The Post of Christmas Past

“The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin.  Thith tree the a thymbol of the thpirit of the Grithwold family Crithmath.” – National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

The Mrs. made a Christmas decoration out of $100 bills.  She called it her Aretha Franklins.

Notes:  I’ll have a new song tomorrow and two for this weekend.  I am, however, debating on putting together a post for Friday.  We’ll see – it’s a coin toss right now and probably depends on how sleepy I am after Christmas dinner.

Ahhh, Christmas.  One of the things that has become traditional in the time since the VCR ruled supreme is, of course, the Christmas movie.  Many of them are quite bad, but a few stand out in my mind and they’re below.  This doesn’t include Christmas TV specials, of which A Charlie Brown Christmas is clearly the very best.

It’s a Wonderful Life is on the top of many lists and it’s the oldest on this list with the next-oldest showing up forty years later.  It’s got a solid cast, and a message that, perhaps, unbridled capitalism isn’t the way so it probably makes Libertarians sad.  Yet, the reason it’s so popular is, like Night of the Living Dead, the copyright holders failed to renew that copyright in 1975 so television stations could flog it like a rented horse and pay nothing.  If you have ever been around people in the broadcasting business, “free” is their heroin, so they played it over and over because, hey, free Christmas heroin.

Home Alone is a funny movie, but not horribly Christmas-y.  Change the setting to Thanksgiving or summer vacation or the execution of a convicted killer based on a wacky misunderstanding and nothing really changes.  But a lot of people really like this one, so it’s in.  And it is hilarious, especially the Stooge-esque scene of mayhem at the end.  Heartwarming?  I little.  It tries but mainly fails, because my heart is mainly immune from warming.

Die Hard?  Yes, it’s a Christmas movie.  The real villain in the movie was Joseph Takagi.  Why?  He scheduled an office party on Christmas Eve.  Who does that, the Japanese Grinch®?  The movie is really well made from start to finish, and holds up to repeated viewings.  And, after all, as my kids say, “It’s not really Christmas until Hans Gruber falls off Nakatomi tower.”

Elf.  So, let me get this straight, Santa kidnapped a baby and we give him a pass?  I’m not really that fond of Santa movies.  Why?  I don’t know.  Let’s just say I figured out that scam pretty quickly and hold a grudge.  But Will Ferrell is generally funny, and plays childlike enthusiasm very well, especially bouncing it off of Jimmy Caan.

A Christmas Story.  Top tier, and probably tied for my very top spot as a Christmas movie.  It is very uniquely a story about Christmas in America before globalism and while commercialism was still amateurish (Drink more Ovaltine®?).  It did also capture that great sense of joy, wonder, and anticipation that comes from being a kid awaiting his first shootin’ iron.  It also was wonderful at showing a family that was cohesive despite of (and maybe because of) the daily ups and downs and struggles.  When I was younger, I saw it through Ralphie’s eyes, and then through the eyes of The Old Man.  Perfect on all levels.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.  Did I ever mention that the clerks at the grocery store would let me buy National Lampoon® when I was 8?  I think they would have sold me booze and smokes, too.  Regardless, this is clearly the best of the movies that National Lampoon™ ever put its brand on.  I’d also say it’s the most consistently funny movie on this list.  Randy Quaid still makes money autographing photos with “Shitter’s Full.”  Why can’t I have that career?

Scrooged.  This is a favorite of The Mrs.  Peak Bill Murray hamming it up with a message that, perhaps, it’s not all about him, but rather his family, which (as far as I can tell) nearly all in this film playing various roles.  But maybe stapling the antlers to the mice would have been an interesting scene to make the movie more engaging?  I think the late, great Michael O’Donoghue was the spark on the script, but whoever was responsible, they did a very good job bringing this story into the 1980s.  Making fun of commercialism while bringing $100,000,000 back to the bank was pretty good work.

Fatman.  It’s Mel Gibson as Santa taking a contract with the military-industrial complex to produce weapons because business is down while being pursued by a hitman.  Santa Claus becomes John McClane?  Barely a Christmas movie.

