“Smoking marijuana, eating Cheetos® and masturbating does not constitute plans in my book.” – Breaking Bad
In a constantly downward spiral, Kermit finally found the downside in living his best life.
A few weeks ago my daughter, Alia S. Wilder was in town. We were in the middle of preparing dinner of steak, steak, and more steak for the grill when I saw Alia diving face first into a plate of cookies.
When she came up for air I asked innocently, “I thought you were on the keto diet?”
I did notice a mood change when I was on the keto diet: I got tired of cheese and my only joy in life consisted of watching television shows about murder.
“No, she said, “I’m living my best life.” I could even hear the italics in her voice. It’s amazing how well font choice carries in my kitchen. I think it’s the tile.
John Wilder: “Umm, what exactly does ‘my best life’ mean?” I thought I could tell by context, but I wanted to give her a chance to explain.
Alia S. Wilder: “It’s living your life by being who you are naturally. It’s doing what you want.”
I slowly shook my head. That’s exactly what I thought it was. Cue volcano erupting:
One of the nice things about being a parent is that you can be honest with your children when they are being utterly foolish. This was one of those times.
My first words were: “You know this is going to go into the blog, right?”
Is this why they hold the neighborhood block party when we leave for vacation?
I then started a tirade. As this was the second time that I’d met her boyfriend, you’d think I’d hold back to give a good impression that I was a nice, genteel father who wears cardigan sweaters and puts on loafers and talks to hand puppets as if they were real. You’d be wrong, and I tried the hand puppet thing, but one of my personalities thought it was creepy. No, Mr. Rogers© wasn’t here that night. I let loose with a full broadside worthy of Nelson’s fleet at Trafalgar.
I was a horrible pirate captain. They told me, “The cannon be ready,” and I responded “are.”
“You realize that’s the single stupidest piece of advice you’ve ever been given, right?” I continued, not even having gotten warmed up yet. “It’s the advice a teenager thinks up in the shower and then considers it a deep thought because, well they’re a teenager in middle school, and middle school age children are the single stupidest subspecies ever set loose on planet Earth.” I paused for breath. You need decent lung capacity if you’re going to go into full rage enhanced by spittle.
I continued. “Why is it stupid? Because people are awful. You’re awful. I’m awful. We have to work each minute to NOT do what we’d like, because what we’d like to do, if left only to our own desires is . . . also awful. You, me, every single one of us.”
I could feel the full rolling boil starting.
“Living my best life is the strategy of a three year old that wants to eat an entire box of Oreos® at one sitting and then lie about it and blame the poodle. Living my best life combines all of the worst ideas of abandoning duty, honor, and responsibility in only four words: ‘living my best life.’ Oh, I decided not to work today. I’m living my best life. I decided that I would rather spend my money on avocado-flavored non-fat organic vaping juice rather than baby formula. I’m living my best life. I don’t care if I offended you, I have to speak my truth when living my best life. Oh, I’m sorry Western Civilization, we can’t go back to the Moon and advance the human race to the stars because I’m busy shopping. I’m living my best life.”
What came to my mind during this tirade conversation were the words of the dead French scientist, mathematician, religious philosopher and part-time Uber driver Blaise Pascal:
“Man’s greatness comes from knowing that he is wretched: a tree does not know it is wretched. Thus, it is wretched to know that one is wretched, but there is greatness in knowing that one is wretched.”
In this quote when Pascal wrote “wretched,” he meant, “of inferior quality; bad.”
Follow your nose, it always knows. Specifically all about pressure, mathematics, and designing a computer by the age of 19, in 17th Century France.
Pascal didn’t think mankind was naturally awful, he knew that mankind was naturally awful: prideful, selfish, lustful, mean, and greedy. I’m not sure how Pascal got that idea, maybe he was picked on about nose size when he was in middle school. But he was correct. We’re inferior. But our greatness comes not from that obvious inferior quality, it comes from knowing that you’re awful; and then not being awful.
If we know that we’re awful, we can do something about it. If we think that being awful is okay, that we can live our best life, then it’s an excuse to be awful. In fact, it’s worse than that. Aleister Crowley wrote, “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law,” which has been appropriated by the Church of Satan® and correctly interpreted to mean . . . do whatever you want to do.
Apparently living your best life allows you to dress like Dr. Evil on a regular basis.
One particular website (not gonna given ‘em a link, they’re the first one listed when you Google® “living my best life”) has a list, which includes the following gems of personally corrosive advice on how to live your best life (note, my comments are in italics):
- Do what you want – let your inner three year old make all your decisions.
