“I like them French fried potaters.” – Sling Blade
Back when Will Smith was punching aliens and not rocks.
As I noted in the past, I’ve decided to stop mining the 1970s. The fall off in quality as you go backwards from 1980 is immense. Yes, there were gems. But they were surrounded by so much . . . crap.
As it is, we’re moving forward into 1996. The glory years of the 1980s are gone, but the indy buzz of the 1990s is in full swing and 1996 was an amazing year for movies as far as originality and watchability, far better than 1995.
As usual, no sequels, and in no particular order:
Is this how they got the idea for Dumb and Dumber?
Bio-Dome – Bio-Dome is a silly movie starring Pauly Shore, and you’ll be stupider for having watched it if you can find it since the UN has classified it as a banned weapon. It has been known to take 10 IQ points off of a typical human. It is considered “one of the worst films ever made,” which is an achievement in itself.
Boy, that Seonge Glodney can act!
From Dusk till Dawn – I had no idea what to expect when I rented this one. Did I expect vampires? Yes. Did I expect vampires meeting Pulp Fiction and El Mariachi? No. Would I change anything about this movie? Also no.
I am Roboholio! I need sprockets for my screwhole!
Screamers – Philp K. Dick wrote the original story that this screenplay was based on. The film lost money, so you might not even have heard of this one. The original story is far darker, and I think I like it even better than the movie, which is just okay.
Well, now as an animated children’s movie . . .
Broken Arrow – When John Travolta attempts to play a smart guy and Christian Slater attempts to play an upstanding guy, you know you have two actors playing parts that they are fundamentally unsuited for. Of course it made $150 million, but it was the start of Travolta’s box office decline.
“Give me flank speed, Niles.” “Oh, are you sure you want that, Frasier? You know how motion sick you get.”
Down Periscope – Stupid humor. Lots of jokes about female breasts and tattoos on delicate areas. Kelsey Grammer. Rob Schneider. Yes, it lost money. Yes, it’s also funnier than any movie so far this year.
This movie probably would have been worse than Bio-Dome.
Fargo – A movie about an insurance salesman (John Wayne) who is caught up in an existential crisis about his wife (Jane Seymour) and her affair with a younger woman (Gillian Anderson).
The executive decision? Takeout Italian or Burger King®, again. Seagal wants Burger King™. Again.
Executive Decision – Kurt Russell. Of course I’m going to mention this. It’s an okay generic action movie, but the funniest part is that they changed the script to kill off Steven Seagal because he was such a dick to work with and everyone hated him. Allegedly.
The Truth About Romulans and Gorns?
The Truth About Cats & Dogs – A retelling of Cyrano de Bergerac, but involving Uma Thurman at her cutest and Janene Garafalo before she revealed she was insane. A rom-com, back when they did such things.
Where does Amber Heard sit on a boat? On the poop deck.
Dead Man – A black and white Western with Johnny Depp, Iggy Pop, Crispin Glover, and Gabriel Byrne? I caught this on HBO® and was mesmerized. I don’t want to watch it again to spoil it, since I enjoyed it so much the first time. Odd film, very odd. They spent $9 million on it, and the box office was $1 million, so I might have been the only one watching it after my Tivo® suggested it for me.
Run, it’s weather!
Twister – A movie about the weather. Yeah, whatever. It was okay. Made half a billion dollars in 1996, no less. I still miss Bill Paxton.
I think Cage is now contractually required to play all supporting parts in his movies as well.
The Rock – What if James Bond was put into a US prison. That’s basically the plot of this movie, with Sean Connery (before he lost the ability to be alive) and Nicolas Cage (before he lost the ability to say “no”). An okay movie. Also? Stupidest warhead design, ever. Movie made a third of a billion bucks.
They’ve come across the galaxy. Their goal? To knock things off of the counter.
Independence Day – Is it a disaster movie or science fiction movie or an action-adventure buddy picture? Why not all three? This movie hit, and hit big, pulling in nearly a billion dollars on . . . a silly plot where an Apple® notebook saves the day because alien computers don’t have a Norton™ Antivirus© subscription.
Vaderspotting?
Trainspotting – This movie features Obi-Wan Kenobi as a Scottish heroin addict who cuts off the legs of his best friend who then becomes the right-hand man of the Emperor of Scotland. It’s depressing, mostly, so it was ranked by 150 film insiders as the “10th best British film ever” which I assume would be after everything that Rowan Atkinson was in.
If you get a job as an Egyptian god, you’re Set for life.
The Trigger Effect – Most movies don’t get TEOTWAWKI right, and The Trigger Effect is no different, but it has Elizabeth Shue in it. You can at least stare at her for a while as Los Angeles collapses when the electricity goes out.
Bart discovers the martini.
Swingers – Gen X dating angst in an artsy indy movie that made 20x the production costs. I enjoyed it, but I was a Gen X dude dating at the time.
