Silly Predictions for 2019. Bonus? Golden Bikini Force.

“Wait till my real crystal ball gets here.  I’ll show you I can predict things, you dumb ol’ turkey brain.” – Beverly Hillbillies

Okay, I did real predictions last year.  They weren’t fun.  This was more fun.

I was thinking about writing a post dealing with collapse of civilizations as brought about either through hard physical limits or via failure of financial and governance systems.  But I hadn’t done the research that I wanted to do and was too tired to make stuff up, so you’ll have to wait until next Wednesday for that post.  Instead, you get:

Stunningly Specific Predictions for 2019

January:

• Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will become the first member of Congress in history to wear pink unicorn yoga pants to a swearing in and will commit a gross breach of House decorum when caught sticking her bubblegum under her chair. Further, she will explain that socialism means “cute rich Kennedy boys for everyone to date” in an editorial she writes for Tiger Beat® which is later picked up by the New York Times©.
• The New Horizons space probe, having passed Ultima Thule, will discover the Weapons of Mass Destruction that Saddam Hussein cunningly hid in the Kuiper Belt, beyond the orbit of Pluto. Neil deGrasse Tyson explains this makes sense, as there are “no Kurds in the Milky Way.”
• Ted Nugent is named as Donald Trump’s nominee for Secretary of Defense, and performs guitar solos during Senate confirmation hearings in response to all questions by Senators. Nugent is confirmed 89-3 after his second encore.  Kid Rock is confirmed as Secretary of (Sweet) Homeland Security.

February:

• Donald Duck® will be the next victim of the #metoo campaign, when it is alleged that he walked into Minnie Mouse’s™ dressing room without his pants. Donald Duck’s™ defense that he “never wears pants” is largely ignored.  Porky Pig™ currently fighting extradition from Yemen.
• People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) will declare a steak and bacon exemption on their ban on eating animals. “We had steak and bacon on a sandwich that was supposed to be free-range tofu, and we were shocked at how really good this was and how quickly our anemic arms developed the strength to lift more than a soy latte.  We are so sorry that we ever told people not to eat steak.  And bacon?  This stuff is delicious.  We’d issue a longer statement but we have a lot of catching up to do.  Yay, ribeyes!”
• Robert Mueller concludes his investigation into Russian Collusion and submits his report to Rod Rosenstein. Mueller is given a C- for his work and told, “You can do so much better, Robert, I expect more than this level of effort.”  Mueller is passed to the next grade.  Mueller notes in his defense that he “wrote the entire report during first hour on the day it was due, so a C is actually pretty good.”

March:

• Christine Blasey-Ford will demand additional Congressional hearings with Supreme Court Justice Bret Kavanaugh, claiming to have found unwanted notes saying, “Do You Like Me? Check Yes□ or No □  If you are my girlfriend I won’t tell that you were eating paste,” on her desk while giving testimony to the Senate in October.  Kavanaugh’s spokesman will respond, “Nuh-uh.  Liar, liar, pants on fire.”
• The 731^st Gender will be discovered and announced. It is described as an unusual sexual attraction to teak side tables with white lace doilies.  This will bring the number of preferred Gender Pronouns up to 2,432.
• Canada invaded. Resistance minimal.  Sarah Palin confirmed as “Queen in the North” by the Senate, given dominion over everything north of Wisconsin.  Prime Minister Justin Trudeau captured, his Eyebrow still at large.

April:

• Ruth Bader-Ginsburg will announce that she has transplanted her brain into an immortal 2000 foot (2 meter) tall android body, and will henceforth be known as RoboJustice Ruth Bader-Ginsbot 2000™. She still smells vaguely of mothballs and carries hard butterscotch candies in her purse.
• Sauron nominated to fill vacancy left when RoboJustice Ruth Bader-Ginsbot 2000© declares herself the supreme voice of justice on Earth, going on rampage to destroy climate change.

May:

• RoboJustice Ruth Bader-Ginsbot 2000® will be destroyed by the Japanese Defense Force acting in concert with Godzilla on the outskirts of Tokyo. Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea will participate in the defense of Tokyo using his golden-bikini clad “Workers Girl Force,” which distracts Ginsbot long enough for Ted Nugent, riding atop a white stallion, to play a killer guitar solo while Godzilla dismisses her case.  With prejudice.
• The Boy graduates from High School.
• Government still shut down, but everyone forgot, what with the Ginsbot attack. Most positions and programs eliminated.

June:

• The DNA of the 37 Democratic Presidential Candidates is mixed in a secret lab in Bulgaria, and the result is slightly more Native American than Elizabeth Warren and results in the creation of a 732^nd It also has the hair of Biden, the hips of Hillary, and the lower jaw of O’Rourke.  It immediately gains the support of 47% of the electorate despite walking in a shambling manner, and making a shallow sucking sound each time it takes a step.  It is unable to communicate except through a deep, mournful moan.  It is known as Democraticus, but goes by “Dave.”
• “Dave” defeats Bernie Sanders in every debate held in June. Dave triumphs via physical combat.  The debates have the benefit of being short, especially the last one, effectively ending the Sanders campaign and his ability to floss.
• Archduke Franz Ferdinand will be assassinated in Sarajevo. Trudeau’s Eyebrow spotted leaving the scene.

July:

• Paris burning, again.   Macron, realizing that the French can go totally overboard, heads to a secret hideout on a volcanic island in the Pacific.
• Trudeau’s Eyebrow partners with former French President Emmanuel Macron to form the League of Deposed Heads of State. They are soon joined by Zombie Chairman Mao and his henchman, Ché

August:

• The DOW-Jones Industrial Average will drop 3400 points during August.
• Royal Family of Britain to revive beheading: “Really tired of Meghan Markle’s crap.”  Tickets sell out in record time.
• Richard (Dick) Nixon cloned and mass produced, but is miniaturized to 12” tall for environmental concerns. During August, you can get one with a $5 footlong at Subway®.  Yeah, not the joke you were expecting . . .

September:

• September to be cancelled by general agreement.

October:

• The DOW-Jones Industrial Average will drop another 5000 points during October.
• President Trump will declare an economic emergency, and will appoint Ted Nugent as Special Economic Czar. Nugent forms the “Cat Scratch Economic Prosperity Plan,” which consists of him playing Cat Scratch Fever in a loincloth nonstop until the market begins to rise.  Market gains back all losses in five hours, interest rates drop, and student costs to go to college (except for books) drop by 50% in the same time period.  Loincloth nominated for Nobel® Economics Prize.
• Trudeau’s Eyebrow bombing plot will be thwarted by Wal Mart© clerk. “We came within a hair’s breadth of having that bomb go off.”  Police now concerned that Macron will wear Trudeau’s Eyebrow and become the Unibrow Bomber.

November:

• Health care problems all solved! It turns out it was simple all you had to do was . . . oh, I don’t want to spoil this for you.  You’ll see.
• Thanksgiving saved as you remember to take the turkey out on time. Still moist.  Now your mother-in-law can’t complain.  About that, at least.

December:

• President Trump presents Ted Nugent with the Congressional Guitar of Honor for saving Tokyo and the economy.
• RoboJustice Ruth Bader-Ginsbot 2000™ crawls up from the thick mud of Tokyo Bay, having reconstituted herself into her new form, a submarine of nuclear fire and justice, and joining forces with the Deposed Heads of State. The Ginsbot offers Macron a “whole quarter” to massage her corns.
• Trudeau’s Eyebrow laughs menacingly as 2019 comes to an end.

 

Markle Picture via Northern Ireland Office [CC BY 2.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons