“Since when can weathermen predict the weather, let alone the future?” – Back to the Future
It’s easy to buy clothes for psychics – they’re all mediums.
In the past I’ve done, once or twice, a humorous year in review post. 2020? Let’s let that year rot in the grave – in many ways, it was a year that was worse than having to spend the weekend after Christmas with the Kardashians.
How was that weekend I spent with the Kardashians?
It was hairy, smelly, oily, and just plain silly, no matter how much money got thrown around, it was still awful and made me want to take a month-long shower.
Instead, let’s look forward. Here I have a group of predictions made by the best psychics I could find on the Psychic Friends Network® who somehow decided working for $7.99 a minute was better than winning the lottery or buying Tesla© stock in 2010. These were confirmed by the time-traveling Stephen Hawking, who said, “Yeah, it all looks legit,” before beating me in a one-on-one game of basketball.
I really suck at basketball. Plus? Time-travelling Stephen Hawking is a robot with chainsaw arms.
Trust me, 2021 will be better.
January, 2021
Faced by a mounting crisis in Canada brought about by forgetting to pay the electric bill, Canadian armed forces launch an invasion of Detroit to check for spare change in the couches. The 82nd Airborne is dispatched and quickly prevents invasion of the desirable parts of Michigan. The Canadian Army quickly surrenders, but insists on adding an extra “u” in words like labor, honor, and Wednesday. Within 72 hours the Treaty of Fargo is signed, whereby Canada is punished by being prohibited from withdrawing from Detroit, and also forced to take the Jacksonville Jaguars® and Amy Schumer.
German leader Angela Merkel is quick to condemn the United States, saying, “In the annals of humanity there has never been a bigger war crime than forcing the decent citizens of Canada to take a sub-par NFL® team. Never. You’ll just have to trust me on this.”
Angela Merkel arrives in Paris:
“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.
“German,” Merkel replies.
“Occupation?”
“No, just here for a few days.”
February, 2021
Facebook® and Google™ announce a joint partnership to, “just know and predict everything about you so that we can manipulate you like a rancher manipulates cattle and extract every bit of value from you before we recycle you into Earth-friendly products.”
Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts rules that this is fine. Writing in his majority opinion, he says, “they (Facebook© and Google®) are private companies and are thus not covered by the First Amendment. Also, they have all of my Internet history, and the secret naughty chats I’ve been having with Justice Kagan, and I really don’t want my wife seeing those.”
March, 2021
According to the medical journal, The Lancet, the first COVID-19 vaccine recipients spontaneously renounce any Leftist policy and become staunch supporters of nationalism, Constitutional government and individual liberty. Congressman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez calls for the immediate recall of the vaccine.
Thankfully, nothing happens if she eats ice cream too fast.
April, 2021
George R.R. Martin announces he has written seven complete pages of his next book in the Game of Thrones® series titled, The Winds of Winter. “At this rate, I’ll be complete with the series by the year 4731. So, fans, there’s something to look forward to!”
Martin then laughed his jolly elfin laugh and jumped naked, except for his signature hat, into a swimming pool filled with $100 bills after a dinner of eating panda roasted over glowing Moon-rocks.
May, 2021
In a surprise session, the governments of 33 States serve notice to the United States that they are seceding from the Union. In the joint declaration to the Federal government via short phone call, the States note, “Listen, we tried to work this out. Don’t cry. Stop. It’s not you. It’s me. I’ve changed. I’m keeping the dog. And the nuclear weapons. And all the Tom Petty albums.”
Texas changes its Facebook™ profile to “single.” Canada is still required to keep Detroit and the Jacksonville Jaguars©, despite launching a surprise offensive on the Nordstrom™ outlet in St. Paul, Minnesota, which failed because they didn’t have actual money for parking meters. Who knew those meters would reject Canadian quarters?
I heard that Texas was voted “most likely to secede” in high school.
June, 2021
Elon Musk announces he has joined his consciousness with a machine, specifically a postal meter in the United States Post Office in Enid, Oklahoma (Zip Code 73701). Musk specifically chose this meter because he “want(ed) to not only dominate car production, and space flight, but also being able to know exactly what small objects weigh and calculate what the postage would cost to ship something far away. It’s not so easy to figure that out, you know.”
July, 2021
[REDACTED DUE TO NSC 1993-473-AB-01]
August, 2021
Practical immortality was announced jointly by the Bill Gates Foundation© and the World Economic Forum™. In a surprise, it involves subscribing to Microsoft™ Office© 365®, eating only food obtained from bugs, and living in a small pod as approved by the Facebook™/Google© Freedom For All™ coalition, and limiting stressors by avoiding unapproved news sources.
