“I have nothing to declare, my dear man, except my genius!” – Babylon 5
Best breakup letter. Ever.
Despite the common opinion that Thomas Jefferson was a hockey player for the Saskatchewan hockey team, “Saskatoon Blades®” (who was remembered for scoring three hat tricks in one season against the “Prince Albert Raiders™” in 1986) there was another Thomas Jefferson that history also remembers.
This Thomas Jefferson was an author, a president of the United States, a founder of a university, and wrote a really great mandolin solo, which has sadly been ignored since the invention of the guitar. Sadly, this Thomas Jefferson was wholly unable to play hockey at all, probably because he couldn’t skate any better than my kid sister.
Regardless, Thomas Jefferson was only 33 years old when he also wrote a document that has been long remarked upon and probably contains some of the most famous sentences in the English language: The Declaration of Independence. In a little bit of history, John Adams had to get Jefferson drunk to convince him to write it because Jefferson was a bit nervous (this is actually true). I’m sure that the next morning, Jefferson said, “I agreed to do what?”
I’m with you, Thomas.
Your eyes aren’t real – they’re just in your head.
About 25% of the original draft was deleted in editing. Apparently, Jefferson had gotten carried away and ended up writing several paragraphs about how he loved potatoes. The committee wasn’t pleased. They didn’t like the part where Jefferson waxed poetically about the way they made his chest glisten when they rubbed the buttery mashed potatoes into it.
In the end, Jefferson decided to hit the print button on the sheep the parchment came from, and the document went out.
A girl: “Hey, Stalin, come over tonight, my parents aren’t home.” Stalin replied, “I know.”
It was not at all in small print, like a car lease at a Mercedes® dealership. The Declaration was meant to be read – a copy of it was sent to King George III, though a bunch of sales fliers for hardware stores and Target® were also included, so George might have thrown it out thinking it was all just junk mail again.
The principles of the Declaration were in common discussion at the time in America, so Jefferson wasn’t making stuff up. Likewise, the people who got the Declaration understood what it meant: times were going to get spicy.
It’s been a while since I’ve read the Declaration, so I thought I’d review it. It’s good stuff, so I thought I’d share it.
For no reason. No reason at all.
The downside is that Jefferson didn’t have a good word processor, and that he didn’t have PowerPoint®. If so, he could have had it down to a dozen slides or so. I’ve made a few changes by adding bullet points and capitalizing the word “Earth”. If Boston is capitalized, Earth should be, too.
Stupid Jefferson.
I trained my dog to smell out fruit, but he doesn’t like doing that. He’s a melon collie.
Regardless, here it is:
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the Earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
- That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed.
- That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.
- Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.
- But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.
- Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government.
The rest of the Declaration of Independence is an indictment – a listing of reasons why the Declaration had to be written, a “we told you so” section, and the “it’s not me, it’s you” breakup section. There was another section about how Jefferson would really, really, miss Great Britain and keep the big stuffed teddy bear they won him at the arcade, but the committee told him to “not be a wuss” and leave that out.
You never want to reach the end of the Y-axis on a plane.
In reality, when I re-read the Declaration, I was amazed at how, pardon me, revolutionary it was. The United States wasn’t founded by guys doing it “just because” – it was founded by guys who really thought about it, and who couldn’t check up on the Internet and find out about how Cardi B was upset about her hair care products.
They had time to think deeply through these issues. And they came up with this list.
To be clear, I love America. Thomas Jefferson, in 1775 said that he would: “rather be in dependence on Great Britain, properly limited, than on any nation upon Earth, or than on no nation.” Jefferson loved Great Britain, dearly.
The thing that I came away with is these men cared deeply about those around them. But there was a limit to what they would take. That limit was simple: the idea that they couldn’t take part in any fashion in the determination of what happened to their State simply wasn’t acceptable.
- They demanded laws, laws that weren’t arbitrary and capricious. They demanded courts that were free of bias. How are we doing now? We have courts that turn a “thou shalt not” into a “thou shalt” within a half of a dozen decisions.
- They also demanded that their fate not be judged by bureaucrats who were beholden to government, but only be judged by a jury of their peers. How are we doing now? Administrative law puts people at risk of life and property and doesn’t allow jury trials.
- They demanded to be protected by those who would invade the country. How are we doing now? Fine, as long as a complete disregard for our laws is okay with you.
- TL:DR, also a bunch of other stuff.
The Federal government of the United States has crept up in size and power. The charter of the Federal government is (if you actually read the Constitution) very small.
- Foreign policy.
- Make naturalization laws.
- Run part of (not the full part, just part of) the military.
- Make sure there are independent Federal courts.
- Making sure that free commerce could happen between the States.
- Regulate commerce with foreigners.
- Borrow money and collect taxes for the stuff they do.
- Own the post office.
- Make war and all the stuff that goes with making war.
- Coin money and stop counterfeiters.
Anything in there about making sure toilets don’t use too much water? No. Anything in there about regulating what fuels your car uses? That your car must have an airbag? That the toothpaste you use meet FDA standards? That you pay someone a minimum wage?
Nope. Not in there at all.
Hmm. Does this sound like a long chain of usurpations? I could probably think of a few other things. You could, too.
Remember, if you start a revolution, aim for the tsars!
What is the last straw? Is it a tax on tea?
Or is it an election that may have been stolen?
So, think about what the future may hold. Don’t be Wayne Regretzky.
