Liveblogging: The Debate At The End Of The Universe

“To cover some hot news?  Like the Lincoln-Douglas debates?” – Kolchak, the Night Stalker

I have a lot of experience with debate – I use debate to catch defish.

This is the post where we’ll do the liveblogging in the comments tomorrow.  I know there are probably some technically better ways to do it, but I’m going this way because everyone already knows how to get here and how to hit the refresh button on your browser.  Clumsy as a pit bull doing brain surgery?  Sure.  But that’s politics.

This will be the last debate for both Joe Biden and Donald Trump.  That’s not as bold a prediction as it might sound at first.

Donald will either retire after his next term (most likely), declare himself emperor (second most likely) so he’s done.  But if he declares himself emperor, imagine the reign of Trump Barron the First, as he annexes first Canada in Operation Leafblower, then Mexico in Operation Tequila Shooter, and finally Europe.  There won’t need to be an actual military action to take over Europe, they’ll just send over six Texans with varmint rifles to handle the light work.  As long as the Texans speak the national language of Europe, Arabic, it’ll be easy.

I’m sure this was what the Resistance was fighting for, n’est-ce pas?  (used with permission)

In this timeline, we all rise and salute the birth of the American Empire where there is a burger in every mouth, and riding mowers for every butt.  But there is another timeline.

Joe Biden is obviously still good at reading things if he’s had his Ovaltine® and seven straight days in a hyperbaric Tupperware™ container.  Since there won’t be a teleprompter at this debate, he’ll have to make due with radio signals.  If Joe wins, however, there is zero, and I mean zero probability that he will be able to finish a term as president without being removed from office because he lost every memory that occurred after that time his grandpa made him a scooter by nailing rollerskates to planks during the War of 1812.

Biden is gone, mentally.  If Biden is elected, I’m expecting that President Harris will take over by, oh, February.  She and Vice President Amy Schumer will then begin the exhausting task of attempting to subvert everything that produced prosperity in America.  I predict they’ll start by introducing a strict set of regulations governing how food in breakroom refrigerators is treated, even though Antifa® will by this time have conquered Sesame Street® and have declared it a sovereign nation, with focus on the letter ‘C’, the number ‘1917’ and the month of ‘October’.

Joe Biden finished a Sesame Street puzzle in only six hours.  He was proud.  On the box it said three to five years!

In a rare scoop for this website, I have obtained internal Biden-Harris campaign emails discussing the response to the ongoing Chinese Water Torture® release of ever more damning information about the Biden family.

From:  Joe Biden
Date:  October 16, 2020
To:  Jennifer Dillon (Campaign Manager for Joe Biden – J.W.)
Subject:  Hunter’s Sex Drive

Melanie.  I mean Susan.  How do I switch this thing over to Showtime®?

Can I get some of those hard candies?  The yellow ones.  The peppermint ones make my eyes ache, which makes it hard to read the helicopter.  Butterstache are my favorite.

Did I hear someone say that Hunter’s sex drives have been found?  There were people yelling that as I was, well, I’m not sure what I was doing.  But why is everyone worried about Hunter’s sex drives?  Wasn’t him knocking up a stripper proof enough, you dog faced pony soldier?  The man’s got plenty of sex drives.

 

From:  Jennifer Dillon
Date:  October 16, 2020
To:  Joe Biden
Subject:  Re:  Hunter’s Sex Drives

Boss,

No, what they found were hard drives from Hunter’s old computers.  It seems that he took laptops from the Beau Biden Foundation (the place where we launder get money from Soros and the Clintons) and then used them for Facebook® and porn surfing.  I think he liked Netflix™, too, but it seems that he’s using your login information.  At least I hope that’s the case, and that it wasn’t you watching Cuties every night since it came out.

All we can piece together is that, incredibly high on crack, Hunter couldn’t figure out why the computers weren’t working.  The fact that he hadn’t charged them in a month was a mystery to his drug-addled brain – he kept getting new computers and using them and then, assuming they were broken, took them all in to get repaired.

He had no idea, zero, of where he took them.  Did you know he was sniffing model airplane glue again?

Looks like he did give the repair place his password, “BIDEnROX69DUDE.”

