Parody – Page 2 – Wilder, Wealthy, and Wise

Open Thread For Debate Liveblog, Plus A Prediction Of How It Will Go

“I would not presume to debate you.” – Star Trek II: Wrath of (Prose and) Khan(s)

Clothing optional. No, I really don’t want to know. Really, I don’t.

It’s 2020, and the first debate, so let’s have a little fun with it. Starting tomorrow at the beginning of the debate, you’re invited to a live debate party. If you’re here on Wednesday morning, this counts as the Wednesday morning post.

Where? Here. On this post, right in the comment section. Just be here when the debate starts and refresh the page every so often, and comment away! No ID required and no cover charge, but there is a two-drink minimum.

The Mrs. has tentatively agreed to join in and may even be interested in having some wine during the festivities, so you can expect my stuff to be extra good. The rules are fairly simple. Join in, and comment as we roast marshmallows on the bonfire of Western civilization. The funnier the better, but do please try to keep it PG-13 and don’t make me edit out stuff.

Because I will.

How do I think the debate will go?

Probably something like this:

Chris Wallace: Good evening. Per the rules that both of you approved, Vice President Biden will be allowed to occasionally bellow out the names of people that are dead, but that he thinks are still alive. President Trump will be allowed to yell two words with strange emphasis whenever they pop into his head.

The first question is for you, Vice President Biden. How do you like doing soothing things, like painting? Do you like other art projects?

Vice President Biden: C’mon man! I remember back when I worked in the chimichanga factory back in Delaware while running drugs for the Juarez Cartel. This poor little girl, who was just as smart as a white girl, would want to touch the golden fuzz on my neck, right here . . . .

President Trump: HUN-tEr CrackHEAD.

Vice President Biden: Well, Fat, I was in the Senate back in 1840, and let me tell you that Henry Calhoun wouldn’t have had crack, because Lincoln didn’t invent that thing, you know, the toy . . .

Chris Wallace: Lincoln Logs®?

President Trump: UkraiNIAN corrupTION.

Vice President Biden: C’mon, it was back when I had my first Buick. It was a 1953, I think, bought it from John Travolta back when he was a ghost-man. You know about the ghost-men, right? Only come at night, crawl up your leg, leave a hell of a mess?

Chris Wallace: Thank you Vice President Biden. President Trump, can you explain how the 1963 IRS laws concerning tax treatment of hotel properties in Barbados after an earthquake are impacting Russian-Chinese relations?

President Trump: Yes. You see, HUN-tEr Bi-DEN was very sad in his dealings with his brother’s ex-wife – you know he married her, yes? And then HUN-tEr had some sort of stripper baby. Very sad. Very disrespectful.

Vice President Biden: Marlena Dietrich! Is she here tonight?

President Trump (to Biden): You work for me.

Vice President Biden: What? No, I don’t. I quit that job. C’mon. Want me to bust you in the chops behind the gym? I’ll show you who knows how to do pushups because . . . you know the thing. I’ve gone on too long. God bless Ruth Vader Gilbert and Sullivan. Helluva Broadway show, let tell you that. Full of sparkly toasters and ham.

President Trump: You see? Lock him up.

Or maybe it won’t go like that. It’s 2020. All bets are off. I’d suggest a drinking game based upon Joe Biden saying “C’mon”, losing his place, visibly showing the signs of a meth overdose or brain aneurism or saying two hundred thousand. One drink for each ad hominin attack on Trump.

For Trump, you’d take a drink every time he says two words and pauses, nodding knowingly, uses the word “Hunter”, uses the word Chin-a, or insults Joe directly with a “Sleepy Joe” or “Chinese Joe” type insult.

Finish your glass if Joe Biden suggests pushups. Finish the bottle if Joe does a pushup or tries to physically attack Trump or his adult diaper leaks. Also finish the bottle if anyone from CNN says anything other than, “decisive victory” for Biden.

See you at the debate!

Dear Diary: Ocasio-Cortez talks about being moist

WilderAnon, or WAnon transmitted this information to me tonight which explains this first-ever Tuesday post. How he got it from the future is beyond me – something about a paradox whereby I avoid all legal liability. I’m liking that. To read about QAnon go here (LINK). I have no idea if WAnon represents a Deep State operative of the NSA with a time machine or the voices in my head.

January 3, 2019, 11:03 EST

Dear Diary,

It’s nice that I have a place to share my secrets and intermoist, er innermost thoughts. Ha ha ha, I wrote moist. Must be me thinking about Marco again (blush).

When I started moving my stuff in today, I was pretty excited. Then they told me that what I thought was my office was just the coat closet. I sure wish I was stuck in that closet with Marco! I sat in my pretend coat closet office in the corner for about two hours until my staff found me. They seemed really excited. It was nice to get out of that office because there isn’t a light in there, but I didn’t want to complain because I didn’t want to get fired on my first day.

