to confront the issue.

Guilt is a cousin to Worry, and not the good kind of cousin that brings a twelve-pack to your backyard barbeque and then offers to watch your kids so you and the wife can go have a dinner out.  No.  Guilt is a bad cousin that shows up at 3am, kicks your dog, and eats that steak leftover you have in the fridge while talking with its mouth full and smelling vaguely like a wooden barroom floor near a Marine base.  But Guilt and Worry are related.

Worry is paying for the future problems you might have, whereas Guilt is worrying about the repercussions from past actions.  Let’s be real:  I wasn’t worried so much about not having the degree (I did finish it a year later) but was really worried about having moved halfway across the country only to be fired and become economically destitute – a warning sign for future people to say, “don’t be like that idiot.”  I had done the deed.  Or in this case not done it.  My question was what would happen once I’d been found out.

And most of the time your imagination can create future consequences far scarier than they ever would be in normal reality.  Unfortunately, I’m an imaginative guy.  I can go from getting a “C” in a college class to getting kicked out of school to living in a squalid drug den and smelling like Johnny Depp in about three steps.

The choices (if you don’t want to eat yourself up alive inside) are simple:  confront the guilt, or, better yet?

Don’t do things that make you feel guilty.

Duh.

Scams and Cons at Any Age, Part I, as told by Admiral Ackbar

“It’s a trap!” – Return of the Jedi

admiralscam

Admiral Ackbar knows the score . . .

Con games are as old as lying, which is to say as old as people.  The “con” in con game stands for “confidence.”  The entire point of a con game is to gain the confidence of your victim or “mark” so that they don’t suspect that something is wrong.  True story:  I was at the State Fair here in Upper Lowermidwestia some years back and one of the carnival workers would try to lure people to play the carnival games by saying to passersby . . . “Hey, Mark.”  I assumed he meant Mark Twain, who had been travelling with us:

mark twain

But in reality he meant me, which was good because Mark Twain is only imaginary, and I would feel pretty bad if other people saw him, too.  He was open and outgoing that I was just a mark to play his game and lose money.  I fooled him!  I played that stupid basketball game until I won the medium-sized stuffed animal.  Only cost me $75 in tickets to finally win it!

And there are plenty of other names con men call the mark (thanks to Wikipedia for a nice list):  sucker, stooge, rube, or gull (for gullible).  There are lots of other names for the con game as well, but con game or scam will work for our purposes.

The perfect con game (we’ll just use “con” as a noun from here on out) should just look like another event in the mark’s life.  Heck, it might even be something that the mark brags about.  The idea is that the mark willingly gives the con man (or grifter) his money, and then, for whatever reason, doesn’t realize he’s been cheated, or, if he does realize he’s been cheated, won’t talk to anyone about it.  In many cases the actual con game sounded much more difficult than working, and a good grifter might make even more money as a politician or salesman with poor scruples (I crossed the one out because I didn’t want to be redundant).

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How do you avoid being cheated?  It’s hard.  The first concept is “you can’t cheat an honest man.”  Ideally, if you were to avoid everything you were to run across where the deal seemed too good to be true, you’d probably be able to avoid 90% plus of the scams that are out there.  The other thing is being properly skeptical of claims and looking for unbiased verification.  However, the very best scams attempt to provide you with unbiased verification in the form of biased websites, biased experts, and situations that apply pressure to make a decision . . . now.

As a rule, if I have only three hours or some other arbitrarily fixed and short timeframe to make almost any decision, the answer is “no.”  I’ve never felt bad about that . . . rule, except for the experience that made me set that rule . . . which you can read about below.

But different scams are appropriate for different ages.  I can swindle a three year old all day long, but the big problem (and the reason I don’t spend my day swindling three year olds) is that three year olds have inherently bad credit and a very limited access to large amounts of cash.  They’re certainly gullible, but they’re crappy victims.  Rule number one:  never spend time swindling the broke.  I learned that lesson only after accumulating about 5,000 drool covered Happy Meal® toys.  Stupid toddlers.

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Sometimes it’s not a scam . . . 

Also, despite the jokes I might make, this is a how to NOT get swindled post.  Knowledge is power.  Or something.  Anyway . . .

