Recession? Depression? Oppression? At least there are Bikinis.

“In 1930, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, in an effort to alleviate the effects of the . . . anyone, anyone?  The Great Depression, passed the . . . anyone, anyone?  The tariff bill?  The Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act?” – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

wintercoming

Did George R.R. Martin study economics?  It certainly looks like he’s studied bratwurst.

Not that there’s anything to see here (yet) and I don’t want to go around spreading panic, but I just thought I’d dust off some information about recessions.  And depressions.  No particular reason.  Nope.  Just stretching my legs.

What is a recession?

A recession is a period of time when the economy gets a little smaller for at least six months or so.  Generally, the recessions of the past have seen the economy drop by no more than 5% in any three month period.  When you look at the numbers, even most years when there is a recession, the economy still grows overall.

gdp

Looks like this would be a good comb for Dwayne Johnson (The Rock®), or a really complicated game of Tetris®. 

The blue areas are the economic growth.  The red?  Contraction.  The average recession length since 1945 has been about 10 months, and the average economic expansion has lasted about five and a half years.  The general idea is that the economy is based on constant growth.

How much of the economy is geared to growth?

I’m not sure, but I estimated it using publicly available figures.  I guessed that 2/3 of construction work was geared towards growth, 20% of manufacturing, 10% of retail (Home Despot® and such), 20% of finance (can’t build if you don’t have cash), and 20% of hotel/restaurant jobs.  I did the math, and that comes out to 12,000,000 jobs.  How close was that?  It’s roughly 10% of the workforce, and unemployment can hit 10% after a recession.  So, as a first guess it’s probably not too bad.  12,000,000 jobs, at minimum are required for growth.  And those same jobs disappear when growth disappears.

But even with the economic hardship and dislocation, recessions are good.  Think of a small, quick fire in a forest.  After the dead brush piles up, clearing out the underbrush makes the forest stronger.  The strong trees survive, but the weak and rotten trees get burned down.  In this part of the Midwest, a regular feature of forest management is a burn off – some places do it every three years or so.  The fires are always small, and the danger of a larger fire goes away because all of the dead wood is consumed, but we do keep a supply of elephants on hand to stamp out the burning ducks.  Just in case.

Bad businesses fail during a recession.  Those on life support go away – they clear the way for growth and good, strong businesses to take their place – the end of a recession is a time of renewal, much like in Hollywood® when the Plastic Surgery Fairy drops by the homes of all good actors and actresses on George Clooney’s birthday.

A depression, however, is a wildfire in a forest that’s built up dead wood and standing dead trees for decades after a gasoline rainstorm.  Wildfires burn out of control.  Whatever is in the path gets burned.  Healthy trees?  Doesn’t matter – the inferno takes them along with the dead wood and no amount of well-trained ducks can stamp the flames out.

Healthy business?  Doesn’t matter.  Business failures start, and then cascade.  People panic, and hold onto money.  Companies panic and hold onto money.  One sign of a depression (besides a sudden drop in male underwear sales – this really happens) is that debt levels actually go down.  People don’t buy anything during a depression – they never know when they’ll be able to replace the money that they have.  Debt levels also drop because the debts are written off – bankruptcy is another way to lower debt levels.

What causes a depression?  A Soviet by the name of Nikolai Kondratiev had an economic theory – namely that the business cycle we stupid capitalists kept running into was based on debt and that the capitalists were stupid and over the course of decades would forget that debt was, you know, bad.  Lenin loved him, but Stalin?  Not so much, especially after a communist-sympathizing professor at the University of Minnesota ratted him out to Soviet authorities for a visit with an anti-communist when Kondratiev visited the University of Minnesota.

kondratievumn

Minnesota has been a leftist state for a long time.  Wondering if we could trade it to China for a box of magic beans?  Or regular beans?  Or an I.O.U.?

It’s debatable whether or not Kondratiev’s economic theory is correct, but it certainly fits the technologically-driven cycles of debt and discovery that lead to boom and bust that we’ve seen in the United States over the last three centuries.

kondgraph

I told The Mrs. I would use these graph-ruled index cards.  See, I told you I would.  Bonus:  thinking about girls wearing bikinis.

Let’s talk about the economic cycle.  (That was one of my best pick-up lines in college, but I would add “baby” at the end to make it totally sexy.  Because, really, who isn’t put in the mood by discussion of aggregate economic activity?)

So, let’s talk about the economic cycle, baby.

In Spring, new businesses are formed.  As economic activity expands, existing businesses expand.  Optimism is the atmosphere.  And, since debt is low (and people don’t want debt), there is money to buy stuff.  And stuff is relatively cheaply as the currency gained a lot of power during the deflationary winter.  Social cohesion and trust in newly-rebuilt institutions is high.  And it’s nearly bikini weather!  Think 1945 to 1965 in the United States.

spring

I’m sorry.

Summer=bikinis!  Who needs anything else?  Oh, and also relaxation, and growth, and profits, and expansion.  The greatest degree of questing for personal growth and whatever hippy course you want to take to validate yourself occurs in summer.  The focus on strong institutions passes – but the quest for self-gratification takes over, and it really doesn’t matter because inertia in the economy keeps things going.  1965-1985 is representative of Summer.

bikini

I’m really sorry.

Harvest happens in Fall.  You could call it Autumn if you have to be all East Coast, but if you do, I’ll call it Efterår, which is Danish for Fall and sounds like what a Viking could yell it at you before you got totally pillaged.  But Fall is a great analogy since at this stage the economy is harvested.  All the work that went on in Spring to prepare for economic success, all the growth that took place in the Summer, well, it’s time to harvest it in Fall.  And greed is good, right?  And debt hasn’t hurt us for the last fifty years, so, please, have as much debt as you can eat.  Yup, you got it.  1985-2005.

oktoberfest

Okay, does this make it better?  And, Oktoberfest is in fall.  Or efterår.

And now?  If Kondratiev was right, Winter.  The last Winter in the United States was the Great Depression, which lasted 253 years if you listened to my Grandma.  But the Winter was difficult – debt collapse, financial panic, bank failures, tariffs, plant closings, unemployment, greater government control of the economy, breadlines, and no bikinis at all.  Oh, and war brought about by the crisis.  If Kondratiev is right, this would last from (roughly) 2005 to 2025.

grandma

Oh, sure, she has to top every story.  But she also dated Andrew Jackson when he was just a kid.

velocity

This graph shows the velocity of money – how it moves in the economy.  It’s clear that we’re in a place where money isn’t moving as fast as it used to throughout our economy – it’s at a record low since we’ve been measuring it.  The low velocity is not because everyone is wealthy, it’s because tons of dead dollars sit on the books of various banking institutions.  We’ve also pumped massive amounts of money into the system:

moneysupply

Now, if that money starts moving around like it used to, and there’s bunches of it . . . nah, that wouldn’t lead to inflation, would it? 

Kondratiev’s cycle is roughly as long as a human life – which makes sense.  Like a bad Arkansas carnival ride, you have to forget what you learned in the cycle in order to want to repeat it.  Kondratiev’s work was also picked up by Strauss and Howe in their bestselling book The Fourth Turning.  It’s a good book, and in some cases it almost reads like prophecy (it came out in 1997).  I’d toss a link to the book up here, but you can figure this one out, or at least your Mom told me you could.  She also said you could dress yourself, but she was pretty worried about your diet.

Depressions bring down banking systems, currencies, and governments – from Weimar Germany to the Russian Revolution.  The chaos from just a financial mess can last for decades.  But during the 17th Century in Europe, things got even worse:

The massive quantity of silver and gold that the Spanish brought back from the New World distorted the economy of all of Europe, leading to inflation.  But then, the Maunder Minimum (LINK) hit.  The Maunder Minimum, a decrease in the overall output of the Sun, added poor harvests and exceptionally cold winters to inflation.  The regular resources that Europe depended on became scarce.   When accompanied by resource constraints like Europe during the Maunder Minimum in the 17th Century, the chaos can last for a century.  I wonder what it would look like if oil were much more expensive?  (But that’s a future post.)