“With this new technology, most Americans can now expect to live meaningful, productive lives up to at least the age of 50, which is nearly immortal,” said Gates, while stroking a long-furred snow-white cat.
Bill Gates only wants one thing for giving us immortality, namely, to rename the Earth: “The Planet of the Apps.”
September, 2021
President-For-Life Kamala Harris indicated that rumors of her executing prisoners in her last remaining enclave of Beverly Hills were, “gross exaggerations. In most cases, they fought each other to the death for Chicken McNuggets®. We even gave some of the winners Hot Mustard™ sauce, which I believe is in line with the Geneva Convention.”
As troops loyal to the American United American States of America surrounded the Western White House, President-For-Life Harris said, “Guys, can’t you take a joke?”
October, 2021
The Federal Reserve® announced that the main Federal Reserve Bank™ headquarters in Washington, D.C. was robbed by George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and a long list of Hollywood B-list celebrities who were engaged in an overly complicated heist, with comic relief provided by Julia Roberts.
Fed© Chairman, Britney Spears, noted that, “We didn’t lose anything. We don’t have any actual money, silly, we just print it.”
November, 2021
Netflix® Health Advisor© and Minister Plenipotentiary Dr. “Fat Tony” Anthony Fauci stated flatly, “Listen, Harvard© has told us as early as 1968 that sugar is good for you. Eat all you can. And smoking isn’t that bad for you, especially if you smoke filtered cigarettes by a major manufacturer. Corn syrup? It should be called corn sugar! I bathe in it and rub it on my chest every day. So wholesome and healthy!”
When asked about why he said that masks against COVID firstly in February 2020, “wouldn’t help” and then later “should be mandatory,” Fauci said, “Oh my gosh, what is that over there? Look! A baby wolf!”
Dr. Fauci at a press conference: “Don’t worry. If I’m wrong, I’ll still have a job.”
December, 2021
Mopping up actions continue in the former “Socialist Republic of the West” and the collapsed “First New England Commune.” After determining that 93% of the residents couldn’t be poets, communist theorists, and crystal dolphin therapists due to the inability to feed themselves, the last snarky Twitter™ post went up on December 23, 2021, “Well, actually, not everyone celebrates Christmas, so by saying ‘Merry Christmas’ to me you aren’t being Christian at all, are you?”
As of December 25, 2021, peace and harmony prevail in the Reconstituted United States of America, though anyone with the word “studies” in their degree title is immediately sentenced to 7 years in the RUSA “Leisure Camps” where residents are “encouraged” to actually produce something.
See, I told you 2021 would be better!
If 2020 has taught me anything, it has convinced me that in spite of my generally vivid imagination I can’t even begin to predict how bad things are going to be in 2021.
I’m feeling optimistic.
Dunno why.
Jack Burton: “I feel pretty good, I’m not, huh, I’m not scared at all, I just feel kind of, feel kind of invincible.”
Wang Chi: “Me, too. I got a very positive attitude about this.”
FWIW, here’s a recommended lookback at the top news stories of 2020:
https://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2020/12/29/the_top_10_suppressed_news_stories_of_2020_144929.html
My personal favorite 2020 insanity:
https://www.statista.com/chart/22068/change-in-wealth-of-billionaires-during-pandemic/
Speaking of billionaires, yesterday I went up to Nashville and saw the Chihuly glass exhibit at the Cheekwood mansion museum in my first visit there. Dale Chihuly is a gifted genius glass sculptor, but Cheekwood itself is equally amazing. The Cheek family topped off a career in the Nashville grocery business from the 1880s-1920s by selling their Maxwell House coffee brand to Post Cereals in 1928 for $28 million dollars. This would be the equivalent of around $420 million today, a boatload of cash to take into the Depression. So in a show of compassion to all the Dust Bowl migrants, Leslie Cheek built a MAGNIFICENT 30,000 square foot mansion with all the attached goodies like 55 acres of gardens, garages for the cars, horse stables and even a private (not party!) telephone line. Then they went on several worldwide trips to furnish the house: mainly with furniture from the UK, paintings from Europe, with a side trip to China to buy some random porcelain bric-a-brac to shove in all the drafty corners.
Trust me, Cheekwood is an amazing sight to see. It was finished in 1932. Leslie Cheek died only two years after finishing the mansion. His daughter Huldah sold it all to the City of Nashville twenty years later to escape the overhead costs. Here’s the moral of the story: Money and vast riches aren’t as important as time on Earth and having a loving family in a cozy home.