 

From:  Joe Biden
Date:  October 17, 2020
To:  Jennifer Dillon
Subject:  Re: Re: Hunter’s Sex Drives

Oh.  The n doesn’t look right.  Is that how they spell now?

I’m glad he’s making models again.  Spent enough money on that kid’s model making hobby when he was a kid to buy a Syrian child.  Funny, Hunter said he just needed the glue – he said he could make his own kit.  He was dedicated – making models until he was thirty-five!

Where are my pants?  Has anyone seen that Filipino kid?  The one who smells like jasmine in the jungle?  I need someone to rub my feet.

 

From:  Jennifer Dillon
Date:  October 17, 2020
To:  Joe Biden
Subject:  Re: Re: Re: Hunter’s Sex Drives

Boss,

Great news!  I called up our contacts at Twitter®, Google™, and Facebook© and they’ve all agreed to make sure NO ONE sees this story.  It turns out that these emails suggest you took millions of dollars of money from Hunter and then used the power of the United States Government to cover it up!

Our team did a great job on the cover up.  And I think that we can count on places like Snopes®, the New York Times©, and the Washington Post™ to bury this until after Kamala takes over you’re elected president!

We’ll just hide you until the debate.  We’ll practice on Wednesday.  And no walking outside in your bathrobe like last week.

 

From:  Joe Biden
Date:  October 20, 2020
To:  Jennifer Dillon
Subject:  Re: Re: Re: Hunter’s Sex Drives

Just got up.  Man, I feel better.  What was in that blue pill?

The Facebook® is that button on my Blackberry™, right?  I just press it.  Then my snap chats, right?

How did you fix the button on my thingamabob so that it doesn’t talk to me about Hunter’s sex drives?  Did you have to change the floppy drive?

Oh, and if we want to practice debating, we should get Jeffery Toobin in here.  I hear he’s a master debater.

I hear Jeffrey Toobin wrote a romance novel – it was a real tearjerker.

Okay, these aren’t really their emails.  I don’t know about you, but I’d love to see the real emails.  They’re probably higher in actual humor value than these.

See you tonight.  I’ll even drag The Mrs. downstairs for the final debate.

Author: John

Nobel-Prize Winning, MacArthur Genius Grant Near Recipient writing to you regularly about Fitness, Wealth, and Wisdom - How to be happy and how to be healthy. Oh, and rich.

319 thoughts on “Liveblogging: The Debate At The End Of The Universe”

  1. I won’t watch, it makes me break out in hives to even think about the cringe level but since the whole thing is a sham anyway, Trump should answer every single question with a statement about Biden using his crackhead kid to channel kickbacks to his own pocket. I wouldn’t talk about coronavirus or taxes or anything else. Crackhead kid selling influence and access until Biden loses his cool, has an involuntary bowel movement and either stomps off stage or tries to challenge Trump to a duel.

    With under two weeks to go, you should be shopping right now for a worst case election day scenario.

    1. I agree – every other question, regardless of what it is, should be answered with either the Hunter story or listing out Trumps’ accomplishments – most of the Biden supporters, assuming any tune in, won’t have heard of any of them, self-imprisoned as they are in Democrat owned MSM gulags. Totally ignore the opposition shill moderator. In fact I think Trump should have a mic shut off for the moderator.

      1. Hey Lynda!,

        I would play if there was a mic-mute option to insert random voice-overs lifted from early Loony Tunes cartoons featuring Bugs Bunny and Stinky La Pew.

        Lacking that, I suppose we could rent a tank of helium for our voice-overs.
        Are you in?

        1. Oh yeah, how fun would that be, and you know what? I bet the debate would actually impart something meaningful to the voters if the fix wasn’t in.

          BTW anonymous is me, Lynda ha ha

    2. I’ll watch it for you. Hopefully The Mrs. will wake up in time – she’s snoozing with the dogs upstairs.

  2. I’ll be here if it happens. Rumors abound that Biden will drop out today. I don’t think those rumors will come to pass.

    I prepped for last weeks debate and was incredibly sad when it didn’t happen. I was going to throw out, “Does anyone else think Chris Wallace II is on his period?” Everyone was gonna laugh *so hard*.