I think that we were pretty close to a financial system collapse back in 2008-2009.  The solution was to pump astonishing amounts of money into the financial system leading to distortions that have caused commodity prices like oil and grain to lead to the Egyptian revolution and the Syrian revolution, all while we wage wars in two countries.  I don’t think our financial system is remotely fixed at this point – debt continues to rise.  It’s up to $70 trillion dollars – thankfully that’s only about a million dollars of debt for each family of four.  We can work that down in a year or two, right, if we cut back on going out for dinner?

fredgraph

The kink in the curve?  That was what caused a worldwide recession and panic in 2008 and 2009.  Hope nothing changes.  Debt’s good, right?

Is there a draft in here?  Seems chilly.  Winter’s coming, I think.

The Caravan:  Warfare by Other Means

“Don’t worry, man.  Those aren’t narcs, they’re Las Emigras; you know, the Immigration Service looking for illegal aliens.” – Up in Smoke

crossback

Who knew that would be the impact of that one little change? (H/T me.me LINK)

The Caravan on our southern border is an expression of war, and it’s abetted by collaborators right here in the United States.  Or at least in Chicago, which I hear shares a border with the United States.

I’ll explain.

We live in an era dominated by 4th Generation warfare, and have been living in that era since Vietnam.  The “Caravan” of illegal aliens on the southern border of the United States is a concerted attack on the United States using 4th Generation warfare techniques.

Huh?  What the heck is 4th Generation warfare?

Don’t worry – I’ll explain.  I’m a trained professional member of Blog Club™, and the first rule of Blog Club™ is to mention your blog whenever possible – this thing won’t market itself.  Regardless, don’t try this at home or you might end up with and adverb slammed up your philtrum.  To understand what the 4th Generation is, let’s move back in time and understand the first three generations.  These descriptions follow concepts originally developed by William S. Lind (LINK).

In the 1st Generation of warfare, Lind picks the formation of the Treaty of Ghent as his starting point.  Or maybe it was the Simpson’s Treaty of Springfield and Shelbyville.  Regardless of what treaty it was, it essentially took warfare out of the control of small feudal lords and placed primary conduct of war in the smooth clammy fish-like hands of nation-states.  Since warfare back then consisted of cannons, very inaccurate muskets, and lots and lots and lots of dudes, the height of military strategy consisted of lines and masses of men moving to fight lines and masses of men.  It (sort of) made sense.  The muskets were crappy, so everybody shooting all at the same time was a good way to kill the enemy.  Besides, the cannons were inaccurate, too, and needed big targets to shoot at.  Napoleon was certainly the best general of 1st Generation warfare, but, you know, that whole “don’t get involved in a land war in Asia” started with him.  He won lots of battles, but lost the war.  Twice.

napoleon

2nd Generation warfare showed up when machine guns and accurate artillery made standing up in huge masses of dudes a certain prescription to lose the battle and also lose all of your pesky taxpaying citizens who used to be alive.  The real innovation of the 2nd Generation was “hiding” from the machine guns and artillery.  The Civil War in the United States started as a 1st Generation war, and finished with aspects of the 2nd Generation.  The trench warfare during the First World War was the height of 2nd Generation warfare, proving to be an even better way to eliminate your own citizens than standing them up in a line.

dibs

Guess that’s a last tag with Todd.

ktinder

The Kaiser is still on Myspace.  Sad.

The 3rd Generation of war incorporated mobility and the idea that the most rapid gains were based on combining infantry, armor, artillery and air power into a war of motion and position.  The German Blitzkrieg, literally meant “lightning war”, which is probably a good description for the 3rd Generation.  The French had ended 2nd Generation warfare by perfecting it – they created the Maginot Line, a series of fixed fortifications.  This forced the Germans to invent an entirely new method of war to defeat it.

During and after World War II, the United States perfected this 3rd Generation warfare – learning every lesson that the Germans could teach.  And then spending trillions of dollars to perfect an armed forces that is perfectly designed to win World War II.  Again.

panzerfest

Those panzers won’t fuel themselves!

The 4th Generation of warfare started in the latter part of the Vietnam War.  4th Generation warfare strikes at the legitimacy of the state.  Tanks, bombs, and mobility don’t count.  The idea is to win the war without (necessarily) winning any battle.  Whereas the 1st Generation of warfare arrived with the nation-state, the 4th Generation arises as people around the world cease to identify as citizens and begin to primarily identify with tribal, racial, religious or cause-based allegiances.  And yes, you can make the argument that Julius Caesar faced the same sort of guerilla tactics when he invaded Britain, but he didn’t have PNN© (Parchment News Network) showing photographs of the slaughter.  Pics or it didn’t happen.

picts

H/T:  Weapons and Warfare (LINK)

What are some examples of 4th Generation warfare?

  • The Intifada: Palestinians use children to attack Israeli soldiers, hoping for an Israeli soldier to kill the children for an awesome photo opportunity.  Palestinian leaders then launch rockets and missiles at Israel from hospitals and schools, again hoping for as much of their followers blood to be spilled as possible.  Israeli victory depends on . . . not killing these kids.
  • Mogadishu: The warlords walked the streets, surrounded by women and children, again knowing that an American Marine is not going to shoot up non-combatants to get to a bad guy.
  • Antifaâ„¢: To the mother that left her kids out in Berkeley, could you come pick them up?  They’re beating up both Antifa® and the police.
  • The Caravan.

Wait, what?  The Caravan?

Illegal aliens strike at the heart of the nation-state.  If a nation isn’t allowed to control its borders, then how is it a nation?  And there is a group of people inside the United States that are collaborators with the invasion.  They deny that borders should even exist.  An example of tweets from #abolishborders:

  • Shooting teargas at women and children is not “border security”. It’s terrorism.
  • Guess it wasn’t enough for the U.S. government to throw children in concentration camps. This is beyond inhumane. All dirt is the same, and free movement is a human right.

Military force is ineffective against an invasion like the Caravan.  Scenes of violence against unarmed people on TV is powerful propaganda against the middle portion of the United States population that can be swayed to support the aliens.  Imagine the sympathy fest as weepy single moms emote on their way to drop off Brayden, Jayden, Hayden, Aiden and Kirk to their dad who lives in a one-room apartment above the pool hall hear the news on NPR®.  How sad!

Von Clausewitz talked about war being waged on three levels:

  • Physical – Breaking stuff and killing people and taking land.
  • Mental – Making the enemy think what you want them to think. Confusing them.
  • Moral – You have to believe that what you’re fighting for is right, just and correct.

Most military thinkers through the ages (including that French dude, Napoleon) feel that the moral level of war is the most crucial.  If you think what you’re doing is wrong and evil, it’s probably a good bet you’re going to lose.  And if the people back home think you’re evil?  Well, we have Vietnam where news that was looking to support a narrative convinced the majority of the American people that we were on the wrong side morally in the war.  So, we declared victory and left the communists to win.

What if you decide you’re the bad guy?

But there are 4th Generation collaborators on the inside of the United States right now.  A primary organizer of the Caravans is the United States based organization Pueblo Sin Fronteras.  Started by leftist Emma Lozano, this organization is also affiliated with La Familia Latina Unida (LFLU, “The United Latin Family”), and Ms. Lozano is virulently against the United States, noting, “We ride for freedom from our oppressors and we don’t say, ‘please, accept us, we are good workers,’ and make contributions, and wave the U.S. flag.  We know our history – half of the entire United States was originally Mexico.  We have every right to be here.”

According to an email obtained by the Washington Times:

Lozano told supporters that “we will march and run our own Latino independent candidate for president of the United States.” When a staffer for Rep. Gutierrez announced that the congressman wasn’t interested in running for president, Lozano responded that “we’re obligating him to run, we’re not asking him. We’re in a war and when you’re in a war you fight. We’re drafting him.”

You can find much more about Emma here (LINK) or through a casual Google® search.  Based on everything I can find about Ms. Lozano, I would expect that she’s in favor of a racially-based communism that results in the destruction of the United States as we know it and lots of free stuff for people she likes.  And lots of concentration leisure camps for the rest of us.  Free RV parking!

