“All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say ‘Yo Goober! Where’s the meat?’ I’m trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don’t win friends with salad.” – The Simpsons
Oh, sorry. I meant a double BACON cheesemurder.
When we lived in Alaska, we got tickets to drive into Denali National Park one year. On that particular weekend, The Mrs. was feeling under the weather so she decided to send The Boy (then a freshly-minted kindergartner) and I instead while she stayed home with Pugsley, who had yet to be grounded, being all of 16 . . . months. I stopped for gas, and decided to get some road food for us since this was our first “just the guys” trip.
I grabbed some beverages, some chips, some candy, and, on the wall behind the cash register I saw some jerky. The brand name was Alaska Jack’s®. It was a clear plastic package of jerky with a gold foil label. The picture on the label was of an old Alaska gold miner, a grizzled old timer wearing buckskin, with a beard and a fur hat. I bought it.
The Boy had never seen jerky before. He stood alongside me at the cash register and looked at the stringy dried pieces of meat in the plastic bag and turned it over. He looked up at me.
“What is it?” He was clearly puzzled.
“Meat. Dried meat,” I responded.
He took another look at the picture of Alaska Jack™, “What kind?”
A long pause.
“Human?”
I bring this (very true) story up because a recent study indicates that a food that mankind has been eating for nearly all of its existence is . . . wait for it . . . not bad for you. Meat has been a staple food for mankind since our grimy, dim ancestors with questionable hygiene first took a bite out of a dead critter and asked, “hey, Ugg, this is pretty good, but do you have any ketchup or A-1®?”
Not only have we been eating meat forever, there is evidence that we have been cooking meat for perhaps a million years, which is almost enough time to make a brisket tender. It is certain we’ve been cooking meat for 400,000 years, and man has been having backyard BBQ’s on a regular basis for 250,000 years. So, color me shocked that science shows that the cooked meat we’ve been eating for at least 20,000 generations of people is . . . good for you.
The next part will be really shocking: meat has changed less in human history than nearly any other food we eat today. Broccoli looks nothing like broccoli 3,000 years in the past. Corn? You wouldn’t recognize it even 1,000 years ago. The wild spaghetti plant? Yup. Similar – wild spaghetti looks just like rice. Heck wild elbow macaroni wasn’t grown until Benjamin Franklin first cross-pollinated a piece of fettucine with a water pipe in 1321.
Yeah, a cow is different today – it’s bigger and juicier, but the meat is the same. Sweet, sweet, cow meat. Heck, I’m making me hungry now.
Given that science is advancing so quickly, I’ll expect to see these headlines soon: “Water is Wet, New Studies Show” and “Scientists Say: Possible Link Between Sex and Babies Showing Up Nine Months Later” and “New Research Says Ben Shapiro’s Voice Makes 95% of All People Want to Choke Him Until He Passes Out, Take His Money, Buy Themselves Something Nice.” If you have any money left over, I’m looking for some cool PEZ® dispensers.
I’ll admit science has some mysteries. I can’t understand how a cat got a taste for tuna, since I’ve yet to see a deep sea fleet of cats in the wild fishing for them.
Why do people always say they’re having a tuna fish sandwich? Is there a tuna bird or tuna cow I’m unaware of?
What may amuse me the most is that several of the headlines noted that this finding was “controversial” and that you needed to read another article to see “What the Meat Study Didn’t Say.” The old conventional view that Meat is Bad® simply cannot be allowed to be refuted.
I heard about a new Emo pizza – it cuts itself. Okay, on that train to hell, I’ll take an aisle seat, please.
The sad truth is this emo-angst-fest is another example of how science, once perverted via either large corporate interests or by Leftist indoctrination, becomes an instrument not of knowledge but of propaganda. Case in point – in one of the articles about the incredibly shocking finding that meat is both tasty and healthy, the New York Times® said, “An extensive study confirms that red meat might not be that bad for you. But it is bad for the planet, with chicken and pork less harmful than beef.”
I guess the New York Times© can’t figure out that t-a-s-t-y isn’t spelled h-a-r-m-f-u-l. Silly New York Times™. I’ll throw some real controversy out there: ribeye kicks bacon’s butt. There. I said it. And I stand by it.