  3. I just pulled all my money that I had invested in the stock market. The broker asked me, “Why? You’re still young.” I answered his question with a question. I asked him “If he’s being paying attention to whats going on all around him?” I feel a sense of relief.

  4. I just watched the 60 IQ, I mean the 60 Minutes, videos with Trump and Pence. A great debate primer. Leslie Stall’s glass is half-empty, the sky is falling, and she saw someone not wearing a mask. Trump walks out, Pence steps in, and Leslie is forced to question a hostile witness. So good, I almost started Toobin’in. Win or lose in November, there will be no regrets. Our side said what needed to be said. See you tonight!

  6. This debate should be like Rockem Sockem Robots and every time they mute Trump (because you can bet your old used car that they’ll won’t mute Biden…ever) that Trump gets to go and punch either Biden or the Moderator!
    That would be a Great Debate!!😄

    1. Ladieeeees and Gentlemen – tonight, the New York Brawler takes on the Delaware Drooler in a winner take all contest.

  8. In honor of the debate which is apparently going to happen, can we get a firm commitment from our moderator that we will not be blocked, silenced, muted, or punned to death unless we wander past PG-13 territory or say something that isn’t poignant/hilarious?

      1. Arrr! It would be awesome if the debates fell on “Talk like a pirate day.”

        Drink like them too.
        Quaff!

  9. “Due to a malfunction in the microphone cutoff system, President Trump will have to yell as loud as he can to be heard by the rest of the country. To alleviate this technical issue, Vice President Biden will be moved to a back room in the facility and will hold a fireside chat with America, unburdened by any interruptions from President Trump. Thank you for watching.”

    1. Don’t forget that Biden will have the benefit of staff of live fact checkers giving him information via teleprompter! It’s for the good of the country.

      1. Trump has had nearly 4 years taking insults, being maligned, beleaguered and benighted for us; what’s one more night of the same. We elected a scrapper, a fighter, tough as nails and mean as a badger when cornered. Despite the anchor of a corrupt government around his neck and one hand tied behind his back he’s accomplished more than the last 4 presidents combined. He’s anathema to the Swamp Creatures who will leave no dirty trick undone to defeat him. He makes them look like the losers and grifters they are, and they don’t like it one bit. How dare he!

  11. Some people say that network television is awful since The Office went off the air. I guess those are the Dwight Supremacists?

  12. The one common fact about all the commentators telling Trump what he should do in the pregame?

    Never been elected president.

    1. I’m glad the talking heads are wearing masks…I feel much safer and I know that they really care.

  13. Debate prep final checklist…

    Old Raven… check
    Comfy Chair… check
    Family Muted… check
    Stream Check… checking… Bill O’Reilly?! WTH? No! Fail! Abort! Abort!
    Stream Check… Trump Campaign Official Presidential Debate Stream… check
    Final Bathroom Break… I’m not a cuckservative… I’ll hold it for *AMERICA*!!!

    2. C-SPAN livestream. SO is a noob and has awful people talking about useless things before the fireworks begin. I don’t need a hype team! I need hot and cold running whiskey.

  16. Always wondered where my suit jacket from 1994 went. Glad it found a second life on a debate moderator.

    2. >Toobin, a writer for The New Yorker and fixture on CNN, was participating in a role-playing exercise on a Zoom call with his magazine colleagues, wargaming election-night scenarios. Toobin was standing in for the courts when he suddenly felt compelled to badger the witness and accidentally caused his colleagues to witness the badger.

      -K. Williamson

  22. Jim Carey and The Mask will keep everyone safe!
    That’s what Joe means right?

  27. The “muted mike threat” is actually the best thing that might have happened to Trump. He’s obviously practiced driving his insults into two minutes or less. As a cartoonist, I can appreciate that!

    1. Codex said I can’t do that. I’m in enough trouble as it is since I’m enjoying Old Raven right now and she is drawing tomorrow’s comic…

  33. Plexiglass… social distancing… involuntary quarantines… modern American’s have *no idea* of the hell that was Valley Forge.