Ms. Lozano is a general in a 4th Generation war.  She is actively seeking to abolish the United States – by directly replacing its people with people that she likes better.  And these activists seek photo opportunities that allow them to establish moral superiority.  I watched footage where a Mexican police officer said (more or less, I’m going from memory):  “Please, please don’t put your women and children in front like this man,” pointing to an activist, “tells you to do.  It’s dangerous.  And he doesn’t care about you or your children.  I’m begging you, don’t put your children up front.”  Pueblo Sin Fronteras is certainly willing to sacrifice your children for a cool photo.

How an organization that encourages and abets breaking the law (Pueblo Sin Fronteras) can operate and not be indicted based on conspiracy charges is beyond me – if this were a right-wing organization I believe the organizers would have been taken to the International Space Station just so they could be shoved out of an airlock as a lesson to others that embarrassing the state is simply not an option.  I guess that I’m forced to conclude that Pueblo Sin Fronteras is doing exactly what government wants them to do.

These activists want pictures of children that were bloodied and killed at the hands of the United States government, and will stop at nothing to get them.  They want to break down the moral will of the United States so that open borders are allowed.  Rather than attempting to take over Dallas at the head of an army, they want to influence the families of the people who live in Dallas to surrender as they never would to what this really is:  a leftist invasion based on an ideology of open borders.

americaclosed

But the logic for open borders is easy to refute:

  • How many people would move to the United States if they could? The answer is:  several billion.  This is simply not realistic.  Where would we keep them?  Does California have a closet and a spare bedroom we don’t know about?
  • Moving all the Guatemalans here doesn’t make Guatemala better – it just makes the United States into Guatemala. Where I live, nobody locks their doors.  In Guatemala?  Locked doors aren’t enough.  You can even argue that, after a point, it does the people who move here no benefit as the system breaks down and the benefits they looked for disappear.  This may be the reason that California is the New Mississippi – the greatest poverty rate in the nation.
  • The values and cultural norms that made the United States great aren’t the values of the invaders. Conscious or not, invasion by an unassimilated alien culture leads to the destruction of the American culture and norms.  And the big value generation-device that our economy has been for 120 years ceases to work.  We become poor.

In order to win this war:

  • The aliens must be gently, firmly, and quickly be sent home.
  • We must stop supporting them with cash if they are here.
  • We must make life here so unhelpful that they voluntarily deport themselves.
  • We must not give their nations cash if they keep coming here.
  • We must stop cash flowing from individuals to their home country.
  • We can help their home countries to build industries and meaningful jobs.
  • If the people like, heck, we could come in and run the country for them since they seem to suck at running countries and we seem to be good at it. Is illegal immigration really the best argument for colonization ever?
  • We must win at the mental and moral levels.

We are in a war.  Are we ready to fight?  Because I don’t think that the 5th Generation of war will be quite as nice as the 4th . . . .

Why Are You Mad At Your Computer? It Doesn’t Care. Plus: A Deeply Meaningful Poem

“They would’ve learned to wear skins, adopted stoic mannerisms, learned the bow and the lance.” – Star Trek

hardwood

Okay, it was really only one color.  But it was a LOT of ink.  Staining and painting.  Stainting?

I rarely saw Pop Wilder mad at any living human being, at least I rarely saw him mad after I reached the age of ten.  And I assure you that I deserved it every single time he was mad at me – drawing on the hardwood floor in ink under my bed wasn’t a particularly popular move – especially since Ma and Pop only discovered it the night before we were supposed to be out of the house so that the new owners could move in.

Oops.

Perhaps his even temper with people was learned.  After being in banking for decades (and having me around for years), I imagine he’d seen everything, including frogs swimming in the World War I helmet his father wore.  It might be that he believed the worst of people, and that way when they weren’t horrible, they pleasantly surprised him, and when he found ink on his hardwood floor and the family photo album soaking in the bathroom sink (I promise I had a good reason)?  Or spray painted the fender of his brand-new car?  Well, that was to be expected.

So, Pop Wilder was a mild and even tempered man and perhaps even a saint for not killing me.  The one exception to him getting angry was that he would get mad at . . . things.  Chainsaws.  Cars.  Snow machines.  The blinking light on his VCR.  In fact, the only time I ever heard him drop the f-bomb was when he was referring to his computer.  He said it not long after I’d introduced him to the future The Mrs., and in her presence.  “It’s . . . it’s all f****d up.”  Honoring Pop Wilder’s tone and frustration make it a form of punctuation in our house when things have just gone completely wrong but in a comical and hopeless manner.

But what I do know is this:  the computer didn’t care.

fbomb

Ahh, the United States Swear Force in action.

Dead Roman Marcus Aurelius nailed it when he wrote, “Pray to change yourself, not your circumstances.”  Marcus wasn’t referring to what was in his control.  Being an Emperor of Rome, Marcus could control a lot of things, but that’s not what frustrated him.  No, Marcus was referring to those things he couldn’t control.  Marcus was going to grow old and die, and he couldn’t change that.  Marcus would be resurrected as shoe salesman in Savannah, and he couldn’t change that, either.  Marcus wanted to change himself so he took those things that he couldn’t control and not react to them.  Why complain about gravity?

stonehead

Marcus Aurelius, with a hipster beard before it was cool.

The computer doesn’t care that you’re mad at it.  The computer won’t change if you speak harshly to it, though I hear Bezos is working on a computer that will buy random things from Amazon® that it knows you won’t like, just to spite you if you’re mean to it.  Honestly, most people don’t care if you’re mad at them, either.  The real secret is, however, that most things simply do not matter on any sort of cosmic scale.  I even wrote you, dear Internet, a poem about that:

The Unblinking Stars

The stars looked down.
When Julius Caesar was born, they looked down.
When Caesar defeated the Gaul, they looked down.
When Caesar died, they looked down.

For every man, for every empire.
The stars looked down.
Unblinking.

When continents split, and then recombined.
The stars looked down.
Nearly eternal.

At every time, at ever place,
Every ambition, every love.
Every betrayal.  Every loyalty.
The stars looked down.

Looking up at them, seeing into eternity.
I gasp.  I wonder.  I check the router.
Oh, good.  The Internet’s back up.
I wonder what just happened on Twitter?

spacekeys

I think that what sets us up to become angry about a situation is contained entirely within ourselves – there’s a way that we think the world should be, and when the world refuses to be that way, we get angry.  And the world doesn’t completely conform to anyone’s hopes and dreams.  From time to time, even I end up comparing my life to someone else’s life.  But I do this particularly awful thing:  I compare what they’re best at, to my accomplishments in the same arena.  Let’s take the business guy I knew.  He had tens of millions of dollars, a house in the mountains, and even a vintage fighter airplane.  I don’t have tens of millions of dollars, a house in the mountains, or any airplane that’s not a model kit that I made when I was a kid.

There’s a lot to envy, isn’t there?  I even think he had a pretty good marriage and smart kids.

Oh, and he’s dead.  And he died in a really dramatic fashion that probably left his widow with nearly no money after the lawsuit and attorney’s fees.  So if I’m going to be envious, I have to be envious of the whole person, not some small aspect of their lives.  It’s a big world and someone, somewhere has it all better than you.  They’re smarter than you, slimmer than you, with a really close, cool family.

And I’m okay with that, too.

One thing that helped me through my own personal envy was . . . cars.  When I lived in Houston, there were really nice cars everywhere.  And by nice, I mean cars that are worth more than my house.  I felt envy.  Then I thought about the car payment that they had to make (I read somewhere that most Mercedes® on the road are not paid for – they’re for show).  That made my four-year-old dad-four door car that I’d bought used seem a LOT better than the Mercedes® driven by the 27 year-old at the stop light next to me.

bitcoin

If you’re a billionaire crime-fighting superhero that found an amulet that gives you super powers but also covers your body in reptilian scales while flying screaming skulls follow you around?  I suppose it’s okay if you buy yourself something nice every once in a while.