But what is this nonsense all about? In the immortal words of Joe Bob Briggs (LINK),
This means they’ll do anything to avoid simply putting together a bunch of plants and vegetables in a healthy stew/salad/whatever and labeling it as “Healthy Stew/Salad/Whatever.” They want you to think it’s meat. The vegetarians want to consume it as a meat. You don’t need to go to those lengths, though, because we already have a food group that satisfies that need. It’s called, uh, meat.
That’s in response to Impossible Burgers®, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Meat©, Soylent Meat™ or whatever. The push is to take meat and replace it with either:
- Mutant cow stem cells cultured in a vat of despair, or
- A “plant based protein” mixture which I resent on principle because when you eat plants, you’re eating what my food eats, and that’s just not right, or
- Bug burgers. Bug burgers. or,
- The food that will turn us all into Wendigos.
Okay, a Wendigo is a Native American term for what happens to a person when they cultivate a taste for human flesh, it’s based on the tale of a lost hunter who, in a moment of intense hunger, eats his dead buddy. After that? He turns into a giant emaciated partially human creature, whose greed knows no bounds. Sure this sounds like Miley Cyrus or Johnny Depp, but in the Native American tale it was probably a little less scary.
This explains a lot.
The War on Meat brings together the Global Warming™ Cultists, PETA® zombies, and, well, the Leftist Cannibal Brigade©. Okay, I made the Cannibal Brigade™ up, but it’s not far from being true (LINK):
Stockholm School of Economics professor and researcher Magnus Söderlund reportedly said he believes eating human meat, derived from dead bodies, might be able to help save the human race if only a world society were to “awaken [sic] the idea.”
Greta loves eating people to save the planet, but she draws the line at clowns. She says they taste funny.
I’m pretty sure that calling anyone from Sweden a scientist anymore is stretching the definition of scientist to its breaking point. Magnus Söderlund might have a cool first name, but he’s not a scientist, he’s a political hack who is deluded to such an extent that he thinks eating people is a good idea that he can share. In public. He has that opinion, and he’s not worried about people with large nets taking him off to a padded room where he can’t hurt anyone anymore.
Hey, at least he’s not the only one. At the recent town hall of Super Genius Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, C-NY, at last we got a level-headed answer on what we have to do to save the climate:
The hilarious part when I watched this clip was that Super Genius Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, C-NY had the opportunity to say what 99.999999% of people on the planet would have said: “No, that’s clearly insane,” missed her chance. She simply said that there are a lot of different ideas on how to save the planet. This is the equivalent of her pulling a three year old up on stage to protect her from a cream pie in the face.
All of this is based on the ideas of eating plants (Ewww®), bugs (Still Better Than Plants©), cultured cells (Still Better Than Plants©), or human jerky (only good if it it’s the kind from the Alaskan convenience store) is better than having a steak or a burger. The Left is trying to infringe on the Zero Amendment, so an unrestrained and over-the-top response is required. What is the Zero Amendment?
“A meatless People being a Danger to a Free State; Congreth thall maketh no law to infringe on the Rights of the People to have great gobbets of meat, with rivers of grease running down their chins after a great feast, with the meat done preferably medium rare.”
Okay, if even plants aren’t completely vegan, why are people? Oh, because of the Prius®-smug factor. Sorry. My bad.
My solution to the whole problem is rather easy. Since meat is now healthy, I suggest this modest proposal:
Trans-Meat.
Meat shall now be identified as a plant, so vegetarians can eat it. Cows shall now be identified as bugs, so hippies can eat it. Meat shall now be identified as a collection of cells, so Elon Musk can eat it. Cows, pigs and chickens shall now be identified as human, so the Swedes can eat them. And so they can vote for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, C-NY.
Thankfully, Alaska Jack© has already shown us the way.
I once heard that a woman from New York went into a store and was upset about wool sweaters. “We shouldn’t kill sheep for their wool!”
The salesman responded: “Ma’am, nobody kills sheep for their wool.”
I read somewhere, and I don’t remember where, humans don’t do very well, when meat is removed from their diet. I’m sure the researchers, and author, for this information were burned at the stake, and served with coleslaw.