  34. Biden seems much more lucid than I was expecting, but I guess the night is early yet. Absolutely loved the shots about ‘well you can afford to hide in your basement, you got that money from somewhere’

  36. OK – I’m over the COVID. I may actually have the COVID, but I’m over you two talking about the COVID. NEXT!

    2. No. That’s cheating! You can’t be ‘Anonymous’ while saying that. You could be Hunter Biden for all we know.

  38. Response should be “Stop believing conspiracy theories. Turn my mic off and let this deranged old man rant for the next 12 minutes.”

  39. Over/under that the moderator isn’t wearing a bra? Trump isn’t going to sleep with her regardless, and she’s a little old for Sniffin’ Joe.

    1. I think it’s a neat blouse. The overall look is a little 80s Nancy Reagan meets Murphy Brown, but it’s well-fitting.

      1. She has that “my pronouns should be dot/dude” look. Still, so far, she has acquitted herself as the best moderator of these debates.

    1. Joe’s been in government since before most people in the country were born. How is he not part of the problem?

  47. Grrrr…. Babylon Bee… “With Mic Muted, Trump Corrects Biden With Tweets”

    I’ve failed as a humorist. Covid take me.

  49. “Hunter was offered that job because most Ukrainian companies like former crack addicts that impregnate strippers on the board of directors.”

        1. Debunked and unverified! Snopes said those weren’t Obama Cages, they were Obama Selective Exit Containment Devices.

          3. As a legit subscriber I can say that you are not undocumented. I pass your posts around more than the local puppy crate paper liner News. Yours are sometimes more unwelcome than the puppy deposits because you make us think. The puppy just makes us react.

    1. But, but PedoJoe said the country should be shut down now he says how bad the middle class has it?? What??

      1. And we should be meeting around the kitchen table this morning.

        The Mrs.: Does he think it’s morning?

  52. “Up, not down” – keep saying it. How about steel imports? Up not down?

  56. Oh lawd – never do the high-back shot on Biden’s head.

    Joe – talk to Bob about his wig-maker – dude does great work.

  59. If Biden wins, I’m going to sleep easy over the next four years because every single day could be the very last we have to live under threat of the SMOD. What the heck answer was *that* from Uncle Joe?

  61. Think they kept Joe in a hood to keep the light out like a falcon so he doesn’t know if it’s night or day?

  62. Do we not understand that once the President nominates a justice, the justice is no longer beholden to them? Like he can’t pick up the phone and say, “Amy, kill Obamacare?” FFS – bring back civics education and make journalists the first class. Pass/fail – if you fail, no more 1994 suits or microphones for you.

      1. For the candidates, this is pure Savile Row vs. Brooks Brothers. Hate both ties, love both shirts.

          1. My favorite was always a subtle pattern – Calvin and Hobbes, but you really needed to focus on it to see it. And no pee was involved.

          2. I had one in the cartoon era of X-Men, but it was just outlines. From a distance, you could never tell.

        2. Q has an elegant bespoke dark grey silk tie with a fine silver grey pattern of … sporks.

  64. Host is constantly interrupting Trump, but Both. Go figure.

    Where the debate? Seems to only between Trump and pompous host.

      1. Actually I think she’s been fine (though agree Gropey seems the spare guy in the room) and our President does tend to run long. I keep seeing what looks like Trump trying to get the last word, not a great look even when he’s right.

  66. And his coaches said “ Your name is Joe Biden, Joe Biden. Say anything else but fer gawd sakes remember your name!!”

  67. Biden public care is going to have competition, just how? Being gov, it is just it.

      1. Of all the sad words
        Made by tongue or pen
        The saddest are these:
        “/pol/ was right again”

  74. Sorry, bio break and fighting with the Mrs over the dialog for tomorrow. Sometimes I wish I could write for a normal comic, like Peanuts:

    Red Baron: “Curse you Snoooopy!”
    Snoopy: “Haha! Sopwith Camel go Booooom!”

  76. Biden and 0 saw red and blue states in 2009. They shut down car dealerships in red districts.

    2. I forgot about that. Our downtown has a big hole where the dealer was. They are planning on turning it into low income housing, now that the jobs are gone.

