Deep Thoughts And Dank Memes About Halloween And Strippers

“When the fear takes him, and the blood and the screams and the horror of battle take hold, do you think he would stand and fight?” – The Return of the King

I have a cookbook that mentions ancient evil monoliths:  the Necronomnomnomicon.

Most memes “as-found”, maybe an edit or two here and there..

When I was a kid, it seemed that Halloween was really about the kids.  I would dress up (usually) as a vampire, until I got older.  As I got older, it seemed that Halloween tipped from being a holiday for children to an excuse for younger adults to have drunken parties in costumes like “slutty elf costume” and “slutty Handmaid’s Tale costume” and “slutty presidential candidate”.

One thing that hasn’t changed, however, is that Halloween is about the darker side.  Ghosts and witches and monsters have been a part of the celebration since Pharaoh Bubbahotep got his chariot license.  You’ve probably not heard of that Pharaoh before – after they mummified him they kept him under wraps.

The time of Halloween is certainly in line with being a harvest festival – I mean, it’s after harvest in the northern hemisphere, and there’s plenty of evidence that some version of Halloween was observed in ancient times.  Whether or not the Christian holiday of All-Saints Day (November 1) was a takeoff from this is up for grabs, but the trappings and idea of this being a time focused on dead humans is undeniably thousands of years old.

At college, I told my advisor I wanted to take a class on how to be a mime.  He said, “Say no more.”

But, again, a harvest festival.  In the northern hemisphere, plants are dying at this time of year, leaves are falling, and it begins to get cold and dark.  This is the foreshadowing of winter, a time where the planning and planting and preparing pay off in order to tide families back to spring when the world comes alive again.  What better way to celebrate the idea of dead people and the impending bitter winter than by having a party, getting drunk, and dressing like a “slutty Seal Team Six” member?

Trick or treating itself has been practiced for (at least) five hundred years, including costumes and begging for food.  Ultimately, though, the idea comes back around to the idea of what happens to the soul after death – the year becomes, essentially, a proxy for the life of a human, with Halloween marking the time when death is contemplated.  And it’s scary to think about death.

Many people like to be scared – that’s one reason why horror movies are so popular.  In my dating days, I noted also that the scarier the movie I took my date to, the more amorous they became afterwards.  Keep in mind my sample size was mainly limited to girls who would eventually become strippers, but nevertheless, it’s still data.  Like grandma always said, “Write what you know, Johnny, even if it involves bad decisions, teenage lust, and women with daddy issues and narcissistic personality disorder.”

That meme makes me feel like a Djinn and tonic.

So, just like Pavlov’s dog, I began to associate scary movies with good times.  But I liked them before that, even as a young kid I’d stay up late to watch B-movies in black and white on Saturday night and feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up when the sound of the house settling at night would happen in the dark behind me.

Is working on your abs for forty minutes daily a waist of time?

Part of horror for me, though, was the idea of the supernatural.  I recall reading Stephen King before he morphed into a parody of someone’s GloboLeft lesbian wine aunt with Trump Derangement Syndrome and the first book of his to profoundly disappoint me was Cujo.  Why?

It was about a dog with rabies.  That’s it.  No evil spirits.  No Walkin’ Dude.  No vampires.  Just a stupid dog with a stupid disease.

So what?

Bad things happen, I get it, but horror to me wasn’t Michael Myers attacking teenagers in the night while wearing a William Shatner mask inside-out.  No.  It was him getting up after taking damage that would kill a dozen men and relentlessly pressing forward.  He wasn’t a man – he was a force beyond anything natural, much like my deodorant.

The other part of the horror trope at the time was that the Final Girl, the one who faced down the supernatural bad guy, was virtuous.  Who got killed?  The kids drinking and making out.  Who lived?  The clumsy virgin.  In essence, these horror movies were morality plays showing that the wicked were punished and that the virtuous were rewarded, a lesson that thankfully went over the heads of the eager and enthusiastic frolicsome fräuleins.

Those morality plays made sense, and the plot, like a tune, had a melody that was familiar and pleasing.

I guess they couldn’t party in the living room.

Again, for me the element of the supernatural was crucial.  One of the things that I realized over time is that the element of Evil implied that there was Good, too.  The dark, Lovecraftian world where ancient brooding evil ones who didn’t even pay any regard to mankind in an unfeeling universe hadn’t crossed my mind yet, but that was before I had even met my ex-wife.  But a movie like The Exorcist, was based on the existence of Evil.

And that Evil wasn’t aloof and uncaring.  No.  That Evil was intensely interested in humanity.  Intensely.  In fact, humanity was the focus of that Evil in a war that we could only see the edges of, one that was being played out in realms we had only the barest perception of.  The Exorcist implied all of that, but also more than implied the existence of the other side:  Good.  With a capital G.

If Cthulhu made cheese, would he call them “LoveKraft Singles”.

I know that moral relativists hate the idea of this duality of Good and Evil, preferring to live in a world not of black and white, but one filled with shades of gray.  Or grey.  Or . . . now why am I thinking about gravy?

