“I believe in cutting useless government projects. I also believe in cutting useful projects, future projects, and past projects.” – Parks and Recreation
People in my town are tired of useless projects. They even put up signs that say “End Construction”.
I know that Project 2025® got a really bad reputation during the election. At every point, Democrats and their GloboLeftElite tried to convince voters that Trump was going to implement Project 2025™. Well, he isn’t going to implement Project 2025©.
Instead, President Trump secretly called me through the voices in my dreams and told me, “John Wilder, after we win bigly, and want to bring to the people Project 2026. See? It’s one better already. It will be such a good program, precisely because I’m looking to you to write it for me. And, also, if you look behind you, you’ll see your cat is melting into a puddle of butter. Very disgusting. You should fix that.”
If I steal a rich man’s dinner rolls, is that highfalutin gluten lootin?
When I woke up, I immediately got to work. So, here, without further introduction is Trump’s Project 2026®™©. It’s the best.
Project 2026 is magnanimous in our inevitable victory. As such, we decree the following for the GloboLeftists who have been left a shattered shell of their former selves:
- First, to our opponent, Kamala Harris, Project 2026 hereby grants you an unlimited supply of cocaine, box wine, and pantyhose.
- To our dedicated GloboLeftist opponents, Project 2026 grants exclusive access to a portion of the Internet that has been cleansed of all ideas that you might find disturbing or triggering. Thankfully, it has already been created and is called “Reddit™”.
- Don’t despair. Project 2026 will commit to a peaceful transfer of power back to the GloboLeftElite sometime after the Sun expands to consume the orbit of the Earth.
- You are not required to call Donald Trump “president”. He doesn’t care what you think. You are, however, required to have his picture on your bedside table and publicly praise him during the daily Trump Praise Minute. While optional, your tears will make Trump stronger.
- Finally, to the rank and file, you are welcome to live in either Portland or Seattle. I hear Puget Sound is lovely. The train cars will be available shortly for quick and easy carbon-friendly transport.
But if she and Hillary team up for 2028, we could have Cackles and Cankles.
Project 2026 believes that sports are a healthy aspiration for every American. As such:
- Football players will now be treated like indentured servants again. Free agency is hereby forever suspended, and athletes will be required to live in the cities they play in and will be paid no more than $23.45 an hour. After their sports career is finished, successful athletes will be allowed to sell used automobiles.
- Trans females will now be known as “dudes” and will be allowed to compete in female leagues, made of other dudes.
The Economy will be a priority, and Project 2026 put Elon Musk and Ron Paul in charge of managing it. Our working title for this is the Elonomy.
- Imports from the Free Mars Colony will be tariff-free.
- The five-dollar footlong will return.
- The Federal Reserve© Board will be forced to work shifts at Wendy’s®.
If you work at the Federal Reserve®, are you required to drive a Fiat™?
Project 2026 realizes the immense hardship that illegal aliens have wrought on our nation. As such, we will act quickly to fix these issues.
- Birthright citizenship is ended, retroactively, by Project 2026. Barack Obama will be sent either to Cuba or the newly-formed People’s Republic of Hawaii.
- The Department of Exmigration will be officially formed, and every celebrity who posted that they will be leaving the country will be leaving the country. By Wednesday. The motto of the Department will be “Buh-bye”.
- The Department of Exmigration will also enforce the repatriation of all illegal immigrants starting Wednesday. And ending Thursday, though if you are in line by Wednesday, we’ll give you another 24 hours. Any illegals left after that will be sent to our choice of either India or Nigeria.
- Only females of exceptional beauty will be allowed to illegally immigrate. Our policy is, “9 or 10, come on in!” The judging panel will consist of Mel Gibson, Elon Musk, and Johnny Depp. The anticipated formation of GloboLeftist Wine Drinking Cat Lady Einsatzgruppen to hunt down this new national resource will be put down brutally.
Project 2026 has a goal of two hot chicks for every dude.
