“Captain, there be whales here.” Star Trek: Search For Whales
Has A.I. even seen these movies? All art for today’s post is A.I. generated, maybe after it or I (or both of us) had some drinks.
Here are my picks for the best movies of the year 1986 that I remember fondly now. Why? Why not. It’s Friday, and there’s certainly enough heavy stuff going on, and each of the movies on the list below, in its genre, is better than anything made this decade. In several cases, the movie might not have been great, but it was one I watched that year and felt it was memorable.
They are in alphabetical order, which really implies no particular order since the starting letter of the movie has nothing to do with how good the movie is, with the exception of Zardoz, which features Sean Connery in an orange diaper, rendering your arguments moot.
If Pixar® had done Aliens . . .
Aliens – Aliens starts with A, so James Cameron gets to go first. The Terminator was really his “can James make movies” tryout so that he could make Aliens. Aliens took a horror franchise and transformed it into an amazing science fiction action movie. The great part about all of this is that it all looked so very real in a world without digital effects. Too bad no one ever made a sequel to this. It could have been great. It’s also sad that James Cameron retired. To think, if he hadn’t retired, he might be making stupid movies about blue aliens.
I guess there’s an admission preference for illegal aliens.
Back to School – Rodney Dangerfield. Girls in bikinis. The Triple Lindy. This movie was set back when you could make fun of everyone. And Rodney did, including Kurt Vonnegut, to his face. The plot is simple, millionaire decides to go back to college, has his assistants do his homework. Bonus points for the line “Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. Then bring one every ten minutes.”
Does that look like Kurt Russell to you? Stupid A.I.
The Best of Times – Kurt Russell and Robin Williams. In a movie. Together. Yes, this happened. The result was a great comedy about reliving the past and trying to make up for that mistake you made a decade ago. A simple movie about simpler times, and very funny. How could it have been better? It would have been better if John Carpenter had made it.
I don’t watch anime, but I might watch this.
Big Trouble in Little China – Kurt Russell with John Carpenter directing one of my favorite movies of all time. Why? Because this movie is just about the textbook in what to do when your girlfriend and truck have both been kidnapped by an ancient, cursed, Chinese wizard. It’s got everything: dashing heroes, wimmins to be rescued, magic, kung fu, semi fu, butterfly knife fu, and balls of green flame fu. Green flame!
Working title: The Color of Rain
The Color of Money – I’ve only seen this the one time, and probably won’t watch it again, so this is a review based on remembering it from nearly 40 years ago. I was on the left side of the theater, so I don’t think I got the best stereo so, you know. This wasn’t a great movie, but it really captured the 1980s, what with Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman making an epic road trip . . . what? This is the billiards movie with Paul Newman and I’m really thinking about Rain Man? Oh. Take this one off the list.
I think they might need a drummer.
Crossroads – Before the Internet, the story of Robert Johnson selling his soul on the crossroads for musical success was passed in the school hallways by someone who half heard it. That’s where I heard it, and, weirdly, most of the details were right. This movie came out after I’d heard about it, and it was great. Ralph Macchio, even though I think he was forty or fifty years old (the man does not age, I think he sleeps in Tupperware® so he doesn’t spoil) when he did this movie did a great job as a kid who wanted to learn the blues. Guitar solos at the end? Pure 80s. Sadly, this movie was successful enough that the scriptwriter wrote Young Guns and Young Guns II, proving that he probably had first-hand experience at the crossroads.
Not A.I. generated. Unless we’re living in a simulation.
From Beyond – If you don’t like horror, just skip ahead. Bringing H.P. Lovecraft to the screen is hard, because sometimes his writing glossed over the details. From Beyond brings the horror of Lovecraft to the screen, the thought that there is a universe just next door that wants to get to us, and the things it wants to do . . . aren’t pleasant. Except for Barbara Crampton in a leather bikini. That was pleasant.
If only Batman® could have saved the American car industry.
Gung Ho – Michael Keaton is now an “actor” after playing Batman®. Back in 1986, he was a guy who was great in comedies. Gung Ho is the story of a car manufacturing plant that was closed, and the fight to get a Japanese company to come and reopen it and the comedic cultural clash that follows. This was the 1980s, and back then the Japanese scared the heck out of America, since it looked like they could do all of the things we couldn’t do anymore: build great cars, be Japanese, have discipline, create anime, and have Micheal Keaton in a comedy.
Looks like the kid is trying to decapitate himself.
Highlander – Sean Connery plays a Spaniard with a Scottish accent, while the French actor(who didn’t speak English) Christopher Lambert played a Scottish guy with a French accent. Whatever. It worked. A group of immortals move through time to the time where they have to gather and try to decapitate each other. Except in churches. And the movie opens at a professional wrestling match. It really, really sounds silly, but it’s a powerful movie that, sadly, there was never ever a sequel to.