Good luck to all this New Year! We’re gonna need it.
During my banking days, one of my clients was the family office for the heirs of a media mogul’s estate. They had an entire floor of an office building and a bunch of employees to do nothing but handle distributions and griping from family members of a guy who lived in the 19th century. The magnitude of the wealth was something few people could understand.
That’s another American success story. They’re always good to hear. And they’re continuing to happen.
Wealth is not always a blessing . . .
But, we’re going to make it.
His daughter “Huldah”? Whoa.
That’s a name for the ages.
John- Your sense of optimism is just so refreshing. Let’s hope that 2021 is no worse than you predict.
It may not be good. But I think the seeds that will become good will be planted.
As the owner of properties in both New York and Texas, I will enjoy the distinction of holding dual citizenship in both the former and future United States of WTF in 2021. I’ll be able to pass through the looking glass at will like Schrödinger’s cat, occupying two mutually exclusive states at one and the same time. Existing as a singularity will surely have its advantages, and mark me as relatively special. Here’s looking forward to the quantum leaps to be made in the new year.
Elon Musk, eat your heart out.
The World Economic Forum has other plans for you.
Ha!
I’m thinking that there won’t be dual citizenship after 2028 . . . !
Human nature being what it is, it usually means you have two sets of folks gunning for you.
John – – This “missive” is one of your very best….
You said, “ Within 72 hours the Treaty of Fargo is signed, whereby Canada is punished by being prohibited from withdrawing from Detroit, and also forced to take the Jacksonville Jaguars® and Amy Schumer.“.
That is just pure genius. You have half the country praying that it will now come true.
Kudos, MAGA Kudos !!
Thank you, and Happy New Year!!
Treaty of Fargou. Just saying.
Also, I can’t log in to WP on your website in order to NOT leave anonymous comments. Which is weird because when I press the WP button on Sara’s page, it just pops right through. Normally I am “Heresolong” but now I am “Anonymous”. With an extra “u”, just to keep the variations on a theme going.
I swear, the commentariat here is simply the best. That includes the anonymous ones. And even the anounymouus ones, toou.
Ha!
YES! Same thing happens to me two blogs I go to. I can’t comment there at all, yet every other WP blog it’s fine.
Thanks for coming by, Hereusouloung!
(And I LOVE Fargou!)
It’s ironic you mentioned Bill Gates. I was thinking this morning how creepy and disturbing he is. His money allowed his genius to be unleashed on the unfortunate that fail to realize he’s insane.
He really is smart – at one point a great programmer, probably world class. But now? Who has the guts to tell him when he’s wrong?
Delegitimizing everything is just another word for freedom.
Let’s proceed in the opposite direction as the comfort zombie taxable units stampede off of the cliff edge under the banner of keep me safe mommygov.
I like it. And, again, perfect name!
Proceeding in the opposite direction? Best advice, ever.
Americans think Communism today is better than freedom that might lead to tyranny.
Regarding your wonderful Mad Max grocery shopping meme:
https://twitter.com/i/status/1344149011486400513
Nicely done. And a reminder, again, of why I want no part of that . . .
How the hell did you come upon enid Ok. as the location. I will say no more about enid.
Well, there’s a funny story there, as usual.
2021 summed up in nine seconds:
https://twitter.com/i/status/1344055804136194050
This is wrong, all wrong, on so many levels…
I wonder if he is aware of . . . anything?
Sir,
That is pfm-magic in writing. Vurry much enjoyed your writing, thanks.
Thank you! Much, much more to come!
Went out for zero hour walk and it sounded like a warzone! Most raucous New Years in ages.
Massive gunfire and the poleeces responded quickly with sirens and that interceptor engine sound.
Someone timed it just right and let loose with a couple of shotgun blasts after the pistol fire ceased.
The Sack N’ Save was closed at 2200hrs and there is a mini-trailer in the parking lot with multiple cams and flashing blue lights as part of the Great Reset leap forward.
How about a meme of Crazy Earl from FMJ with the scene where he lowers the empty M16 after bagging some commies running between the buildings, that look of satisfaction on his face.
Wow! That was far crazier than here. We watched a little TV (James May from Top Gear) and were in bed by 1AM.
I mean, we had to invade the house to get a bed . . . .
I am wrapping up my weird work day (Happy new year Tegucigalpa and Winnipeg!) and catching up on my WWW with pocky and my Christmas scotch.
You’re on a roll Mr. Wilder!
Thanks so much!!!! Happy New Year to you and yours!!!