“All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say ‘Yo Goober! Where’s the meat?’ I’m trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don’t win friends with salad.” – The Simpsons
Oh, sorry. I meant a double BACON cheesemurder.
When we lived in Alaska, we got tickets to drive into Denali National Park one year. On that particular weekend, The Mrs. was feeling under the weather so she decided to send The Boy (then a freshly-minted kindergartner) and I instead while she stayed home with Pugsley, who had yet to be grounded, being all of 16 . . . months. I stopped for gas, and decided to get some road food for us since this was our first “just the guys” trip.
I grabbed some beverages, some chips, some candy, and, on the wall behind the cash register I saw some jerky. The brand name was Alaska Jack’s®. It was a clear plastic package of jerky with a gold foil label. The picture on the label was of an old Alaska gold miner, a grizzled old timer wearing buckskin, with a beard and a fur hat. I bought it.
The Boy had never seen jerky before. He stood alongside me at the cash register and looked at the stringy dried pieces of meat in the plastic bag and turned it over. He looked up at me.
“What is it?” He was clearly puzzled.
“Meat. Dried meat,” I responded.
He took another look at the picture of Alaska Jack™, “What kind?”
A long pause.
“Human?”
I bring this (very true) story up because a recent study indicates that a food that mankind has been eating for nearly all of its existence is . . . wait for it . . . not bad for you. Meat has been a staple food for mankind since our grimy, dim ancestors with questionable hygiene first took a bite out of a dead critter and asked, “hey, Ugg, this is pretty good, but do you have any ketchup or A-1®?”
Not only have we been eating meat forever, there is evidence that we have been cooking meat for perhaps a million years, which is almost enough time to make a brisket tender. It is certain we’ve been cooking meat for 400,000 years, and man has been having backyard BBQ’s on a regular basis for 250,000 years. So, color me shocked that science shows that the cooked meat we’ve been eating for at least 20,000 generations of people is . . . good for you.
The next part will be really shocking: meat has changed less in human history than nearly any other food we eat today. Broccoli looks nothing like broccoli 3,000 years in the past. Corn? You wouldn’t recognize it even 1,000 years ago. The wild spaghetti plant? Yup. Similar – wild spaghetti looks just like rice. Heck wild elbow macaroni wasn’t grown until Benjamin Franklin first cross-pollinated a piece of fettucine with a water pipe in 1321.
Yeah, a cow is different today – it’s bigger and juicier, but the meat is the same. Sweet, sweet, cow meat. Heck, I’m making me hungry now.
Given that science is advancing so quickly, I’ll expect to see these headlines soon: “Water is Wet, New Studies Show” and “Scientists Say: Possible Link Between Sex and Babies Showing Up Nine Months Later” and “New Research Says Ben Shapiro’s Voice Makes 95% of All People Want to Choke Him Until He Passes Out, Take His Money, Buy Themselves Something Nice.” If you have any money left over, I’m looking for some cool PEZ® dispensers.
I’ll admit science has some mysteries. I can’t understand how a cat got a taste for tuna, since I’ve yet to see a deep sea fleet of cats in the wild fishing for them.
Why do people always say they’re having a tuna fish sandwich? Is there a tuna bird or tuna cow I’m unaware of?
What may amuse me the most is that several of the headlines noted that this finding was “controversial” and that you needed to read another article to see “What the Meat Study Didn’t Say.” The old conventional view that Meat is Bad® simply cannot be allowed to be refuted.
I heard about a new Emo pizza – it cuts itself. Okay, on that train to hell, I’ll take an aisle seat, please.
The sad truth is this emo-angst-fest is another example of how science, once perverted via either large corporate interests or by Leftist indoctrination, becomes an instrument not of knowledge but of propaganda. Case in point – in one of the articles about the incredibly shocking finding that meat is both tasty and healthy, the New York Times® said, “An extensive study confirms that red meat might not be that bad for you. But it is bad for the planet, with chicken and pork less harmful than beef.”
I guess the New York Times© can’t figure out that t-a-s-t-y isn’t spelled h-a-r-m-f-u-l. Silly New York Times™. I’ll throw some real controversy out there: ribeye kicks bacon’s butt. There. I said it. And I stand by it.
