Dinner? Who Would You Choose?

“Shiver me timbers Philip. At this rate I’ll never get to my Kraft dinner.” – South Park

I defeated my school’s chess champion in two moves.  Guess football and wrestling came in handy.

Last week Remus, the late proprietor of the Woodpile Report came up in the comments.  Mike in Canada (one of Canadians that the triumphant armies of the right, good, and true will spare when we kick off Operation Leafblower:  The Cleansing Of The North, which is scheduled right after we finish Operation American Commie And Collaborationist CEO Helicopter Drop) made this comment:

“If you could have dinner with anyone, whom would it be?  Remus. I would have given a great deal to have met him and had a conversation.  I miss him very much. . . Tuesday mornings just aren’t the same now.”

That hit a nerve with me, for several reasons.  The first time any of my posts received any notice of any kind was on his site.  I’ll admit, I asked him to read it via email.  And he did read it, and posted it on one of his weekly musings.  Then, we emailed each other back and forth several times.

I still have his website bookmarked.  I can’t really bring myself to delete it, because I read it weekly for years even before I was featured on it.

I miss him very much, too.

Remus was very special to many readers and writers, primarily because it was obvious:  he was a reluctant warrior.  Like many of the posters here, and many of the blogs I frequent, he wanted no part of this.  He wanted peace, but circumstances kept dragging him back in.

In my case, I wanted to post funny stories and make fun of the events of the day while mixing in whatever wisdom I could scrape from the ages.  Oh, and add in some bikinis.  Why?

Because they’re bikinis.

Duh.

I watched a two-part series about the bikini.  It was very revealing.

But Mike’s question remained:  who would I want to have dinner with.  Remus is a wonderful answer, but I excluded him and other commenters/fellow bloggers from my list.  Also, I excluded dead family members, and religious figures and, of course, Deity.

Why?  Well, I’m the one writing this post.  My youngest experience (this really happened) with Jesus was when I was coloring a picture of him in Sunday School.  I colored him purple.  The nice Sunday School teacher said, “Johnny, Jesus wasn’t purple.”

My rejoinder?  “Well, he’s God, so if he wants to be purple, he can be purple.”

The Sunday School teacher sighed.  So, yeah, I haven’t changed.  Besides, I’m sure Jesus could drink me under the table if He chose to, purple or not, so it’s not fair including Him on the list.

That being said, I have several categories.  The first is, who, in history, would I like to have dinner with?

George S. Patton, Jr.

Since the age of five, I’ve been fascinated with Patton.  How fascinated?  So much so that my high school history teacher ordered a documentary film on him for our US History class, just for me.  When the lights went down and the projector started and his baby picture showed up even before the title showed – I yelled, “Patton!”

Yup, this was the picture.

My history teacher smiled.

Sure, Patton wasn’t fighting the best the Germans could throw at him.  Sure, he had intelligence information from Enigma knowing what the Germans would do (sometimes before they knew) but he was hip-deep in the intrigue and politics that created the postwar world.

He didn’t know all the dirt but he knew a lot of it.  Plus, the man knew a good cigar and a bad commie from a thousand miles away.  Dewey couldn’t defeat Truman in 1948, but I bet George S. Patton could have rolled over him like a Sherman tank.

Imagine the world with Stalin staring down Patton at the start of the Cold War.  Commies in the State Department?  They’d be hanging from lamp poles, and Patton would have led the columns of tanks entering Red Square when Stalin had used his one and only atomic bomb.

Stalin’s grave?  It’s a communist plot.

This wouldn’t be any silly single-course dinner.  This would be a full-on dinner that would last for hours and end with cigars and brandy on a balcony overlooking the Mediterranean on a cool autumn night.

Besides, who would pick better food or cigars for a dinner than Patton?

Who would I skip?

Einstein.  He looks like he smells like cheese, and not in a good way.  Also he seems like he’d be sort of like that guy who mumbled to himself in the back of the class and rocked back and forth.

Honorable Mention:

Isaac Newton.  Isaac Newton did more in any three years of his life than 99.999% of humanity will ever do in a full lifetime.  Me?  I want to understand what he learned about things other than physics, which are largely lost to history.  Downside?  I’d need to record it all because I’d want to hear it again and again.  Other downside?  How can you compete with that hair?

Okay, both Brian May and Isaac Newton have doctorates.  Only one of them had groupies.