- Speak your truth – not the truth, your truth since hearing the actual, real truth from other people might make you sad.
- Practice sacred self-love – and everyone should celebrate you for your sacred self-love, since you deserve to live your best life because you suffered so much because of your (INSERT VICTIM STATUS QUALIFICATION HERE).
Not all of the advice on the website was horrible, but most of it was shallower than the gene pool that produced Johnny Depp your typical congressman.
- So, under this philosophy, if I’m fat, the problem isn’t that I’m fat and should have fewer cookies: the problem is the world is fataphobic.
- If I think I’m a cat, the problem isn’t that I’m delusional: the problem is that the world is transspeciesphobic.
- If I think that being an American has nothing to do with the values and norms of the last 300 years: the problem is your problem for being tied to the past.
When the cookies ran out, the monster came out.
So, in summary, living your best life is nothing more than permission to be the very worst person you can be. All that being said, Alia S. Wilder really does make some tasty cookies.
Good friggin golly! Simply amazed at the pirate captain pun. This is why you are paid the big bucks.
Fighting the forces of entropy and enstupidation is a worthy, if endless, cause.
Rust never sleeps.
Yeah, the older I get, the more I understand that phrase. Good one.
Interesting topic, I have been doing a lot of thinking about human nature this week. I have a pretty low opinion of the base human nature and I have rarely been disappointed when meeting people. If you want a troubling thought-experiment, ask yourself what you would be capable of doing if you were 100% guaranteed to get away with it with absolutely no personal repercussions. If doing that doesn’t scare you, you aren’t being honest in your self-assessment.
The whole point of parenting and guiding your kids into adulthood is teaching them to suppress their natural instincts so that we can collectively have a civilized society. It is also the most useful aspect of organized religion. John Adams famously said of our form of government:
“Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.”
As we have become a less moral and less religious people, it is clear how right he was. The people making up “America” today are not suited for individual freedom, instead seeing it as unlimited license to be awful people. The future trend lines are not promising.
If our Constitution had been made “only for a moral and religious people”, we wouldn’t need the system of checks and balances that we have between the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branches. Those who wrote it knew that the President couldn’t be trusted with the power of the King, that Legislatures don’t have the agility to command the military, and that a Court is needed to verify that laws passed by the majority don’t impair the rights of the minority. But this is not to say that it is a system that brings order out of anarchy; efforts to impose it upon other newly independent nations have had mixed results at best. I’d say that it’s a Constitution that allows a “mostly moral” population to resist the damage that could be imposed by a recklessly selfish minority, and it requires constant vigilance to maintain.
No one writing the Constitution was under the illusion that “moral and religious” meant problem free, thus the statement in Federalist #51:
“If men were angels, no government would be necessary. If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on government would be necessary. In framing a government which is to be administered by men over men, the great difficulty lies in this: you must first enable the government to control the governed; and in the next place oblige it to control itself. A dependence on the people is, no doubt, the primary control on the government; but experience has taught mankind the necessity of auxiliary precautions.”
The Founders recognized that they were writing laws for a people who were at least mostly moral, as you put it, but if you could show them a video of the recent brawl at Disney and an average Saturday at Wal-Mart, they would have written a very different document. Or perhaps scrapped the whole idea.
Yes. When I was a kid, if I had gotten in trouble at school, it was double at home. Now? “How dare you accuse my child . . . ”
(sigh)
I had to read the post twice. The first time I was just shaking my head in a level of disbelief I have not had since my kids were in their late teens. I waited a while and then re-read it, concentrating on that pearl of wisdom: “Living my best life”.
Talk about evading the issue. Do you remember the phrase: If it feels good, do it.
Lot’s of unplanned things happen that way like kids, bad financial decisions and a myriad of other complications some of which involve law enforcement and some do not. Only when you stop making excuses for your behavior and easier yet, not doing the things you know you should not; that’s when life becomes manageable and improves.
I suppose that at some time, when Alia S. Wilder wants to pig out on cookies she will just say, I know I shouldn’t but they are sooooo gooooddd! Things are easier for everyone when we tell the truth to ourselves and everyone else.
Yes, the truth is a start – it requires you at least confront the behavior. And, in Alia’s defense, it was a single cookie.
Amazing post. I immediately thought of one of the top lines in the first True Detective series.
“People incapable of regret usually have a pretty good time.”