To recap:

  • The situation doesn’t care. Don’t get mad at it, especially if it’s beyond your control.
  • Most things really don’t matter – don’t get hung up on the trivia of now.
  • If you won’t remember it next year? It’s probably meaningless.  Don’t sweat it.
  • Don’t compare yourself to others, unless they’re clearly awful in everything compared to you. Then gloat.
  • Expect that your children will destroy thousands and thousands of dollars of your property and at least a dozen priceless, irreplaceable heirlooms. And burn the counter with hot macaroni.  And write on the bathroom walls.  And . . . oh, wait, those were my kids . . .

Wait, what?  I’m Pop Wilder now.  When did that happen?

“Be so good they can’t ignore you.”-Steve Martin Plus? A sniper joke.

“Cash, every movie costs $2,184.” – Bowfinger

wildncrazy

I made this one up for fun when working on this post.  The Mrs. laughed so hard . . . I had to use it.  A link here (LINK) for the age impaired.  Link is probably PG-13.

“Be so good they can’t ignore you.”

That was what Steve Martin said when he was being interviewed by now unpersoned Charlie Rose and Rose asked what advice Martin would give to a young person.

Martin continued, “ . . . it’s not the answer they want to hear.”

It isn’t.

People want easy.  People want lottery money.  People want step-by-step guides, complete with phone numbers and instructions on how to become rich and famous.  And they want Steve Martin to do it for them.  Now please, we’re waiting.

Face it:  people want free stuff, not hard work and risk.

I can’t imagine that Steve Martin wants anything for free – he wasn’t raised that way.  He’s been a comedian, musician, screenwriter, playwright, and actor.  He’s been more successful at each of these than almost any person on the planet.  When you combine these successes, Martin starts to look less like an entertainer and more like a National Treasure©.  Maybe a National Treasure® we should keep in Tupperware® and wrapped in the good paper towels so we don’t scratch him.  We’ll get him out when company comes over.

But Steve’s success wasn’t free.  In his book, Born Standing Up, Martin talks about his road to comedy, “I did standup comedy for eighteen years.  Ten of those years were spent learning, four were spent refining, and four were spent in wild success.”  This is what those of a certain political persuasion call unearned overnight success.  It is obvious that this success was a result of Martin’s comedic privilege, because it takes a village to raise a comedian.

The concept of spending hours and hours, day after day, year after year seems a bit quaint now, when participation trophies assure every wonderful child that they’ll be successful no matter what.  What seemed fresh and new in his comedy routine when his wild success began was in reality the result of work, study, and effort that took fourteen years.  And he didn’t even have to “accidentally” release a sex tape to make it happen.

Did Martin know that his hard work would make him an icon known all the way around the world, worth millions of dollars?  Probably not.  Although it’s also certain that he didn’t wake up one morning and say, “Omigosh, there’s been some sort of error – where did all this money and stuff come from?”  And that line is comedy gold if you read it in Steve Martin’s voice.

Certainly, Steve Martin didn’t and doesn’t appeal to everyone – his persona of an entertainer that’s “just really bad at it” falls flat with certain people.  But Martin’s dedicated work created a skill set that appealed to enough people that Martin has true freedom – to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.  At one point in Born Standing Up, Martin talks about how stand up became difficult for him when doing huge stadium shows – but he didn’t stop.  There were “too many zeros,” in his paychecks. So, he died an unremembered failure.

No, just kidding.  His next project, a movie called The Jerk, made $180,000,000, despite costing only $2,184 to make.  That was his next step.

I realize that there’s a difference between writing whatever comes to mind and working hard every day, every post, so that today’s writing is better than yesterday’s writing.  And that next week I’ll be better yet.  And that my writing strikes a resonance somewhere, with someone.  It creates value.

adams

This is true.  I still swoon when I think of it.

And getting good at any craft is not entirely straightforward.  Scott Adams (LINK) uses eighteen elements when writing humor, and edits himself ruthlessly.  Scott wasn’t a humor writing machine when he started, but he built his greatness with time and effort.  And it is effort – I watched a short video of Jerry Seinfeld talking about the effort that goes into making just one joke.  It can take an afternoon or more to get it right – and even then he spends time tweaking it, and this is the level of effort that is required by an experienced comedian.  Imagine how much more difficult it would be to be a rookie.

For me, I’m going to work harder, steal everything I can from Martin, Adams, Seinfeld, and study it.

And learn.

seinfeld

Imagine if I never told Jerry to change his hair?

I do want to say thanks to The Mrs., who has greatly encouraged me to get better.  The nice thing is she’s my harshest critic but also the one I won’t slug.  But I will, passive-aggressively, change all the radio presets in her car to Mexican flamenco music.  She’ll never guess that I changed the autocorrect for “John” on her phone to “His High and Most Worthy Lordship.”

martin

Just kidding, The Mrs. isn’t a trained assassin.  But don’t tell The Boy and Pugsley – The Mrs. just assigned them a mission to stealthily clean their bathroom.

I’m working hard to make myself better, every post.  So I can’t be ignored.

But failing that, couldn’t I just play the lottery?

I’ll just leave this here:

Civil War – The Necessary Conditions

“You mean the war betwixt the Yankees and the Americans?” – The Beverly Hillbillies

leegrant2

I hear that Robert E. Lee was voted “Most Likely to Secede” in his West Point class.

A civil war is like a fire.  It consumes the energy and emotions of those around it and leaves destruction, desolation and debt in its wake – just like my first marriage.  But I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about civil wars and the necessary conditions for one.  After thinking about it, I’ve decided that a model for a civil war is fire.

firetriangle

For a fire to burn, it needs three things:  fuel, oxygen, and a spark which in turn creates the continuous burning reaction.  If you’re missing any one of those things, you simply do not have a fire.  An example – The Mrs. and I had a clay fireplace we used out on our deck (this was a long time ago – like during Bush II).  One day I was trying to start a fire in the fireplace, and the fire wouldn’t catch – the wood would just smolder – there was smoke, but no flame.  The reason for that was that the wood was a bit wet.  A-ha!  That’s okay.  I must have some charcoal starter liquid.  I looked in the garage.  All out.

But there was gasoline for the mower in the garage.

I poured just a tiny bit down the chimney of the fire place.  A tiny bit.  An itsy bitsy amount right onto the hot coals from the fire I’d been trying to make.  I looked down the chimney as I dropped a match into the pit.  Suddenly, a flame shot out of the chimney and washed over my face.  I had a beard at that time, and as the flame hit the beard it melted and burnt into kind of a single hair shell on my chin.  It smelled as good as burned blonde beard kebab.  Thankfully, no one was at home, so there were no witnesses when I took the scissors and chopped the welded chunks of congealed beard hair off.

It turns out that gasoline boils at a really low temperature, and when I poured the gasoline down the chimney, it landed on the hot wood that I’d been trying to burn and immediately turned from liquid into hot gasoline vapors.  The hot gasoline vapors were the fuel, fully mixed with the oxygen as they rose up the chimney.  All they needed was that spark, and all the energy stored in the hot gasoline vapors ignited at the speed of sound through the chimney in a de-beardifying whoosh.

But this is a model of Civil War not an ad for the use of flame as a shaving aid.  What allows a civil war to start?

  • Fuel – The differences in our opinions are shown pretty well in the most recent survey done by Pew, which is reproduced right below through the power of Internet sorcery. The Right is moving farther right.  The Left is moving farther left.  And in both cases the degree of overlap drops.  This increasingly small overlap between left and right means we’re not even talking the same language.  We look at the same picture, the same news story and react in entirely opposite ways.  The more fuel that builds up (generally) the greater the energy released when the fire starts.  Look to see a lot of hipster beards on fire.

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  • Spark – A spark is an event that’s bold, audacious, emotional, and one that means there’s no going back, things will never be the same again. These are often followed up by escalations, each one following the narrative of the split (the fuel for the fire) of the Godly and good us versus the evil baby-hating them:  shelling Fort Sumter; Caesar crossing the Rubicon at the head of his Legions; the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand; and that night that Donald Trump poured sugar into Hillary Clinton’s gas tank.

