It Came From 1982

“The Alan Parsons Project is a progressive rock band in 1982. Why don’t you just name it ‘Operation Wang-Chung’?” – Austin Powers:  The Spy Who Shagged Me

A hipster asked me if I liked Indy films, “Sure, I loved The Last Crusade.”

The last time I did a movie list, I did a list based on an entire decade:  the 1990s.  It was an interesting list, but Aesop made a comment I’ll paraphrase because I’m too lazy to look it up to get the exact quote:  “If you did the 1980s, you’d break the Internet.”

And he’s right.  The 1980s were, very clearly, a much better decade for movies than any decade since.  Before?  Probably.  There are great movies before and after the 1980s, but I think this was peak movie.

Why?  In the 1980s it was very much Reagan’s country:  “It is morning in America.”  People were starting to feel optimistic after the recession, and people were starting to feel proud again.  The movies of the period reflect that.  Also, Hollywood® was able to experiment – it didn’t have to get a blockbuster because it invested $600,000,000 in a movie.  No, it could do stupid, cheap movies.  It could do daring movies.  And that let it do exceptional movies.  I’m picking 1982, because, like Aesop warned:  I don’t want to break the Internet.

Why 1982?  Because when I got into the hot tub tonight to smoke a nice Rocky Patel Decade Toro cigar and prepare to write, a video about my favorite movie from 1982 showed up.  The following are a list of eighteen movies from 1982 that were better than most movies that show up today.  For the most part, they’re in alphabetical order because, again, I’m too lazy to rank them.

But number one for me from 1982 has got to be:

The Thing.

But at least they’ll have lots of pasta to eat down there:  penguine.

I had always loved John W. Campbell’s work, and The Thing is one of his best films.  No, it doesn’t pass the Bechdel Test where it has women talking to each other.  There are no women in the movie.  At all.  And it kicks ass, so I’m beginning to think the Bechdel Test shows me what movies will suck.

The film featured all practical effects – and that made them more visceral, in some cases literally.  Kurt Russell in a beard losing a chess game against a computer and then tossing scotch into the computer from his nearly infinite supply of J&B®.  And the result?  One of the best action/horror/science fiction movies.  Ever.  It was considered a flop at the time, and now is considered one of the best movies of all time.

See?  That’s why I love the 1980s.

The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.  Burt Reynolds.  Singing about whores, in a movie about LaGrange, Texas, which if I believed ZZ Top®, is just filled with whores.  With Dolly Parton?  No, there’s nothing particularly good about this, but, someone in Hollywood thought it was a good idea.

Blade Runner.  Stark.  Grungy.  Set a few years ago.  Everyone was sweaty.  Also?  Everyone likes this movie more than I do – probably my least favorite Philip K. Dick movie.  Bonus?  I had a girlfriend who I convinced that she was actually a robot.  Dick move?  No, a Philip K. Dick move.

This movie begs the question:  did they have blow driers in ninja school?

The Challenge.  Scott Glenn and Toshiro Mifune in a movie about an American who fights ninja-style with office supplies, and, no, I’m not making that up.  Utterly awesome.  I believe I am the only person on the continent who liked this movie.

Conan the Barbarian.  You’ve all seen it.  I had read Conan stories before I saw the movie – I was not particularly impressed, but I had to mention this movie.  It featured Arnold after he learned to read, but before he learned to act.

Eating Raoul.  The best movie about cannibalistic infidelity for profit I’ve seen.  It’s also the only movie about cannibalistic infidelity for profit I’ve ever seen.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High.  Little needs to be said about this classic – carrot eating would never be the same in the cafeteria again in 1982.  Plus?  Sammy Hagar jamming.

Doesn’t anyone knock?

Firefox.  Clint Eastwood stealing Soviet jets because he could think in Russian.  Special effects don’t hold up, but still fun.

First Blood.  Sly making the best Rambo movie before they started to get silly.

Night Shift.  There are some actors that should stick to comedy.  It may not be a popular opinion, but I think Michael Keaton is one of them.  What is it about 1982 and whores?  This movie has the lighthearted subject of a morgue turning into a brothel.

An Officer and a Gentleman.  It’s like Top Gun, but no flying.  Why would you watch this movie?  Because you have nowhere else to go.

Poltergeist.  The movie that led to making it a law that if you moved a cemetery for a housing development, that you had to movie the bodies, too.  Go to the light, Carol Anne!

What do Italian ghosts eat?  Spooketti.