Who would I like to get into a (no weapons) fight with?

Alexander the Great.  I’m pretty sure that 18 year old me could dust the floor with 18-year-old Alexander the Great.  Check that.  I’m certain I could take him.  But if I lost?

“Yeah, I remember the time that Alexander the Great just barely beat me.”

For me, it’s a no-lose situation.  For him?  My first thought was it would be pretty embarrassing.  But, after thinking about it, if Alexander lost a fight to someone who came from 2400 years in the future just to kick his butt?  Also a cool story.

Seriously, Alexander would be toast, though.

Who would I skip?

18-year-old Chuck Norris.  I don’t have a death wish.

Honorable Mention:

18-year-old Genghis Khan.  I hear he was tough, but it might be worth it.  While a challenge, since 8% of the men living in the former Mongol Empire are his descendent I’d get to say, “Who is your daddy now?” to millions of dudes.  Me?  I’ll turn Genghis Khan into Genghis Khannot.

Genghis was tough as a child.  I remember when he took his first steppe.

Discarded: 

Karl Marx.  It would be like hitting a fat, slow and stupid bug, and give me zero satisfaction.  And it wouldn’t stop communism, even if I gave him a swirlie and an atomic wedgie.  Someone would come along and write the “something for nothing” manifesto.

Have a (few) beer(s) with:

Ben Franklin.

I think Ben knew all the dirt on all the founding fathers.  If not, I think he would have an excellent collection of ye olde fart jokes.  Failing all of that?  Rumor has it he was quite funny when toasted.  Plus, he was rich enough to buy really good wine.

Who would I skip?

Any Kennedy.  Never drink with a Kennedy.  Any Kennedy.  And never, ever, drive with a Kennedy.

But if Teddy was driving, he would have drowned.

Honorable Mention:

Andrew Jackson.  Skinny as a rattlesnake and twice as mean.  He’d probably take you to strange bars that weren’t on the map because they were in someone’s basement or on their back 40 that you’d have to shoot your way out of.  Since Andrew Jackson was invulnerable to weapons like Wolverine®, just stand behind him.

Who would I like to be on a long airline flight with?

This one was hard.  When I used to be on long flights, I pulled out my book as a shield to not talk to the person next to me.  Who would I want to be stuck next to for four to six hours as I jetted across the country.  There’s only one answer:

Elvis.

Okay, just kidding, since he would probably eat my in-flight meal.  He’d want my hunk-a hunk-a airplane nuts.  The tough part of this answer is that you’re going to be trapped with this person for hours.  So, if they’re a jerk?  Yeah.  Hours of that.  So, I think I’d choose Mark Twain.  Worst case is that he’d tell you stories.  Best case?

He’d tell you stories.  Some of them might even be true.  And it would be fun to fight alongside Twain after some Stewardess told him he couldn’t light up an epic stogie in flight.

Who would I like to choose but I’m afraid he’s a jerk and I’d end up hating a legend?

Steve Martin.  I love Steve Martin’s work, and think he has a lot of genius and wisdom behind it.  That being said, being famous for, oh, nearly fifty years just might have jaded him to people.  Maybe.  And I’d hate to think that a national treasure like Steve was a, well, jerk.  Plus I bet Twain could take out a stewardess with a single punch.

Honorable Mention:

Quentin Tarantino.  I know he’s a jerk, but I think I’d love to argue with him for six straight hours when he couldn’t escape.  That sounds sort of fun.  And if he was a real idiot?  I bet I could make him smell my unwashed clothes from the trip.

Who under no circumstances would I want to be on an airline flight with?

Gilbert Gottfried or William Shatner.  Gottfried for obvious reasons, and Shatner because every time he’s on a flight something is on the wing trying to rip the engines out.

Don’t worry – William Shatner would never run a criminal enterprise.

All of that being said?  I think Mike is right.  I think Remus would have been a wonderful dinner companion.

Who are your choices, and (for more fun) what categories did I miss?  One category I drew a blank on was “who would I like to work for” and then I thought of Jesus again.

He would know when I was goofing off.

Dangit.  He already does.

Author: John

Nobel-Prize Winning, MacArthur Genius Grant Near Recipient writing to you regularly about Fitness, Wealth, and Wisdom - How to be happy and how to be healthy. Oh, and rich.