Marriage and children are important to the United States, so:
- Starting in 2026 unmarried mothers will receive no child support nor governmental support of any type. Widows are exempt.
- No fault divorce is abolished.
- Women and men are barred from receiving child support payments or alimony.
- Only married women and men between the ages of 21 and 63 can vote.
- An era of free power will follow based on Project 2026’s projection that we can exploit the power of suffragettes spinning in their graves at near lightspeed after hearing that GloboLeftist women, after hearing about Trump’s win, promise to be celibate outside of committed relationships.
I went to a farmer’s party. They really knew how to turn up the beets!
Government reform is top on the list of Project 2026:
- 95% of all federal employees are hereby terminated. Pack your stuff. The remaining 5% are park rangers and the US Postal Service®. Project 2026 thought for a long time about other groups, but they all have to go. All of them. Except for the Department of the Treasury to collect tariffs and the Department of Exmigration.
- The ATF’s mission will be radically changed: their new mission will be to make firearms plentiful and low cost.
- The FBI headquarters will be relocated to the Swanson Motel, in Bismarck, North Dakota.
- All federal employees except for the Federal Marshall Service will be disarmed, as Project 2026 realizes someone has to bring horse thieves to justice.
- Project 2026 understands and values the role of education in society, and therefore will remove the greatest impediment to education: The Department of Education. All employees will be fired, and will be barred from ever working in any educational role again.
Project 2026 realizes that the United States is just one of a whole host of nations. The best one, but still just one. Here follows the changes to International Relations.
- International relations, imports, all financial transactions and all telecommunications are hereby ended with India and Nigeria until they show proof that they’ve executed every scammer in the country, or turned them into valuable mulch.
- Our new policy in dealing with other nations is, “Why should I care?” If any other nation contacts us for aid, our official response will be “Rub some dirt on it.”
Those guys were always cold as ice.
Project 2026 realizes a strong military is important to protecting our borders, which is all we’re going to do with it.
- Every young man will be sent to bootcamp, and will continue in bootcamp until they pass or reach the age of 40. After passing bootcamp, each young man is sent home with all the weapons and ammunition they can carry, including C-4. Additionally, Project 2026 will officially rename C-4 as “serious putty”.
- The bootcamps will be along the southern and northern borders of the United States, and a “free fire” zone will be established within fifty yards (six decaliters) of the border. This includes people attempting to escape Trudeauistan.
- Most overseas bases will be returned to the host country, with the exception that all on-base fast-food restaurants will remain. Exceptions to this are Diego Garcia and Guantanamo, because Project 2026 finds them amusing.
This is a work in progress, so any suggestions for additions can be provided before I transmit this to President-Elect Donald Trump tonight in my dreams. I hope the cat doesn’t melt again. Such a mess. So buttery. Very disrespectful.
About that strong military on the borders… did you know that the Department of Defense is staffed by government workers? Who oversee the contracts to equip the military? Who you just fired? Maybe you can hire more contractors to oversee the other contractors who oversee the subcontractors, but I think you’ll want some experienced civilians at the top of the system.
Or, we give the grunts a credit account at Palmetto to buy guns and Fenix to buy ammo.
Firing 90% of the workers at the Puzzle Palace will significantly improve both management and procurement.
Nope.
But we have to keep the Patent Office. They’re self-funding, and we need them to train the new E4 supply clerk teams handling supplies.
First, as a senior citizen of 75 years, I object to Project 2026’s “Only married women and men between the ages of 21 and 63 can vote.” I have knot tying skills (I can tie a Hangman’s Knot with my eyes closed.) and years of hating Collectivists. I can also pass a Citizenship Test. I demand being included in the voting pool.
Second: Q: If A is for Apple, and B is for Ball, what is C for?
A: Explosives.
“A chicken in every pot, C4 in every cache.” (TM)
Okay. You get a pass. Only you.