Teenagers:

Teenagers are only slightly more difficult to swindle than toddlers.  They simply don’t know much.  But unlike toddlers, they think they know everything, which makes them easier to swindle.  But also like toddlers, teenagers don’t have all that much that’s worth taking.  I’d avoid cheating them – it’s really not sporting.

Here’s my story of getting grifted as a teen, from my blog post on cars (Repeat After Me: Never Buy a New Car (and other lessons for young adults)):

(Backstory:  my car was rear-ended by a drunk teen.)  The car, literally owned by me for less than two months needed a lot of repair.  I went in to find out when my car would be done.  The manager (the father of a girl that had graduated a year before me) invited me into his office.  He had a fairly long speech that he shared, indicating that he had found some cheaper parts than he had originally quoted the insurance company, and, well, my $200 deductible could go down to $40 if I only paid him in cash, right then.

I’m not sure how he knew that I had exactly (and only) $40 on me at the time, but his cash radar was perfect.  I pulled out my wallet (brown nylon with a Velcro® strip that kept it closed) and pulled out my $40 and handed it over.

I felt vaguely dirty afterward, like I’d done something wrong.  Honestly, I still fill icky about it writing this down.  The reality is that he probably just needed money his wife couldn’t track for booze or lunch and saw an 18 year old coming . . . and decided to separate me from all the cash that I had.

Yeah, not very sporting, right?  But, again, all it cost me was $40.  Much better to scam are . . .

College Age/Young Adults:

The biggest scam for many kids is college.  And it looks so legitimate.  But college is the perfect scam because it involves big money.  Tuition isn’t cheap, and is rising far faster than inflation says it should.  Beyond that, the current average grade at Harvard is an A minus.  Let that sink in.  Nothing says scam like a diploma mill, and if Harvard is a diploma mill, what chance does Lame Duck County Community College have to enforce anything resembling an academic standard?

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Additionally, college has entered into the realm of “being the new high school” since employers are looking for smart employees.  College at least weeds half of the students out even with the high average grades, so it’s at least some sort of test.  It would be far cheaper for businesses and the economy as a whole if we just allowed IQ or intelligence testing of employee candidates which correlates well with not only intelligence but also with diligence.  Alas, for some reason it seems to be some sort of allowable bypass to only hire from colleges that only accept kids with great ACT or SAT scores (which are great proxies for IQ).  So, instead of an IQ test that takes half an hour or so and costs a few hundred dollars, kids now have to shell out tens of thousands to hundreds of thousands of dollars to make them candidates for top positions.  And don’t even TRY to pass the bar (outside of California) without a law degree approved by the American Bar Association . . . .

Additionally, college has the advantage of generally not being paid for by the person getting the service.  Often, it’s paid for by parents.  When it’s not, it’s often paid for by student loans.  Buy, you say:  “John Wilder, the student has to pay back the student loans.  Aren’t they responsible?”

“Nice hat,” I respond, “it must keep the sunlight off your pointy head.”  Seriously, have you ever met an 18 year old that could intellectually conceive of paying off a debt of tens of thousands of dollars over the course of a decade or more?  NO!  We don’t allow these people to drink because they’re far too stupid.  But, yet, we allow them to make decisions that essentially grind them into servitude for the Academic-Industrial Complex.  Ohh, I need to trademark that phrase.

Another way that scams get you is similar to what happened to my friend Joe – I discussed this in a blog last year (Scams, Your Momma, and Cheap Speakers)

“So, guys, the most incredible thing happened to me,” said Joe.  “I was at a Burger King® and I had just finished eating.  I was walking back out to my car, and this guy in a van stopped me.”

I think I jumped in with something to the effect that very few good things happen when a guy from a van approaches you in a Burger King™ parking lot.  Joe ignored me and continued, “He had these speakers in the back of his van.  He had dropped them off at a rental, and he had mistakenly signed two extra out.  If he took them back to the shop, they would have fired him for checking the extras out.  These are $1000 speakers! Each!

“I got them for $300 for the pair!  They sound totally awesome with my stereo!  I had to run to the bank to get the cash, but I got them!”

I smiled.

