“You would then illegally scrounge whatever material you could from a backup supply cache that I’ve overlooked. The same cache where your team are waiting for further orders.” – Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
I have the eye of a tiger, and the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Cache.
It’s from a French word, cache, and it’s pronounced exactly like the word “cash” but you simply have to add the sound of a six-day-old banana being chopped in half with a rusty meat cleaver on the end. I have no idea why people say learning French is difficult.
Cache was originally a French trapper word for a place where they hid stuff like gunpowder and spare Velcro® and the PEZ® extract that they painstakingly hand-squeezed from beaver glands.
Who exactly were the French trappers hiding stuff from? Probably beavers wanting their glands back, or the rare deepwater Apache wanting gunpowder to snort.
Why am I bringing up old French slang terms? I was inspired to write this little post down because both Aesop (LINK) and Eaton Rapids Joe (LINK) wrote about it today. So I decided to jump on the bandwagon.
Why don’t dairy cows wear flip flops? They lactose.
Each of them had a slightly different take than I will, so, please do give them a visit. Here’s my $0.02 worth:
What am I going to want to hide and why? First, how about what not to hide?
Food.
This is one of my pet peeves. Many, many people in America have been hungry, as in “I skipped breakfast” but few people living in 2021 America have really been hungry. I remember reading that T.E. Lawrence (“Lawrence of Arabia” not D.H. Lawrence who was “Lawrence of Chlamydia”) was always showing how tough he was. Why, one day, he went a whole day without having any food.
Most people in the United States could go weeks without any chow. It always amuses me when I read an article about some programmer from San Jose who followed the Apple® Maps™ direction and ended up snowbound for three days is found. Almost always, the news story ends up with some insanely stupid comment, “And Brandon survived for six days on nothing but Taco Bell® Fire Sauce™ packets.”
If you mix Taco Bell® Fire Sauce™ into ramen, it tastes just like poverty.
No. Brandon was fine going to be fine. The 86 calories he got from the hot sauce packets didn’t cover that thin margin between life and death, and he didn’t really need to eat the two people with him.
When it comes to bug-out bags (or get home bags) the last thing I’d want is to add food. And that goes for your cache, too. Food is bulky, and, over time, will spoil. Food is a difficult thing to conceal for long periods. I mean, have you ever left a ham sandwich with mayo on the counter for a week or two? Ugh.
Freeze dried food or MREs will last quite a long time if kept dry, but how many MREs would you have to bury to survive for a reasonable period?
A lot. I could do the math. And I certainly do suggest that you have a ludicrous amount of food on hand – as much as you can afford and store. But to go out and bury it? Unless you have enough land and enough money to build and bury a bunker, creating a food cache would be just as silly as creating a water cache.
Is drinking water from a straw the opposite of snorkeling?
But what should I cache? That’s where it gets interesting. What does it take to keep me alive? What do I want to hide?
As many before me have said, if you think it’s time to bury your rifles, perhaps it’s time to start loading them instead. But rifles are a great thing to have when times get tough. Rifles are a great thing to have when times are great. I just love rifles.
A rifle without a cartridge means I have to do cardio to bash the commies with my rifle butt. That sounds like work. So, why not store some ammo, too? And, by ammo, I mean a LOT of ammo. Since the prices are coming down now, it’s pretty close to the time to smash the “buy” button. So, that’s something that I might want to have.
Tools. What kind? Knives. Hatchets. Fire starting stuff. Rope. A good pair of boots. Bitcoins.
Medical supplies. Some of them have a pretty short shelf life. Bandages, not so much – they can last as long as they’re dry and sealed. And, if it came down to it, some triple-antibiotic salve is worth having. Personally, I’d try that even if it was expired even if it didn’t work any better than rubbing cottage cheese into a cut at that point.
Well, I can’t store a year’s worth of water, but I can store high-quality, high-volume water filters that will do 100,000 or so gallons. That should give me time to figure out how to clean up the local creek water.
The Mrs. got me a bracelet with my initials on it before I went into the hospital, but they had a silly typo – instead of JW it said DNR.
Where should I hide my cache?
Any public lands are just that – public. If someone finds my cache, well, hey, “free stuff” will be what they think. In the western half of the United States where there is an immense volume of public land, it’s certainly easy enough to find places where no one has ever been. I know that in several of my trips, I’ve been places that no other person, ever, has walked. That’s a good place to hide stuff.
Depending on where you are, there might not be any public lands to speak of, especially if you’re east of the Mississippi. That means hiding it on lands that you or someone else owns. I don’t know about you, but I don’t generally think highly of people who dig holes on my land and bury stuff on it. Heck, the other week I dug down and found a wallet that someone had cached here at Wilder Mansion. Anyone know of a “Jimmy Hoffa”? I seem to have his wallet.
If I or my family own it, by definition I’m in much better shape. It’s even better if I have 50 or more acres, because playing tic-tac-toe across 50 acres gets a little tiresome.
Like anything, I’d suggest that you never trust on a single solution. “Two is one, and one is none” is old-school prepper talk. Redundancy is the key. Why have one AR-15 when you could have two? Two means that if one breaks, you have the other one. And if they both break? You just might be able to use the parts from one for the other – that’s the reason The Mrs. and I had two boys, after all.
Buy a communist a plane ticket and he can fly once. Push him out of a helicopter and he can fly the rest of his life.
The same goes with caches. They have one cache, when you can have three? Why have three, when you can have four? Having two water filters is better than having one. And having two of the same water filter is better still.
The last thing is that if I have a cache, i need to be able to find it and access it when I need it. If i hid it so well that even i can’t find it, it’s lost. Perhaps some future archaeologist might find it interesting, but that doesn’t help me. As I’ve recently seen, I can’t even remember all of the 300 or so passwords I have, so trying to remember where I buried my cache in a decade might be difficult if I can’t remember “password123”.
But whatever you do, don’t cache French fish. They’re literally poisson.