Ever wonder what you would do if you were in a dark closet for two hours? I licked the walls, like anyone would. They were pine, but they tasted like salt. I sniffed the carpet, and it was surprisingly odor free, except for one corner. I played with my eyebrow. Oh, eyebrows since the electrolysis worked to remove the middle part and I now look less like a dwarf from Lord of the Rings and more like Liv Tyler.

My real office is big and has a nice desk, and there’s a brand-new laptop there. I asked my staff where I’m supposed to clock in so I get paid, and they explained to me that I didn’t have to clock in. Honor system, I guess. I’m not sure how I’m going to get overtime if I don’t clock in. Maybe there’s a timesheet. There’s a nice couch in my office, too. It makes me think of Marco and his broad shoulders and spending time with him on that couch. And that makes me blush!

I looked in my desk and found that they already had stickers, multi-colored erasers, gel pens, and the latest episode of Tiger Beat® ready for me. But I also have this new laptop. Somebody from IT set me up on this computer, and said that they had even set up a place for me to share my thoughts, and gave me a link to this diary. ZOMG! So excited!

I have 10 people on staff, and they asked me where I want them to be. Well, after the one who gets me Sour Patch Kids®, the one who picks up my dry cleaning, and the one who gets me latte, I’m not sure what I want the others to do. Maybe write plays about how power corrupts?

I am so glad that I brought up the fact that, in addition to being Spanish, Puerto Rican, and Native American I am also Jewish. I’m thinking of playing up that aspect in my next campaign, because who doesn’t love the Jews? I am biding my time to when I will announce that I’m also descended from interstellar visitors from Ceti Alpha 3, and a previously unknown race of sentient cats, and I am their kitten. If only I was in a relationship with someone who was gay, I would be the queen of intersectionality!

My new apartment is nice. I got there last night and moved in my futon and my clothes. My milk crates and planks are a great bookcase for my Karl Marx Swimsuit edition coloring book. Heat is free with the apartment, so last night I turned up the heat to 80 and walked around wearing only my Uggs®, while listening to Ariana Grande while sipping a pumpkin-spice latte. I then spent some time plucking my mustache. Marco says that if I don’t, I look like Fidel Castro.

Oh, Marco. I can’t stop thinking about him and his flowing brown hair, and his strong, muscular arms . . . Marco, Marco, Marco. I asked him to move down here to Washington with me, but he turned me down. He said that his life was in New York. It bothers me that I can’t get Marco out of my mind, since he’s never even kissed me. Sure, we go shopping together, he has such great taste. And he helped me decorate my apartment, too. Now I just walk around my new apartment naked and spend time eating Cocoa Puffs® – Mom isn’t here to tell me I can’t! I’ll sit here, naked, eating Cocoa Puffs©, plucking myself, and thinking about Marco.

Well, Dear Diary, I’ll hit save and go wander around for a bit. Honestly, I’m feeling a bit . . . restless after thinking about Marco. I needz moar pumpkin latte!

January 3, 2019, 3:03 EST

Dear Diary,

Well that was a surprise! My staff came running into the office about twenty minutes after I left you and told me that my Diary was going out to everyone on the Internet. Silly staff. I had to explain to them that there was no way it was going out to the Internet, since it was on my computer, right here. I showed them, and everything, but I don’t think they understood. They just walked out half an hour later shaking their heads. I’m not sure that they’ve ever had someone as smart as me in office, maybe I need to explain it more slowly to them that if I can see it on *my* screen, it’s not on the Internet.

Some people are so slow.

Oh, I’ve been working on writing my first piece of legislation. It’s about medical care. Each person deserves their own doctor, and if my legislation passes, each person will have their own, individual doctor. Someone who is concerned only with their health. My legislative staff laughed, because they said we would need 300,000,000 doctors if my plan passed. Well, if it’s the law, we’ll have 300,000,000 doctors! You can’t break the law!

Another one said that President Poopyhead would veto it. I told them I was too smart for that, because in the bill I’d put a clause that said he couldn’t. They shook their heads. I think they’re surprised no one ever thought of that before.

I think that I’ll call Marco to celebrate! I imagine he’s home by now. He shares his apartment with his best friend, Chad. They must be close – they only have that one bed that they share.

I miss Marco.

To regular readers: this is an experiment and depending on how it works this won’t replace any existing content, but will become a feature in addition to the existing content. We’ll see. Don’t forget, you can subscribe by putting your email in the box up there. I will never share (unless congress subpoenas it) or spam it.

Picture of Cortez via Wikimedia, by El Borde [CC BY 3.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)]