The Debate

“Mr. Rooney, Ferris is home and he’s very ill.  I debated even leaving him.” – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Who won the presidential debate last night?  People who didn’t watch.

As my father said when the cows got into the marijuana, “Son, the steaks are high.”

That’s how I’d describe the Trump/Kamala debate.  Apparently, they’ve never met, so her charge that Trump put a wet finger in her ear and said “Wet Willie Brown” is certainly false.  One of the rules is that Kamala has a two-drink minimum.

I decided I’d just blog about the debate instead.  Since I’m going to get into the hot tub later with a cigar and maybe a scotch, today’s post will be, unfortunately, written while sober.

Notes:  I like the muted microphone idea.  It stops the debate for being a shouting match, though I wish they would give the candidates an array of condiments they could throw at each other.  Regardless, here is my (partially made up) transcript.

But she’d be happy to force you to take it.

My biggest hope?  That Trump says, “Be quiet or I’ll spank you, you disrespectful little turnip.”

Showtime!

Kamala walks to Don.  I think she would have peed on him to show dominance, but she couldn’t lift her leg up, or Hindu tradition prevents it.

First question:

Are people better off than four years ago?

Kamala:  “I understand the problem and I have no idea what to do about it.  I’m going to say absolutely nothing, but then attack Trump.”

Trump:  “No sales tax, other countries will pay for the wall, took billions and billions from Chi-nah.  We’ve had a terrible economy, worse than ever seen since ever.  We’ve had people stream into this country from mental institutions, and even Baltimore.”

Kamala:  “Worst epidemic, worst unemployment and personally burned the Constitution after farting on the Statue of Liberty.”

Trump:  “Cut taxes, make the greatest economy, ever, and then Kamala ate a baby.  Alive.  At Central Park.  I was there.”

Kamala:  “I’ve memorized a thing about the economy.  Here it is.”

Trump:  “She has no plan.  It’s four sentences – run spot run.”  I wish I had made that up, but that was Trump’s line, it’s hilarious.

You want to add tariffs, and that might cost more money.  Why do you hate America?

Trump:  “They kept my tariffs, because I made the best tariffs, and now people can’t afford bacon.”

Kamala:  “There was a trade deficit, and Trump sold chips to China, and the United States should win the race against China.”  It really didn’t say anything in the answer, but it was well said, much better than her normal word salad.

Trump:  “Taiwan sold chips to Chi-nah.  Immigration is bad.  She’s a Marxist.”  (Actually, one of Trump’s passionate answers, and pretty articulate and less hand-wavy than usual.

President Trump you were against abortion and then for abortion and why do you hate women?

Trump:  “Six Supreme Court justices got Roe v. Wade out of the states, and now states can make a decision and people can make a vote.  Ohio and Kansas were okay with killing kids.”

Kamala:  “Trump is a liar.  He’s the devil.  Women have to leave a state to kill a baby, and can’t even do it at their home state.  I might sign a bill making baby killing legal everywhere.”

Trump:  “Kamala’s a liar.  And stupid.  And incompetent at government.”

Kamala:  “Any woman should be able to kill any baby whenever.  Perhaps up until college.”  Kamala is making it personal, and looking at Trump as an accuser.  Trump doesn’t fall for this.

Trump:  “She’s a liar.  Everybody knows it.”

The microphones are not always turned off during the answers of the other candidate.

It’s hard to make a good abortion joke, but leave it to the Left.

Why did you let just a few illegal people in?

Kamala:  “I want to stop drugs from coming in.”  She starting to slur her words.  “Trump didn’t approve the bill and that’s because he hates you and you should go to his stupid rally.”

Trump:  “There’s no reason to go to her rallies.  People don’t leave my rallies.  People want to take their country back.  What they have done with allowing millions and millions into our country, they’re eating the cats, they’re eating the pets.”  This has happened, but ABC News disagreed.

Kamala:  (first giggle) “Talk about extreme!  The very worst republicans love me.”  Kamala is actually effectively getting under Trump’s skin at this point.

Trump:  “I fired them.”

Perhaps he’s upset because that was Fang-Fang’s dinner?

How can you send all of these illegals back?

Trump:  “They allowed terrorists, drug dealers, criminals and Venezuelans in.  Their crime is down.  But they’re destroying the fabric of our country.” (no humor added on this comment)

Kamala:  (next giggle, more slurring) “This is rich!  Trump is a criminal and awful, and I have answers, I promise.”

Trump:  “It’s a political prosecution.”  Really good answer here.

Kamala:  “Trump would kill your children if he were back in the White House.”

Kamala, you flip flop, so please explain why you have such a good reason to flip flop?

Kamala:  “After I was against oil, I was for oil.  I want everyone to have houses, because that won’t increase inflation, but we’ll need to need to import labor to make them.  And this friend I had in high school who is totally not made up was sexually assaulted.  I want to help people not be mean like Trump.”

Trump:  “I am so very rich.  Fracking?  She’s been against fracking and the police (even Sting) and – I’m talking now – does that sound familiar? – and wants to turn do transgender surgery on illegal aliens.”

Transgender surgery for even alien-aliens, would be my bet.  But ALF as a woman?