Children’s brains are developed from animal fats and proteins.
Or were they burned at the steak?
Wilder: “I once heard that a woman from New York went into a store and was upset about wool sweaters. “We shouldn’t kill sheep for their wool! The salesman responded: “Ma’am, nobody kills sheep for their wool.”
Think that was Occasional-Cortex, of the Crazy Lunatic Party-NY
Am I right?
Occasional-Cortex seems the kind of person who would protest killing Naugas for their hides.
Come to think of it, with her Green Leap Forward*, she essentially is opposed to Nauga hides….
*I haven’t yet decided whether I prefer “Green Nude Eel” or “Green Leap Forward.” What are y’all’s thoughts on the matter?
Nude Eel. Much sexier.
It could have been! But then she went out to protest people cutting down trees for the oranges.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QO9SS1NS6MM
https://www.beyondmeat.com/
https://www.mosameat.com/
https://www.memphismeats.com/
Where I have decided to have lunch today after reading this article (well, at my local franchise, anyway…):
https://www.dreamlandbbq.com/about-dreamland
Been to Dreamland, the original. Good ribs.
Dang, now I want BBQ.
I was thinking about going to Burger King and trying an UnPossible burger, but the last time I went there the “value” menu serving real meat cost me $10+ for two burgers and two fries, no drinks. Thanks, I don’t EVER need to eat at your establishment ever again when Kroger will sell me a pound of burger for $2 on sale. It wasn’t that long ago a fast food place was cheaper than eating at home. Where are the robots when we need them? I’ll worship Skynet for cheaper fries. Long story short, I don’t think I’ll be trying Fake Meat. I think that was my only point-I get distracted when thinking of deep fried taters.
Mmmm, deep fried taters. I’m with you. Prices are up at all fast food places. I went to the King and had the Pretzel Bun Burger. I liked it.
“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals: I am a vegetation because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown
YES! One of my favorites.
I trust you’ve seen this t-shirt.
No, that was the first time. I love it!
“Hey, vegans, you can thank me for killing that cow that was eating all of your food.”
Have you ever looked at what they use for lab-grown cell-culture meat growth medium? I’ll give you a hint: it’s not grass clippings. It’s Fetal Calf Serum, or Fetal Bovine Serum, which comes from… slaughtering pregnant cows. So, “no beef for sale” means “no source of FBS”, so no cell-culture beef, either.
Thermo-Fisher Scientific sells it. You can get the “value” grade ($1228 per liter), but if you demand “the least risk of BSE and lower viral risk”, you’ll probably go for premium grade which is just $1389 per liter. I have no idea what the conversion ratio is, of FBS to syn-less-burger, but I kind of doubt that you can get 1000 lbs of SLB from $1400 of FBS (plus who knows what else?) so that puts a floor on the price. (For those of you unfamiliar with the SI unit of volume, one liter of FBS is probably more than you’d want to drink at one sitting, but not by much.)
Besides, Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian, and you don’t want to turn out like he did, do you?
Wow! I’m sure that at $1228 per liter it’s carbon-neutral and sustainable. Can’t imagine drinking a full liter of BSE, at least not before lunch.
Yeah, about those smug, gratingly unctuous, virtue-broadcasting, plant-pedestalizing, meat-eschewing know-it-alls – something tells me that these are the same insufferable twirps who refuse to acknowledge the biological gender of their own issue (on the rare occasions that they produce them) and denigrate anything and everything else regarded as traditional and backed by 2 million years of (arguably) successful human evolution.
My housecleaner is a militant vegan with a not-terribly-surprising lesbionic bent who survives on Red Bull, Chardonnay and pre-packaged bean burritos. With rotten teeth, brittle nails, thinning hair and charter membership in the Halitosis Hall of Fame, the only reason I keep her in my employ is her demonic aversion to dust and an admittedly badly misplaced sense of pity on my part. But if she persists in lecturing my wife at each of her biweekly visits on the unassailable virtues of a meat-free diet, I may start smoking my own bacon whenever she is due.