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  • Oxygen – This is required for the fire to go – it feeds the chemical combustion. In this civil war/fire analogy, oxygen is symbolic of the opposing governmental structure.  In the Revolutionary War it was the Congress of the States that declared the war.  In the Civil War?  The Confederate States organized and met.  Even Caesar had at his disposal the governmental structure of the Legions that he commanded and the means to provide for them.  In all cases, a civil war needs a governmental structure to move from isolated insurrection to true war.

government

In 2018 I think there’s a lot of fuel built up – the division between Left and Right is increasing.  Twitter®, the Fake News (Pulp Fiction, Epsilon Theory, and The News Isn’t The News. Really.) and the concentrated attempts to deplatform entire viewpoints (Civil War, Cool Maps, Censorship, and is Fort Sumter . . . Happening Now?) are examples.  The Left is even rioting against free speech – the very thing the Left rioted to allow in the 1960’s.

I think the fuel is currently pretty wet – it’s inhibited because people just have so much darn stuff.  Who wants to go down to fight Antifa© when you’ve got to get to work the next morning so you can earn money to make payments on your new F-150 and you’ve got beer in the fridge and Netflix® on the television, which is probably more fun than punching smelly hippies?

Even Antifa™ has to get home early so they can keep working at Starbucks® and Mom still has them on a curfew.  But make no mistake – they have no interest in finding common ground – they want to fight.  And they don’t want to hear what anyone else has to say.  From CNN:

“Antifa members also sometimes launch attacks against people who aren’t physically attacking them. The movement, Crow said, sees alt-right hate speech as violent, and for that, its activists have opted to meet violence with violence.”  So, other people’s speech is violence, and their violence is only speech?

antifa(H/T AR15.COM – warning, naughty words)

But a prolonged economic downturn will dry the fuel out quickly.  Janis Joplin taught us that freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose (and that Bobby McGee could really sing the blues), and we won’t have Civil War 2.0 until people have nothing to lose.  The saving grace for many years has been the all the “stuff” that we have.  Before then we’ve had a fairly homogeneous population with (for the most part) deeply shared values.

We have sparks everywhere – from marches and riots to new laws and elections – things that drive both sides crazy.  These will intensify during an economic downturn, and will be played up in the press.  Conflict sells ads.

We are, however, missing the oxygen – the governmental structure that benefits from the war.  The current governing powers aren’t threatened by Antifa®.  They’re not really even threatened by Trump, since very few of his accomplishments will outlast his time in office – Supreme Court Justice appointments being a notable exception.  The swamp remains intact.  Government certainly isn’t threatened by the very far right, since two out of three Klan members (all, what, 1000 of them?)  are FBI agents or informants anyway.  And individual states have been more-or-less neutered since the Civil War changed the nature of the agreement between federal and state governments.

Civil war?  No.  Not unless the economy worsens, and not unless there’s a structure that benefits “the other side” – and who on Earth would benefit from a civil war in the United States?

aliens

Notes:

I am not the first use the fire triangle analogy when it comes to war – I found a reference to a Major Patrick Pascall who used a similar model in a 2009 paper to describe the insurgency in Iraq (LINK).  As far as I can tell, though, I’m the first to use it in this manner.  Yay, me!

Fire Triangle By Wikimedia User:  Gustavb – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, snarky comments:  me.

The Funniest Post You Will EVER Read About Genetic Engineering, Now Available in Cream or Roll-On

Right, then!  I do the best I can for you, the bloody best, to set up your sniveling, snotty-nosed kid the way you want, and all I get in return for pouring fifteen years of research into the bloody boring composition of the bloody damn DNA molecule is a pair of pathetic twits, who, when confronted with bloody stats start a pathetic wiffle-waffle.  Right now, Mr. and Mrs. Stolwry, you have a perfect, beautiful specimen of a stocky, blond-haired, blue-eyed, fair-skinned, quilted, male shrimp-head welder, with pods.  Now, what more do you bloody want?  Frankly, it makes me sick!  Why don’t you go have your child naturally?” – Eric Idle on Saturday Night Live (1976) – I can’t embed the video but it’s here (LINK) and hilarious.

betteronpaper

Now you know why chicken wings are getting bigger.  If only it would make its own sauce.  I bet it does, in the Twilight Zone©!

We are at the beginning of a new age of humanity, and maybe even an entirely new type of humanity.  The first humans have been born where sections of their DNA (the genetic information that defines most everything of what they are) have been replaced with new information.  It’s exactly like someone recutting Toy Story® using dialogue from Fight Club™.  Oh, someone did that?  I do live in the best possible timeline:

It’s only two minutes: give it a watch, please.  My therapist says I need to share things.  But the first rule is that we shouldn’t talk about it.  Thankfully, I’m typing instead of talking.

But in this case, the genetic information that defines a living human being was cut out and replaced with new information.  And the human is an actual living human.

How did they do it?

Tiny scissors.  Really small ones.  And itty-bitty pieces of Scotch® tape.  Okay, they actually used a technique called “CRISPR”, which stands for Clustered Regularly Interspaced Short Palindromic Repeats.  But for all you care it could stand for Clever Reindeer Intentionally Shooting Panda Rifles.  It doesn’t matter.  Let’s pretend it’s really tiny scissors and itty-bitty pieces of Scotch™ tape.

CRISPR allows editing of the DNA strand by using segments of DNA to match up with and replace the parts of the DNA that we don’t like.  And even though DNA is comprised of lots of molecules, in reality DNA is just information like pages in a book, or dialogue in a movie except if you try to replace passages in your book with DNA all you get is a mess and sticky fingers from turning the DNA soaked pages.  But back to the DNA:  some of the information on the DNA appears to be actual junk – it may not mean anything – but the rest of the information defines your height, weight, hair color, maximum intelligence, ability to play guitar, affinity for bacon, and, well, ability to write real good word thoughts (PLOT POINT!).

Editing the DNA with CRISPR allows the editing of new pages into a book, and even the individual letters in the book.  But better not end up leaving out the wrong word:

wickedbible

This Bible was printed in 1631 and is known as the “Wicked Bible.”  If anyone actually followed the instructions, there was probably oodles of amateur DNA transfer.  Hopefully not on the pages.

CRISPR can be used to edit mushroom DNA.  Or cow DNA.  Or . . . human DNA.  And now two human girls have been born and inserted into their DNA is the resistance to AIDS.

The first time I ran into the concept of genetic engineering was when I was a kid, watching Star Trek®.  When I was a kid, it was a law that every other show on television was a repeat of Star Trek™.  The idea of one episode, Space Seed, was that a group of genetically enhanced (mentally and physically) supermen led a war.  When they lost the war, they were shot into space in suspended animation.  Because prison was too complicated, I guess.  The leader?  Khan Noonian Singh, played in scenery-chewing fashion by Ricardo Montalban.

khan

Even Kirk is skittish about genetic engineering.

Any measurable human trait or combination of human traits from DNA can now be changed.  And almost every human trait is genetic in nature.  I know this from experience.  As much as you might think that I was conceived of during an immaculate conception witnessed only by the angels and attended by a gaggle of singing heifers in bloomers, well, that was not exactly the case, no matter what I tell my kids.  It was sweaty teenagers.  But I digress.  I’m adopted, but in the weird way where I’m actually related to the family that adopted me.  I couldn’t even get “unwanted abandoned child” right.  Such a failure.

Anyway, for every moment of my life until I was 35, I had zero contact with my biological father.  Zero.  None.  Nada.  Zilch.  Empty set.  And zero contact with any of his relatives.  Complete isolation from that side of my personal biodiversity.  But I had been told his name.  Then, one night under some assistance from a bit of Coors Light® I did an Internet search and . . . called a number.  He wasn’t there, but a week later we talked.  And it was unusual.

If you’ve read this blog, you know that I have a rather strange set of interests.  One day, jokes about fizzy toots, the next day political analysis, then genetic engineering.  But when I called my biological father it was odd – there was almost no subject that either of us brought up that the other hadn’t researched.  Oh, and he’s a writer (THIS WAS THE PLOT POINT PAYOFF).  Please don’t get me wrong, in no way do I want to imply that I feel anything but the strongest loyalty to the family that raised me, but I could see the similarities so much that I made up a really clever original phrase:  “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”  I’m glad that when they rebuild the last remaining Internet server after the Nacho Cheese War of 2331™, that I’m certain to be credited with my wonderful, original phrase.

