Envy And Being Thankful: One Of These Is Good

“I mean, people should be envying us, you know.” – This Is Spinal Tap

A friend of mine has a really jealous wife.  She went through his calendar and wanted to know who May was.

In the second year of my career, I didn’t get a bonus.  I had gotten one the previous year, but by my second year I had done some great stuff, and managed to save the company quite a few dollars – as in several hundred thousand dollars.  Since I had gotten one the first year for, and I quote, “managing not to cause my computer to short out by drooling on it”, I was expecting even more money.

Nope.  Zero.  Nada.  Nil.  Empty set.  Biden’s brain.

Several of us at the company were all hired at the same time, and we compared notes.  Almost no one had gotten a bonus.  One person in the group did get one, but he wisely didn’t advertise it.  I think it was because he had good hair.  He still does.

Pavlov’s hair was really soft because he conditioned it.

Of course, I got together with another co-worker who also didn’t get a bonus, and we had (really) a pity-party.  It may or may not have involved more alcohol than it should have, as well as us complaining about a company that provided us more than enough money for a comfortable living, great benefits, and fun work.  It was exactly like two kids complaining that their parents were meanies.

One thing I’ve tried to do in my life is to understand when I’m mad, why I’m mad.  Was I being an idiot, or did I have a legitimate grievance?

In this case, I thought long and hard about it, and came to this conclusion:  I was securely and completely an idiot.  A self-absorbed one at that.  And just like a German sausage that’s been left out of the fridge overnight, I came to realize:  spoiled brats are the wurst.

Why?

Watching Willy Wonka makes me crave chocolate.  Perhaps I should avoid Breaking Bad.

I was angry because I wasn’t recognized as a special snowflake and given a pat on the head.  It was selfish.  Beyond that, it was silly.

From that point onward, I decided to have the following attitudes:

  • If the place I work gives me something extra above my base salary for free, I’m going to take it and smile. It was more than I had before.  If you always expect zero, you’re rarely disappointed.
  • If the place I work doesn’t give me something extra? Smile anyway.  Life is what it is, and being mad only upsets me, reduces my performance at work, and makes it less likely I’ll get something extra.
  • Don’t worry at all about what someone else gets. It doesn’t matter.  At all.

Now, there is an argument about “fairness” but I’ve noted that fairness is entirely in the eye of the beholder.  It’s subjective, especially in an environment where raises and bonuses are based not as participation trophies, but as an actual reward for performance.

Yeah, her ears stick out and she has a list of previous boyfriends tattooed on her back.

In reality, every second I’ve worried about someone else’s situation is a second of my life that was as wasted as Kamala Harris sounds whenever she talks.  In fact, I’ve trained myself to not feel upset.  An example:  when I was in Texas, driving my (bought used) four-door mutant-ninja-turtle-green Taurus® and I saw a $120,000 Mercedes™ pull up alongside at a stop sign, I’d think:

  • Nice car. Bet they haven’t paid it off.  I recall reading that something like 70% of people who own a Mercedes© bought them with a loan.  I assure you I owned my Taurus© free and clear.
  • Okay, if they have paid their Mercedes® off, my Taurus™ was still far cheaper to insure.

I didn’t create these little mind games to elevate myself above them; that would be monstrous.  No, I created them to kill any momentary envy I might have.  I’ve been doing this for years now.  It’s almost second nature.

How has it worked?

World hunger and Mercedes® have a lot in common.  Princess Diana couldn’t stop either.

It’s worked really well.  Now, when I see successful people I don’t envy them a bit.  I try to learn more about them and how they got successful.  Success isn’t about a competition against other people, success is the result of being the best that I can be.  If I’m wallowing in self-pity or envy then there’s no way I can be the best that I can be, because I’d be spending too much time at Leftist protest marches.

I know that some groups advocate that “whatever you feel is natural, and you should totally go with it, dude.”  And that’s utter nonsense.  In most (not all – grief at the loss of a loved one comes to mind) cases I feel what I choose to feel.  That’s right.  I don’t have to feel whatever pops up into my brain.

I am responsible for my attitude.  I am responsible for how I feel.  These are not some alien being inhabiting my brain.  These are my choices.

I can feel envy.  I can feel self-pity.  And if I choose those feelings?  I’ll always, always be miserable.

