The Amazing Bigfoot UFO Diet

“Boys, I slipped in poop!  Bigfoot poop!” – Trailer Park Boys

Bigfoot saw me today.  I bet nobody believes him.

Last week I was about 75% done with the writing of a new post.  It was about 1am, which was a bit late, but not horribly so.  From where I was, I was an hour of edits, an hour of memes, and then a final hour of edits from being done.  4am?  Not so bad.  Sleep is for the weak, and it’s no substitute for caffeine.  I even made a really funny meme that fit with the post complete for the main meme:

See, genius at work!  Not pictured:  anything to do with this post.

When I type (I’m not going to be so bold as to call myself a writer), I can generally tell when and where a post is going to close when I start writing.  And this was going there, but it was . . . bleak.  And one thing I like to do on a Friday post is to end on an “up” beat.

I try to make the Monday post the heaviest in thought, the Wednesday post the heaviest in economic conditions, and however those posts end, they end.  They represent the best I can find with reality.  Am I always right?  No.  But I’m not going to look at the Senile Senator from Scranton and pretend he’s a leader or even anything more than a drooling moron with only the slightest bit of consciousness rattling around in the dim memories that he has left between pudding pops and wondering why Bob Barker isn’t on The Price is Right®.

Joe Biden:  “The doctor told me I have dementia and the economy sucks.  But at least I don’t have dementia.”

But Fridays are different.  I like ending the week on high note.  That wasn’t the post.  I might rework it, or not.  I have plenty of stuff to write about as the universe keeps following the modestly-named Wilder’s Principle Of Greatest Amusement (short explanation:  if there are two possibilities of an event happening, the most silly one will occur, which explains Trump, Biden, and Elvis dying on a toilet).

Because of all that, I’m switching gears wildly this Friday.  My story starts when I was but a wee Wilder living on Wilder Mountain in the deep woods, 45 miles from the nearest movie theater, a place so remote that we would beg strangers for news of the outside, and we would woo our women with chocolates and nylons from the Red Cross packages that were airdropped occasionally.

One thing Ma Wilder always indulged me on was books.  I had to use my allowance on the models.  Since there were no other kids around, I surrounded myself with things I made.  I slept under them:  a fleet of two Constitution Class Heavy Cruisers (NCC 1701 was one) facing down the improbable alliance of a Romulan™ Bird of Prey and a Klingon D-7, both flanked by Phantom F-4s (for whatever reason painted glossy silver – seemed like a good idea at the time) along with the Battlestar Galactica™ headed straight for a Cylon Basestar© which was improbably flanked by both a Sopwith Camel and a red Fokker triplane.  I was especially proud of the Galactica®, since I had (by that time) figured out how to put realistic charred areas for battle damage along with about 100 pieces of glow-in-the-dark tape, so when I turned out the lights it looked like all those windows were shining light into the dark, asbestos-laden ceiling of my bedroom.

I confused model glue with a tube of Preparation H®.  At least my model never itched.

Those I had to pay for.  But he books?

Nope.  Ma Wilder indulged me on those, and never questioned a single one, as long as I read them.

I have no idea if I had to choose to spend my hard-earned allowance on magazines – I simply can’t remember.  But I do know that they didn’t blink at those, either.  So, I had in my possession a copy of UFO Magazine™.  I have no idea of that was the exact title, but it was close enough.

In this particular magazine, there was the scariest story I had ever read.  The idea of the story was that bigfoot wasn’t a creature that was normal, like a bear or a coyote.  We had bear and coyote and mountain cats on Wilder Mountain.  Those weren’t horribly scary.

According to this magazine, bigfoot was, instead, a phenomenon that was entirely alien in nature.  It was controlled by either the critters that ran the UFOs, or it was a trans-dimensional being that exhibited supernatural powers.  It didn’t matter which, since both of those types were dangerous and psychic.  What would it do to me?  Hell, I had no idea.  But it was an evil alien psychic bigfoot.  Isn’t that enough???

I went to a psychic’s house and knocked on the door.  She asked, “Who’s there?” so I left.

I had a view of the edge of the forest, as it the ridge due north of my bedroom reached for the peak of the mesa to the back of my house.  Of course, as a third grader, I’m certain that I saw a pair of glowing red eyes from ridge a quarter mile away.  Now, of course, I’d have to put on my glasses to even see the ridge, but back then I was sure I saw them.  I’m not sure how one can fall asleep while every muscle in the body is tense with fear and sweat was trickling everywhere, but I’m sure the covers over my head helped.

