“Never interrupt me when I’m talking to myself.” – Timecop

All Hanks, All the TIme
We turn in our review of movies to 1994. I’m not sure that I’ll keep going backward in time unless there’s a clamor for it, but we’ll keep going forward in time, at least for a bit.
1994 continued the trend of comedies being less funny and more . . . stupid? Offensive? Cringeworthy? Whatever the term, the downgrade picked up steam in 1994.
As usual, no sequels are on the list.

Yes, two retards in a movie.
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective – 1994 was the year of Jim Carrey, and this was his harbinger film. I’m not going to include Dumb and Dumber or The Mask on this list, since all three of those movies are essentially the same thing: Jim Carrey being Jim Carrey. The only problem is I find Jim Carrey untalented and irritating, sort of like a syrup of ipecac flavored soda with a side of cold gravy. Honestly, I’d rather drink the gravy and ipecac than watch a Carrey movie.

I must be dreaming! Who is that in the background?
The Ref – The first half of The Ref is hilarious, and probably the funniest movie set-up in forever. Denis Leary plays a caustic burglar perfectly. Great, right? It is up until it becomes a slow and boring family drama. If whoever had written the first half of the movie had written the second half, it would have been better. Or maybe it was all written by George R.R. Martin? Not recommended.

With textbooks on loan from God . . .
PCU – It’s supposed to be a movie sold as a reaction against the growing forces of political correctness. And it does have some pretty funny lines, but in the end it uses political correctness to make the villain look like the bad guy. Still, worth a watch.

Looks like his chickens have come home to roost.
The Crow – I remember seeing this one in the theater – it was a good watch, and a fun movie that was done well in a bittersweet way. Some of the scenes are over the top, and the motivation of the bad guys is still unclear, but those are only minor quibbles . Regardless, it’s a beautiful film that is based on real-life tragedy and ended in real-life tragedy.

If infinity Kiefers could hold infinity smaller Kiefers.
The Cowboy Way – The Cowboy Way is probably the second-best comedy on this list. If it was a TV show, it would have been called Beverly Hillbillies Vice. Yes, the fish out of water movie, but this time with smart cowboys making the city slickers look bad. City slickers don’t like that. It stars Woody Harrelson, who is listed at 5’10” (6 meters) in height, which means he’s really like 5’5” max. This created some special effects problems since his co-star Kiefer Sutherland is only 14” (0.00045 meters) tall.

Driving around a bus at night covered in flour, I guess.
Speed – Ted “Theodore” Logan plays a cop on a bus that will explode if it goes below 50 miles per hour because Dennis Hopper doesn’t like public transit and is against Sandra Bullock adopting a football player. That might be off a bit, since I haven’t seen this movie since 1994. It was okay, but made $350 million at the box office.

Forrest Gimp or Forrest Gump?
Forrest Gump – The movie on which the sage advice “never go full retard” is based. 1994 loved this movie in a way that only people who love Jim Carrey can love a movie, rewarding it with $680 million bucks at the box office. Tom Hanks plays the titular character. Titular is a way less sexy word than what I thought it would be when I was in fifth grade and looked it up in the dictionary. I feel the same way about this movie in retrospect – it was fun when I first watched it, but looking back on it, it I certainly don’t recall why – perhaps it was the looming hollowness of the 1990s? But that’s all I have to say about that.

True Lies – In 1994, James Cameron could have filmed a trip to the supermarket and people would have paid $380 million in box office bucks to watch it. Throw in a near-peak Arnie and a Jamie Lee Curtis that was 10 years past her prime (her prime was in Trading Places, fight me) and even I went to go watch it. This movie while enjoyable to watch and having Bill Paxton at his funniest, could have been titled Generic Action Flick. Not that it’s bad, it’s just the same movie that Arnie would stamp out like Pepsi™ makes plastic bottles for a few more years in the 1990s.

Now with electric neon ukeleles.
Airheads – Steve Buscemi, Adam Sandler, and Brendan Fraser as a metal band that kidnaps a radio station. Yes, it’s a comedy. Yes, it’s silly. Third best comedy on this list. Also, another box office bomb.

“In my dreams he’s always there . . . “
In the Army Now – Proving my statement of cringe being the new comedy, here is plaintiff’s exhibit A – Pauly Shore. Also in this movie is plaintiff’s exhibit B – Andy Dick. Both in the same film, creating a sort-of black hole of smug-cringe. This, my friends, is what will end the Universe.

A lighthearted musical animation about war and cannibalism, brought to you by Disney®.
Rapa-Nui – It is certain that a huge civilizational collapse happened on Easter Island. It was started by white colonizers who cleverly set it in motion 100 years before they arrived. Wait, that doesn’t sound right, did the Europeans have time travel? No, I just channeled a GloboLeftist. In reality, population on Easter Island overshot and they had a famine-induced war. This movie is about that. A popcorn movie to watch with the toddlers? Probably not, unless their favorite book is “Baby’s First Cannibal”. I thought this one was pretty good, but I was distracted because I was watching it with my toddlers.

Looks like JCVD’s time machine works! Look how old he is!
Timecop – Jean-Claude VanMC2. The title is the movie plot.

Wouldn’t his name be Morgan Prisonman?
The Shawshank Redemption – I’m gonna catch flack for this one, but I didn’t love it. I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t love it. I mean, you would have thought that after 142 minutes that the Beavis and Butthead would have scored some beer.

What if Wolverine worked for Marcellus Wallace?
Pulp Fiction – The actual best movie of 1994. Quentin Tarantino manages in his first major release to let people know he had already mastered a game that many other film makers had no idea they were playing.

And one of them has a beagle named Snoopy®?
Clerks – The actual funniest movie of 1994. Made for $10,000 – it was everything that the other comedies on the list weren’t – smart, apolitical, rough around the edges, and it had 0% Jim Carrey. The story of two clerks on a very long day where one of them wasn’t even supposed to be working. Kevin Smith was never as good again as his first outing, but that was at least partially due to the fact that his first outing is a classic.

Don’t blame me, Grok™ picked this one.
The Puppet Masters – Robert A. Heinlein’s story of insidious alien control somehow seems ripped from the headlines when I see the woke mind virus doing what aliens could only dream of. I thought it was a faithful adaptation, but it still makes me wonder how 7’3” (16 meters) Donald Sutherland managed to father the lilliputian Kiefer.

Interstellar PEZ®.
Stargate – A fast-paced documentary about Egyptian archeology that’s not to be missed. Plus? Kurt Russell.

Back then Tom sure attracted the . . . .
Interview with the Vampire – A pretty fair adaptation of Anne Rice’s novel of the same name. Cruise hasn’t aged a day since then, so maybe he picked something up when he did this film?
That’s it. There were several I had to delete due to length. Again, several good, solid movies as comedy morphed from its 1980s peak into the Jim Carrey abysmal. The innovative 1980s action films began the process of mass production as budgets kept growing larger and larger and failures became less tolerable. 21 sequels were in major release in 1994 (this was the big jump from 1993 when there were only 13). There were 9 in 1974, but in 2014 . . . ? 34.
I had to bump several films, and I could list them, but, hey, why don’t you let me know what gems should be on the list?





























































































