“Don’t worry. It’s good luck. In Haiti.” – Caddyshack
Two cannibals were eating Amy Schumer. One asked the other, “Does anything taste funny to you?” The other cannibal answered: “No.”
Haiti is in trouble. Again. This is not a repeat from (spins wheel) . . . nearly every year in Haiti’s history. If you look back, more Haitian leaders have been killed and eaten (hopefully in that order) than there are grains of sand in a beach.
Okay. That may be an exaggeration, since I made up the statistic. But it’s clear that Haiti is awful. The best part of Haiti is not even close to being as good as the worst part of the United States. I believe it was Michael Yon who described Haitians as “Cannibals Without Borders” which is a phrase I really hate for the sole reason that I didn’t come up with that one on my own.
Dangit.
Look how they’ve kept their plate clean.
Haitians have a history that would make Pol Pot jealous. From the beginning, it was born in blood and slavery, and then managed, somehow, to get worse. I want to make a stand, right here and now, and say that the number of Haitians that should be let into the country is zero.
To be clear, I don’t want most anyone allowed in anymore, but I decided to pick on Haiti because it’s the latest foreign hellhole that will soon be sending in droves of awful people trying to escape the very problems that they created by moving to Nebraska or some place so they can bring the wonders of Voodoo (yes, they still do that) and cannibalism (yes, they still do that) and rape (yes, it’s the national sport) to the Cornhusker state.
As I said, this isn’t entirely a Haitian thing, though they’ve managed the impossible: they make communist Cuba communist Venezuela, and all of the Mad Max® movies look like paradise in comparison to Tuesday in Haiti.
This is what roadside assistance looks like in Haiti.
No, the biggest reason I don’t want Haitians to come to the United States is because I really feel empathy for the Haitians and wouldn’t want to expose them to the horrors of our country. First, it’s a philosophical question: The GloboLeftElite tells me that all cultures are equal. So, if all cultures are equal, I think that depriving Haiti of their best and brightest is selfish. They should stay home and keep their totally equal culture going.
I mean, why shouldn’t they give cannibalism a chance?
Point Two: I’ve been reliably informed that the culture of the United States is filled with systemic racism. Why would we want to bring more People of Color into a situation where they would face that? Why would they want to come here? I realize that Point One says that all cultures are equal, but it’s been pointed out that the culture of the United States is bad, so we cannot in good conscience let anyone else in.
Ever. We’re that bad. We need to keep everyone else from living here.
Why does the expression on Jerry Nadler’s face always say, “Oh, my, that wasn’t a fart.”?
Point Three: I’ve been reliably informed that the United States, while having no culture of its own, steals the culture of various people across the world. Imagine the horror! White teenagers are making tacos, TACOS!, at the local Taco Bell® thus stealing the sacred food that only Hispanics can make and despite the GloboLeftElite© being in favor of diversity.
An aside: I came up with a climate-friendly way to stop the illegal alien problem while fighting Climate Change™ by turning all the illegal aliens into food to stop them from entering the most carbon dioxide creating economy on the planet and killing us all. Sadly, this would be (I am reliably informed by the GloboLeftistElite) cultural appropriation from Haitians. Perhaps we should ship all of the illegal aliens to Haiti to allow them to be consumed, thus feeding Haitians and slowing Global Warming®?
Point Four: The Haitians might feel bad because there are still statues left standing of amazing Americans and Europeans that have achieved things that Haitians didn’t, like killing but not eating lots of Japanese or going to the Moon and not killing or eating anyone up there. We really want to spare their feelings.
How dare the Japanese deny Haitian culture!
Point Five: The vast majority of Black Studies programs in the United States wouldn’t be good for Haitians because they do not, in fact, deal much with black people, but rather with how evil white people (and now those sneaky Asians) have been bad to black people. Since the vast majority of Haitian History (since 1800 or so) has been more-or-less white people free, these college courses would just confuse them.