Porky’s.  This movie was a series of sketches combined with bad jokes and nudity, and those are the redeeming bits.  Gets bad when the plot gets in the way.  Paging Michael Hunt.

Rocky III.  Sly was busy in 1982.  But this movie was a good sequel, and probably better than you remember.

Silent Rage.  A Chuck Norris movie.  It’s not a great movie, but it’s an awesome movie.  I know that makes no sense, but neither does this movie.  It’s really my favorite Chuck Norris movie – science fiction with karate.

Yup, sittin’ around without a shirt and with my cowboy hat on.  Ahhh, 1982, we miss you.

Star Trek II:  The Wrath of Khan.  This is the sequel that saved Star Trek.  Star Trek the Motion Picture was a dud.  This was not.  It was the best Star Trek movie, ever.  It had the joy and exuberance of the best of Star Trek TOS, plus a worthy villain and a chess game in space combat.  There has been no Star Trek after this that has been nearly as good, and probably few before this.

Tootsie.  The Mrs. loves this movie.  Me?  Once was enough.  Bill Murray was my favorite part of this one.

The World According to Garp.  This was the best Robin Williams movie, period.  I read the novel, and this was a movie that could never, ever be made today.

Young Doctors in Love.  Excellent movie that’s nearly unavailable today.  Also, taught me how to easily test for diabetes.

Yup, that’s just one year in the 1980s, picked nearly at random.

Good times.

Author: John

Nobel-Prize Winning, MacArthur Genius Grant Near Recipient writing to you regularly about Fitness, Wealth, and Wisdom - How to be happy and how to be healthy. Oh, and rich.

49 thoughts on “It Came From 1982”

  2. I’m with ya on a few of these. I didn’t see them all, but a lot of them. The first one that caught my eye along with your commentary was ‘Fast Times’ (At Ridgemont High). Phoebe Cates back then, OMG, Hagar too, but in a totally different connotation. That movie is literally a cult movie. I don’t know what year a few of the other movies I liked so much was released in the 80s, but there are more; and you’re right. That was a great decade. I may come back later, but yes this was a very good year.

    1. Another movie from the following year that although aimed at the teen crowd, was also quite a favorite of a lot of people. Valley Girl, 1983. My girlfriend at the time was far more than jealous of Deborah Foreman in that movie. Someone I’d not even have been able to get close to back then. She was like that about any celebrity that I might make a comment about. We all grow up at some point.

  3. 1981 for Escape From New York, Excalibur, Clash of the Titans, Das Boot, Mad Max II Road Warriors. Some may not be 1981, but yes the 1980’s were golden for movie as the Long March to the abomination of desolation wasn’t that far along.
    Where Eagles Dare is the first movie I watched alone as a child when cable was cool and it still rocks to this day.

    PS-These aren’t your fathers Bolsheviks in the Big Steal Coup and they aren’t scary.
    They bleed and get hungry just like you do and they have to lay their heads down at night somewhere and brush their choppers in the morning while the coffee gurgles.
    The best lingerie from the J. Edgar Hoover collection isn’t bulletproof.
    Plan accordingly.

  5. “Silent Rage….vs. a bionic killer machine.”

    Looking at the supporting cast, I’d hazard the guess that “Flounder” wasn’t the bionic killing machine.

  6. Good list. I miss some things from the 80’s. I’m embarrassed that I have not seen all of theses. I’ll have to fix that soon.

  7. Looks to me like what got picked at random was not the year of 1982 but instead your list of movies itself. 🙂

    What about E.T. (inventing the cellphone!) ? Annie (It’s a hard knock life!)? Paradise (Phoebe Cates’ follow-on to Fast Times, and back in 1982 I could not get enough of Phoebe) Gandi (oh, the un-woke irony of Ben Kingsley in this role!)? 48 Hours (Nolte and Murphy buddy cops!)? The King of Comedy (de Niro and Jerry Lewis!)? Sophie’s Choice (I remember crying at this one)? Pink Floyd’s The Wall?
    TRON (CGI invades Disney!) ? The Dark Crystal (Puppets Invade Disney!)? The Secret of NIMH (the last gasp of traditional cel-based animation)? The Beastmaster (Tanya never looked better in skins!) ? Cat People (who doesn’t like sex leopards?) ? Victor/Victoria (Berlin shows us some things never change)? The Year of Living Dangerously (Sigourney does drama as well as horror and comedy)? Swamp Thing (Adrienne Barbeau’s masterpiece – and she was the computer voice in The Thing, too!), The Verdict (Paul Newman can swig liquor like he can eat eggs!), The Man From Snowy River (Beginning of the Australian craze that continued with Dundee and Quigley) , Diner (Boyz to Men!) ?