Keep up the good work.
Thank you – and great (and scary) quote.
You know, reading today’s pearls of wisdom du jour reminds me of another note-worthy quotation. Captain and potential scoundrel LargeMarge is fond of saying:
“That Perfessor John Wilder be wise!”
To which I might add:
“…wise enough to be reproducing!”
[feel free to admonish correctively with a far far better choice of verb. Matey.]
Thanks, Marge! Smiling here! Your verb is perfect.
Forgive me, sir, but my Inner Grammar Nazi seems to want to burst forth and live his best life by gently suggesting that you wanted to “cue” that erupting volcano, not “queue” it. Erupting volcanoes generally don’t respond well to anyone telling them to stand in line. They, too, are eager to live their best lives.
I have chastised my editor. Sadly, I can’t fire him. Fixed. And thank you ‐ I like getting these posts error free.
You have a good daughter, there, if she is willing to listen rather than take offense.
She is. She was laughing during my whole tirade (which really wasn’t much different than the as-written version). I’m actually quite proud of the way she’s living her life now. Probably should edit the above to add that.
“I got tired of cheese…”
If I might paraphrase from Douglas Adams’ iconic ‘Hitchhiker’s’ oeuvre, ‘When you are tired of cheese, you are tired of life.’
Not at all familiar with this ‘best life now’ nonsense, but keto, complete with unlimited cheese, cream, bacon and beef, has literally saved me and my bride from our former futile low-fat hell. Love your blog, John Wilder, but don’t be dissin’ the cheese. Even in jest.
Since there aren’t enough ‘Chuck’ variants among your small, but select commentariat, allow me to introduce my own bad self, nick-named for that fine, modestly-priced vintage once available from your local Trader Joes, Two Buck Chuck.
I’m not really tired of cheese, though sometimes dill pickles get a bit old. And I am fully on board with keto – it works if you have the discipline and I fully subscribe to it. I just started to rationalize that beer was carb free, and, well . . . .
Welcome, TwoBuckChuck!!!
“Living your best life” brings to mind the lure of anarchy. No government, no taxes, no responsibility, indulgences without regret, and living in total freedom. It’s all fun, until you realize your friends aren’t the ones with the machetes, and a total disregard for human life. Of course, you can make new friends, but then again, they might not want new friends.
Yup. All liberty and no responsibility makes Jack a member of a gang from Road Warrior.
Wow.
Americans have gone stark-raving mad.
Nazis and Communists scream Libertarians care about trifling issues, but Libertarians aren’t the ones who who want to regulate teakwood.
Americans say Nazism is the American way because Communism killed more people.
Americans swear remaining quiet is the answer to tyranny.
Americans scream Libertarians are Commies.
Americans insist owning tigers must be illegal because tigers will go extinct, but people now own cats and dogs. Do pet owners have a vested interest in killing their own cats and dogs?
Americans are so retarded today that they say shoes are made by the government.
Americans insist that you are still moral when you cheat on your wife if you are not bisexual.
Americans have become so batshit insane now that they insist anyone wearing a costume, badge, and a gun is a holy god, but do the Gestapo ever make mistakes?
Why should anyone care if you own guns, use prostitutes, go to church, or smoke?
Have Americans ever read a history book before?
Americans have become such pussified snowflakes now that they beg their beloved government overlords to protect them from scary illegal immigrants and guns.
The USA had open borders before, why not now? Do you really think that the US never had black people before today?
If banning guns will stop people from shooting others, will outlawing murder stop homicides?
The government regulates airlines, but do airplanes still crash?
Americans are simply unable to understand that decrees have unintended consequences.
China used to say all birds must be killed, but then insects multiplied and lead to starvation.
China used to say that the population must grow, but population growth lead to a one child policy. Now China doesn’t have enough young people and the sex ratio is lopsided because boys outnumber girls.
Americans start wars and are then stunned that there are refugees, terrorism, tyranny, and debt.
The US bans business and then Americans are shocked when homelessness increases.
The US starts a trade war and then Americans are completely dumbfounded that no one buys US exports and prices soar.
Americans say coffee must be banned because it is dangerous, but what if an expert wrote a study saying coffee is safe?
Could there possibly be any other way to other way to help the environment besides arresting users of straws?
Americans scream seatbelts must be mandatory because accidents raise insurance costs, but if insurance rates are so important then why not ban skydiving, rope, swimming pools, and ladders, too?
Do Americans who hate freedom feel like traitors?