Gee, thanks John. Being only semi-retired, I have several days a week that I was planning on volunteering in the new ‘One Way Helicopter Rides for Commies’ program. And this (besides all the stuff our anonymous 75 yr old friend above can do) isn’t enough to earn me a vote too? I mean, I’ve never voted Democrat, and if I start doing so after I’m deceased – I insist someone explain how that’s possible, given I’m planning on being cremated… 😉
Ohh, you can have all of their votes.
Seriously? The Postal Service? 99% of the time I walk from my mailbox directly to my garbage can. Getting rid of the Postal Service is the biggest legitimate green project of all time. Think of the jet fuel, diesel, gasoline etc. that could be saved. If I had the option of putting my garbage can permanently in the place of my mailbox and just have the government employees save me the steps I would pay for that.
And we could use it as renewable energy!
Some of us are already putting junk mail to productive use heating our homes in the winter. 😉
When I lived in Alaska it was, “oh, free heat!”
Project 2026 is like Project 2025 in that Trump had nothing to do with drafting it and doesn’t know anything about it. Honestly was there a dumber talking point from the Cumala campaign other than suggesting you should vote for Cumala?
Right? “He’s Hitler and, um, Project 2025” was their whole campaign, along with, “Oh, yeah, we’ll do what Trump says he’s going to do, too.”
Random stream of consciousness responses on Project 2026:
First, incorporate Project 2025.
https://static.project2025.org/2025_MandateForLeadership_FULL.pdf
Second, make Brian Wilson of Beach Boys fame the poet laurate of America, replacing the current U. S. Poet Laureate Ada Limón, author of (seriously) The Hurting Kind and Bright Dead Things. Ada is paid $60K per year from Fed purchase of T-Bills; Brian will do the gig for free as our start down the road to government fiscal responsibility, since as we all know he recorded the instrumental “You Never Give Me Your Money”. Why Brian? He is the original founder of the wholesome MBGA = Make Bikinis Great Again movement with his opening line in Surf City, a return to which is greatly needed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkbOkVHEIf0
Third, speaking of alphabet movements, a not-so-wholesome one is rearing its ugly head:
MATGA – short for Make Aqua Tofana Great Again. Beware, gentlemen!
https://x.com/ImMeme0/status/1855428375734841575
Yeah, I’m kinda shocked women don’t know about toxicology.
“Finally, to the rank and file, you are welcome to live in either Portland or Seattle. I hear Puget Sound is lovely.”
It is! Drop-dead gorgeous. Curses! P2026 giveth and P2026 taketh away.
MPSPA
(Make Puget Sound Populist Again)
It is already completely legal (I.A.N.A.L.) to discriminate against Democrats and other Leftists for their political affiliations. Just don’t claim it’s for any other reason.
That being said, we should outlaw the Democrat, Socialist, and Communist parties, then arrest, try, and hang their entire leadership, from county organizers on up. What charge? Treason.
Declare war on Mexico. Execute anybody found speaking Spanish as a spy or saboteur.
I’ll allow all of that. Consider that part of Project 2026.
P2026 sounds pretty good, but I’m sure I’ll long for P2025’s promise of forcing all single cat ladies (But I Repeat Myself) to wear officially licensed Handmaid’s Tale® garb and be transported to government baby farms for artificial insemination.
On a serious note, a family member did in fact call The Missus prior to the election in tears about Trump’s plan to use P2025 to make single women illegal, forbid them from owning property, and other nonsense. My response (after I finished laughing) was “Sounds like a good start.”
I think I’m now off that person’s Christmas list.
Oh, single women won’t be illegal, just chattel.
I’ll tell her. I’m sure she’ll be relieved.
Is that how you spell “triggered”?
Good Lord. You’ve been mining my books for ideas again.
The Mars thing is tricky. I can see no tarrif from there to Earth, but I know Alicia has a very high tax on imported goods to her world.