But what is this nonsense all about? In the immortal words of Joe Bob Briggs (LINK),
This means they’ll do anything to avoid simply putting together a bunch of plants and vegetables in a healthy stew/salad/whatever and labeling it as “Healthy Stew/Salad/Whatever.” They want you to think it’s meat. The vegetarians want to consume it as a meat. You don’t need to go to those lengths, though, because we already have a food group that satisfies that need. It’s called, uh, meat.
That’s in response to Impossible Burgers®, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Meat©, Soylent Meat™ or whatever. The push is to take meat and replace it with either:
- Mutant cow stem cells cultured in a vat of despair, or
- A “plant based protein” mixture which I resent on principle because when you eat plants, you’re eating what my food eats, and that’s just not right, or
- Bug burgers. Bug burgers. or,
- The food that will turn us all into Wendigos.
Okay, a Wendigo is a Native American term for what happens to a person when they cultivate a taste for human flesh, it’s based on the tale of a lost hunter who, in a moment of intense hunger, eats his dead buddy. After that? He turns into a giant emaciated partially human creature, whose greed knows no bounds. Sure this sounds like Miley Cyrus or Johnny Depp, but in the Native American tale it was probably a little less scary.
This explains a lot.
The War on Meat brings together the Global Warming™ Cultists, PETA® zombies, and, well, the Leftist Cannibal Brigade©. Okay, I made the Cannibal Brigade™ up, but it’s not far from being true (LINK):
Stockholm School of Economics professor and researcher Magnus Söderlund reportedly said he believes eating human meat, derived from dead bodies, might be able to help save the human race if only a world society were to “awaken [sic] the idea.”
Greta loves eating people to save the planet, but she draws the line at clowns. She says they taste funny.
I’m pretty sure that calling anyone from Sweden a scientist anymore is stretching the definition of scientist to its breaking point. Magnus Söderlund might have a cool first name, but he’s not a scientist, he’s a political hack who is deluded to such an extent that he thinks eating people is a good idea that he can share. In public. He has that opinion, and he’s not worried about people with large nets taking him off to a padded room where he can’t hurt anyone anymore.
Hey, at least he’s not the only one. At the recent town hall of Super Genius Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, C-NY, at last we got a level-headed answer on what we have to do to save the climate:
The hilarious part when I watched this clip was that Super Genius Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, C-NY had the opportunity to say what 99.999999% of people on the planet would have said: “No, that’s clearly insane,” missed her chance. She simply said that there are a lot of different ideas on how to save the planet. This is the equivalent of her pulling a three year old up on stage to protect her from a cream pie in the face.
All of this is based on the ideas of eating plants (Ewww®), bugs (Still Better Than Plants©), cultured cells (Still Better Than Plants©), or human jerky (only good if it it’s the kind from the Alaskan convenience store) is better than having a steak or a burger. The Left is trying to infringe on the Zero Amendment, so an unrestrained and over-the-top response is required. What is the Zero Amendment?
“A meatless People being a Danger to a Free State; Congreth thall maketh no law to infringe on the Rights of the People to have great gobbets of meat, with rivers of grease running down their chins after a great feast, with the meat done preferably medium rare.”
Okay, if even plants aren’t completely vegan, why are people? Oh, because of the Prius®-smug factor. Sorry. My bad.
My solution to the whole problem is rather easy. Since meat is now healthy, I suggest this modest proposal:
Trans-Meat.
Meat shall now be identified as a plant, so vegetarians can eat it. Cows shall now be identified as bugs, so hippies can eat it. Meat shall now be identified as a collection of cells, so Elon Musk can eat it. Cows, pigs and chickens shall now be identified as human, so the Swedes can eat them. And so they can vote for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, C-NY.
Thankfully, Alaska Jack© has already shown us the way.
I once heard that a woman from New York went into a store and was upset about wool sweaters. “We shouldn’t kill sheep for their wool!”
The salesman responded: “Ma’am, nobody kills sheep for their wool.”