The Long Kiss Goodnight has Geena Davis at her hottest playing an amnesiac assassin in a story written by the guy who wrote Predator and directed by the guy who directed the only move I’ve been in (The Adventures of Ford Fairlane).  Christmasy?  No, not really even though it’s set at Christmas.  And, this is crucial to the plot, but it could be almost any holiday.  Why on the list?  It’s an excuse to post a picture of Geena Davis.

I very much expected this list to be longer, and, in fact, had to throw on a few that I normally wouldn’t (Fatman, for instance) to pad it out.  I’m imagining there weren’t a lot of surprises on the list.  Did I miss any of your favorites?

Author: John

Nobel-Prize Winning, MacArthur Genius Grant Near Recipient writing to you regularly about Fitness, Wealth, and Wisdom - How to be happy and how to be healthy. Oh, and rich.

33 thoughts on “The Post of Christmas Past”

  1. ‘White Christmas’ with der Bingle. Before your time. Brother and I used to watch it yearly in the Fifties and early Sixties. Before America became Amerika.

    Peak civilization.

  2. The Hogfather (2006 live) – Sir Pterry done right. “Humans need fantasy to be human. To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape.” The company also made the excellent “Going Postal”. I wish they had made more.

    The Snowman (1982 animated) – How to tell a story with almost no words. Youtube has a video of the man singing “Walking in the air” as a duet with himself as a boy.

    Grinch (2018 CGI) – The music isn’t as good as the original, but this one actually has more Christmas in it. Ignore the mandatory-insert Leftist tropes in the background.

  3. “Elf” is on at our drive-in, 1 of 3 in SC. We might go Saturday night. The dogs love to go w/ us. When the Scamdemic hit, they showed classic movies like Casablanca and Caddyshack.

    Good list and Merry Xmas to all.

    1. We ended up watching Watchmen and Brightburn on Christmas Eve. Zero Christmas content, but my boys hadn’t seen either, and now I have a Comedian button.

  4. I burned out on the whole Christmas Carol story in my youth, but I’d still pay to see Scrooged with Beavis and Butthead.

    Just curious as to who is playing the Christmas ghosts? In the original novel, Scrooge learns a lesson from the Ghosts and changes his grouchy ways, but Beavis and Butthead never learned a lesson from anything….ever. So I’m expecting an interesting plot twist!

    JB

    1. I’m with you. Murray was good, and The Mrs. loves it, so . . . we watch it. But a Beavis and Butthead Carol? I’m with you.

  5. How about “Jesus of Nazareth?” Also, of course, an Easter movie. The screenplay was largely the work of Anthony Burgess, the certified linguistic genius who also gave us “A Clockwork Orange.” (The novel, not the Kubrick movie, which he hated — although I’d venture to disagree with him there. Both excellent, each in its own way.)

    Or, for less theology and more Victorian sentimentality, any of several adaptations of “A Christmas Carol.” For my money, the one with George C. Scott was the best, but that’s admittedly a minority opinion.

      1. “Jesus of Montreal” is worth a watch. Best movie I’ve ever read (it’s in Quebeckistani). A passion play about a passion play, wrapped in a passion play.

  6. We have a couple of staples at our house this time of year.

    1. The Bishops Wife – Loretta Young at her best
    2. Bell, Book and Candle – Jimmy Stewart and Kim Novak. Not specifically about Christmas but it is weaved into the story. Bonus points if you know the meaning of Bell, Book and Candle.

  9. I’d add: “Ernest Saves Christmas” and “Gremlins”. Holiday traditions at our house.

  11. We’ve added Krampus to our list. One of my favorites is The Ice Harvest. These movies aren’t for everyone, but I like ’em!

  12. Gina Davis can go blow a reindeer. I live in the hometown of Walmart so consumerism was already rampant, but by starting the Bentonville Film Festival she introduced Hollywood faggotry, DEI bullshit, and degeneracy to what was then a 95% white Christian community.

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