Wang: “A brave man likes the feel of nature in his face, Jackâ€
Egg Shen: “Yeah? And a wise man has enough sense to get in out of the rain.†– Big Trouble in Little China
Whoever took this photo was having a Kodiak moment.
Fairbanks, Alaska.
One thing about Fairbanks (and Alaska) is that it is rougher around the edges than the lower 48. Everywhere. They’re so tough there that they make the fries out of real Frenchmen. Also, other things are a little different: for example, the Post Office.
I had an acquaintance that I worked with who had come to my workplace from a previous career in the Post Office. He told a story of a new Postmaster that showed up in town. I believe that this particular Postmaster had come from the East Coast. Don’t know why he was in Fairbanks. Perhaps he was in the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program?
Regardless, this new Postmaster was going to make changes.
“From now on, we’re going to deliver packages to the doorstep of anyone who gets one. The days of leaving packages at the doorstep are over. And, we’ll knock and let the resident know that the package is there. We can increase customer service, and we will.â€
I wrote a letter today. I might try a number tomorrow, if I feel up to it.Â
That’s a great sentiment. Heck, here in Modern Mayberry, when a package shows up, the USPS drops it right on my front porch, then rings the doorbell, and scampers off. It’s a nice touch. It probably takes an additional minute or so for every house. It works well here, and the biggest danger most mail carriers see is the random housecat with delusions that it is stalking prey in the veldt.
But in Fairbanks it’s a different story – I’ve described people up there as “very friendly people who will generally leave you the hell alone.â€
The new Postmaster from the lower 48 didn’t understand why his carriers were so reluctant to implement the “to the door†service for packages. He heard grumbling, but didn’t understand it – the carriers would do it in town, but they didn’t want to do it for the remote routes. So, he got in with a carrier, and they ran a remote route together. I guess that made him a mail escort.
One of the houses was pretty far out, say, 13 miles from the city, up Chena Hot Springs road. The Postmaster and carrier got out of the truck to deliver the package. The Postmaster knocked on the door.
Immediately, the door opened as far as the door chain would allow.
“What the hell do you want?†asked the man opening the door.
Behind him, the Postmaster and carrier could see a man pointing a rifle at them, “Tell me they’re Feds!†yelled the man with the rifle. He kept repeating that. “Tell me that they’re Feds! We’ll end them right here and now!â€
I use a .30-06 to hunt deer. That gives me a lot of bang for my buck.
They left the package. The “to the door†delivery idea was quickly abandoned.  Likewise, I’m certain that Amazon® will never try drone delivery up there – the locals would just think of that as skeet shooting with instant prizes.
The carriers understood the risk, the Postmaster did not. They knew that Fairbanks is (in a literal sense) the end of the road. The people that come to Alaska were adventurers, misfits, and fortune seekers. And some of that group were people wanted for felonies. There’s a reason that for many years taking pictures of workers at a construction site was considered bad manners.
So, it was a question of risk. Many people don’t really understand the risks that they take. In many cases, some risks are entirely overblown.
Case in point: at a recent high school football game here in Modern Mayberry, there was lightning during the game. To be clear, the lightning wasn’t coming down around us, the nearest strikes were miles away – probably 8 or 10 miles. But then I was shocked . . .
. . . that they stopped the game. All of the players went into the locker rooms, and The Mrs. and I continued to sit on an elevated aluminum structure. Yawn.
If lightning only followed the path of least resistance, why doesn’t it only strike in France?
I wasn’t really worried. In the years between 2006 and 2019, 414 people were killed by lightning in the United States. My chances of being hit were, oh, nearly zero. Exactly 12 football players were killed by lightning during that entire period. As badly as our home team was doing that game, well, they could have used something to charge them up.
But lightning? It is estimated that 243 people are injured each year in the United States by lighting, and 27 killed, on average. And 1/3 of those killed? They were inside.
Yes, lightning kills. How many? Hardly anyone.
But yet I’m sure that every school district in the country has a lightning policy that says something to the effect of, “If there’s any lightning any nearer than, say, Poland, shut it all down.â€Â The policy was probably written by lawyers that want to take the danger out of anything and everything.
“Let’s go Brandonâ€
People rarely understand risks.
The biggest risks for someone dying when they’re young are car accidents. By far. The human organism is pretty strong when young. The main cause of death is, well, being old. Of the top 10 causes of death in the United States (those top 10 cover over 74% of deaths) all of them but one are things that mainly happen to old people.
Of the top 10, only “unintentional deaths†(6%) are more likely to happen to young people than old. In Modern Mayberry, those deaths often involve a motorcycle, a ramp, a cow, road flares, super glue, and the phrase, “hold my beer.â€
So, risk number one to avoid is getting old, which can be done using only some beer, a motorcycle, a ramp, a cow, road flares, and some super glue.
A Mexican movie stuntman died recently. I guess Jesus died for your scenes.
I think the reason we focus on some of these risks that are ludicrously low probability is simple:Â it is much easier to focus on them, rather than on real risks.
The question I ask myself is this: What is it that I know, that I’m avoiding?
It’s a powerful question. A Twinkie® is a much greater danger to my life than a lightning storm. Do I avoid thinking that? Do I try to rationalize big risks and run scared from small risks?
What am I trying to hide from myself?
When I answer that question, then I know what the real risks are. The biggest risk, perhaps is if I become a Postmaster. Then people would expect me, John Wilder, to be funny, and I’m not sure I could do it.
After all, it’s all in the delivery.