Regardless, lots of people were scared by the embodiment of Evil shown in The Exorcist.  I was comforted.  My love of horror isn’t about a fascination with death and Bad things – quite the opposite, it’s about a fascination for life and Good things.

And most of those girls I dated aren’t strippers anymore, which is a good thing given their age, that they’re now saying: “Sorry, we’re clothed until further notice.”

Author: John

Nobel-Prize Winning, MacArthur Genius Grant Near Recipient writing to you regularly about Fitness, Wealth, and Wisdom - How to be happy and how to be healthy. Oh, and rich.

26 thoughts on “Deep Thoughts And Dank Memes About Halloween And Strippers”

  1. Halloween “displays” around the ‘hood have gone off the charts, both elaborate and ridiculous. But not “for the children” by any stretch of the imagination. Rather, it is needy, attention whoring adults, many without children themselves, who break out the inflatable scary clowns and 14 foot tall skeletons in early September to try to one-up the needy, attention whore next door.

    Whole lawns festooned with scores of stupid, little plastic pumpkins and ghosts, bats and witches. The worst add epilepsy-inducing pulsating light displays with sound effects, to really trigger the neighbors. And a week after those decorations come down, up go the over-the-top Christmas displays. Look at me! Look at me!

    Sheesh, some people.

    2. One of my neighbors has a simple set of hands reaching up out of their lawn, beneath a tree with a red floodlight on them. Moderately creepy.
      My other neighbor has nothing. Vines are growing over the path to the back yard. No lights on inside. The yappy little dogs don’t bark when we walk by any more. I used to chat with the old lady when I saw her outside, but it’s been months. If there were a bad smell in the area, that would be WAY creepier!
      Whenever I walk past another neighbor’s house, I smell weed. They’re college students, I think. For the moment. And that’s just sad. College may not ensure success, but smoking weed while neglecting your shot at college doesn’t help.

      Lathechuck

    1. It’s weird that there are actually a lot of haunted sites all over the world and many of them appear to be legit. As a kid, I loved the book “Thirteen Alabama Ghosts” (by Kathryn Windham IIRC). It was a collection of real world ghost stories for the state and apparently she did similar compilations for many other states as well. Used to scare the crap out of me reading it (and yet I kept reading it over and over again).

      Anyway, I actually got to visit one of the story sites as a kid when driving through Carrollton AL. The local courthouse has the image of a human face emblazoned on one of the glass windows. As the story goes, a guy being held prisoner in that room died when courthouse burned down. Later when the courthouse was rebuilt, his facial image appeared in the windowpane .

      It wasn’t scary in the traditional sense and it didn’t make my girlfriend at the time want to take off all of her clothes, but the thought of seeing that window still gives me chills 50 yrs later.

  3. “I would dress up (usually) as a vampire, until I got older”
    John, was that the Lehman Bros. type of vampire or the more traditional? Both are pretty scary.

  6. Bubba Hotep is a great movie! It’s too bad the Vampire Strippers movie never got made.

    3. Agreed. I was really surprised how great it was, since I bought it on DVD for the title and knowing Bruce was in it.

  7. “it seemed that Halloween was really about the kids.”

    I was tired and read “Halloween” as “Hollywood”. Both versions work.

  9. Halloween was an excuse to shake down neighbors for free candy. Period.
    Horror movies are a waste of $15 bucks, and 2 hours of my life, neither of which I’ll ever get back.
    Total number, lifetime, I’ve ever seen beginning to end is maybe two, and one of those was The Exorcist.
    And, as noted by Beetlejuice, “it keeps getting funnier, every time I see it…”

    As for the costumes for slutty adults, the faux memo about covers it:
    “Due to staffing shortages, anyone wearing a slutty nurse costume will be required to work a shift at the hospital.”

    As for haunted houses, unless it’s Disney’s Haunted Mansion (and not the abysmal annual Nightmare Before Christmas bastardization of it), I couldn’t be less interested if it was an explanation of cricket rules by Whoopi and the coven on The Spew.

    For that matter, while I’m up, Halloween used to be about one gorram night, not an entire pimpapalooza that runs from July 5th to Nov 1st, which then skips Thanksgiving entirely to start pimping Christmas crap until the Super Bowl.

    Nowadays, I’ll watch Ichabod Crane & Mr. Toad, followed by Beetlejuice and/or Murder By Death, buy my own candy, and turn the sprinklers on for any entitled brats who ignore the darkened doorstep and try begging for candy. A close second is doing my best version of Kevin Pollak channeling Christopher Walken at Halloween.
    “Which one of yu little jerks can guess what I’ve buried under my house. Hey, kids, come back!”
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6m4oSvoNs8

    /rant

    1. Yeah, we turn off the porch light after not having seen a kid in years.

      Walken would be a fun neighbor.

  10. I never got horror movies, John. The Haunted Mansion (Olden style, as Aesop notes above) terrified me as a five year old and that was that. I have maybe seen less than five in my time, although Blade and its sequel were entertaining (Are those horror movies, or superhero movies?).

    Evil is terribly real. It is a bit of a problem for me to entertain myself with it. Like lighting a match while sitting on oily rags.

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