    And that’s not even getting into the sequels…

    I was a big movie buff back in 1982 and actually saw the vast majority of these first run. My first wife and I were still on pretty good terms, and date nite was still a date.

    Aesop is absolutely right about 1980s movies. They don’t make ’em like they used too.

    1. I just checked the Wikipedia article for the 55th Academy Awards covering the 1982 movies. Gandhi won eight Academy Awards including best picture and actor. ET won four. I had also forgotten the two AWESOME must-see foreign films from 1982: Quest for Fire from France and Das Boot from Germany….

      Meryl Streep won Best Actress for Sophie’s Choice, her brilliant career showcase. I still remember even today the scene where she goes through the gate, as striking as Dorothy going from black-and-white to color in the Wizard of Oz. That is a movie everybody should see once. I’m not sure anybody would want to see it twice. If you’ve never seen it or know nothing about it, go in spoiler free. It is an emotionally devastating movie.

      1. I saw Quest for Fire – interesting idea to make a movie without any language known to man. Das Boot is good, but though released then didn’t get wide play until later . . .

        1. I’m trying to remember if I saw Quest For Fire. I just watched a short trailer on YouTube, but that wasn’t enough. The movie I’m thinking of was a caveman movie like that with nudity and even some sex scenes. Pretty boring in a way. But I doubt they’ll show enough for free on YouTube for me to know for sure. I did see Das Boot. Pretty good movie.

      1. I’m one of those weirdos (nope, not that kind 😉) who ever saw E.T. and had and still have zero interest in seeing it. Everyone seems shocked that I never saw that, but nope.

  8. Good list of entertaining movies. It was a very good year for me.

    Was the year I met the Mrs in May 82. Both of us were stationed at Beale AFB, but I was in tankers, and she was in the U-2 Squadron (worked in opposite side of the same massive building). Had to go all the way to RAF Mildenhall to meet her. Needless to say, the initial meeting did not go well as a bunch of rowdy Boom Operators invaded her table at the NCO Club (one of our guys knew one of the women sitting at the table and invited us to join them). Still can’t believe she ended up picking me. So far, we have been able to coexist with our type A personalities for 40 years.

    Thanks for reactivating some very good memories from that year.

  9. Glad Ricky pointed out the film adaptation of “The Wall.” I have an extremely low tolerance for musicals, but that one’s a classic.

    1. Again, the worst date movie ever. Ever try to make out while a guy is cutting himself shaving his chest?

  10. Maintaining my Luddite cred here with utter bewilderment for those numerous movie references. In 1982 I was too busy getting shotgun-wedded and struggling to achieve liftoff as a newly-minted adult/husband/father/wage slave barely out of my teens to spend any time at all in the theater. I read Garp and just about everything else by John Irving back in the day, but I’ve yet to see any of the movies on your list other than ‘Tootsie’ (Not sure how that one came to pass, but I can assure you it won’t come to pass again). No, not even Conan the Barbarian, although I am certainly familiar with that famous made-for-memes line about the sublime joys of crushing one’s enemies despite then having to endure the nattering of their women.

    My ADHD won’t let me sit still long enough to last through a movie, any movie, from any era, golden or otherwise. And I am pretty sure that nothing made since the turn of the century would appeal to me, given my severe allergy to ‘woke’. I do appreciate reading pithy, witty tl;dr’s, however. One more reason to swing by Wilder’s World on my merry travels through Internetland.

    1. TBC: “My ADHD won’t let me sit still long enough” The pause button is your friend. Post covid-whatever I have the attention span of a gnat…

      1. Gnats have been known to complain about my short attention span here at Chateau TBC. Before the opening credits have run their course I am rooting through the pantry for snacks and pouring myself a second round of single malt. After that, of course, it’s off to the races.

        Pause button? What is this ‘pause button’ of which you speak? I see no ‘pause button’ on my flip phone/Alexa/Nest/Garmin/Sony Walkman/Betamax/8-track/Victrola/…

  11. You are precisely right John – the 1980’s were a magical time (for many reasons). I do think there was an era of hopefulness, especially after the woeful presidency of Carter, Star Wars had changed the way movies were made (and the expectations of them), and CGI was just beginning to be a thing to be experimented with.