Looks like the Village People® are here, too.
Iron Eagle – This movie taught me that it’s easy to learn to fly an F-16 in a montage that just lasts a few minutes, and that everyone flies better if they strap a cassette player to their thigh and play rock and roll while you shoot down MiGs. I believe that this is the current air strategy of Ukraine, since in their latest aid request they wanted Louis Gossett, Jr. to train their pilots, and wanted some Sony Walkman™ cassette players. Okay, this wasn’t a great movie. And I haven’t seen it since 1986. But if I ever need to fly an F-16? I’m gonna rent this one on VHS.
Has there ever been a more 1980s picture? I think not.
Maximum Overdrive – This movie makes no real sense. It was based on a Stephen King short story, and in the 1980s, movies regularly appeared that were based on the shopping lists a cocaine-crazed Stephen King would write before blacking out for the evening. In this case, a cocaine-crazed Stephen King also directed it, before passing out for the evening. What happens? Trucks and cars come to life, and you know what that means. An AC/DC® soundtrack. It’s not a horror movie, it’s really a 98 minute music video that doesn’t take itself seriously. I watched with the kids a few years back, and they laughed, a lot.
Okay, maybe this is more 1980s.
One Crazy Summer – This is an flick about John Cusack (yes, I know now he’s an insufferable tool who blocked me on Twitter®) and Demi Moore (yes, I know now she’s an insufferable tool) in a romantic comedy that’s got a flair for the absurd. Bobcat Goldthwait stuck in a Godzilla® costume destroying a model of a planned development in front of the investors? Priceless.
Okay, this one was difficult to get to – the A.I. just hated doing it.
Ruthless People – This was a Zucker brothers movie, so it’s that kind of humor. Bette Midler is an awful person who gets kidnapped, and Danny DeVito is her awful husband who doesn’t want her back. It’s the first movie I saw Bill Pullman in before he was elected president after being a hero fighter pilot (he probably watched Iron Eagle to learn how) and killed the aliens on Independence Day.
Probably not far off from the real poster.
Short Circuit – Alley Sheedy gets a sentient robot that won’t shut up, and comic hijinks are the result, rather than it plugging into DARPANET and annihilating the human race. This one, thankfully, is spared a cocaine-crazed Stephen King.
Well, I have no idea what this hot mess is, but I couldn’t pass it up.
Star Trek IV: Whales In Space – Yeah, I know that’s not the official title, but when I write that, you know which one I’m talking about. This wasn’t the high point of the Star Trek movies, that was Wrath of Khan. But it did involve time travel to 1986 America, and Kirk going on a pizza date with a marine biologist and going home to a stolen Klingon® vessel. I’m beginning to get the idea that 1986 was a year where people weren’t afraid to be a bit silly.
That’s it. Are these the best movies, ever? No. But how often do you see good comedies since, oh, 2016? Only three of the movies above were sequels or part of a “cinematic universe”. A lot of them were experiments that lost money, or made Sean Connery do silly things, like act with French people.
Will we see another year of movies like this? Probably not in my lifetime. I’m especially glad they haven’t made any new Star Trek since 2005.
Great year from my youth. I have found THE COLOR OF MONEY rewatchable, it might be worth a second look. THE BEST OF TIMES is a definite rewatchable, I still throw out a Reno Hightower reference every once in a while. Two of Kurt’s most underrated in the same year. MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE, best soundtrack ever? It’s a shame what King has become. Same for Cusack.
Three you didn’t mention: THUNDER RUN, last film for the great Forrest Tucker, and he’s fighting VW driving terrorists with heatseeking missiles on top of the Bugs in his souped up 18 wheeler in the Nevada desert. At one point he jumps the semi over a moving train. Maybe you had to be there, but they had me at Tuck. MURPHY’S LAW is a good Charles Bronson vehicle with a terrific closing one liner. And THE DELTA FORCE rounds out a Geezers of Action trifecta with Lee Marvin assisting Chuck Norris. You could even make it a foursome with TOUGH GUYS, teaming Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas for the final time.
Thanks for bringing back some high school memories!
This was me, btw. Published before I could log in 🙂
Well, Mr. Tucker kinda gave it away . . . !
I might give it another look, but my memory is Tom Cruise spinning a pool cue.
King and Cusack really did turn out to be tools. Perhaps if we air-dropped cocaine they’d be human again?
I’ll have to give Thunder Run a look – I haven’t seen it. I have seen the other three, and mildly enjoyed them. Tough Guys comes to mind, good comedy, that one.