Or I can reject those feelings, and feel pretty good about life.

Does that mean that I reject reality?

Certainly not.  But I have no idea about the context of most people’s lives.  To judge someone on a bonus, or a car?  Nope – it doesn’t make sense.

I judge people rationally.  By the size of their earlobes.

I spilled coffee on my keyboard.  Now there’s no escape.

And one bonus I got later was stock.  My boss apologized because they had authorized a certain number of shares, and the share price had gone down to $2 at the time he gave them to me.  It wasn’t a lot of money.

I said, “thank you,” and really meant it.

I later sold the stock at $40.

See?  Start with thankful.  Good things will follow, except for the hair.

I do miss that.

Author: John

Nobel-Prize Winning, MacArthur Genius Grant Near Recipient writing to you regularly about Fitness, Wealth, and Wisdom - How to be happy and how to be healthy. Oh, and rich.

36 thoughts on “Envy And Being Thankful: One Of These Is Good”

  2. Its not always easy to remind yourself how blessed by the Lord I have been but I have gotten a lot better at it.

    1. It is hard – but remember – sometimes not being given something you want is the biggest blessing.

  3. Yeah I haven’t mastered this. And then to add CRT training sessions on top of that… Oh boy. Makes for a short career at any one megacorp today.

    Fortunately I’m retired, and I retired before CRT became the law of the land /s

    But there are many good things I am thankful for. And I do focus more on gratitude than I have in the past.

    1. We should all endeavor to be the person for which CRT was developed to counter-act.

    2. CRT. Ugh. I think if they ever introduce that where we are (unlikely) that I will be an asteroid: a short but bright burnout.

  4. The lure into petty envy and sour grapes is always a threat, but keeping your own circumstances in perspective is a powerful tool, indeed. Since I like aphorisms, homilies and mantras (who doesn’t?) here are a few that I repeat to myself in a low monotone whenever I find myself seated in the lotus position on top of the mountain:

    1. You made your deal at the door, no comebacks.

    2. No matter how sh!tty your day is going, someone else is really hurting for better reasons than you have.

    3. Answer the question that’s asked, no other.

    4. Let a smile be your umbrella while its raining a$$holes.

    5. This, too, shall pass.

    Luck is random, faith is not. Believe in yourself and your purpose and stop worrying about everyone else. It’s the only way to fly.

    1. That Mercedes comment brought to mind, when I owned a Chevy Vega. It was mine, no loans etc.

      But I did find out that if you accidentally on purpose drive a bit erratically around a Mercedes or BMW, they’ll drive a brand new car into the ditch to keep from hitting your beater.

      1. Ha! I love that! I just wish that one day that someone would install turn signals into a BMW.

    2. 3.

      I love that. When Pugsley or The Boy start wandering about, I snap them back. That’s worthy of a post . . .

      I love your five rules.

  5. Wise words. I’m slowly getting better at looking at the glass being half full and following the principles you’ve listed. Thanks for some positive reinforcement.

  6. I guess I’m not on that high of a moral plane.

    One company I’ve worked for paid out annual “bonuses” and it really was not meant to be “above and beyond one’s base salary,” but was touted as part of the overall compensation package. What it really amounted to was leverage; leverage to reward and punish. It was best thought of as a messaging tool for management. And the message management usually wanted to send was not who was outstanding at performing their job and being useful to their fellow employees, but who was outstanding at getting involved in all the social virtue signalling and high profile projects that management wanted to highlight in their own self-promotional literature. The comment about “CRT” strikes a nerve. Except the buzzword I hear is “D&I” (diversity and inclusion), which seemed to be designed to be as least inclusive as possible. My issue may be that I can remember having no nonsense managers that were older than I was, instead of these millennial and Gen Z kids with all their “woke” stupidity.

    About half those high-profile projects seem to have a very tenuous relationship to making customers happy. Some years I would get a nice (not extravagant) bonus, some years virtually nothing. There seemed to be little ryhm or reason to it – it was more a function of who was my immediate manager. Those years where the bonus was token … was more demotivating than just about anything. It felt like a slap in the face. Because what I had done those years was virtually identical to the years where my bonus was more generous. Inconsistency makes it hard to figure out what message they really wanted to send. There really is such a thing as “damning with faint praise.”