60 thoughts on “Dinner? Who Would You Choose?”

  1. People I’d love to have a long dinner & drinks with; #1 hands-down, Teddy Roosevelt. Other top choices would be Ben Franklin, Robert E. Lee, Marcus Aurelius, Mark Twain, Davy Crockett, and author Louis L’Amour. Fight? A lot more that I’d rather learn to fight FROM than fight with. Person I’d be afraid might turn out to be a jerk? John Wayne.

  2. Yeah, I can’t bring myself to take Remus off the bloglist. I was THRILLED when he referenced and linked a post of mine.
    Add a category – someone I’d like to spy upon – there’s a LOT of people I’d like to be able to know more about, particularly the parts that they’ve hidden – Harry Hopkins, Obama, Pelosi. Love to be able to uncover their slime trails for public disgrace.

    1. Yep, I have not been able to delete Yer Ol’ Woodpile Report from my bookmarks either. Just bums me out too much to think about it. Man, last year sucked, and Remus’s passing was at the top of the list as to why.

        1. Yup, Commodus was a tool. And Seneca certainly must have had an idea of who he served. Fire is a dangerous master.

  4. I miss Ol’ Remus very much. Like many others here, he remains on my Bloglist as well.

    Dinner folks: Seneca, Crazy Horse, Dante Alighieri, Francis Schaeffer, C.S. Lewis, Miyamoto Musashi, Hayashizake Jinsuke Minamoto no Shigenobu (Founder of the martial art I practice – heck, all the headmasters of my art), Demosthenes, Fyodor Dostoevsky.

    1. I have two:

      George Thomas. Many might know him as ‘The Rock of Chickamauga’.
      A Southerner by birth, but swore an oath he could not turn his back on. Union Army Brass didn’t trust him and only promoted him reluctantly.
      Unlike Patton’s ‘A good plan right now is better than a perfect plan tomorrow’ philosophy, He was methodical and slow to build a plan, but nobody was better prepared for battle. His strategic planning and tactical prep usually hit like a ton of bricks.
      Thomas believed in an intimate understanding of the battlefield. His emphasis on his engineers ability to provide perfectly detailed maps to him gave him an understanding of tactics few others could grasp.

      Thomas was likely the finest general on either side of the Civil War. His habit of utterly destroying Southern Armies in the field is well documented at Mill Springs, Chattanooga(Missionary Ridge), and then Nashville leave him alone at the top of CW commanders.
      His entire family disowned him and his post war life was rather miserable, lonely and sad.

      Ambrose Bierce would be my second choice.
      A razor like wit and intellect. In his seventies he decided on a bucket list that featured a tour of Civil War battlefields. On a lark, he decided to detour into Mexico during their revolution of 1910.

      He sorta disappeared from history from that point. There are rumors he was captured by Gov’t forces and executed by firing squad in a Mexican churchyard…..

      1. George Thomas – great info – never looked into him too deeply. Bierce was a great writer – I read a lot of his stuff as a kid.

  6. Who would I most like to go pal-ing around with?

    Me. My younger self. That guy was a hoot, but got into so much trouble which (I think) I could have spared him from. Steer him straight at a dozen carefully chosen intersections through the years and that stud could have been king.

    Then again, he prolly would have hated older me and refused to hang out. He’d call me sellout, chicken-sh!t, old fart, spoilsport. I could drink that brat under the table today, but he’d bounce back up next morning bright and chipper, hours before I rolled out of bed a cripple.

    Stupid kid.

  7. How about dinner with Patton *and* Rommel. You could just sit back and listen to them talking. Teddy Roosevelt might be interesting, he might also come across as a self-important jerk. Absolutely no actor from the last 30 years or so, even the ones I like probably are not all that engaging as people. That is probably true for most famous people. Thomas Jefferson would be interesting to talk to, so would most of the Founders.

    1. Agreed on the founders. And, pairs of folks? There’s no end to that well. Patton and Rommel, or Patton and Guderian would be great conversation.

  9. You John, it would be the most enjoyable Taco Bell sit down dinner I would to that point enjoy. The added benefit is the hourly reminders of my dinner with John Wilder at Taco Bell for the next 24 to 36 hours after…

  10. John – – I wanna know:

    What have you got against THOMAS JEFFERSON ?