I reckon there’s a reason they didn’t make this one. Spoiler, they just let him out again and he kills someone else. Again.
Sling Blade – “Uh-huh, I reckon I shore would like some mustard with my biscuits. Some folks calls it a pizza cutter. I calls it a ring blade.” Not a good date movie, apparently. Which is good for me because some other guy took The Mrs. to this one on a date, and that was their first and last date.
Honorable Mention: Happy Gilmore, The Frighteners, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Beavis and Butthead Do America, The Arrival.
Okay, I got enough good movies out of 1997 to try again with 1997
I’m probably the only person here who likes Pauly Shore movies (even Bio-Dome). Couldn’t stand the guy when he was on Mtv, but watched “Son-in-Law” by accident and loved it.
But even Pauly couldn’t have saved the movie if AOC had been in it.
JB
I liked Son-in-Law as well. Peak Pauly.
Dang, the only film on that list I have seen is Independence Day although from the honorable mention I did just watch Happy Gilmore for the first time this year and was underwhelmed.
Slingblade is Billy Bob’s best movie. He gets to say to Jack Tripper “not funny ha-ha funny queer” and call the Hearst to pick up D-White Yoakum after silly lawnmower accident.
True story, also has the kid from the Fast and Furious movie that is like Halloween III, if you catch my drift…
It is his best film.
I didn’t see Happy Gilmore until last year.
Me, too, about Happy Gilmore. My husband and his brothers think it’s the BEST movie ever!
Both The Rock and Executive Decision are ones that I could watch again. I thought Cage was pretty good (the fact that he, was paired with Connery in his over acting glory seemed to tone down his usual mania).
Kurt lets everyone else chew the scenery. He under plays the role, and is very effective.
Of the ones you listed I saw ID, Twister, The Rock and Fargo at the time. Barely remember anything about any of them. Cinematic junk food. I also went to see Mulholland Falls because I am a fan of noir; same comment.
I will always have fond memories of Happy Gilmore because I took my 14 year old son to see it when he was visiting me for summer visitation. A rare moment of happiness with him. I saw the recent sequel and thought it was actually pretty good. We also went to see Flipper that summer, only worthwhile because of Paul Hogan (and, I see, a pre-Hobbit Elijah Wood), as well as Dragonheart.
Speaking of golf movies, I really enjoyed Tin Cup. I went for the post-Miami Vice Don Johnson and stayed for the terrific Kevin Costner ending. Never, ever give up.
Went to see Evita with my wife. I think Argentinian politics and especially Peronism are impossible for Americans to fully understand, but with catchy music and amazing cinematography Madonna sure made it look good.
Along with noir, I like spy movies and zany humor so naturally I went to see Leslie Nielson in Spy Hard. I was a big fan of The Phantom comic as a kid and went to see the Billy Zane version; all I remember of that is being confused that it was set in Asian Waters instead of African Jungles because they apparently dared not show blacks in that role. As a SF buff I saw the totally forgettable Arrival, the pre-Neo Chain Reaction and of course the zany Mars Attacks!
Speaking of spy movies, i absolutely HATED the first Mission Impossible flick and have refused to see any of the sequels. I was a huge fan of the original M:I on TV back in the day, and setting the heroic character of Jim Phelps as the turncoat traitorous villain to Tom Cruise’s new character of Ethan Hunt was absolute blasphemy to me. Peter Graves refused to reprise the role so Jon Voight did the dirty work. I heard that many of the original M:I cast walked out in the middle of the film and I can understand why. The character development of the whole movie is all off because supposedly after test screenings they dropped the subplot where Hunt was having an affair with Phelp’s much younger trophy wife to make Cruise more heroic, so nobody’s motivations and actions match up on the screen and the result was a mess. So here’s to you, Peter Graves. You will always be my boyhood hero on and adult hero off the screen.
https://www.cbr.com/original-mission-impossible-cast-members-hated-1996-movie/
After it made Jim Phelps the villain? Color me shocked there.
And also, coincidentally, none of the original cast of senior citizens were asked to come out and play in the film version.
Sounds to me like butthurt cream was ordered in case lots there.
Tom Cruise making it into a multi-movie franchise and generating a few Billion$ of dollar$ in box office, none of which they ever even as much as smelled from afar, just rubbed salt in their wounds.
It’s a tough business. Boo hoo.
I think The Mrs. and I saw Evita for free. She cracked up when, near the end, I sang, “Okay cry for me now, Argentina.”
Folks, it’s been a loooong day and we’ve all worked so hard. Let’s take a break and we’ll get back to looking for that missing thermonuclear weapon once we’ve had a good rest and it’s daylight.
What a load of S.
Also, Screamers is hugely underrated.
I liked Screamers.
I miss Bill Paxton too.
Jane Seymour plays a heterochromic chick in whatever movie she is in. Not intentionally, though; but she is type-cast.