    And underlying it all, the bonuses were really not that generous; certainly not enough to justify all the wasted man-hours spent creating goals and trying to rate progress. There were only 2 times a year any one paid attention to the goals … in Q1 when the goals were mandated for us, and Q4 when we were required to rate ourselves. They hardly even got lip service other than those two times. It really is more of a cost than a benefit, given how it is used.

    As I near retirement age, the issue becomes moot. Just another example of the inefficiencies and irrationality of modern day corporate management. I will celebrate ejecting out of that system.

    This is really a failure of management, a misuse of a reward/incentive system. The company owner allowed it, through what I suspect was mostly benign neglect or lack of oversight. And upper middle management was too removed from the situation, and mid middle management and lower- middle management were too caught up in the trends and buzzwords of the month. (The fact that there were this many levels of management should tell you something.) And front line supervisors had little control, since their recommendations and ratings of their people were always “modified.”

    But hey, I’ve been able to stay working till official retirement age, which is more than a lot of over-50 year olds have been able to say. For that, I’m grateful. I just wish they would exempt me from their goal-setting and bonus system, and let me do my job.

    1. Just to be clear, I was never envious of my fellow employees who got nicer bonuses. More power to them!
      It’s more the frustration of being caught up in a system that isn’t working as advertised. I’ve always had a low tolerance for hypocrisy.

      1. Never took it as envy.

        I just look away from what others get. It’s easier for me to ignore. Would being upset help anything?

    2. Exactly!

      See, my life ignores that nonsense. Let it flow like water off a duck’s cigar.

      I know there is nonsense. It’s my choice if I want to play that game.

  7. I used to fish and crab. I enjoyed the task, since it usually ended with something to cook. Time, and progress removed my prime fishing spots, and after fishing with my ex-wife, I realized my only job was to bait hooks, remove fish from lines, and spending long periods of time removing whiplashes from her reel. The thrill was gone.

    One thing I noticed while crabbing was how they acted. The first crabs in the basket required covering. Without a cover, they’d scamper out within minutes and escape. When the basket was full, covering really wasn’t required. If a crab decided to make a break for it, one of the crabs in the bottom would pull it back down.

    I realized crabs are much like people. Success leads to envy of others, and ultimately, if it becomes out of control, all are destined to the same fate; and the fate is not what was envisioned..

  8. “whatever you feel is natural, and you should totally go with it, dude.”

    This works great if you are in a hunter-gatherer society, for which most of our genes were selected for. Many of our problems are due to being caught midway between evolving from h-g to farmers, including many of our dental issues. It’s not a coincidence that all 7 of the Deadly Sins would be selected for in a hunter-gatherer society. Envy is a good trait (reproductively speaking) when only the top 20% or so of the males in your group get to mate, and you need to be motivated to keep trying to kick their ass if you are currently in the 80%.

    That said, I think strong emotion at not getting rewarded appropriately is called for. Many corps seem to rely on enough people hanging on even if raises/ bonuses are less than inflation to offset the costs of hiring new people to replace those in search of greener grass. Or at least in search of the next place to work at for 2-3 years then look for a new place due to pay increases not keeping pace with inflation and the rise in average salary.

    1. I love that thought process!

      I have no problem with looking for other places. But here’s the weird thing: once I stopped worrying about money, people started calling me.

      I didn’t have to look.

  9. By all means avoid envy.

    But giving your employer an altruistic pass is simple. And I mean that in an IQ sort of way.

    It’s also good to enjoy your work, but don’t love your job.
    It will never love you back.
    Your employer’s world is 1s and 0s, and in that equation, they’re the 1, and you’re the 0.
    Loyalty is always upwards, never downward, because no boss has ever fired himself to keep his employees working.
    QED

    Thus, the only way to keep score on how much they actually love you, is how many bananas they put in your pay envelope each week.

    So keep your resume updated, and don’t be afraid to take a better offer. Like most dysfunctional dating relationships, business employment is one where the only way to get a raise – and respect – is to leave.
    And frequently, down the road you’ll come back, but only after they offer you a bigger raise to do that.

    Employers (at least bigger ones) are a lot like cable companies and landlords like that. They’ll give the newbs the sweet deal, and crap all over loyal people 24/7/365. They’re literally paying you to leave by charging you more to stay; and then, paying you to come back.