I had just read in the local newspaper that there was a scammer group operating around the metropolitan area of Moderatelylargecity, East Westeria near where we lived.  They were selling speakers worth about $50 a pair out of the back of trucks at fast food restaurants.  Cash only.

I thought to myself – “Hey, Joe likes the speakers.  He really likes them.  And if you tell him it was all a scam, he’ll hate the speakers and feel stupid.  Is it hurting anyone to let him think he got a deal?”  Joe was a nice guy, and I successfully held back my inner jerk (on that far distant morning).

So, college age kids are just coming into their prime for scams.  I’ve heard that they’ve updated the old “speakers from a van” to include websites touting the brand of speaker that they’re “selling.”  In the information age, have to be ready for the 22 year old with a smart phone.

Amazingly, I’ve only gotten 22 years into my 78 year survey of how you will be cheated during your life.  I’ll continue this topic next Wednesday.

Show Me the Man, I’ll Show You the Crime: Justice, Civil War, and Game of Thrones

“If you think this has a happy ending, you haven’t been paying attention.” – Game of Thrones

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I’ll admit I’m enjoying this season of Game of Thrones.  Intrigue.  Betrayal.  Lust for revenge.  Oh, wait, that’s just the political news since August started.

As I’ve noted before, none of these political posts about civil unrest are my wish – they’re more what I see coming (or maybe coming) as history rhymes with the past in the United States.  It’s not the same, really, since we’re very different as a people in many significant ways than 1860, but the passions of the people and the divide that we see doesn’t appear to be closing and in a way that is reminiscent of the 1850’s.  Here are a few of the previous posts in this loose series:

Harvey Silverglate wrote the book Three Felonies a Day – I bought my copy back in 2010, Amazon reminds me.  Silverglate’s theme in this book is that there are literally so many regulations and laws that you’re breaking multiple laws daily.  And you don’t know that you’re breaking a law because many of them aren’t horribly logical or even obvious.  Silverglate gave the spoiler in his title – he thought the average American committed three felonies a day regardless of evil intent.  At that rate, the government holds all of the cards.  Lavrentiy Pavlovich Beria was head of Stalin’s secret police.  Beria’s second most famous quote, “Show me the man and I’ll show you the crime.”  His most famous quote?  “Whazzzzuuuuuupp?”

The idea is that you find the unpopular person, and then, because everyone has committed a crime (many, if not most victimless) you find the crime.  And let’s be honest.  Trump has committed felonies.  So has Hillary.  And, so have you.  I, on the other hand, have led a spotless and exemplary life, so no reason to go sniffing about here.

Like Beria, Robert Mueller has the man, so he will show us the crime.  We’ve seen this before – Ken Starr and his relentless and unceasing review of Bill Clinton gave us perjury charges when Clinton lied about (probably) the most pathetic sex ever to occur in the White House since Woodrow Wilson’s encounter with the first electric . . . well some things are best left unsaid.

And how do we know that Mueller is our Beria?  It’s simple.  He gave immunity to Rick Gates for crimes that were arguably worse than Paul Manafort’s.  He charged Manafort with things that the (according to many observers) are commonplace in Washington, and that no one has ever been prosecuted for.  And as far as income taxes, Representative Charlie Rangel failed to pay . . . a LOT of taxes.  And failed to disclose $600,000 in assets on a federal form.  And, yet?  No harm, no foul.  I could raise many examples of similar crimes by Congresscritters and government employees that only are prosecuted if they don’t play the bacon-wrapped-shrimp party game, where you go along with what’s going on.

Hmmm.

The main concept of this special prosecutor is that, regardless of what crime it is, a crime will be found that Trump will be prosecuted for.  This is a consequence of the idea that Trump is illegitimate, and must be cast out.  In conversations I’ve had with some on the left, the very idea that Trump could serve out his term is considered hateful.  The idea that 90% of Republicans love him is unfathomable.  I’ll explain below why this sort of thought is more dangerous than a Spice Girls reunion.

Belief in rule of law keeps society together:  it is the hallmark of Western civilization.  To the extent that society at large believes that guilty people are punished and the innocent set free, the rule of law is deemed to have worked.  There can’t be favoritism.  Not for cops.  Not for elected officials.  Not for appointed officials.  Not for Hillary Clinton.