Mr. President, why did you start an insurrection and why do you regret it?

Trump:  “Peacefully and patriotically.  You left that out.  When are the illegals going to be prosecuted?  When are the people who burned down Minneapolis going to be prosecuted?”

Mr. President, why don’t you say you regret this?

Trump:  “I didn’t do anything to regret.”

Kamala:  “I was at the Capitol.  The President wanted to desecrate the nation’s Capitol because he hates you and Donald Trump hates Jews.”  Trump does not take the bait to stare back at her, which people would take as threatening.

Trump:  “Why is she now doing anything on the border?  Biden can close the border, he’s not.”

Mr. President, why won’t you say you lost the election we stole fair and square?

Trump:  “The illegals are trying to vote.”  Kamala does not look remotely happy and ABC pulls away from the split screen.

Why does Donald Trump want to stop illegals from voting?

Kamala:  “Donald Trump should accept the fact that we stole the election fair and square.”

Trump:  “Victor Orban – why is the world blowing up?  The most respected and most feared president was Trump.  Kamala didn’t get a single vote.  She failed.”

Israel and Palestine aren’t getting along, tell us a made-up way that you’d solve it?

Kamala:  “War is bad.  We shouldn’t have one.  I really like Israel, though.”

Trump:  “It never would have started.  Russia wouldn’t have invaded Ukraine.  Kamala hates Israel.  But, Kamala also hates Arabs.  And probably hates kittens.”

Kamala:  “I love Israel.  Trump is weak and loves dictators.”

Trump:  “Putin endorses Kamala.”

Commercial Break – A commercial for feminine products.  Who knew women were filled with blue liquid?

Mr. President, you could solve Ukraine in 24 hours?

Trump:  “We’ve spent $250 billion in Ukraine because Biden won’t ask Europe.  I can call Putin and Zelinsky and settle it.  I’ll do a deal.  It would be a great deal.  We could have World War III.”

Kamala:  “You’re running against me.  Putin wants to take over all of the Starbucks™ in Europe.  No cappuccino for anyone.  And Poland.  You want to give up Poland.”

Trump:  “Quiet, please.  Putin would be sitting in Moscow, and don’t forget he has nuclear weapons.  Kamala was sent to negotiate peace, and three days later?  War.  She’s worse than Biden.  She is a horrible negotiator.”

Kamala:  “I’m going to say a lot of things about Trump, to avoid talking about how I failed negotiating in Ukraine.”

Trump:  “I got Europeans to pay for NATO.”

Kamala was a lot more prepared than she was the first time around.

Do you regret what happened in Afghanistan?

Kamala:  “We got out of Afghanistan.  Trump’s deal in Afghanistan was the worst.  Trump invited terrorists to Camp David, America’s most holy place.”

Trump:  “My agreement was good, the Afghanistan withdrawal was horrible.”

President Trump, why are you a racist?

Trump:  “I’m not.”

Kamala:  “He is.”

Trump:  “She’s horrible.”

Kamala:  “He’s horrible.”

Trump:  “She’s horrible.”

(Hosts utterly losing control)

President Trump, how are you going to fix healthcare?

Trump:  “I saved Obamacare, but it wasn’t great, but I’m trying to find a better one.””

Oh, wonderful Kamala, how can you say something about healthcare that conforms to the answer you memorized?

Kamala:  “I’m not going to take your guns.  And I know people who have been sick and we want Obamacare to get even better.  And healthcare is a right.”

Trump:  “Kamala wants everyone on government insurance.”

What would you do to stop climate change?

Kamala:  “Climate change is horrible and I have invested $1 trillion in clean energy with my donors and opened factories around the world.”

Trump:  “Kamala loves Chi-nha.  They’ve destroyed business and manufacturing, and Biden got paid off by China and Ukraine?  They are crooks.”

Commercial Break – Debate sponsored by Crazy Z’s Unpainted Ukraine, for the best in discount barely used weapons.

Closing Statements:

Kamala:  “We’re not going back to low prices.  I’ve never had a real job.  We need me as a president.”

Trump:  “Here are the wonderful things she’s going to do, but she hasn’t done it.  Why hasn’t she done it?  I can rebuild America.  I can make it better, faster.  I’ll call it the six-million-dollar country.”

Overall, Trump was Trump, and this was probably his best debate of all of them during three elections.    Kamala, however, didn’t look like the blithering idiot that she is, since it looks like they got her off the sauce long enough to do debate prep.

If you liked Trump, you still like Trump.  If you liked Kamala, you’re probably not a regular reader, but you probably still like Kamala and are relieved that she didn’t Biden-out with disjointed word salads.  I think Team Kamala will be happy enough with this performance that they’ll trot her out for a few very carefully scripted interviews.

There will not be another debate.

How will the normies take it?  Not a clear victory either way, and the undecided mainly don’t watch these things, so it’ll be decided by what news they hear between the “top hits of the 80s, and more” and what they’re paying for gasoline.

Or, by the people who count the votes in big cities in swing states.

Stay tuned, and I suggest spending election night at a mountaintop restaurant, where the steaks will be high.