Procrastination and Learning How to Finish Thi

“He’s finishing his senior thesis.  Pigman is trying to prove the Caine-Hackman theory.  No matter what time it is, 24 hours a day, you can find a Michael Caine or Gene Hackman movie playing on TV.” – PCU

My solution when I hit a writer’s block on my thesis was to just do something else for three years.

The Mrs. and I both have master’s degrees, but the way that we went about getting them was different for each of us.  I finished my master’s before she and I met.  The Mrs. finished hers while preggers with The Boy after we’d been married a few years.  When The Mrs. went to grad school, she wrote, finished, and defended her thesis (A Comparative Study in Restraint and Self-Control:  How I Avoid Strangling John Wilder) before she was even finished with her coursework.  I was astonished.  Before we had met, I had finished my master’s degree.  But mine went something like this:

• Year one – do courses.
• Year two – do courses. Finish courses.
• Year three – get a job.
• Year four – write, finish, defend thesis.

Yeah.  The stupid way to do it.

But getting a master’s degree was an easy decision.  Both of us had our grad school tuition and a salary paid for by being graduate assistants.  The education was free, heck, being a graduate assistant paid more than most adjunct professors make today.

What, exactly does a graduate assistant do?  One day my friends and I (when we were undergraduates) were drinking and watching a documentary of a scientist who was determining how fish swim.  Yes, your tax dollars paid for this study.  Anyway, the fish was placed in a tank with a grid, and a high speed camera was suspended over the tank.  But they put the fish in the tank and it . . . didn’t swim.

Solution?  They put an electrode up the fish’s butt and shocked it to make it swim on command.  I swear I’m not making this up.  My friends and l laughed – who, exactly had the job of inserting the electrode?  Our conclusion:  graduate assistants.  Eventually we concocted scenarios where we would apply for funding and study the way that graduate assistants exited swimming pools filled with alligators when dropped in.  The funding would include all the important aspects of science – gin, a swimming pool, and appropriate patio furniture.  Oh, and graduate assistants.

The Mrs.’ degree involved no fishes, electrodes, alligators or even liquor (she was preggers) – in fact she taught freshmen undergraduates, which might be even less fun than the whole “inserting an electrode up a fish butt thing.”  But in my case I got a job before finishing my thesis.  As a result, I ended up having to keep registering part time for two more years until my thesis (Thermodynamic and Structural Analysis of PEZ®-Based Building Components For Use in Containing a Robotic Elvis®) was complete.  My employer didn’t really care when or even if I finished my master’s, so it was all on me.

Thanks to 173dVietVet for rare historical pictures of Robot Elvis after he broke free from the PEZ® containment structure.

So I procrastinated in finishing my thesis – I had a day job, money was coming in, and nobody cared.  Except me.  Eventually I just started writing the thesis one late night.  After finally completing it, defending it, and having my degree awarded, I ended up burning every paper, note, copy, and floppy disc associated with the thesis.  It felt good.  Really good.  I put the pages on the fire one at a time.

But why did burning the thesis feel so good?  I was done.  Complete.  Finished.  And I had done it only for me.  And it was a good way to get rid of the evidence.

I may have made some mistakes in my thesis.  Minor ones.

This is the same reason it feels good to finish my taxes every year on April 14^th:  I am ending my procrastination with success even though I can’t just burn it when I’m done.  I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who procrastinates on doing their taxes, or even on tasks that are much easier.  I’m not late doing most things (like my thesis), I’m on time.  Just on time.

So why do we do it?  By “we” I mean the 20% of people who procrastinate.  As near as I can tell, there are several answers.

One person I worked with, Willie, procrastinated at work because he was bored.  He is one of the most intelligent and creative people I’ve ever known, and as such, generally lived his own life on his own terms – one time he experimented with not wearing shoes around the office.

That idea went about as well as you might expect.