Works for me. Wait until Wednesday. And you need to give a link so people can buy them!!!
Based book sale is coming up soon!
Since we’re turning up the dial a full notch from 2025 to 2026, does that mean we can get Spinal Tap to play at the kickoff celebration?
Seriously though, I’d like to see some sort of amendment that requires the Federal govt to maintain a balanced budget. No shenanigans or shell games allowed They can only spend what tax revenue comes in and any overspend comes out of the congressional budget used for their salaries and staff. This would eliminate a lot of wasteful organizations very quickly and would lead to some much needed efficiency improvements in SS and Medicare.
D
How about a required government surplus?
Any government deficit outside time of declared war must be paid first by the personal fortunes of Congressthings and their immediate family members, second by the collective assets of their political parties.
Nice. Excellent start.
Congresscritters get paid the average of their state’s income – non government employees.
And have to submit to a full – proctologist-level audit at the end of every term.
Because: Only government employees have to pay income tax.
Susan Wiles (Lilly Pfizer lobbyist) as COS and Hindu Vance are just coincidences. But the fact that not shit has happened since the election e.g. riots, voting machines, bombings etc. Tells me we been played again.
Mebee.
I say we let this one in.
https://x.com/KathleenWinche3/status/1854972033526055167?t=H9vJZBEOZ6-E_VQsY5lYQg&s=19
Opie Odd
Allowed.
But you’ll have to take her, The Mrs. doesn’t want me picking up strays.
Ditto but I think she’d work out as a daughter-in-law.
Ohhh! Yeah, that’s a good idea.
The Civilian Marksmanship Program will commence selling surplus fully automatic individual and crew-served weapons to the public effective January 21, 2025, while supplies last.
Any member of Congress whose net worth has increased to any level higher than their base salary times their years of service will be prosecuted for insider trading, and all their assets seized and forfeit under the RICO statutes.
All J6 prisoners will receive a presidential pardon.
Everyone who participated in jailing them, from arrest to prosecution and sentencing, will take their places, for the maximum term handed out to any of the defendants. No parole will be available; they shall each serve that term until complete.
The military will adopt the male standard Physical Fitness Test for all members. Anyone failing it will be given the same number of weeks as they have accrued years of service for a single attempt at re-testing to pass. Anyone who fails the re-attempt will be separated from military service as ineligible and given a general discharge.
All initial enlistments in the military will be in the combat arms of each service. Support roles will be assigned to personnel on subsequent tours of duty only, in perpetuity.
Troops will only be deployed to combat for declared wars in any instance beyond 30 days.
All congresscritters voting in favor of any war will be mandatorily deployed to the front lines as observers for the first 90 days, and any children they have between 17 and 35 shall be drafted into the Army and deployed to the front lines for a minimum of one year.
Any citizens found in possession of illegal narcotics above the amount of 1 ounce will be considered to be drug dealers, and subject to prosecution and expedited execution. Any foreign nationals caught smuggling narcotics into the US will be summarily executed. If we’re going to have a war on drugs, it’s time to stop taking prisoners.
Asset forfeiture will be banned.
Police body cams will be mandatorily worn by all sworn officers, under federal law.
In any case where there is no body cam footage, or substantial gaps in coverage by same exist, of any incident in question, the accused shall be presumed innocent and summarily released.
Any police officer caught breaking the law (including violation of civil and constitutional rights) shall forfeit all qualified immunity.
In any case where fines are assessed to a municipality for police abuses, the funds shall be obtained in equal amounts from the next year’s annual budget of the agency in question, and from the pension funds of the officers of that department or agency.
Any plaintiff in a civil or criminal case who makes false allegations of rape, abuse, or domestic violence shall be mandatorily charged in any case of a false report, and punished equal to whatever maximum fine and prison terms(s) the falsely accused defendant(s) would have been liable.
That’s just off the top of my head.
All added. Perfect.
Thanks for another tariffic article.
hahahaha!