But your grandma who didn’t like that little tramp you were dating was right:  genetics matter.

CRISPR puts the tools to optimize human traits in the hands of . . . humans.  Sure, we’ve been doing the amateur kind of genetic engineering for, well, ever.  And it’s resulted in some pretty interesting people, like, say, you.  Our genetic engineers were our mothers and fathers.  Men have broad shoulders because women like broad shoulders.  Women have . . . well, we’ll skip that for now.  Don’t want to say the wrong thing and have everyone think I’m a boob.

3boob

Beware of 12 year olds with the ability to create genetic modifications.

Who gets to play with CRISPR first?  The rich.  Specifically rich Chinese people.  Yes, regulations exist in China, but the regulations exist to protect the State, not the people, silly.  The only reason the Party would restrict rich kids from having SuperBabies 3000® is if the Party feels the technology is too powerful and keeps it for itself.

Make no mistake, this is an incredibly powerful technology, like alcohol on prom night.  I think that the Chinese elite will start snipping and tucking DNA so that their children are smarter.  Taller.  Stronger.  More confident.  Better nose hair, you know, the kind you can braid.  If you’re a billionaire, why not?  The Party will be fine with that, since it gives them the ability to see what the technology does.  I mean, understanding the complicated interactions between DNA molecules is tougher than dancing a polka striptease with a gopher.  And we all know what that’s like.

khan2

Khan we fix your DNA?  Yes we Khan! 

Can you imagine being the master of this technology?  You can eliminate undesirable human traits, such as enjoying Taylor Swift® music entirely from your gene pool.  You can, if you are the Party, create the perfect Chuck Norris-like soldier.  A 9 foot tall (37 meters) basketball player.  The most loyal citizens.

If you are willing to sacrifice and experiment to quickly understand what the interactions are between multiple genetic changes and patient enough to await the results, you’ll quickly lead the world in a technology whose limits we can barely perceive.  And in a state controlled by a central Party, well, soon enough we could see a split so wide in human ability that humanity might look more like a colony of insects with different classes of humans genetically modified to follow their role as drone, soldier, queen, scientist, and blogger than the normal wild and feral band of humans we’re used to.  They’d be farther apart than Morlock© and Eloi™.

timemachine

H.G. Wells couldn’t have imagined that 800,000 years of human evolution could be done in an afternoon in an uncomfortably warm doctor’s office. But he also couldn’t imagine that Leonardo DiCaprio would ever win an Oscar®.

In China in a few years embryonic DNA modifications might become as common as vaccination in the United States.  Once the DNA gets into the gene pool of the country, it will stay there.  Perhaps in two or three generations China will have citizens that are entirely immune to some sort of biological agent that just, whoops, “accidentally” gets released to depopulate the planet and leave it free for China.

Shhh, but I think the Chinese have already measured Africa to see if all of their stuff would fit.

But in a twist resulting from an interaction between a snip that removed unsightly ear hair and a tuck that allowed all men to grow mustaches as full and perfect as the one Burt Reynolds had in Sharky’s Machine©, the remaining citizens develop an insatiable desire for eating humans.  What an ending!  Then Rod Serling can come out, smoking, with a good moral to the story.  Yay!

plagues

Okay – I love comments, and would love to have more, so don’t make me change your DNA so you’re chattier.  And don’t forget – you can just subscribe to this in the box above, and I’ll show up at least three times a week in your inbox.  Which won’t break it, unless you have a weak, girlie-man inbox.  And I won’t send or sell your address, ever.

The Funniest and Most Meaningful Black Friday Post . . . Ever.  Now 50% off, Today Only.

“It’s Black Friday, the day when ordinary house moms turn into vicious bargain hunting animals, blinded by low prices, and eager to get the Christmas shopping done early.  If this was a zoo I’d say run for you lives, but this is Buy More!” – Chuck

fiztoot

Mabel’s family was upset with her on the drive home.  They used Apple® products and didn’t have Windows™.  (I’m sorry for that joke, but by way of explanation I’m a father.)

Like many people, I try to avoid the stores on Black Friday.  If I were a mullet wearing geezer with my toga full of elf chum (please don’t ask me to draw a picture of that, I’m not even sure what elf chum is, and now that I’ve written it I feel vaguely dirty), I’d say Black Friday is maybe the one real American holiday that most people agree on.  Christmas is great, but when was the last time a group of people attempted to choke each other to death to get a gift-wrapped package of underwear on Christmas?  Never.  But put a 50%-off tag on socks with a pattern of Iron Man® smoking a bong with Donald Duck™ on them?  Heck, I’d drop kick a calico kitten through a box fan for a bargain like that!  Sure, we have great holidays like Fourth of July, but nobody ever died in a riot for 2 for 1 fireworks.

Bargains!  Free stuff!  Perhaps that’s the new slogan of the United States – Free Stuff!  And don’t forget that buying stuff is easier than actual salvation or real effort to be a better person.  And even if you don’t like toast – that toaster is only $5.  You can learn to love toast.

Perhaps Black Friday not only our true holiday, it is perhaps our true religious holiday.

zombie

You can tell that these zombies aren’t leftists – they don’t appear to be lecturing anyone.

I’m not going to make fun of people who are short of cash and frugal and truly need the items that they buy, but that only accounts for a small percentage of purchasers on Black Friday.  As Americans, we have been conditioned to shop.  Until we drop.  And don’t let Debt stand in your way.  And I use the word “we” for a reason – I’ve done it, too.  No, I would sooner investigate my hotel room with a black light and then still stay there than go in a store the day after Thanksgiving.  But I do have the Internet.  And I’ve bought stupid stuff:

  • Dog Waxer – rechargeable! Never let your unwaxed dog embarrass you again.
  • Solar Powered Night Light – Works best on a sunny day.
  • Internet-Connected Underwear – With your app, you can check the temperature and humidity.
  • Night Vision Scope for Caulk Gun – Now you can apply your caulk, even in the dark.
  • Crossword Puzzle Book for Dogs – Just as it says.

So, yes, I’ve bought my share of stupid crap, which made me ask the question:  why do we buy useless crap at all?

  • Impulse: I see shiny things.  I must have them.  The depths of the brain, that part that grunts instead of talking and that never uses underarm deodorant that drives this fascination.  Just give it meat, scotch, and women and the impulses will go away.
  • Herd Mentality: I will fight you to the death for the toaster that puts the fuzzy face of Bob Ross on toast!  They actually make a toaster that does this and I am hoping that the Discovery Channel® has a series coming where people fight to the death for consumer items.  Makes me feel so, well, Roman.  Humans want to have the things that other humans have, which is why so many ex-wives exist.  I’ll just stop right there.

bob ross

What a happy little toaster!

  • Makes You Feel Better: Shopping really works to make you feel better – it gives you a sense of accomplishment.  No matter how hard your day was, and what tasks you face, there is a 100% chance that you can buy something and it will make you feel a little bit better.  It gives you that sense of control, no matter how poor your decisions were today, you can find a breakfast cereal or, say, 436 pairs of shoes.  You can make a choice and follow through.  People even have a name for this type of shopping – “Retail Therapy.”

therapist

The nice thing about Retail Therapy?  It costs about the same as real therapy, and you can still hate your mother when you’re done shopping for those 436 pairs of shoes.  So you have hatred and shoes left.  I call that a win-win.

Why not shop until you drop?  You can.  If it’s not a problem:

  • Well, if you’re going into debt for power tools just to chase the kids around with (a circular saw works well as long as you have enough extension cord) or sacrificing your ability to retire just so you can have a “Hello Kitty®” ashtray, it’s a problem.
  • If you have boxes of stuff you’ve never opened inside of other boxes of stuff you’ve never opened, it’s either a problem or a movie premise for Leonardo DiCaprio© for a movie called Inshopsion. There is a rule, however, that DVDs starring Burt Reynolds™ do NOT count in this category, so don’t even ask.