  77. Oh my goodness – is Mexico squalor now? I thought all countries were the same! No need for borders at all!

    1. I started an hour before just in case. Can I skip this? I’d rather remember something from this debate, unlike the last….

    3. Got my Talk from a former cop.

      “Turn the car off. Throw the keys on the dash. Window down, hands on the wheel. If you need to reach for your wallet or into the glovebox, inform the officer before you do and move *slowly*.”

  82. If you are pulled over, put both hands on the wheel and make sure the cop sees that! Race. Doesn’t. Fricken. Matter. And when they ask, “Do you know how fast you were going?” the only answer is “I’m sorry, I’m not sure officer.”

    How is this hard?

        1. Honestly, probably just a PG-13 filter on me saying “sh*t”. It’s fine – I was madder when I wrote it, but thanks for rescuing it anyway.

    1. WordPress: “You are not allowed to make fun of Our Chosen One. You are henceforth BANNED.”

      1. It’s true! I’ve seen some innocuous comments go into moderation because they were in favor of the Right.

  84. Why are we only talking dimocrap talking pines?
    Where’s the Economy, record minority employment, letting folks out of prison, etc?
    Treaties, tariffs, etc.?
    F*ck this format…

  85. C’mon man. I prefer the green jello. Go look it up. My public option is not socialism. That’s malarkey. It is going to be transparent. C’mon.

          1. Pigeons! Even the Incredible RBG has standards…

            Plus, when the Revolution comes you can eat the pigeons.

  91. Tonight’s Trump: “I’m the least racist person in America”.

    Tomorrow’s Trump: “Swastika goes buurrrnnnn.”

        1. Eh…

          Oh you meant at the debate. Sure. I’d do better at the debate, even after a glass of bourbon and while trying to draw those fiddly little word balloony-tail thingies.

          1. From talking mushrooms, Codex! That’s amazing.

            You never did tell me how they do that. Did you train them?

    1. Doesn’t matter – it’s all about providing sound-bites for the morning shows tomorrow.

  96. Yeah, let’s not talk about the giant elephant in the room… civil war. Unbelievable.

    Let’s end the last face to face debate with the Green New Deal.

    1. You’re exactly right – that subject is something 60%+ of Americans think is coming.

      So . . .

      The Green New Deal is a Suicide Pact.

      1. Oh, dude. God is gonna say, “You went thru 2020? You’re forgiven.” But I’m one of those heathen protestants.

        Also, look up ‘Namaan’ in the Bible, whose theology was “I want the holy dirt so I can be saved.”

        Also, ‘hyperbole’ is the currency of the internets. Pass it on.

    1. Not disagreeing except for the “wind kills birds” bit. Solar *should* be further along considering how old the tech is.

    2. YouTube, Google and Facebook are busy blocking and deleting videos of Biden saying he would ban fracking. (I saw 3 videos yesterday)

        1. “When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less.”

          “The question is,” said Alice, “whether you can make words mean so many different things.”

          “The question is,” said Humpty Dumpty, “which is to be master — that’s all.”

          1. Perfect! I was going off memory.

            The last time I was corrected on my Alice In Wonderland?

            William Shatner, on Twitter (not even kidding).

  101. And yet 40yr later, Biden never got around to fixing the crime bill that Biden is saying was so bad!

      1. If you live in a blue state do you have to watch Biden on a Zoom call or something? (Bringing it full circle, though you might need some brain bleach)

        1. I had about 200 words written here and then I remembered the PG-13 rule. Let’s just say it was about Toobin down the Delaware River and leave it at that.

          1. Ha! Huge laugh!

            I had a great rejoinder, but it related to the turbidity of the river. But I won’t go there.

        2. Silly midwesterners. We can see Gov. Inslee’s proclamations streaming down the faces of every mask-proper face as they cavort about the grocery store with glee at their servitude and humiliation. “I’M SAVING HUMANITY” they proclaim, as donut-like icing drips down their faces.

          The sane among us nod silently, buy our whiskey and wine, and retreat to our abodes, waiting patiently for Nov 3 where the “no one could have seen that coming!” awaits…

          1. Well, if Biden wins, who really wins?

            The 11 million first responder illegal immigrant police officers making $6 an hour who Biden wants to defund and make citizens.