When people believe that the system is rigged (rightly or wrongly) you get the Los Angeles riots, the Ferguson riots, and the Bundy Ranch standoff.  Remember the Bundy Ranch?

The Bundy Ranch standoff occurred in Nevada back in April of 2014.  I won’t recap it in detail, but it occurred because a group on the right felt that the rights of the Bundy’s were being violated.  Largely peaceful, the standoff resulted in the Bundy family keeping their cattle, but at least two people were convicted of felonies related to the standoff, although the Bundy’s themselves were acquitted of all charges based on gross prosecutorial misconduct.  I’m not saying I agree with the merits of the Bundy case, but dozens of people with guns showed up to back them.

But the rule of law is important because without it, we become stuck in never-ending vengeance cycles, like the people in New Guinea – here’s an excellent New Yorker article (LINK) about a society where warfare and revenge replace justice.  From the New Yorker:

The war between the Handa clan and the Ombal clan began many years ago; how many, Daniel didn’t say, and perhaps didn’t know. It could easily have been several decades ago, or even in an earlier generation. Among Highland clans, each killing demands a revenge killing, so that a war goes on and on, unless political considerations cause it to be settled, or unless one clan is wiped out or flees. When I asked Daniel how the war that claimed his uncle’s life began, he answered, “The original cause of the wars between the Handa and Ombal clans was a pig that ruined a garden.” Surprisingly to outsiders, most Highland wars start ostensibly as a dispute over either pigs or women.

And like Ken Starr animated the right in the 1990’s, Robert Mueller has animated the left.  The left is ready to declare victory, spike the ball, and prepare to fight President Pence in 2020.  As has been pointed out by astute commenters to this blog, there really aren’t two parties (normally) in Washington, merely one party with two faces.  Each one has the same goals, just different timing.  As far as I can see, the only principle each side sticks to religiously is their position on abortion, which is safe to fight about because the Supreme Court has taken that decision away from them.  No other principle is sacred to either side.

Thankfully, I still read it as unlikely that Trump will be impeached in this term.  Although the agencies in Washington are loyal to the agencies themselves and not the American people, it’s still my bet we end up with a Republican house until 2020.  But if the House turns?  The Senate will still not vote to convict on a campaign finance violation, especially when it’s possible the payments are completely legal, Trump having done so in the past to protect himself prior to becoming President.

But . . . what if?

Washington is firmly held by the statists.  For Trump, Washington is enemy territory – an enemy that he taunts almost daily.  In Washington itself, Donald Trump got 4% (that’s not a misprint) of the vote.  That explains why the left is incredulous that he won, they don’t know anyone who ever voted for Trump.  It’s clear that the careerists at the agencies don’t like Trump.  So who does have faith in Trump?

The same people that engaged in the standoff at the Bundy Ranch.

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But I don’t think it will get there, and I hope it doesn’t get there.  But if it does?  I hope it’s peaceful.  I sense we’re heading to a very difficult place, and I hope it doesn’t lead to Civil War II too soon.  I haven’t seen the end of Game of Thrones yet.  On the bright side?  Happy Monday!

Pleasure, Stoicism, Blade Runner, VALIS and Philip K. Dick

“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.  Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.  I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate.  All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.” – Blade Runner

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I wonder if there is any symbolism in this artwork?  I guess we’ll never know.

Recently I’ve been reading Philip K. Dick’s novel VALIS.

It’s interesting.  I enjoy it.

Philip K. Dick’s work (you never see him referred to as “Phil” or “Phil Dick”, it’s always Philip K. Dick, just like John F. Kennedy is always known as “Sassy”) has taken over Hollywood.  From Total Recall to Minority Report to Blade Runner to The Man in the High Castle, Dick’s work has been made into something like 14 movies and an entire series of shorter television episodes available on Amazon® Prime™.  In what might be the most ironic ending ever, he only really became popular after his death, with Blade Runner being released just a few months after he died at the age of 53.