    TRON remains one of my all time favorite movies, for the concept (life in a video game when you were playing video games was a pretty heady thought indeed), the execution (Neon. Neon everywhere) and the concept of creating technology which might in the end not be the best idea for humanity (years, I might add, before Jurassic Park came out). It is a bit clunky to watch now given almost 40 years of computer advances, but I still love it.

    Conan The Barbarian – I am long time fan of Robert E. Howard and this is one of the movies I say when it first came out (unusual, in light of the contents). Sadly, it did not age particularly well (although I would argue it is still stronger than the remake). Sadly, given the state of the world, there will likely never be a reboot for any number of reasons (Hint to the people that made Conan V 2.0, the same group that managed to hack up John Carter: You have perfectly good plots and stories available to you. How hard can it be just to use the material you have available?).

    Fast Times at Ridgemont High – One of the most memorable soundtracks from an ’80’s movies. Others I would include in that category are Pretty in Pink and The Breakfast Club.

    1. See, I liked the second Conan movie more. Ahhhnold was finally starting to learn how to act . . . .

  12. You can’t explain to kids now what was lost and what they missed. Those were such magical times, if only we understood that at the time.

    1. Oh, I did. I still remember the smell of main street on a summer night as we cruised. Good times.

  13. Conan – great memories! My Ranger buddy and I drove up to Seattle when it opened to a nearly empty theater. We split a fifth of Jack Daniels during the show and shared quotes from the movie together for years thereafter. That was back when movie theaters had ashtrays too! Good times …

    1. “The Final Option” Holy shit, I thought I was the only person to see that movie! Great action scenes – The final sequence when they sweep the embassy was fantastic – and my first introduction to the SAS! “Cat People” was a bit of a shock, I remember looking through the cable movie guide for that particular day and found that, along with a description that said “Nudity and strong sexual content”. Being a horny thirteen year old I figured that this would be great, then I see some schlub get his arm ripped off by a panther and blood going everywhere and I’m thinking “Where are the titties!?!
      I couldn’t agree more with your assessment of Star Trek II! We saw it opening weekend with a group of friends – one of whom was celebrating his birthday – and what a great time! Although the girls screamed during the scene where the baby Ceti Eels crawled inside Terrell and Chekhov’s ears, which caused a ringing in my ears for the following twenty minutes. Great times man! And yes, the 1980’s would break the internet! I could live with that.

      This is true main reason why the elites have such a visceral hatred of the 80’s – it’s because it was in so many ways a MASCULINE decade! I wanted to be Captain Peter Skellen! (The Final Option) NOBODY wanted to be Peter Jennings!

      1. Euan Lloyd’s penultimate hurrah. (The less said about Wild Geese II, the better.)
        The entire Final Option movie was just build-up for the last 15 minutes.

        He also brought you greats like The Wild Geese, and Sea Wolves.

    2. The Man From Snowy River is one I just watched last year for the first time. Missed it before.

      Haven’t seen The Final Option . . .

  16. It wasn’t 1982, but I’ll see your The Challenge. … I believe I am the only person on the continent who liked this movie and just say I may be the only person who liked Howard the Duck.

  17. As a “child of the 80’s”, graduated high school in 84 followed by 6 years of college… I was going to the movies two nights a week. Awesome times. Sex wouldn’t kill you or permanently impair you, if you were into it d r ugs were plentiful and cheap, drinking age was 18 in most places and no one cared if a 16yo drank, full drivers license at 16, arcades full of smoke and games that didn’t suck, no MADD pushing for illegal stop and searches, crazy high horsepower in vehicles that could mostly handle it, and $5 would fill your tank for a night of cruising… AM radio still played music, and FM would play a whole album at once on a Friday night.

    The economy was booming, optimism was high, and people were doing better every year. The wall came down, the great threat was diminished. Greed was good, and Richard Pryor was a KING. It was a GREAT time to come of age.

    Moviemakers even had a category aimed at us, the “teen sex comedy”. Lots of full frontal for the teen boys in the audience. (in fact, looking for fun movies to share with my kids, that’s one thing to deal with, there were ALWAYS t its in those movies. )

    I rode my bike for miles, no one was supervised or spied on by their personal electronics, and no one took pictures of the stupid sh!t we did.

    Good times. And good movies.

    nick

    –and don’t discount the impact of VHS and video rental places. So many people saw so many more movies, and there was an alternative income stream for the movie if it didn’t do well in theaters, or the timing of the initial release was unfortunate. Lots of movies did better in rental than in theatrical, iirc, and those movies are STILL earning for their makers.

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