    Think of sitting next to him on a long flight or as one of your guests at a formal dinner overlooking the Rivera or Italy’s Amalfie Coast……

    And then there is Ronald Reagan and Rush Limbaugh. Can you imagine them together ?

    And if you are going for the Apple Pie a la mode, why not put Issac Newton with Nicolai Tesla ?

    For after dinner discussions, I’d love to see what inflamed passions Winston Churchill and Queen Victoria could stir up.

    Circling back….. Thomas Jefferson….. a true renaissance man, genius, and revered patriot……the man’s achievements cannot be overlooked.

    1. Well, sure, Jefferson had great accomplishments, but I (sort of) think he might be a total tool.

      I worry that RWR might disappoint. And Rush in 1992? Yes. Rush in 2000? Only to find out where Rush in 1992 went.

  12. Patoon and TE Lawrence would be fascinating to have dinner with. I’d probably enjoy a night at the bar with Chris Kyle. Mark Twain would be an amazing guest on an airplane but I feel like the miracle of flight would detract from the conversation, so maybe it would be better to travel on a steam boat down the Mississippi with him instead.

  13. There are many, but even if given the opportunity, I’d probably abstain. Fascinating people lose their luster, when they suck their teeth, or eat with their mouth open. That, or have bad breath, want to speak close to your face, and you have to excuse yourself to go hurl in the restroom.

  14. Instead of sitting down to dinner at my house with them, maybe have lunch at their place of work or life. I would love to sit with Leonardo De Vinci and get to look thru the drawings he had that didnt make it to the modern times. I would love to go sit with Ronald Reagan at his ranch for a lunch, just him though, I dont think I would prefer Nancy blathering on….

    I saw a play where when you died you got to ask God to show you 10 things you always wanted to know or do over. I’ve put that list together over time, but first and foremost I would like to be standing on that grassy knoll in Dallas when Kennedy was show with a modern day Iphone videotaping everything…. Love the post today, thanks.

  15. Yep, still have the bookmark. /sniff

    Robert A. Heinlein – author category
    Thomas Jefferson – political figure
    Flavius Belisarius – military
    Leonardo da Vinci – inventor
    William Shakespeare
    Niccolo Machiavelli

  16. …’Ol Remus… I can’t get myself to delete the bookmark either… Every once in a while I click on it… just because…

  17. I too was touched by the Remus Effect.
    Every time my scribblings were made mention of on his page, I felt like I’d gotten an A+ on my test that week, and was never anything less than deeply satisfied I’d made the cut that week.

    As to this line:
    “Don’t worry – William Shatner would never run a criminal enterprise.”
    You are herewith sentenced to watch “A Piece Of The Action” and “Mirror, Mirror” from TOS, serially, until you recant.
    And 50 geek points will be deducted from Gryffindor for your error.

    Guests:
    Twain, Newton, Franklin: sure. Of course.
    Shakespeare, for certain.
    Mozart.
    Aristotle.
    Patton: did I mention the time I got pneumonia in college, and spent an entire college semester in the library, reading the 1800 page two-volume Patton Papers cover to cover, plus War As I Knew It, and every other scrap I could find on the man, and making notes as if it was a college thesis? So hell yes. But I want Chesty Puller there as well. And Grant, Lee, Sherman, and Stonewall Jackson. Along with Napoleon and Custer.
    Sun Tzu and Von Clausewitz.

    After dinner would be spent with bags of army men at the pool table, followed by epic matches of Risk.
    Refereed by Shelby Foote and David McCullough.

    Both Hitchens: Christopher, and Peter.

    I’d sit Thomas Edison down next to Franklin.
    And Mel Gibson and Robert Downey Jr. on either side of Shakespeare, across from Laurence Olivier, Alec Guinness, Peter O’Toole, Kenneth Branagh, Cary Grant, Clark Gable, and Paul Newman.
    Peter could give the blessing, and he should bring Mary Magdalene as a dinner guest.
    C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien, as a matched set.
    John Cleese and Michael Palin, same deal.
    Bob Uecker.
    Michael Crichton.
    Louis L’Amour.
    Edgar Allan Poe.
    And at the head of the table, next to me: Robin Williams. O Captain, my Captain!
    At the far end of the table: Ronald Reagan. And Teddy Roosevelt.

    But you’re missing some guests.