The story themes that he visited during his life were fairly consistent:

  • What is the nature of reality? What if it’s a lie?
  • How do we know that we are sane?
  • What if reality is insane? What should our response be?
  • What is information? Is it living?
  • Where can I get more drugs? I mean a LOT more drugs.

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VALIS is based on (at least partly) a vision that he had in February and March of 1974, and describes a lot of things that Dick said personally happened to him, which include a secret Roman Empire that still existed, aliens, and the fact that his son had a hernia that would kill him if he didn’t have the doctor look at it.  The hernia part is verified.   The secret Roman Empire?  Not so much.  Oh, did I mention he did a LOT of drugs?  Yeah.  He made Hunter S. Thompson seem like a virgin.

However, as a writer he had an amazing amount of insight, which may account for the popularity.  One quote that struck me was an interesting philosophical digression in VALIS:

Masochism is more widespread than we realize because it takes an attenuated form.  The basic dynamism is as follows:  a human being sees something bad which is coming as inevitable.  There is no way that he can halt the process; he is helpless.  This sense of helplessness generates a need to gain some control over the impending pain – any kind of control will do.  This makes sense; the subjective feeling of helplessness is more painful than the impending misery.  So the person seizes control over the situation in the only way open to him:  he connives to bring on the impending misery; he hastens it.  This activity on his part promotes the false impression that he enjoys pain.  Not so.  It is simply that he cannot any longer endure the helplessness or the supposed helplessness.  But in the process of gaining control over the inevitable misery he becomes automatically, anhedonic (avoiding pleasure – JW).  Anhedonia sets in stealthily.  Over the years it takes control of him.  For example, he learns to defer gratification; this is a step in the dismal process of anhedonia.  In learning to defer his gratification, he experiences a sense of self-mastery; he has become stoic, disciplined; he does not give way to impulse.  He has “control”.  Control over himself in terms of his impulses and control over the external situation.  He is a controlled and a controlling person.  Pretty soon he has branched out and is controlling other people, as part of the situation.  He becomes a manipulator.  Of course, he is not consciously aware of this; all he intends to do is lessen his own sense of impotence.  But in his task of lessening this sense, he insidiously overpowers the freedom of others.  Yet, he derives no pleasure from this, no positive psychological gain; all his gains are essentially negative.

This idea is fascinating to me.  In this case, a virtue, self-restraint and stoicism, is turned into a vice.  And not only a vice, a vice that replicates itself and spreads its misery around.

I see this most often among people who have no real control or power in their lives – the people who sit on Homeowner’s Association boards and send out little notes that my grass is too long, or that my siding needs to be washed, or that they object to the new “sheet metal hammering and shredding at midnight with strippers” business that I set up.  The phrase that I’m reminded of that describes these people is:  “The fight is so bitter because the stakes are so small,” which is a paraphrasing of Wallace Sayre’s original quote, “I hate going to the Department of Motor Vehicles”.  So, not only do you not like going to the DMV, we’ve learned that they hate being there as much as you do, so they share their misery as much as possible.

But Dick’s quote also explains why people become self-destructive.  If they sense that they’re going to fail, well, they’ll toss some gasoline on that fire and get it going now.  The logic becomes simple – I don’t really fail if I control my failure.  Or deprive myself of pleasure.  I know I don’t deserve the money, so I’ll just save it until I die and leave it to my cats.  My ability to defer today’s pleasure becomes . . . a way to punish myself today.

And yet . . . there’s that leading stoic, Seneca:

“Therefore, explain why a wise person shouldn’t get drunk, not with words, but by the facts of its ugliness and offensiveness.  It is easy to prove that pleasures, when they go beyond proper measures, are punishments.”

Could it be that people subconsciously (or consciously!) punish themselves through pleasure as well?  Theoretically, being a philosophical stoic isn’t about avoiding pleasure, it’s about striking that balance.  Seneca himself was very, very, rich, but struggled with whether or not he should be a vegetarian.  Seneca decided not to be a vegetarian – it might have been seen as being pretentiously virtuous, like the vegan who does Crossfit™ and drives a Prius© – what do you tell people first???

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Absolutely there is virtue in self-control.  Right up until it becomes a vice.  Like lots and lots and lots of drugs.  Lots of drugs.  And maybe Crossfit™.

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