  106. Trump failed to prepare for this debate. We know a Democrat Govt will destroy traditional American values and economy, but Trump’s debate performance failed the entire country.
    Trump’s failure is a debacle for the United States.

    1. Well, the moderator did a good job of protecting Biden, and all of the analysis is in the bag for Biden.

      He did better than during his debates against Hilldog.

      I think it was enough. He’ll win.

      1. She did, I think Trump missed a few other opportunities for shots – it was great when he got off a couple in a row and flustered Biden had to stammer through the response. If he’d pressed that more I think we would have gotten some great clips of confused rage.

        Remembering an article from Scott Adams a few years back about framing though – if the undecideds or Biden-leaning folks came into it expecting Trump to bluster and Biden to stay calm, that’s what they saw. It was close enough to let their minds do the rest.

        1. Yet, I’ll say it again – people don’t really want a president who is a passive man. They want a man who will, when appropriate, stand up and fight. Trump is that man.

          Two more hours and Biden would have been a limp rag on the stage. He is not up to being president.

          1. Still don’t understand why Joe pulled his mask out of his pocket and brandished it at the camera, but then didn’t put it on and leave it on for the rest of the debate to show how serious he was about the American people masking up to save our citizens. “Look, all you have to do is carry this piece of cloth around, and everything will be fine!”

  107. Solar actually screws up the system. The power output swiings up and down based on time of day and clouds. Solar forces requirements for 50% more gas turbine generators to handle the fluctuations. Energy storage is expensive and hard to implement at reasonable costs. That is why California has rolling blackouts.

      1. Or tidal, if you’re near tides. Batteries no matter what, and that’s all sorts of heavy and rare-earth metals.

        1. Yup. I liked OTEC, which could work, too. Just a lot of investment. Thankfully it would make power forever.

      2. Agreed on thorium. Can’t make a bomb and it’s plentiful. New reactor designs are inherently safe

    2. Honestly, I thought that was a pretty cool fashion choice. They really did mesh together well! I liked Melania’s “All you need to see are my eyes, hair, and body” black look too, but the floral pattern mask really drove home the “I’ll knock all of them out at the nursing home!”

  110. Somebody pass poor Mr. C. a drink. We left “debacle for the United States in the rearview mirror years ago.

    Honk Honk

    1. That would be so much fun! Or possibly depressing. Probably drunk return watching is in order.

      Red! No wait!
      Blue!
      Orrrr red?
      Tell ya in 3 days.
      Then, riots!

      I don’t think there is enough wine in the house for that.

        1. Like you didn’t stay up until 2AM 4 years ago. I know it don’t thrill you, I hope it don’t kill you.

      1. Um, yes! The prospects of facing election night amongst frens at “Cozy Pond FrogGang” vs here is daunting. Although, if you aren’t on Gab, the ‘Cozy Pond FrogGang’ group are awesome. Also ‘Aesthetics’ and ‘Rural Life’ and a bunch of other groups. Just be a grown-up and block or ignore the “It’s the Jooooooooooooooooos” and swastika-panty crowd. Even though they are mostly hysterical.

        1. May I interest you and your non-“itsjoooos” frens in a matrix room I have already set up?

  112. If your gloomy, bikini-clad forecasts are anywhere near true, how can we not?

  113. I watched it. IMHO: A solid win for Biden because he came across as competent. Both of them were (and are) dog face pony soldier liars. This debate overall will not sway or induce change in a single voter. And America is totally screwed when such abominable candidates are fielded in the first place by the RNC and DNC.

    Forget “the laptop”, let’s look at the facts:

    https://www.baldingsworld.com/2020/10/22/report-on-biden-activities-with-china/

    https://www.baldingsworld.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/KVBJHB.pdf

  114. Why is Hidden pushing for $15/hr when he is importing cheap foreigner labor? Make up your mind, do you want expensive labor or cheap help?

    1. He doesn’t want to answer both sides of that question – workers know the real answer – cheap help.

      But they want that $15 . . . hmm.

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