1986 movies cannot possibly be done justice in only one post. You skipped Top Gun, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Little Shop Of Horrors, The Fly, Platoon, Crocodile Dundee, The Money Pit and that best one of all, Howard The Duck. Back then I would watch anything that had Lea Thompson in it – even Space Camp, another of her 1986 opuses that was even more ridiculous than Howard The Duck.
Lea Thompson was delightful, esp in All The Right Moves and I think we all know why.
https://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/lea-thompson-says-tom-cruise-rescued-her-from-filming-topless-scene-in-all-the-right-moves
Such riches! And, yeah, I liked Howard, but not enough to make the list.
I have only seen about half of those, in 1986 I was only 15 so not able to drive yet. I saw a lot more movies the last few years of the 80s, and by saw I mean bought two tickets and spent the entire movie trying to figure out how to unhook a bra.
Scissors.
Wow John – I had no idea all those came out in the same year. Kurt Russell remains one of my favorite actors. Also, a bonus for Highlander is that the soundtrack was by Queen.
Funny. Between that list and Ricky’s list above, there was a surfeit of movies that came out that were really enjoyable. Now, there are barely one or two a year I am interested in and I do not know they will survive the test of time. We had it so good back in the day.
Yes, that was just one year. I’ll revisit this again, but we live in a fiction desert. There is, of course, a reason for that.
not sure any actor has ever had a better 1-2-3 punch to start a decade than USED CARS, ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK and THE THING.
That, my friend, is spiking the football. Just amazing.
The ONLY bad thing about 1986 movies was that you couldn’t go see them on Friday nights or you would miss Miami Vice on TV. That’s when the show went from bright and slick to become more dark and gritty; what true MV fan wanted to miss seeing THAT version of Crockett?
Okay, never saw an episode. Because I was busy.
“From Beyond” is a classic.
“Maximum Overdrive” was entertaining. That steamroller scene shocked the trousers off of me.
“Aliens” was the first R-rated movie I saw in theaters. It’s just about perfect as far as movies go.
Aliens really is perfect. Pacing, development, it has it all.
Aliens: The Best Sequel EVER to this would be to have current-age Sigourney Weaver and Michael Biehn wake up from hypersleep, and both say >>>”Man, I had the worst nightmares” and then pretend all the craptastic sequels never happened.
Best Of Times: One of a regrettable string of about seventeen horribly unfunny movies that almost cancelled Robin Williams’ film career. But he was Robin Williams. The less said about this flick the better. It was almost as painful as watching Will Smith in Wild Wild West. Almost. The title apparently referred mainly to seeing the credits roll.
Big Trouble In Little China: You mentioned this movie without talking about Kim Cattrall?? Unless your wife is reading over his shoulder, someone check Wilder’s pulse. I think he’s dead.
Highlander: And Clancy Brown stole every scene he was in. Scores him a spot on the list of Top Ten Movie Villains Of All Time.
Iron Eagle: What do you get when desperate schlock producers cross An Officer and A Gentleman with Top Gun? The closest thing the Air Farce could get to a recruiting poster movie. Be glad they didn’t cast it with Pauly Shore and Pee Wee Herman. Which would have been closer to the actual Air Farce.
One Crazy Summer: Demi was better before Bruce, and before drugs. And this is the less funny of two movies John Cusack did with “Savage” Steve Holland (the better one being Better Off Dead), with whom he once had a yelling fight, screaming “You’ve ruined my career!” Since leaving Holland, Cusack hasn’t made anything as funny, or good in 40 years of trying, and became the poster child for Most Overtalented Underachieving Actor of All Time and Longest String Of Direct-To-Video Roles since they’ve been keeping stats, despite early success in roles in both Holland’s pictures, as well as Sixteen Candles, and The Sure Thing. If the guy didn’t commit suicide decades ago because of Cusack, his agent should be fired.
Unmentioned Hall of Fame:
Besides the obvious Top Gun, there’s Crocodile Dundee, Ferris Beuller’s Day Off (unsequelled EVAR, and all the better for it), Out Of Africa, Legal Eagles, Running Scared, Heartbreak Ridge, Murphy’s Romance, Three Amigos!, F/X, Back To The Future, Young Sherlock Holmes, The Name Of The Rose, The Manhattan Project, and Ran.
If Hollywood had flicks the equal of any 5 of those 15 this year, they’d think they were doing pretty well.
The past is another country. the 1980s were an embarrassment of riches.
I guess we’ll have to differ about Best of Times – it was a small movie, and I always enjoyed it.
Pulse is still there. Kim was 100% my crush through 1994 or so. Man! Don’t forget her run as Lassie.
Highlander: how bad must it be as an actor to have your first big role be your best ever. Mr. Brown’s “Happy Halloween, ladies” was perfect.