While we were co-workers I’d noticed a pattern with Willie.  He’d spend time at work fairly frivolously, goofing around within the limits of what was acceptable.  Breaking his computer by deleting files and fixing it, that sort of thing – it looks like you’re working even when you’re just playing.

Then out of the blue, he’d work nearly nonstop at a furious pace on real, actual work.

John Wilder:  “Why do you do that, Willie?”

“I guess I’m bored.  I like to wait until I don’t think I’ll have enough time to get the work done before the deadline, and then I’ll do it all at once.”  Willie was seeking the thrill of the deadline, and the challenge of performing the work.  Wasn’t the work itself challenging?  No, not for Willie.

My thesis advisor was encouraging. 

Willie’s strategy has merit.  I say this because I’ve done it, too.  I also noticed a pattern:  80% of the work I was assigned (Pareto and the 80/20 Rule Explain Wealth) wasn’t important, and would get cancelled prior to the deadline.  Willie noticed this, too.  Most things our bosses wanted us to do (in a professional role) just aren’t important and if we didn’t do them, no one cares because the work wasn’t important.  I’ve generally found that the higher up in the organization that the work originated, the less important the work is.

To compound the problem, most middle managers have no idea which things are important, or even why something is important.  Often it’s a case where the CEO wants coffee and the middle managers begin a strategy to buy South America.  Thankfully the CEO didn’t ask for Belgian waffles – they’ve been invaded enough in the last 100 years and I think the Germans already have it reserved for the next time they decide to invade France.

Procrastination in this case above produces two good things:

• Time to Goof Around
• Working Only on Things That Matter

My thesis clearly doesn’t fall into this case.  I know that procrastination pays off now while work on my thesis pays off later, but the net goofing around in my life is the same so that doesn’t help me – it just makes life more painful for future John.  And the thesis clearly matters if I want to get my master’s degree.

What else could cause the procrastination?  Some people avoid doing things because they fear failure.  Some avoid it because they fear success.  I’m not immune to this – as this blog got some big hits one day last year after a post was featured on The Woodpile Report (it’s here), I know that I felt a slight bit of apprehension.  “Crap.  People are actually reading this now.  That’s responsibility.”  But my thesis didn’t fall into that category, either.  I wasn’t going to be more or less successful.  Not one of my employers has cared since I got it.  Not a single employer.

It was for me.

I did get tired of people asking me about my thesis.  Maybe I was a little touchy.

Other people just think too hard about the plan of action – there’s just too much data.  I have been in job situations where there’s so very much work to do that I’ve felt overwhelmed.  And when you feel overwhelmed, sometimes you just stare blankly at the desk while the 200 items you have to do today roam around in your mind like Germans in Belgium.  What’s always helped me in those moments was to write a list and start doing something.  Anything.  Generally in an hour or less it’s sorted out.  In rare occasions it’s 45 straight 12-hour days.  But forceful action in a state of confusion, even if it’s not the right action, is better than inaction.

Sometimes there’s too much information – there are too many factors and the logic portion of the brain is overloaded and it’s hard to make a decision.  The Boy is having that problem now.  He’s narrowed his college choices down to two.  If I were to make an analogy, it would be like having the opportunity to have a nearly free red Camry® or a nearly free blue Camry™.  Yes, they’re both the same car.  But to The Boy it’s the biggest decision he’s yet made.  Or, the biggest decision he’s going to make this year, whenever he gets around to it – which had better be in the next two weeks.

My thesis didn’t fit in those categories, either.  I knew (more or less) exactly what I needed to do.

Maybe in hindsight my thesis wasn’t that great.

But I’ve had zero negative health consequences from (not yet) doing my taxes.  And none of the explanations above are why I haven’t yet done my taxes, or I procrastinated in doing my thesis.  The answer is far simpler.

I’m lazy.

But I have the patience to wait for that grant money for the liquor, alligators, pool, patio furniture and graduate assistants.  That would be a thesis I could be proud of!