Point Six: Many Haitians actively say that they hate white people. Good Heavens! The United States is literally filled with white people! I think we should take them (and every other illegal alien that hates white people) and help them by sending them to a country without white people, like Wakanda or the upper part of the Amazon drainage basin.
Point Seven: The United States is one of the most slave-free countries in the world today. In all of the countries of North and South America, Haiti is number two in terms of per capita modern slavery. Why would we want to impose our anti-slavery cultural imperialism on the absolutely equal (according to the GloboLeftElite) slavery practices of Haitians?
In summary, we need to keep Haitians out of the United States because we don’t want to expose them to the toxic United States culture (which also does not exist) which would infect their totally-not-awful-and-not-at-all-a-hellhole-culture-which-is-totally-equivalent-to-the-United-States-except-it’s-better-because-the-Haitians-aren’t-imperialist-colonizers.
Could be worse. Could be raining.
In summary, Haiti is only in trouble because we have tried to help it in the past. We could help by keeping the Haitians in there by sinking their boats and not sending them food except for airdropping them the illegal aliens who are currently suffering oppression and racism by being in the United States.
See? Hard problems have simple Wilder solutions.
Let’s not kid one another – they’re on their way and then here to stay.
Enriching us, no doubt.
When the leader of the rebellion literally calls himself “Barbecue”, you know things are f__ked up. I doubt he will get any statues built in his honor, but do you think they might put his likeness on a commemorative PEZ dispenser?
Perhaps not statues, but I wouldn’t bet against a few pyramids of skulls.
Complete with machete . . .
I approve this message. And the contained immigration policy. How dare we import people to this racist country that stigmatizes [checks notes] everyone but White people. They should all stay home until we Whites can learn to check our privilege. And because we’re kinda busy, you know, building things, it may take a while.
six months in Haiti in 1995. My conclusion is nothing can be done for Haiti. Nothing. No amount of foreign aid, no amount of any kind of assistance from non governmental organizations or education can help haiti. That is also where I learned the UN and I assume all Non government organizations are phony, fake frauds and liars. Judging from what I saw and experienced.
It might take . . . forever. We’re that bad.
Haitians are truly hopeless people and a stark reminder that things like race and biology are real.
And they might even be cursed. Always avoid cursed people.
They are on their way…Kabota or not time is near
Yeah, I heard Biden has already imported tens of thousands.
I’ve had only one dealing with a Haitian. He jumped from a quarantined ship in a petrochemical facility where I was working, ran through the process equipment, ran through the gate, and the last that was seen of him was running down the long street that ran from the gate. Of course, he was only dressed in shorts, and his dreadlocks followed him like a trusted dog. I doubt they ever found him and if even one of the Haitians is like him, they need to sink their boats before they reach shore.
The only real solution is sending anyone supporting bringing refugees into the U.S. to Haiti. Let them solve the problems, or join in at the barbeques. Either way, it beats having to shoot them while they try to steal from your garage.
Jess
Always sink the boats. In the end, it is the most humane thing we can do. Only have to sink one or two so they know we’re serious.
From the title, I knew this would be Swiftian. Here’s a coffee mug for your efforts:
https://educatorandrea.com/store/p/a-modest-proposal-camper-mug
Actually I’m pretty sure Taylor Swift supports Haitian immigrants. Not anywhere near where she lives of course, but in the abstract I’m sure she is a big supporter.
Hahahaha! I love it!
Yeah, Tyson will import some to work at their old Holly Farms facilities in Wilkes County, NC, displacing the locals that voted 75% for Trump in 2016 & 2020. They’ll wind up just like the chickens they’re rendering…Dead Meat.
They’ve already moved out 52,000 from NYC to move to Tyson plants.
May I modestly suggest a Food Aid Pipeline for Haiti?
Most problems have ready solutions as long as we’re a bit flexible! When John is appointed Mondo Regent and I am his toady, I promise to establish the Food Aid Love Pipeline from the U.S. directly to Haiti. I swear it upon my PEZ hoard.
