Funny Lessons From The Franco-Prussian War in 2023

“By the authority vested in me by Kaiser William the Second I pronounce you man and wife. Proceed with the execution.” – The African Queen

The Kaiser never smoked weed, because he had no idea where Fort Wenty was.

In high school history, I’m pretty sure that the Franco-Prussian War was never mentioned.  Or, if it was, it was in World History when I was a freshman.  That was my first class, and the teacher was the head basketball coach.  His typical procedure was to tell us to read the chapter or watch a film.  There were a lot of films.  Then, he would wander down to the locker room, where he would make use of the coaches’ bathroom.

Coffee does that have effect.

I don’t remember the coach talking about the Franco-Prussian War, but, then again, through two semesters I don’t think he spent more than 10 minutes a day in the 45-minute class.  Perhaps he needed prunes?

Recently, though, I saw a documentary about the Franco-Prussian War that I found to be fascinating.  It’s long -6 hours, 8 minutes and 52 seconds, according to YouTube®, so roughly as long as Hunter Biden goes in a typical day without photographing himself with hookers and drugs.

The reason that this war happened was fairly simple – the French wanted to fight the Germans to look good with an easy win, and the Germans were, well, Germans, and invading France is as German as bratwurst, panzers, or invading Poland.

I think the blue could also stand for “reliable allies”. (meme as-found)

Napoleon III was Emperor of France, and his wife (really!) wanted to fight because she wanted to make sure that the country was united around her husband and son, so he’d inherit a kingdom strongly behind him.

Germany had other ideas, and Bismarck (the dude, not the ship) was trying to unite all the German countries.  Hmm.  I’m sensing a pattern here.  But Otto von Bismarck’s goal was to turn Wilhelm from King into Emperor, or Kaiser.  Bismarck was determined – you could say he was on a Kaiser roll.

It surprised no one when war broke out.  The Germans reacted as Germans do – troops showed up at the right time in the right place and weapons, ammunition, food, and other stuff was already there, waiting for them when they mobilized.  At the time, one person noted, “It is as if every cow knew which pot it was scheduled to be cooked in.”  Or something like that.  I’m not looking it up at 1:38 am.

Why do Germans drink beer?  To convince them mating is logical.

The French reacted as French people do.  Rather than go someplace logical, like toward the enemy, troops had to go to where their regiment was located.  If you were right next to Germany, and your unit was in Algiers, you’d have to go to Algiers to get with your unit, and then go back as a unit to the site of the war.

Yeah.  It doesn’t get better for the French.  The war started on July 19, and by September 2, the Germans had captured Napoleon III and over 100,000 dudes.  In previous years, this would be it.  And, in fact, after Napoleon III had fallen into German hands, he was sent with his butlers and support staff to a fancy mansion to hang out.

War of king versus king was like that in that time and place.

Again, it being France, the first thing they did is declare a Republic, their “Third” – (they’re now on their fifth).  Having seen what happens to French Empresses when things go south, Napoleon’s wife snuck out in the middle of the night and snuck away to England, which was thrilled to have a French person around they could make fun of.

I hear that Chinese probes are still doing stuff on the dark side of the Moon.  Seems shady to me. (as found)

So, France’s army was shattered, surrendered, or besieged.  Two weeks later, Paris was surrounded by Germans.  The war had been as polite as war could be up to now, and the French armed forces had been as effective as an army of kittens attacking a velociraptor.  The logical thing to do would be to surrender.

What the Germans were asking for was Alsace and Lorraine, two provinces that France had for a couple hundred years or so, but about 90% of the folks there spoke German as their primary language.  The new French Republic was fairly scared that surrendering those provinces would make them look bad, so they refused.  To be fair, the French wanted to annex a bunch of German land, too, but didn’t have the chance since they suck at war.

Their armies shattered, Paris surrounded and besieged, the French didn’t surrender.  One thing I noted was that when it was a war of one king versus another, as noted above, war was, while still awful, not personal.

When the Republic was formed, it was no longer a war of one king against another – it was a war of the people of France versus Germany.  The fact that the Germans were in France wasn’t really the fault of the Germans, both sides had wanted the war, and the French had, in fact, crossed into Germany before the Germans gave them a full hammerlock.

Hulk had to deal with anxiety about his career.  I guess you could call it wrestle-mania.

Regardless, at that point individual French citizens fought harder after losing their Emperor, Napoleon.  At first, this surprised me.  But it’s categorically different when people fight for something they own – they fight harder and longer.  Since they were untrained, poorly armed, and poorly lead, the effort was even less effective than the Afghanistan army, circa 2022.

The Siege of Paris lasted for four months and ten days.  In 2023, the average supermarket in the average city holds enough food for three days.  The average house has that same amount.  After a week, people would probably be fairly hungry, and would trade anything but their cell phone for a bag of Cheese Doodles® or High Fructose Flakes™.  In Paris of 1870, they didn’t run out of wine until late December, and I’m not sure the French have ever figured out that they could drink water.

Oh, wait, they did start drinking the water, leading to multiple epidemics that cost almost as many lives as the war itself.

Apparently, it’s now illegal to drink wine, shave, brush my teeth, and take a nap.  Driving is awful in 2023.

Eventually, the French agreed to an armistice, and, being France, they immediately had a communist revolution, but only in the cities, primarily in Paris.  This wasn’t a repeat of the French Revolution, since in this case, very few people were harmed, fewer than a thousand French dead.  Oh, and up to 20,000 communists, but they don’t count.  It also proves that the only war the French can win is against other French people.

The big reason that I’m writing about the Franco-Prussian War is that illuminates several things that are still important or true in 2023:

1. Governments have and still create wars to keep themselves in power.
2. The French are awful at war.
3. One big loss can destabilize an entire country if the people are demoralized.
4. I guess there’s a reason the French don’t drink water.
5. People fight harder when they have ownership, even if what they’re fighting for isn’t worth it.
6. I don’t have nearly enough storage food.
7. Commies always either gravitate to, or are made by cities. Another good reason to avoid them.

I’ve always loved history.  Perhaps that’s why they ask the question about what’s the difference between a bad* basketball coach and a constipated owl – the coach can shoot but not hit.

 

*He was actually a pretty good basketball coach.