    Female guests.
    Let’s bring in Helen of Troy; I want to see her in person, hear what the fuss was about, and get her side.
    Queen Elizabeth, without a doubt.
    Marie Curie, to sit across from Newton.
    Marilyn Monroe and Maggie Smith.
    Judy Garland.
    Carrie Fisher.
    Emily Dickinson, across from Edgar.
    Agatha Christie.
    Next to me on the other side: Kim Cattrall. (I met her once IRL, for 2 minutes, and she was kinder and sweeter, looking like hell and dog-sick, in that two minutes, than people I was married to were their entire born lives. I’d love to spend an evening with her at her best.)

    Party to start on Friday night, and go three meals a day and all the weekend, until the wee hours Monday, weekly, for at least a year. My party, my rules.

    Oh, and I’d invite Chuck Norris and Karl Marx, along with Lenin, Mao, and Castro, but I’d arrange it so they all met separate from the other guests, in an anteroom with two-way mirrors, so the rest of us could watch the entertainment when they were introduced. Five men enter, one man leaves. We’ll save him a plate, and a slice of desert.

    Skip?
    Goethe.
    Anyone who ever wrote, sang, or performed in opera. Anywhere. In any language.
    Hemingway.
    Douglas MacArthur.

    Have a beer with?
    Sam Adams. I don’t drink, but we could talk a little treason anyways.

    On a plane?
    Bob Newhart and Johnathan Winters.
    But only if we sat next to the cabin intercom, which they’d take turns snatching when the flight attendants were busy, and alternately scaring hell out of or ripping to the floor with laughter, the entire passenger list, on a non-stop from L.A. to Sydney Australia.

    Fight with?
    Benedict Arnold. Bare knuckles. Over and over and over. Best 200 out of 399.

    And then LBJ and Robert McNamara. Tag team for them, same rules otherwise. Which would be “roller derby”.

    Argue with?
    Richard Dawkins, and Bill Maher.

    Debate lumps to be actual, not ceremonial, and awarded by Ty Cobb, with bat, or Mike Tyson, any way he wanted.

    Since you asked.

    1. Hey, now, don’t let great episodes get in the way of a bad joke . . .

      Now, how to argue with that list? I can’t. Except with that list, we’d need to be at a hotel for a month . . .

  18. I’d skip Einstein too. The next morning he’d file 18 new patents and I would feel very, very used.

    Ben Franklin would be okay, as long as you didn’t bring The Mrs.

    Hitler? No. I don’t speak German.

    I think it would have to be George Washington, but only on October 30 1794, right after the Whiskey Rebellion had been crushed. I’d just stare at him and ask, “Tell me again why we fought the British?” Then I’d request a wooden tooth as a souvenir. The one with the masonic compass engraved on it.

    1. Person I’d most like to have ( a loooong) dinner with? Gloria Talbott. Wonderfully gifted actress, very much a minimalist in her approach to her craft (as I am in my personal life).

      Also Patton and Rommel, the latter being one of the greatest military *leaders* of the 20th century. The main reason he lost in North Africa was because of the perfidy of certain members of the Italian High Command, who hated Mussolini and notified the Brits whenever a re-supply ship set sail for North Africa.

  20. Just a little story about Ole Remus . I was so impressed by so much of his writing I emailed him and tried to send him some money . He repeatedly turned my offers down after assuring me he was quite comfortable and did not need or want my money or the strings that come with money . He was a great mind for sure and I miss him.

  21. A much longer sit down conversation with General William Wes Westmoreland. I had the honor of having drinks with the General and his wife during the time we were remodeling his vacation home in Cashiers NC a few years before he died.

    Perhaps a drinking/fishing trip with Hemingway. That would be a hoot.

    And it would have been nice to travel and adventure with Louis Lamour before he became a famous writer, to see where the impetus for some of his future writing came from.

    1. Wow – that’s a great story. Hemingway? As long as we weren’t going bird hunting. Lamour – nice call.

  23. “18-year-old Chuck Norris. I don’t have a death wish.”

    Heh, wouldn’t that be Charles Bronson?

  25. Yes I know but. I to miss Remus. I found this,
    and on occasion on a Tuesday go back and read some old ones I may not have seen before I found his site.

    A lot of people said Jesus is who they would like to have dinner with. I think I would as well but he is not dead. Never thought of Remus but that would be my answer now that I have seen that selection.

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