Iron Eagle was not great. But it was better than Iron Eagle 2.
Savage Steve Holland was 100% the talent that should have done more in movies. He had (in Better Off Dead) a Zucker touch for the absurd plus a Columbus touch for the sweet.
So many great films makes me look around and ask . . . what happened to us????
Re Steve Holland:
Check the credits sometime of Nickelodeon’s Sponge Bob Squarepants. 😉
Will do. The man is a talent. And I would watch Sponge Bob because he cracks me up.
I didn’t realize how bad I needed this laugh until I had it… thanks Wilder!
In honor of the 80’s absurdity, I put on some M.O.D in honor of B.C.E. just to keep enjoying how fucking fun the 80s were… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KgFWUOPtPc It’s kind of like that quote about needing to be punched in the face. Nobody gave a shit back then or got offended. Life got dealt with… guess we’ll see soon how it goes, they are hoping their plan of all those who were capable or care got too old… we’ll see!
They don’t make ’em like that anymore.
The 80s were an awesome time to be young. The 70s were over. Steve Dahl had the Disco Demolition at a ball game in Chicago. John Hughes was making movie magic. Drugs were cheap and usually what they were advertised to be (if you were into that). Sex wouldn’t kill you and except for a new thing called herpes, anything you did get could be cured with a shot. Girls were willing- but not willing to be sluts… Political Correctness hadn’t been invented, (nor had date- or marital- rape for that matter, not that those are good things.)
AM radio still played music, and it rocked, and FM was playing whole albums Friday night so you could decide if you wanted to spend the money. This thing called MTV started up, and New Wave hit the airwaves.
Late night pron was green and black wavey glimpses, and it was enough…
Jobs were plentiful and money bought stuff. You could work on a car in the driveway with ONE set of sockets and the damnable 10mm didn’t exist to go missing all the time unless you had a japcrap car, or a volksvagen… and then you deserved the misery.
The “teen sex comedy” was a thing at the movies. Porky’s. Revenge of the Nerds– “Hair PIE!!!”
Movie rentals were big, and there were even some big screen TVs to watch them on.
Even a high school kid could afford to see several concerts a year, and buy a T shirt while there.
Van Halen. Stevie Ray Vaughan. The Who. Styx. Cheap Trick. David Bowie…. all rocking live. (I didn’t see all of them, that would have been too awesome.)
Richard Pryor. George Carlin. Comedy albums.
Yes, it was a great time to be alive and young.
nick flandrey
It very much was. I think it was, nearly, the perfect time. There was so much to be engaged in, and there was still the ability to be anonymous. I do remember being on a date and my date’s mother asking my date and I to sit and watch Eddie Murphy’s “Delirious” with her. Well. Never so uncomfortable watching Mom laugh about the prom dress keeping Eddie’s date’s neck warm . . . .
The 80s were an awesome time to be young. The 70s were over. Steve Dahl had the Disco Demolition at a ball game in Chicago. John Hughes was making movie magic. Drugs were cheap and usually what they were advertised to be (if you were into that). Sex wouldn’t kill you and except for a new thing called herpes, anything you did get could be cured with a shot. Girls were willing- but not willing to be sluts… Political Correctness hadn’t been invented, (nor had date- or marital- rape for that matter, not that those are good things.)
AM radio still played music, and it rocked, and FM was playing whole albums Friday night so you could decide if you wanted to spend the money. This thing called MTV started up, and New Wave hit the airwaves.
Late night pron was green and black wavey glimpses, and it was enough…
Jobs were plentiful and money bought stuff. You could work on a car in the driveway with ONE set of sockets and the damnable 10mm didn’t exist to go missing all the time unless you had a japcrap car, or a volksvagen… and then you deserved the misery.
The “teen sex comedy” was a thing at the movies. Porky’s. Revenge of the Nerds– “Hair PIE!!!”
Movie rentals were big, and there were even some big screen TVs to watch them on.
Even a high school kid could afford to see several concerts a year, and buy a T shirt while there.
Van Halen. Stevie Ray Vaughan. The Who. Styx. Cheap Trick. David Bowie…. all rocking live. (I didn’t see all of them, that would have been too awesome.)
Richard Pryor. George Carlin. Comedy albums.
Yes, it was a great time to be alive and young.
nick
I loved Wild Wild West, especially the scenes where the black guy is trading insults with the legless man.
Talk about a movie that couldn’t get made today…
Yup, though that one was a bit later than 86. 😉
1986 was a great year. A personal favorite: Labyrinth. Still have my stuffed Sir Didymus.
(whistling) Well, um, yeah, I’ve (scratches dirt with shoe) never seen it.