The facts, at least according to this unrepentant, bloodthirsty carnivore, are these: Salad is an accessory. It is not a meal. Fruit and veg are colorful, but for my money, the Maillard reaction when animal flesh meets searing heat provides all the ‘color’ I need. And modern grains are a genetic abomination. The fact that the bulk (heh) of the foods that self-righteous vegans allow themselves are notoriously protein-poor and come virtually pre-digested as refined plant-based Franken-fare goes a long way toward explaining why such a preponderance of the vegans I have known are fat and deucedly unattractive (see preceding paragraph introducing Porcella, my housekeeper).
The whole point of militant veganomics, so far as I can tell, is to save the planet from the ravages of meat production in order to sustain an infinitely greater number of meat-haters until Hilary is finally elected to some office or other when their numbers simply overwhelm us. What they don’t realize is that at this point something known as the Vegan Event Horizon inevitably occurs, civilization collapses and we return to a barter economy in which John Wilder’s collection of Pez candies becomes more valuable than gold.
I love every syllable of this comment.
Especially the golden PEZ. That was foretold in the old prophecy.
Now we know how it occurs.
“Funniest post about meat = murder”
Can confirm. I read sections aloud to my mom and daughter, and they laughed.
Good deal. Thanks so much – I added soy to the next post based on your last post. Heh. I laughed out loud.
Since our generation is being blamed for destroying the planet, Soylent Gray will probably be the first item on the new trans woke menu, but I would avoid it. Too many preservatives.
It could be, but it really will be gluten free.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
I would offer a minor corrective. Meat you buy in the store doesn’t resemble the meat people used to eat. We raised our own Tamworth hogs, a heritage breed, outside with access to fresh air and rooting in the dirt. The ham you got from a Tamworth was a rich deep red color and incredibly flavorful. Comparing it to the watery, pale, tasteless “ham” you get in the store is a borderline criminal offense. Same with the bacon. Of course it takes a Tamworth longer to get to full size so it is not really viable for a mass market. The same is true for chickens, both the meat and the eggs.The pale, watery store bought eggs are not even close to the rich, dark colored yolks of an egg from a chicken that is outside. The giant globalist food companies will be able to sneak “meat alternatives” cooked up in a lab, or bugs or puppies or babies, into our food because people a) don’t know what meat is supposed to taste like and b) don’t care what they are eating if it is cheap enough and has enough salt and sugar to mask the taste. The more we cram people into cities and suburbs, the easier it will be to turn Soylent Green into a documentary. Also, very disappointed by the lack of a Soylent Green meme in this post.
Heh, I thought I had overused the Soylent Green. As to the pork and eggs . . . yes, they are very different (as is milk!) but a Roman 2000 year ago would recognize them. Corn? Wheat? Potatoes? Tomatoes?
They wouldn’t have a clue as to what those things even were.
The Tamworth sounds tasty. Can one buy Tamworth meat?
You would have to find a local provider, the laws about butchering animals for sale are pretty onerous. Best bet would be to find someone in your area that has them and agree to buy half a hog. I have been to this farm, they don’t raise Tams (I think they are using Berkshires) but the pork is pasture raised: https://sevensons.net/store/pork
Am I a vegantarianist?
Sure, two-thirds of my plate.
Other than that, not my kink.
If I restaurant with a vegantarianist, do I avoid meat?
Nope.
“Enjoy your toe-foo and sprouts dessert.”
I like a nice potato, broccoli, a salad. But they can’t substitute for ribeye.
Does anyone get the feeling that Americans will be wearing Mao suits and giving Nazi salutes soon?
What is sold these days as meat is a 1,000 miles from what we were eating just a 100 years ago. Feedlots, pig farms, soy, massive doses of antibiotics…not for me. I’ll have some grass finished beef on occasion or chicken fed a non soy based feed but for the most part, it’s wild caught fish as my main protein source. I have bought 1/2 a pasture raised cow and love my deer meat but right now, my living arrangements preclude that. Soon I’ll be off to my last stand and will be raising my own poultry so in the meantime, ahi tuna, cod and perch get worked pretty good.
Mmmmm. Venison.
Excellent column and comments. Thank you all.
Glad you enjoyed!!!