Thankfully, as I grew up, I came to the realization that UFOs were certainly not real.  The UFO phenomenon (and bigfoot!) gradually came to take the same place in my mind as pro wrestling.  They weren’t real, but they were certainly entertaining.

But I kept an eye to the sky.  Just in case.

I’ve been watching the news stories, and seen the videos leaked from the Navy.  Strange.  But I really didn’t think too much more about it.  The idea that UFOs were something more than sensor glitches or advanced US tech seemed unlikely.

Weirdly, I was listening to Dr. Michio Kaku’s radio show the other day.  Sometimes (especially in the hottest weather) The Mrs. likes to listen to Fairbanks, Alaska radio, and Michio’s radio show is on Sunday afternoon.

Michio Kaku named his son “Physics” so he could be called the Father of Physics.

Michio Kaku is a theoretical physicist that has a few bestsellers, but what’s most amusing is his radio show.  The Mrs. and I pronounce his name Meee-chio, since he regularly talks about himself in the third person.  I think he should be next in line to be King of England, since he’s so good at using the Royal We already.  Regardless, Michio is amusing.

One thing he said in his radio show two weeks ago, though, got to me.  I’ll paraphrase, but I think I’ve got most of the intent, “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence, but I think that in the case of UFOs this has shifted.  The evidence is so overwhelming that the phenomenon exists, and the burden now belongs to those who claim the phenomenon is normal to prove that.”

I was shocked.  I’d listened to him off and on for years.  Every other time, he’s mentioned aliens, the opposite has come out of his mouth.  His case now?

It’s real until someone proves it isn’t.

How do we know aliens aren’t vegan?  They haven’t contacted us to tell us.

I don’t know what’s going on.  There are multiple explanations.  Some of them are amazingly dark – several researchers into UFO phenomena have come to the conclusion that what’s going on is sinister, as in worse than psychic bigfeet.  Far worse.

But if it’s something as boring as psychic bigfeet, hidden German technology from under Antarctica, oddly humanoid aliens, or even run-of-the-mill travelers from another dimension, this will still be remembered far into the future, much farther than anything that will come out of AOC’s silly mind or Chucky Schumer’s bloated ego.

So, which would be most compatible with Wilder’s Principle of Greatest Amusement?  My money is on psychic bigfeet.  Sometimes the psychic bigfoot is confused with a sasquatch.

Yeti never complains.

Author: John

Nobel-Prize Winning, MacArthur Genius Grant Near Recipient writing to you regularly about Fitness, Wealth, and Wisdom - How to be happy and how to be healthy. Oh, and rich.

29 thoughts on “The Amazing Bigfoot UFO Diet”

  1. I was big on UFOs as a kid, too, after reading about the classic Betty and Barny Hill case in Look magazine at my grandfather’s barber shop. Who knows, maybe I was drawn to the story by other mysterious, hidden orbs…

    https://magazinesbyjoseph.com/product/look-magazine-october-4-1966/

    The current spate of military stories about UFOs around naval ships off the coast of California are weird. I personally think they’re secret experimental aircraft from the Chinese or Area 51. Congress disagrees, and has officially said they are not , quote, “man-made”.

    https://www.vice.com/en/article/3adadb/congress-admits-ufos-not-man-made-says-threats-increasing-exponentially

    Which means our government is officially grooming us to accept the existance of aliens…

    https://citizenfreepress.com/breaking/joe-bidens-monkey-pox-director-disturbing-photos/

    1. I saw a UFO not more than 100 feet off the deck as it passed my job while closing up around 2000 hrs in 1978. Kid in high school and still figured it for a prototype aircraft. Followed for 2 miles then hit a river bed . Thought would lose it, but it held up and swung the aft end to line up out to sea and took off like a shot. We had plenty of military activity back then and was easy to imagine a craft disappearing off shore for some kind of recovery. Was one of those cigar shaped things, thought was an airship at first, as we have a Goodyear blimp moored 15 miles away. But they don’t operate that low, nor without running lights. Thing was absolutely quiet, no wings with only a white cockpit light. As it has a fresnel type of refraction the look was obviously terrestrial. Definitely had a aerospace supply look. I’ve seen some crappy videos on YT that were far away , but had the same look and movement pattern, so there is that. The easiest hypothesis is that there are test beds being used which are nonetheless of limited value for production. As far as an internet dog changing his spots, follow the money is the best guess. The 90s UFO craze was intertwined with a disinformation campaign, and it’s not like people are any smarter. Bob Lazar and his BS were used to overshadow a lawsuit brought by real Area 51 employees that had been poisoned by classified material exposure. And the Air Force admitted that UFO sightings were part of the stealth program’s cover. So when I see a supposed academic of social security age making claims that are I line with the MSM it can be assumed his retirement was found wanting.