If you really need something to complete you, shopping isn’t it.  It’s short term, and only lasts until you’ve bought the next thing.  And the more crap you buy, the more confusion you bring into your life – sooner or later you have to spend more time managing the crap than it is worth.  Again, I know this from experience – my own.  And I still can’t find that spare kidney I bought on Kidney-Bay® on Black Friday back in 2012.  Maybe it moved back to the original owner.

How do you cut back?  Thankfully, the solutions are simple:

  • Replace shopping with something that’s a real achievement. Blogging for thousands of wonderful readers who have wonderful hygiene, immaculate mullets, and stunning good looks counts.  You know, as an example.
  • Look for real competition in the world. I mean, soccer was invented by European beatnik nudist jugglers to provide something to do while their berets dried and they drank cappuccino.  But, yes, even soccer will do.  Find something.
  • Bored? Learn to not be bored.  Take up chainsaw juggling.  European beatniks do it all the time between cigarettes and poetry readings.
  • One of the things we don’t thing about too much when we think about shopping is time. And time, my friends, is all we have, each day that ticks away is lost forever.  Plan your time to be and do something real.

We have to shop.  We have to buy things.  But as the Roman philosopher Seneca said, any over used virtue becomes a vice.  Or was that Captain Kirk?  I’ll go check my 12 disc collection of Star Trek:  The Original Series Commemorative 32nd Anniversary Edition Complete with Pink Tribble Box Set.  I got it on Black Friday in 2009 on sale for $24.99.  It might be here over behind the Original Smokey and the Bandit 2 jacket.  Who knew that Burt Reynolds was exactly my height, but only weighed 155 pounds?  Thing doesn’t even fit around the shoulders.

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Eastbound and Down.

Bonus:  Deliverance interview between Burt and Johnny.

Okay – I love comments, and would love to have more, so don’t be shy.  Or I will dropkick another kitten through a box fan.  And don’t forget – you can just subscribe to this in the box above, and I’ll show up at least three times a week in your inbox.  Which won’t break it.  And I won’t send or sell your address, ever.

Trump: The Last President?

“President Camacho: ‘Number one:  We’ve got this guy Not Sure. Number two: He’s got a higher IQ than any man alive, and Number three: He’s going to fix everything.’” – Idiocracy

lastpresidentbook

You never want to make the call too early.  By the way, in this book, there is a minor character (cabinet secretary) by the name of the name of the Last President was Pence.  Oooh, goosebumps.

Donald Trump may be the last President of the United States.

There will certainly be people that will follow him that will use the title, but their allegiance won’t be to the electorate as a whole – their allegiance will be only to the Left.  As we see in California now, the entire mechanism of state government has switched to a uniform Leftist government – the California Republican Party is as potent a political force as a group of twelve year old My Little Pony® fans at an MMA© event.

The Governor isn’t the Governor of California, especially when he won in a 57% to 43% victory.  The Governor is the Governor of the Left, and will represent the Left, not the electorate in general.  The swing vote, which has moderated elections nationally is absent in California.  The swing vote means that the most uninterested people have the levers of power.  That category of people simply does not exist in California.

Party leader?  Sure.  Governor?  Well, in name only.  In reality, the recently elected Governor is the Democratic Party leader.

Recently, we’ve had contests at the national level for President – the swing voter makes a difference.  Could McCain have won in 2008?  No, not really, mainly because no one liked him.  Could Romney have won in 2012?  Maybe, but it would have been like electing your middle school principal as President.  The fact that Trump did win in 2016 was relatively surprising to me.

Trump’s victory did expose part of the genius of the founding fathers.  Despite the popular vote being in favor of Clinton, Trump concentrated on and won the Electoral College.  The Electoral College isn’t a genius move because Trump won – the Electoral College was a guarantee of the essential promise of the Constitution to the States that the small states wouldn’t get dragged around like a St. Bernard’s chew toy (small states hate slobber), but it also provided a trap against voter fraud and a mechanism for nearly instant legitimacy of the elected President.  In order to cheat on a national election, you’d have to cheat in state after state after state.  Cheating in New York City or even statewide in Texas alone won’t do elect a fraudulent President.  And while it’s uncommon it’s not unheard of: Trump is the fifth President to be elected by winning the Electoral College without winning the popular vote.

But on election night 2018, Bill Kristol tweeted:

‘I’ve always disliked the phrase “demography is destiny,” as it seems to minimize the capacity for deliberation and self-government, for reflection and choice. But looking at tonight’s results in detail, one has to say that today, in America, demography sure seems to be destiny.’

I rarely agree with anything that Kristol has to say, so I think he might have been on Ambien™ when he tweeted that.  But he’s right.  And Bill Kristol being right makes me certain he was on Ambien®.  The Right faces a serious headwind in future elections.  A few data points:

  • Before the Immigration Reform and Control Act of 1986, California was reliability Republican. After that law passed?  California dived quickly into the Leftist camp – the primary driver being the rise of first generation citizens being allowed to vote – a group that strongly skews Leftist, by 3 to 1 or more.  When I was a kid, California was a shining economic model of progress.  Now it’s a poster-child for income inequality and poverty.  So California’s got that going for it.

California

  • Florida has one major group that will impact future elections – newly-minted predominantly (5 to 1 Leftist) ex-felon voters approved by a Florida constitutional amendment just approved this election. 5 million ex-felon voters, which using extremely conservative math nets the Left 400,000 more votes.  Donald Trump won by 110,000 or so votes.  Additionally, we’ve seen that Florida is a mess after a close vote.  With lots of “ballots I just found in the pocket of my other coat,” if you know what I mean.  Wink, wink.

florida vote

  • Texas is moving Left.   Yes, Cruz beat Beto, but those demographics that Kristol talked about appear here strongly, and I wrote about it before (The Fall of Texas and the Coming One Party State).  Texas doesn’t turn Left in 2020 unless the economy really, really tanks.  Probably 2024.  Certainly 2028.  2032?  Expect posters to Stalin©.

texas

  • The economy. It ran on 0% interest rates for years.  Now that the Fed is attempting to raise rates?  At some point the party is over and the economy will hit a recession – probably before 2020.  If Trump is lucky?  A recession in 2019 would be good.  Like right away.  Presidents don’t do well running for re-election in the middle of a recession.  It’s like trying to lick a flagpole at -40°F (-40°C) – it’s embarrassing to be there and requires the fire department to save you.  Ask Jimmy Carter.

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  • The process of drawing legislative voting districts to benefit your party is as old as the Republic. It even has a name, gerrymandering, named after Elbridge Gerry, governor of Massachusetts when they said the strange congressional district he created looked like a salamander.  Gerry+salamander=gerrymander.  Or maybe it was his wife, whose nickname was “Lizard Lips.”    Republicans have 33 governorships, so they’re getting pretty good at drawing districts that would make Gerry proud.  But the Left is using judges to undo the creative districting, which makes it rougher to gain a majority in the House of Representatives.

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Many of these changes are permanent and spread to other states.  Folks leaving California because it’s too much like California move to wonderful places such as where my brother John Wilder lives.  (There’s a longer version of why my brother’s name is John Wilder, but let’s just assume our parents weren’t very imaginative.  We at least have different middle names.)

What happens when they move there?  Well, being normal Californians, the first thing they do is get on the Homeowners’ Association boards, because people from California really like telling other people what to do.  My brother attended a meeting of his board one night.  Sage McUnicorn, who had recently moved from California, motioned that the new trash company collect recyclables every week.

My Brother John:  “Don’t they charge extra for that?”

Sage O’Smurf:  “Namaste, yes, but it is good for the planet.  It will help us protect Mother Earth.  It’s only a few hundred dollars a year.  Don’t we all love the Earth that much?”

My Brother John:  “You’re saying that you want to charge every person in this neighborhood extra money to pick up newspapers and plastics that the trash company just dumps in a landfill?  (That’s what the trash company was doing then. – JW)  How is it responsible to force another person to pay for your views?”

Sage MacRainbow:  “The oracles tell us that is how it is done.  Never pay for your own convictions.  That could get expensive!”

