Health and Journalism . . . But You Already Know the Answers

“Listen to what I’m telling you. You go find a doctor. Get me Dr. Kildare. Get me Dr. Livingston. Get me Dr. Frankenstein. Just get me a doctor! Go where the – go where the doctors hang out.” – The Cannonball Run

Eastbound and down . . . .

This week there were some amazing health care headlines:

• Four Year Old Nearly Dies After Trying On Shoes Without Socks
• Kratom Tea Left Teen with Brain Damage
• Fran Drescher talks about Cannabis
• Vanilla Ice Trapped on Quarantine Plane
• New Miracle Cigar and Brandy Diet Found in Winston Churchill’s Notes

Sadly, I only made up one of those headlines.  I’ll leave it to you to guess which one.

But that’s the problem with health news nowadays:  much of it (if not all) is either poorly understood by the journalist, completely useless to the average reader, only news because a celebrity says it, or versions “cat chases dog” – stories of medical occurrences so rare that winning the lottery is more likely than your kid putting a shoe on without a sock and getting sepsis.  Humanity, for most of its existence, didn’t even have crude footwear like Roman sandals, but rather had to make due with inferior shoes like Nikes®.

Most popular news on health could be put in People© magazine or a comic book (but I repeat myself) and it would carry the same sort of impact.  I could even sit and conjure headlines that you’ll be seeing in the next year with what they won’t tell you in parenthesis:

• Cancer Cure Shows Great Promise (In Curing Rats)
• New Diet Pill Reduces Weight by 30% (But Will Turn Your Heart Into Jell-O® Pudding)
• Sleeping Important For Health (Buy Your Boss Still Gets Mad When You Do It At Your Desk)
• Eggs Now Good For You (Because Cholesterol in Eggs Isn’t What’s in Your Veins)
• Mother Upset Because Child Got Really Sick Because of Illness Caught on a Beach (That 10,000,000 Other Kids Didn’t Get)
• Some Game of Thrones® Actress Lost 50 Pounds (Due to Bulimia)

I know that health journalists like these kinds of stories because they have to write 16 stories a week or they’ll be replaced by JOURNOTRON 2000™.  JOURNOTRON 2000™ only consumes half the coffee that the journalist does, and only asks for increased wages once every year, rather than whine about it weekly.  And, what says “Pulitzer Prize©” like being the guy who figures out that Vanilla Ice was stuck on a quarantined plane with a bunch of virus-laden foreigners?  That’s hard-hitting health news that people NEED to see.

But why do people like to read the stories of how new Princess Whatsername® has had warts burned off her forehead since getting married to Prince Gingerhair?  Or how that maybe if they only ate skinless Pacific salmon that they could lose weight and have fewer forehead warts?

Health is funny.  People like to hide from their health.  Heck, people like to hide from the truth.

The truth about health is stunningly simple.

1. Get exercise. Lift weights.
2. Don’t eat too much, especially sugar. ESPECIALLY high fructose corn syrup.
3. Butter is awesome.
4. Don’t drink too much. Just enough to be happy, not enough so that drinking makes you miserable.   “A pleasure too often becomes a punishment.”
5. If you weigh too much, eat less.
6. You probably shouldn’t smoke cigarettes. Cigars are much better for you.
7. Get enough sleep so you feel happy when the alarm goes off.
8. Have a job that’s good enough so you feel happy when the alarm goes off.
9. Deal with your family in such a way that you feel happy when the alarm goes off.
10. Have a goal so you want to get out of bed when the alarm goes off.
11. Be significant. In some way.  Build on that.
12. Be important to someone. Build on that.
13. Belong somewhere. Build on that.
14. Don’t spend so that finances are a stress on your life.
15. Remember to buy yourself something stupid that makes you happy once in a while. (Not too often.)
16. Build a small, elite fighting training center in Southeast Asia and create about 1000 henchmen. Brainwash them into undying loyalty – I mean these guys should jump in front of a bullet to save your life.  You’ll need them when you take over Bangladesh.  Not that I could figure out why you’d want to take over Bangladesh . . .
17. Set your expectations low so that what you expect doesn’t make you mad and disappointed every day.
18. Set your expectations high so that you can achieve more than you ever thought you could.
19. Understand that the last two points disagree. Deal with it.  You have to get by that or you can’t do anything.
20. Vitamins are good, probably. If you have money and can buy them, research them and buy a few.  If you can’t, buy cheap ones like vitamin C.  It can’t hurt you and might help.   I’ll probably do another vitamin post in the near future.
21. Almost anything can be a weapon. If you’re in an unexpected fight, fight for your life.  Be aware of your situation.  Practice something that gives you an edge in self-defense.  Practice it regularly.
22. Don’t get strung out about the normal risks of life. There are 13,000 or so middle schools (grades 6, 7, and 8) in the United States.  So, there are about 60,000 total coaches.  30,000 of them lost this week.  They deal with that.  You should, too.  You won’t win every game.  Some of your risks won’t pay out.
23. You can choose to be a victim or not. Make a decision.  Choice is yours.  But if you leave yourself in a position to be a victim?  Remember, you chose it.

But, strangely, these twenty-three points don’t make headlines.  Why?  I didn’t have to tell them to you.  You knew them already.

So do them.

Or don’t.  But don’t tell me you don’t know them.  You know, every morning, if you’re doing them or not.

Does anyone have a good contact in Southeast Asia for a henchmen training service?

Asking for a friend.