Broken Arrow – Favorite movie of mine. Giles Prentice (govt. advisor) line in the movie, after the new bomber lost an H-bomb – “I don’t know what’s scarier, losing a thermonuclear weapon, or that it happens so often there’s a name for it.”
Three scenes of ‘discovered check’ in here too, well distributed. And Howie Long gets a kick out of experiencing the void.
She is type-cast. But that works for me.
The Long Kiss Goodnight is fun. Well, the action is over-the-top with impossible physics which is sort of the standard for this kind of movie, but what I love most is the dialogue. The writer(s?) had a good time.
Best line by Brian Cox: “Alice! The dog! It has been licking its ass for the last hour and a half and I submit that whatever it is attempting to dislodge is either gone for good or there to stay!”
Dialogue runner up:
Geena Davis: “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
Samuel Jackson: “I hope not! I’m thinking how much my balls hurt!”
So many good lines in this movie!
It’s one of our Christmas-movie rotation. That one, Die Hard, Christmas Vacation, and A Christmas Story.
You have to make up your mind, JW:
You have five decent flicks, and five pieces of the rankest fecal matter.
I’ll let you decide which ones belong in which box. {Hint: Pauly Shore has never made a decent flick in his life, unless I see him headlining in a future documentary of The Darwin Awards.}
Meanwhile, you skipped:
The very first Mission:Impossible movie…??? W.T.F.
Multiplicity : peak Michael Keaton
Chain Reaction Morgan Freeman. Keanu Reeves. What more could you ask for?
Tin Cup: It should be a law in Hollywood that Ron Shelton should write one sports movie per year, and Kevin Costner should be the star. That franchise would be bigger than James Bond and Star Wars combined. Tin Cup was an absolute masterpiece, from start to finish.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8e8vSiLrVU&list=PLwo1m2aFHavPFGlbcnbIyNpF_AX8ipt78&index=2
Thank a merciful heaven you skipped (the third? fourth?) awful remake of The Island Of Dr. Moreau. It should also be a law in Hollywood that anyone who produces any version of that story ever again be flogged almost to death with a cat of nine tails, with 000 treble hooks and claw hammer heads at the whip ends, then be set on fire alive and their remains thrown into a live volcano. Ankle-chained to Pauly Shore. Then go after their family.
The only good thing to come out of that movie was the day Val Kilmer, over-full of himself, threw his 200th on-set tantrum, whereupon, in front of God and everybody present, Marlon Brando himself told Kilmer “Young man, you’ve obviously confused how much they’re paying you to be in this movie with how much acting talent you have. I’ll be in my trailer. Call me when everyone is ready to go to work.” Whereupon Kilmer shrunk to about an inch high (when Marlon Brando tells you that you suck as an actor, you suck as an actor), and there were no further tantrums by Kilmer for the rest of that godawful movie, by firsthand account of multiple crew members on set when it happened. Legendary takedown.
That Thing You Do! The ultimate tale of the one-hit Wonders.
The Ghost and The Darkness : Val after he straightened himself out.
Mars Attacks
Kenneth Branagh’s Hamlet: like anything that combines Branagh and Shakespeare, quite possibly one of the best versions ever made, with a cast that has about a hundred Oscars and/or nominations for same between them.
Biggest shift from the 80s to the 90s: Hollywood went from one good flick per week, to one good flick per month.
By the 2000s, it was one or two good flicks per year.
Do yourself a favor. Don’t watch the YouTube clip above of the Tin Cup ending. Go watch the entire film instead. It’s worth it. If for no other reason to see Don Johnson’s trick shot in the middle of the film.
That was not the Tin Cup ending. Or at least it shouldn’t have been.
YouTube switched up what I was going for.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVfIhrHTs5M
And yes, the dick-measuring contest when Johnson’s character puts Costner’s character in his place was an epic surprise in the middle of a fantastic film, all of which anyone should watch beginning to end.
It’s not a best-of, really, it’s more a list that describes that time and moment.
I liked Multiplicity – good movie.
Haven’t seen Chain Reaction or Tin Cup. I’ll keep an eye out for ’em. I liked The Ghost and the Darkness, but less so Mars Attacks.
Agree with your final paragraph, 100%.
Mars Attacks! – A big budget remake of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.
Muppet Treasure Island – Is it really a remake, or something of its own?
Space Jam – Failing to be Roger Rabbit.
Matilda – Best movie of the year, in a year with not one but two Roald Dahl movies in it.
Phenomenon – Flowers for Algernon, the movie.
Phenomenon had to do with Flowers For Algernon like peanut butter has to do with pizza.
The movie version of Flowers For Algernon was actually Charly, released in 1968, with Cliff Robertson as the titular lead winning the Best Actor Oscar that year for the role.
Things being similar does not imply that they are identical. The theme of increasing mental powers, only to have them then slip away (or similar) is there.
Okay . . . I’ve only seen Mars Attacks! on your list, and your description is 100% spot on. I’ll keep an eye out for the rest of them. Especially the last two.