My brother’s argument actually swayed the HOA.  They didn’t end up with a recyclable fee.  But the point remains:  Californians who leave California because it is, well, California, want to move to new places to make them just like California when they get there.  It’s like when zombie bites you, but you get a lecture, too.

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I took this picture in California in February of 2016.  I hear now the water is recycled right out of the toilet to the water fountains.  I guess that’s why I only drank wine when I was out there. 

Trump in 2020 has headwinds against him.  In 2024, however, all of the demographic changes have continued another four years.  Texas may be as permanently left as California has become, and Florida may have joined it, if Florida can figure out how a pocket calculator works by then.  Without Florida?  Re-election looks grim even in 2020.

If every future election has a foregone conclusion, that leaves the President as a single party leader of the Left.  And in Washington D.C. the Left has been consistently more disciplined on voting, though they do tend to form circular firing squads on policy.  Given the thin Senate majority now, another decade of demographic change might allow truly uniform and consolidated power as all legislative bodies are captured along with the Presidency.  And at that point the United States is a de facto single party state, with a minority party that is just for show.  A list of single party states that look like this includes such human rights wonders and great vacation spots as Turkey, South Africa, Venezuela and Zimbabwe.  I mean, who wouldn’t love to live in those places?

Frankly, my favorite government is grid lock.  The government is best that can’t figure out what it wants to do because it’s fighting with itself, because it then manages through sheer incompetence to leave you alone.  Maybe that could be my slogan in 2024 – “Wilder, for the ineffective and confused government you deserve!”

Next Monday . . . we’ll look more how this sets up a Civil War.  But smile.  We have Netflix® now, right?

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Smoking, Orphans, and the French

“Yes.  Give him his cigarettes.  It won’t be the nicotine that kills you, Mr. Bond.” – You Only Live Twice

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An early but failed attempt at a cigarette advertisement as they ran out of orphans too quickly.

Heart attacks were unknown before 1900 – probably because 97% of people before 1900 died in surprise buffalo stampedes and dysentery on the Oregon Trail®.

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But I recently learned something that fascinated me.  Heart disease has plummeted during the last fifty years.  Here’s the graph.  I found it here (LINK), with a h/t to Mangun (LINK):

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So, heart disease is plummeting.  But I thought we were getting fatter?

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Not good.  There’s a lot of Oreos® and regret in that graph . . . .

According to the NIH, we are getting fatter.  But we’ve (more or less) eliminated heart disease as a cause of death.  Huh?  I would have thought that heart disease would have increased during that time period abetted by a high-fructose corn syrup diet, increasingly sedentary lifestyle, Netflix®, the Internet, and reliance on every modern convenience.  Oh, wait, that’s just me.

Not saying being fat is healthy – it’s linked to a large number of issues including very large pants.  But not so much heart disease.  So what changed between 1900 (effectively zero heart disease) and 1965 (when heart disease peaked) and today?

Cigarettes (graph is from the CDC).

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Sure people smoked before 1900.  Mark Twain smoked the equivalent of the population of Honduras in cigars every day.  And people smoked pipes, often while cultivating manly mustaches that looked like creatures from an H.G. Wells novel.  But cigarettes?  Not so much, as cigarettes were French, and even back in 1900 no one liked the French.  54 cigarettes per year per person were smoked in the United States in 1900.  In 1965, the peak year for heart attacks was also the peak year for cigarette smoking, when Americans smoked 4,259 cigarettes per person, per year.  And they looked so very cool, except for the heart attacks.  And the berets.

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Also, Watson, an amazing fact:  Kermit The Frog has the same middle name as Jack The Ripper.  Not a coincidence I think . . . the game is afoot!  Let’s catch a Muppet® murderer!

The difference between cigars (or pipes) and cigarettes is that no sane person inhales pipe or cigar smoke.  Again, not saying that either of those things are particularly healthy, but it appears that pulling the chemicals from combusting tobacco into your lungs is a bad thing.  I mean, not as bad as being an orphan, but bad.

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Also, can an orphan eat legally in a family-style restaurant?

Could it be other things, like statins?  Nope – they were late to the party, and there are significant debates about if they’re good for you at all.  Aspirin may be a factor in the lowered death rates, but it really seems like smoking cigarettes . . . might be bad for you.

As usual, I am compelled by my lawyer to tell you I’m not a doctor, and that pesky court order requires me to tell you that I’m not allowed around pumpkin pie when there’s lighter fluid nearby, but my conclusion is probably pretty innocuous:  don’t smoke cigarettes, unless you want to die early of a sudden heart attack and save more Social Security money for me.

Twitter, The 1%, and Thanksgiving (Not Available in Canada)

“If you could fight any celebrity, who would you fight?”
“I’d fight Gandhi.” – Fight Club

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I’m not saying that an evil psychic entity made me send those tweets at 2am.  But I’m sure the wine had nothing to do with it.

Twitter® is living proof that the IQ of any group can be measured by the taking the average group IQ (which should be close to 100, I would hope) and dividing it by the number of participants.  Since there are over 6,000 tweets per second on the system, well, that means the IQ of Twitter® is 0.02, which is slightly above a rock, but still slightly below anyone dating a Kardashian or a common houseplant.  But I repeat myself.  Slap fights between dim kindergartners are often more founded in firm intellectual rigor than a Twitter© argument, and said arguments are generally about as productive as trying to teach a dog to say “milk.”

But I hadn’t figured that out a year ago.  It was back then that I commented on a breathless news story about the evil top 1% in the world.  I pointed out that almost everyone on Twitter® was in the top 1%.

The howls of outrage began.

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I admit the whole Handmaid’s Tale obsession on the left cracks me up, you know, because we’re on a course to live in a theocracy.  But if we have to live in a theocracy, can’t it be a sexy one?  Sexy, sexy theocracy.  Mmmm.

Okay, it was mainly just this one guy – I think he was from Great Britain.  He was incensed that I would make such an outrageous statement.  His idea was that the 1% was evil.  It must be taxed, and taxed ferociously for the betterment of the entire planet.  He was filled with a mixture of outrage and envy.  Outrenvy?  Anyway, I then cited statistics that stated that to be in the top 1% in income in the world you need to make only $32,400 per year, or whatever the equivalent was in the fancy wrapping paper that he used for currency instead of sweet, sweet American dollars.

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Ahhh, England, using children to do the jobs Americans won’t.

There was a long pause.  $32,000 per year is only $16 per hour.  $16 per hour seemed like not a lot of money to him.  Certainly he didn’t want to be taxed, he wasn’t an evil rich guy.  Other people are evil rich guys.  So, he switched the argument to wealth.  To be in the top 1% in the world in wealth, yes, the bar is a little higher.  Including all sources of wealth, homes, chickens, cars, that toenail clipping collection, and your mom’s secret spaghetti sauce recipe (tomato paste and a little garlic and oregano), to hit the top 1% requires $770,000.  That’s a taller hill than the $16 per hour, but still one that’s achievable for many Americans in their lifetime.  I don’t know about Great Britain, since my conception of their economy involves lots of singing chimney sweeps with bad teeth and I have no idea what chimney sweeping (singing or not) pays.  But let’s be frank, $770,000 isn’t Bond villain-level money, unless James Bond’s villain is living in a partially paid off house in the suburbs and maybe has a decent 401k balance.

bond villain on a budget

Times are tough, even the Bond Villains are on a budget.  Hope they have enough credit limit left for date night and a space-based orbital laser system.  You know how much date night can cost.

So, in the big scheme of things:

  • You’re doing okay.
  • You’re alive.
  • You’re likely in the top 1% in income . . . in the world.
  • Besides – you’re more than your money, more than your income, more than your net worth. You’re also your Rolex® collection.
  • You’re a handsome devil, and have an intellect way above average.
  • You’ve got a lot to be thankful for.

We’ll get back to the big picture soon enough in future posts, but in the time it took you to read this sentence, you have to admit – you were doing okay.

And me?  I’m thankful that I figured out not to get involved in Twitter© slapfights.

So, Happy Thanksgiving, wherever you are.  Except Canada.  You can’t even get that right, Canada.  Thanksgiving in October?  Is that when the Moose and Beaver signed a treaty not to invade Nova Scotia or something???

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