14 Magic Questions and Elon Musk’s New Quest for Genetically Engineered Cat Girls

We’ve been negotiating with men from outer space for seven years. – Real Men

I don’t think he’ll remember that in the morning.

The other night I was talking about an upcoming decision/issue that was bothering me with The Mrs.  Don’t worry, that decision will be blog fodder when it’s all done, in some form or fashion, likely before Elon Musk invents and markets Electric Marijuana Boogie Panties©.  But as we discussed my problem, The Mrs. caught me with a question that I’d asked her months earlier about a different issue she was having:

Why does it bother you?

That was a particularly powerful question to me.  It was at that moment that I realized exactly how amazingly smart I was.  I had asked a really good question.  Why did it bother me?  I thought a long time, and realized that what bothered me about my current situation had very little to do with anything that would hurt me today.  Or this year.  Or next year.  Or the year after that.  So, nothing to worry about today.

So why was I letting it bother me?  In this case maybe it was pride, and in this case the worst kind of pride – wanting to win a game I wasn’t even interested in playing.  But the short answer is this single powerful question made me feel better.  Many problems die when exposed to this question.  If they don’t die, use bleach or go see a doctor and get a topical cream.

But the real next question for me should have been:  Who cares?  I hate to tell you this, but, probably very few people.  The bad news is I’m not the center of the universe that I thought I was.  The good news is that few people remember the past events that bother and embarrass you the most.  That one time I walked straight into the glass door at that party while carrying a McChicken® sandwich?  Yeah.  Nobody remembers that.  It was embarrassing at the time, but even if someone did remember?  They don’t care.  Who cares?  Family.  Good friends.  Santa.  Nancy Pelosi.

Told you so.

What do you want?  For a lot of people, that answer is money.  For others it’s success.  Fame.  A new car.  I’d add in the obvious follow up:  Why do you want it?  Money is useful only if you have a purpose for it, but it can become a trap, something you want just because you want it.  And success, fame?  Kipling said it best in his poem, If – “If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster, And treat those two impostors just the same . . .” (The Chinese Farmer, Kipling, Marcus Aurelius, and You)  Understanding what you want and why you want it is one secret to happiness.  The other secret to happiness is television, according to this show I watched on television.

There are things we want that we shouldn’t, like sixteen bacon cheeseburgers, which is what I’d really like to eat tonight (Resolutions, Fasting, and Wilder’s Cult of the Blue Bikini).  What attracts you to ______?  Right now, my fill-in-the-blank is cheeseburgers.  But I’ve seen people who are like sorority girls on a Tuesday night tub of frosting over something that’s obviously bad for them.   Why?  It’s because we think that _______ fills us up in some way where we’re empty.  If you’re lucky, that fill-in-the-blank is something innocuous like fly fishing.  If you’re not lucky, it’s something dangerous and life threatening, like ballroom dancing.

What if it’s you?  I think these are the last words anyone wants to hear.  The human brain is set up to produce a protective reality distortion field (it’s called the Romney Effect) that automatically changes the past to make itself blameless.  Only real, unbiased thinking about the situation will allow working on the root cause, instead of the symptom.  Sometimes you need a friend or a spouse to slap you right across the face with the fresh fish of reality.

What would you do if you had one month to live?  Less mindless crap*, I’d bet.

What would you do if you lived forever?  Would you sell insurance?  Really?  If you had infinite days you’d sell insurance?  Okay.

Weirdo.

So, we know what Elon would do if he lived forever.

Why does the outcome matter?  I know that sounds weird.  But the ultimate outcome of our game is the same for each of us.  We can postpone it.  We can have different twists and turns, but the end of the journey is the same destination.  And that destination is, of course, Minot, North Dakota.  But since the outcome is a foregone conclusion, why not focus on the important thing – how we play the game?  Every day there are choices between being virtuous and being, well, evil.  Making the virtuous choice doesn’t make sure you’ll be wealthy, or famous, or successful – life doesn’t work like that.  But it does make you virtuous, and I hear there are extra karma points for virtue that you can exchange in Heaven for extra minutes in the ball pit.

What if you did the opposite?  Look back at your past – how many of your decisions mattered?  How many things would have changed if you’d have picked differently.  Many of the things we sweat and worry about simply don’t matter at all.

What would make it better?  Cheese.  And bacon.  Those are universal constants – cheese and bacon make everything better.

Maybe we can get the Cat Girls with bacon?

There are things we control, like the weather, and things we can’t control, like our weight.  Or did I get those backwards?  Anyway, that brings up the next question:  If it’s outside of your control, why are you sweating it?  How much of your life do you spend worrying about things that you have absolutely no control over?

What would you sell your peace of mind for?  A long life, lived in fear and regret is sad, like one of those clowns that terrorizes my dreams.

Was it worth it to spend a precious day of your life like you did today?  Every moment is one less moment of your life.  What you do with those moments is up to you.  I’d suggest that you pick the things that are important to you, and get busy.  Or, you know, there’s television.

*This blog may be crap, but it is not mindless.  Or was it that it IS mindless, but NOT crap?  I forget.  Whichever one is better is the one I meant.