    3. I’ve always been agnostic on aliens: their existence and visitations to Earth.

      The effingy dewberries running conquered America signaling that they’re real has finally tipped me over into skepticism.

  2. UFOs, Bigfeets, “Joe Biden”, et al…welcome to our troll clown world. Brought to you by the usual suspects, who most certainly are devilish bigfoot aliens.

    Oh – Battelstar Galactica? Noooo. In the late 70s on our local FM it was spoofed as Battlestar Gastonia®. (Have to be from the Carolinas to get it.)

  3. Good Lord are they still selling Michio Kaku? He is such a tool.

    Y’all were better off with the Delphic Oracle.

  4. My mom was the same way, she never begrudged buying me as many books as I wanted. I still have an awful lot of them, almost all sci-fi and fantasy novels from the late 70s and early 80s.

  5. One of those UFO ne Unexplained Aerial Phenomena (UAP) videos looked very much like an insect crawling about near the focal plane of the sensor. I’m sure that the guy responsible for keeping the clean-room clean saw no such resemblance.

  6. Sometimes the psychic bigfoot is confused with a sasquatch.

    Yeti never complains.

    Did you do this whole column just to set up this joke?

  7. John, your childhood bedroom with all the cool airframes hangin’ ’round sounds much like mine, sans the asbestos-laden ceiling. (I think/hope) Great posting!
    OG

  8. In my youth, I saw two UFOs. I lived near an airport, so I was familiar with all sorts of aerial vehicles. I even saw a Concorde land. (The FAA frowns on launching model rockets at passing helicopters, by the way, and is not hesitant about sending the sheriff to talk to you.) Number one: largish red-orange circle, just hanging in the air for a minute until it took off like a shot over the horizon. Number two: just like number one, but it had a visible afterburner flame when it shot off.

    I have no idea what they were. I do know that neither was as weird as ball lightning. I’ve only seen that once, and hope to never be near it again.

  9. A day late and a dollar short, but it’s Wilder Time!

    I have a tree (maple, not pin oak) and my settin’ chair again, and a glass of Adult Beverage, as the day winds down, but before I need to up and make dinner.

    I get to start living here full time ’round about Thanksgiving.

    And yes, Sasquatch is real: He’s pranking the doggos (It could also be wild turkeys, stray magpies, or lizards: they’re easily amused)

  10. A trip to the hobby shop for WWII plastic model kits and supplies, diecast planes and army men figures!
    Great times. The 1940’s gear of all sides is my fave.
    Older brothers would give me their MAD Magazines, these should be in every school today.
    Don’t stand in the window and I have some groceries, some peanut butter, that should last a couple of days.

    1. ” Was the Misanthropic Humanitarian talking about…” Mr. Wilder?

      Thanks for the Link. Was gonna try to copy/paste the Image Address, Unsure if that works ‘Here’, Hit/Miss @TBP, for instance. Mostly me if i were to guess. STILL giddy over FINALLY grasping Strike Through in WordPress©. MOST of the Time.

      $#@! Sorry! Now, Where was i? Oh Yeah,…

      Last Line of Your Link…”Writing is really Hard Work” John seems to be a Natural. Prolly spends 3, MAYBE 4…Minutes. A Week. Writing All 3. In Aggregate.

      We ALL get certain gifts from The Creator. Clearly, Writing is his.

      Almost GUARANTEED He ‘Cant’ Due Maff OR Reeding for diddly. https://www.yorksaw.com/guide-to-sawmills/sawmill-terminology/

      Sincerely, S. Grapes

  12. SURE. Scoff. Deny. ALIENS ARE REAL !!!

    The recent/ongoing ‘modifications’ of the Gold Storage Vaults in (Historically Touted As) NEUTRAL ?

    State-of-the-ART upgrades to the Transporter Room.

    Global Cooling,Global Warming,Climate Derangement Syndrome Climate Change?

    THIS is where it ALL started !!! https://www.annunaki.org/nibiru/

    You’ll see.

    Did You not Know ? There ARE rings ’round Uranus. Too. All Ya need is a mirror.

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