Foodstuffs will consist entirely of smirking creatures culled from D.C. Once we run outta those (it’ll take awhile) the Food Aid Love Pipeline shall begin shipping from NYC large quantities of high-grade Soylent straight to those kind ‘n hopeful folks in Haiti. Love Wins!
After this, Haiti shall feast upon Hollywood.
They can “Make Haiti Less Hungry Again”.
Think of the Diversity!
Arms or legs!
I accept your proposal. (Modestly.)
But remember, all animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others. So when they do come (and they will come), let’s home them in downtown DC and let them eat the more equal pigs who brought them in. It’s a win-win. We get rid of our problem, and they’ll all die from eating long pork that’s past its expiration date.
Escape From D.C.? Great idea! Plisskin approved.
Now THAT is a capital plan! Leave it to the Nar Carolinians to make a good idea better.
This easily could go corporate. Has a Diversity aspect already inbuilt. And get this. We bring in a boatload of REAL pigs. Why? Because it is Environmentally Excellent, of course. Low low low LOW on the Carbon scale, no Schwab Demerits for us good citizens. Porkers eat everything, yes even the teefs. No need for disposal of the deceased. 100% organic.
Right there we got two selling points to pitch to our friends at Blackrock. You’ll thank me later.
Haitians are, no question, a breed apart. Having lived in New York for all of our lives until recently, beloved wife and I are no strangers to that unique mix of stone age evolution and superstitious, barbaric savagery. Just as every other in-house immigrant group gravitates to one menial field or another up on Long Island (mestizos to lawn maintenance, Dot Indians to convenience store ownership, Jamaicans to Uber-driving) the numerous Haitian arrivals have staked out nurse’s aide spots as their special bailiwick, and the hospitals and assisted living facilities are overrun with them.
Beloved wife was a director in a large consortium of nursing homes on the island for many years, and as a dyed-in-the-wool get-along gang type, she will still wince visibly whenever I unleash a little race realism, particularly involving novel N-word venom. But substitute ‘Haitian’ for the verboten N-word and all that changes. They were literal devils to work with, she insists – loud, angry, volatile, completely without empathy. The black employees hated them with passion and every White aide avoided them as much as possible. Nearly every one carried a machete in the trunk of their Mercedes beater, which were brandished from time to time on the slightest provocation.
Rating: One star. Would not recommend.
National Haitian IQ average is 65. Forrest Gump was 75.
There’s nothing wrong with Haiti that couldn’t be solved by repealing the 1963 Atmospheric Nuclear Test Ban Treaty.
And then designating it an impact area.
After the fallout becomes less harmful, around 2084 or so, give the land to the Dominican Republican, as a gift for good behavior.
A perfect contrast between marxism and capitalist societies is provided by Haiti and Dom Republic.
— Haiti has always been a marxist society (they used to just call it a dictatorship).
— DR has been capitalist for a long time.
— Haiti is the eternal %h1t hole.
— DR is nearly a free 1st world country.
Same race of people with similar origins, on the same rock, in the same sea. The only difference is the gov, and DR likely suffers more from the hurricanes since it is on the west end of the island.
abc- Was just on the Cayamo Outlaw Country Music Cruise that docked for a day at Puerto Plata, DR. Left the tourist compound, and we walked around downtown. Clean, pleasant, everyone spoke English.
The same applied to Aruba, but much more upscale. It’s definitelty 90% 1st World. I’d live there.
Imagine what they can do with that smooth, glassy surface!
You have to see the full title of Darwin’s treatise. Wikipedia has a scanned image of the cover at:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/On_the_Origin_of_Species#/media/File:Origin_of_Species_title_page.jpg
So, follow the science.
Gotta be like a Lefty, “Trust the science!”
“Why does the expression on Jerry Nadler’s face always say, “Oh, my, that wasn’t a fart.”?”
Long experience.
I love that clip. 9 seconds in is “the event”.
Forget WDC. I can think of a plucky little nation that’s going to need some sacred diversity after they finish their current genocide.
If you advocate diversity, you should have to take it into your house. Period.