    Let them.

    The days of being George Bailey or Bob Cratchit at one place for 40 years for a gold watch and a pension are over.
    The company will re-organize, and the pension will be gone. Old, unemployed, and broke is no place to be.

    You want a loyal friend, get a dog.

    1. Mr. Aesop, A great boss / owner is the one who works for free to keep from firing his employees. Firing himself is counterproductive.

      Those willing to build those businesses had a hard time competing with the rent-seekers, H1-B jerks, et al., and the Covidiocy went for the jugular of the ones that were hanging on. Amazing how the Wuhan Gurgling Death knows to avoid Costco, but strikes the mom and pop store down the road, nu?

      Never did envy, myself; not even tempted a little (I have other vices), so I cannot say how natural it is from the inside. I mostly get torqued off at bosses who take stuff away: bennies that let me do my job more easily or get better results. Oh! And garbage hypocrisy; of the sort where they make obnoxious rules about shoes (no ballet flats or pumps!) in the office because (I kid you not) someone once dropped a pencil point down onto the top of her foot, and then the under-worked wankeress who made the rules shows up to meetings in flip flops.

      One note:
      In most (not all – grief at the loss of a loved one comes to mind) cases I feel what I choose to feel.

      Memoirs of survivors of holocausts: Ukrainian, Cambodian, and the like, have reported that they can hold off mourning while needful. I think we let in the flood tides of grief in in civilized places because the loved one deserves it. One *ought* to mourn.

      1. Indeed! Well said with every keystroke. I have a weird ability (perhaps my superpower) that I turn off EVERY emotion in a crisis and focus on the crisis.

        I deal with the results after.

        But grief must be dealt with.

        1. Your superpower is a result of conditioning, reinforcement and reward. In days past, men were expected to “compartmentalize ” events, and continue on until time was available to deal with traumatic events, and still be the head of the household. Today, men are expected to be like women and men, which results in soy boys and wokeism. Like the saying goes…soft men create hard times, hard times(we are almost here!) create hard men, and hard men create good times, and good times create soft men….
          And so the cycle goes….

      2. Yes, that is a great boss.
        Don’t hold your breath waiting for one; they are rare as hen’s teeth.

    2. Was having a similar conversation yesterday with a co-worker. I am a high school teacher and the VP spent the week sending out emails and walking around pushing these “Go School” t-shirts on the staff to wear yesterday. I enjoy my work more than anything I have ever done for work. I rarely have the “do I have to go days” unless I am sick. I don’t, however, have any connection to the school as a job. I have taught at three schools and this one is definitely the best, but it is a job. They pay me to come in and do something I love, I do my best each and every day. I have no emotional connection however. The idea that I should somehow be a cheerleader for the company that hires me is odd.

      1. Fair statement, from start to finish. I really hate the cheerleader crap myself.

        But the real mission isn’t the cheerleading.

        And I focus on the real mission.

    3. 10/10 agree.

      In the previous post, I talked about how I had (in Pa Wilder’s mind) job-hopped. Each time, I got 20% plus in compensation. And those employers called me.

      Eventually that adds up.

      In my experience, though, when I wasn’t filled with envy was exactly when things got better.

      I am willing to leave any employer.

      But I am willing to live with the deal that I took when I walked through the door.

      Until I walk out.

  10. 1989-92 Sacramento had a no-commercials radio station called WINNERS NEWS NETWORK.
    They broadcast snippets of motivation speakers 24/7, a few seconds of wisdom from recordings of talks and workshops.

    Earl Nightingale.
    That cheesy blowhard tony robbins.
    Zig Zigler.
    Jerry Gillis!

    And Jim Rohn:
    * “You have a choice. You can be frustrated, you can be fascinated.”

    1. If you live life like it’s a game?

      It’s all fun. People take this stuff too seriously.

      1. It is a game.

        And in any game, there are winners, and there are losers.

        Winning is always more fun than losing, even in “just a game”.

        Trust me on this.

        1. I was going to make a comment on my luck so far.

          Then I remembered to never count my money while I was sitting at the table.

          There’ll be time enough for counting, when the dealing’s don.

          1. “…when the dealing’s don…”

            An homage to the greatest President of recent times!
            [ applause ]

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