WilderAnon, or WAnon transmitted this information to me tonight which explains this first-ever Tuesday post. How he got it from the future is beyond me – something about a paradox whereby I avoid all legal liability. I’m liking that. To read about QAnon go here (LINK). I have no idea if WAnon represents a Deep State operative of the NSA with a time machine or the voices in my head.
January 3, 2019, 11:03 EST
Dear Diary,
It’s nice that I have a place to share my secrets and intermoist, er innermost thoughts. Ha ha ha, I wrote moist. Must be me thinking about Marco again (blush).
When I started moving my stuff in today, I was pretty excited. Then they told me that what I thought was my office was just the coat closet. I sure wish I was stuck in that closet with Marco! I sat in my pretend coat closet office in the corner for about two hours until my staff found me. They seemed really excited. It was nice to get out of that office because there isn’t a light in there, but I didn’t want to complain because I didn’t want to get fired on my first day.
Ever wonder what you would do if you were in a dark closet for two hours? I licked the walls, like anyone would. They were pine, but they tasted like salt. I sniffed the carpet, and it was surprisingly odor free, except for one corner. I played with my eyebrow. Oh, eyebrows since the electrolysis worked to remove the middle part and I now look less like a dwarf from Lord of the Rings and more like Liv Tyler.
My real office is big and has a nice desk, and there’s a brand-new laptop there. I asked my staff where I’m supposed to clock in so I get paid, and they explained to me that I didn’t have to clock in. Honor system, I guess. I’m not sure how I’m going to get overtime if I don’t clock in. Maybe there’s a timesheet. There’s a nice couch in my office, too. It makes me think of Marco and his broad shoulders and spending time with him on that couch. And that makes me blush!
I looked in my desk and found that they already had stickers, multi-colored erasers, gel pens, and the latest episode of Tiger Beat® ready for me. But I also have this new laptop. Somebody from IT set me up on this computer, and said that they had even set up a place for me to share my thoughts, and gave me a link to this diary. ZOMG! So excited!
I have 10 people on staff, and they asked me where I want them to be. Well, after the one who gets me Sour Patch Kids®, the one who picks up my dry cleaning, and the one who gets me latte, I’m not sure what I want the others to do. Maybe write plays about how power corrupts?
I am so glad that I brought up the fact that, in addition to being Spanish, Puerto Rican, and Native American I am also Jewish. I’m thinking of playing up that aspect in my next campaign, because who doesn’t love the Jews? I am biding my time to when I will announce that I’m also descended from interstellar visitors from Ceti Alpha 3, and a previously unknown race of sentient cats, and I am their kitten. If only I was in a relationship with someone who was gay, I would be the queen of intersectionality!
My new apartment is nice. I got there last night and moved in my futon and my clothes. My milk crates and planks are a great bookcase for my Karl Marx Swimsuit edition coloring book. Heat is free with the apartment, so last night I turned up the heat to 80 and walked around wearing only my Uggs®, while listening to Ariana Grande while sipping a pumpkin-spice latte. I then spent some time plucking my mustache. Marco says that if I don’t, I look like Fidel Castro.
Oh, Marco. I can’t stop thinking about him and his flowing brown hair, and his strong, muscular arms . . . Marco, Marco, Marco. I asked him to move down here to Washington with me, but he turned me down. He said that his life was in New York. It bothers me that I can’t get Marco out of my mind, since he’s never even kissed me. Sure, we go shopping together, he has such great taste. And he helped me decorate my apartment, too. Now I just walk around my new apartment naked and spend time eating Cocoa Puffs® – Mom isn’t here to tell me I can’t! I’ll sit here, naked, eating Cocoa Puffs©, plucking myself, and thinking about Marco.
Well, Dear Diary, I’ll hit save and go wander around for a bit. Honestly, I’m feeling a bit . . . restless after thinking about Marco. I needz moar pumpkin latte!
January 3, 2019, 3:03 EST
Dear Diary,
Well that was a surprise! My staff came running into the office about twenty minutes after I left you and told me that my Diary was going out to everyone on the Internet. Silly staff. I had to explain to them that there was no way it was going out to the Internet, since it was on my computer, right here. I showed them, and everything, but I don’t think they understood. They just walked out half an hour later shaking their heads. I’m not sure that they’ve ever had someone as smart as me in office, maybe I need to explain it more slowly to them that if I can see it on *my* screen, it’s not on the Internet.
Some people are so slow.
Oh, I’ve been working on writing my first piece of legislation. It’s about medical care. Each person deserves their own doctor, and if my legislation passes, each person will have their own, individual doctor. Someone who is concerned only with their health. My legislative staff laughed, because they said we would need 300,000,000 doctors if my plan passed. Well, if it’s the law, we’ll have 300,000,000 doctors! You can’t break the law!
Another one said that President Poopyhead would veto it. I told them I was too smart for that, because in the bill I’d put a clause that said he couldn’t. They shook their heads. I think they’re surprised no one ever thought of that before.
I think that I’ll call Marco to celebrate! I imagine he’s home by now. He shares his apartment with his best friend, Chad. They must be close – they only have that one bed that they share.
I miss Marco.
To regular readers: this is an experiment and depending on how it works this won’t replace any existing content, but will become a feature in addition to the existing content. We’ll see. Don’t forget, you can subscribe by putting your email in the box up there. I will never share (unless congress subpoenas it) or spam it.
Picture of Cortez via Wikimedia, by El Borde [CC BY 3.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)]
I told you that the podcast would keep getting better, and it is. I’m betting that by summertime we’ll have reached a singularity of funny that might swallow YouTube whole. In addition to our normal batch of helpful stories and hilarious banter, we have:
