Exclusive: Hunter Biden’s Secret Diary

“Look, you’re corrupt, we’re corrupt. There’s one difference. We’re honest about it.” – Get the Gringo

If Hunter ever goes to jail, I hope he names his prison memoir Biden Time.

We here at Wilder, Wealthy, and Wise® have come across a huge scoop:  we have found the diaries of Hunter Biden from grade school all the way up to last week.  They were left on the doorstop of our law firm, Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe with a note that said, “Too hot for James O’Keefe!  Good luck, Johnny, I’m your biggest fan! – J.”

Cataloging the material was difficult, and there were times where I became concerned.  Later pages were covered with powdery substances, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to be in trouble with the DEA if they raided Stately Wilder Manor.  No problem – my dog, Foreshadowing, ate them and then ran around the house 43 times.  Then all of Foreshadowing’s teeth fell out and checks from Ukrainian mobsters started showing up in my mailbox.

I’ve skipped much of the information in the diaries, since it’s probably good to keep what happens between a man, his dog, seventeen Filipino hookers and a jar of peanut butter private.  Of course, none of that happened, which is why I’m grateful the word “parody” exists.

July, 1977

I wanted my dad to take me to see starwars agin but he said know because dad said that he was woried we’d grow up in a raciall jungle.  I like jungles!  I talked with Beau, and Beau told me to shut up because I was too stupid to understand.  I said, no, Im seven so I know wat a jungle is, but Beau said I had brain damage.  I think I wanna coke.

June, 1988

Holy cow, boys, having your dad running for president is just friggin’ awesome!  I was busted in Jersey with a bunch of drugs.  I just flashed my driver’s license.  Biden, bitches!  It cracks me up that the old man is all “let’s get tough on drugs” but when I get bussssted, nada happens.  Old man says that he’ll make a phone call.  Cracks me up when dad says in speeches that all drug users should be held accountable.  Ha!  Unless your name is Biden.  Bitches!

In a dictatorship in Africa, we’d call this corruption.  Here?  We don’t talk about it.

June, 1994

So, dad explains it this way.  My grades at Georgetown were crap, but he pulled strings and got me into Georgetown law, which sucks, because Georgetown is so low rent.  Of course, Beau had to go to dad’s alma mater, Syracuse.  Today, it all changed!  Apparently, dad had Bill Clinton call the dean, Guido Calabresi (seriously Goodfellas vibes) at Yale, and I can transfer from Georgetown to Yale!  Dad says that since I’m a Biden, well, “don’t worry about grades, son” and I won’t!  Woooo!  Yale!  It’s awesome to have the name Biden, bitches!!!

May, 2001

So, here I am at a law firm.  My law firm!  It’s called Oldaker, Biden and Belair.  Join the firm, get your name on the door!  How awesome is that?  I think it’s because . . . I’m a Biden, bitches!  Partner in one.  The other thing is that absolutely no one here cares about how much you drink or how many drugs you do.  Drink after lunch to take the edge off?  Fine.  My name’s on the door.  Parties?  Plenty of those, and the booze and, well, other things flow freely.  I think I’m in heaven.

I love putting on warm underwear, fresh from the dryer.  I then look around the laundromat and wonder who it belongs to.

September, 2008

Dad says I have to quit working as a lobbyist because Obummer said so.  Dad said that being vice president was way better than being senator, so I have to stop doing God’s work, lobbying for online gambling, biotechnology companies, and colleges wanting federal funds, I mean, the most needy and moral people.  I’m so sad.

February 19, 2014

Kicked out of the Navy Reserve today.  Dad and I had a discussion, which means he yelled at me.  “You idiot, you understood you were getting a drug test, right?  And that coke is only detectable for a day or two, right?  The head of the Joint Chiefs said that, and I quote, you had enough cocaine in your urine to qualify your urine as a controlled substance.”  Yeah, it was bad.  Not bad?  My company, Rosemont Seneca Thornton, just got $3,500,000 sent to us from a Russian dude!  Why?  We’re not sure, but all I have to say is . . . Bidenz, Bitches!!!!

2014 was a very good year.

April, 2014

New job, new job, new job!  This one has me being on the Board of Directors of some company in Ukraine.  I think they make chlorine gas or helium gas or something.  The best part?  My salary.  $1,000,000.  A year!  Bidenz, Bitches!  Ha!  Best part?  I’m not sure I have to do anything!

April 14, 2017

My life has kinda been a haze since I got the job at Buriisma.  Or however you spell it.  A million bucks a year, but they cut my salary to half after dad was no longer veep.  Dammit.  Why couldn’t he have beaten Aunt Hillary?  I think dad was scared, something about, “Don’t cross Hillary, that’s worse than the Chicago Mob.”  But today I finally got divorced.  Kathy was always upset about the cocaine and the crack and the Filipino prostitutes, but I think it was the video of the dog that got to her.  She said, “Hunter, that’s enough.  We’re done here.”  I didn’t mention that Beau’s widow was looking pretty fine at the funeral . . . I wonder if that’s what finally put her over the edge?  Or the fact that I was bangin’ Beau’s babe was on the front page of Page Six®?

Hunter’s date didn’t like bottles, she only liked it in the can.

August, 2018

Stripper?  Arkansas?  My kid?  Jeez, how much crack did I do that night?

April, 2019

So, my laptop is broken.  I think I dropped it off to get fixed, but I was so high that I’m not sure I did that or maybe the laptop ran away.  I think the running away part was a dream.  Regardless, what bad could come of that?

May, 2019

Met a girl, six days later we’re married.  This will turn out well – Biden, Bitches!

October, 2020

Guess they found the laptop.  Thankfully, all the CIA dudes signed a thing that said it wasn’t really mine.  Whew!  Dad would be mad about that if it was.  I guess I believe the CIA guys, except a lot of those pictures look really familiar.

July, 2022

My art has done awesome!  I must be good at art!  My paintings have sold for lots of money!  So far it’s over $1,300,000 for like 11 of them.  It’s not as good as Buriisma money, but it’s still pretty good.  I mean, some of those paintings took me hours to make.  One person bought almost $900,000 of them.  I’m not sure if she’s the one that dad appointed to that special commission, but, whatever.  I’m an artist.  Biden, bitches!

Shooting down the Chinese balloon is the only thing Biden has done to stop inflation.

June, 2023

My lawyer says I’m not in any trouble anymore.  Turns out that he knows the DOJ guy and they have a deal worked out for special people like me that I can just claim I’ll pay my taxes in the future, and won’t buy anymore guns while all coked up.  Excellent deal, plus they said they put in a sweetener – gets me immunity from essentially anything I’ve ever done up to now.  Bidenz, Bitches!!!!

August, 2023

That stupid judge threw out my special deal.  Dad says it will be fine, though.  The same guy who negotiated it for the DOJ is now a “special prosecutor” which means that he “especially” won’t be prosecuting me for anything.  And I have a child support deal that makes sure that Arkansas stripper’s kid gets some of my paintings.  Sure!  I can do about sixty of those a day!

You know, sometimes I like to reflect back on my life.  I wonder if I would be an asset to society if I were living a clean, sober, honest life and financially supporting my children while not snorting enough drugs to paralyze Robert Downey, Jr while getting into less trouble for federal felonies than the average man would if they were arrested for jaywalking.

Nah.