Forgiveness: It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore

“But when you forgive, you love.” – Into the Wild

Dogs go to Heaven, cats go to Purrgatory.

Each and every person has been wronged.  Everyone, but the degree differs for everyone.  Me?  I have approximately three people on my “you’re so morally repugnant that I wouldn’t set them on fire if I were peeing on them” category.  Or did I get that wrong.  Whatever.  In my entire life, only three people.  I’m pretty sure two will drop off the list fairly soon, but it really takes a lot to get on that list.

But at least one of those people I’m fairly certain hasn’t thought of me in a few years.  Yet, for a while I would wake up in the middle of the night and be angry at how I’d been wronged.  There’s nothing worse than being mad an awake at 3 A.M., with the possible exception of having to watch Amy Schumer pretend to do comedy.

So, what did I do?

I let it go, for several reasons.  First, I’ve seen that karma is real and doesn’t have a sense of humor.  Almost everyone who has wronged me in the past has come to great difficulties that my attorney advises me to tell you that I had nothing to do with, and that, besides, I was out of town that weekend.

The Irish gunslinger killed five people with one shot.  His name?  Rick O’Shea.

I have to learn to get past my old grievances.  It’s not for them, you see, it’s for me.  That grief that the person caused me is done.  Heck, they might not even know that they caused it in the first place.  In most cases, the people who wrong us don’t care about us, at all.  It’s less than personal.

In general, when I share your problems, it helps me.

Grievances don’t count.

Grievances aren’t one of those problems.  I don’t know about you, but when a person is constantly bringing me down about things that happened years ago, the evil John Wilder that lives in my head often screams, “LET IT GO!  Who is this complaining helping?”

I’m giving up drinking for a month.  Oops, wrong punctuation.  I’m giving up.  Drinking for a month.

Generally, no one.  Yes, when a wound is raw, it’s fair to have others share the burden.  But after a while, complaining about it makes it easy to stay stuck in the pain.

That’s why I try to not complain.  Fix a problem?  Yes.  Complain about something I can’t fix?  No.  Complaining makes me a victim.  Now, there’s a person who wronged me, and I put myself in the place of a helpless victim.

Tell me again how this is winning?

So, this is one I choke down and don’t share.  In reality, it helps me.  First, people don’t run away or throw themselves into woodchippers when I walk up to avoid hearing me whine.  Second, it removes the subject from my mind, and eventually removes the power over me.

If I started a zoo I’d want to have at least a panda, a grizzly, and a polar bear.  That’s my bear minimum.

The Mrs. and I have talked about the power of forgiveness.  The last time we talked, I was on the favor of, “Nah, they don’t deserve it.”  The Mrs. was relatively constant, however, and I’ve rethought it.  Forgiveness isn’t for them, it’s for me.

The rationale for this is simple:  every time that I think of a tool who wronged me, it results in me being angry.  Who is the only person who should create that emotion?  Me.

Yes, there are times I enjoy being angry.  It’s like taking a shower in chocolate syrup, sure it’s fun once in a while, but I wouldn’t want to make a habit of it, mainly because of the yeast.  But once in a while?

Sure.

Never be angry at lazy people.  It’s not like they did anything.

I have, in the last month, consciously let myself get angry because it felt good.  But forgiveness allows me to get angry when I want to, and not every second of every day and be the emotional puppet of some other person, or worse, some event.

Yeah.  An event.  To be clear, if I stub my toe in the dark of night on the couch while going to get more vodka some water, does the couch care?

No.  The couch doesn’t care.  Events don’t care – they just are.  Being mad at events is has a similar impact to being mad at Tuesday.  Just like that damn, lazy couch, Tuesday doesn’t care.  It just is.  Being mad at something in the past is understandable, but it doesn’t make any sense.

I can be mad about (spins wheel) the Franco-Prussian War, but, well, why?  If I am mad at a situation the way to review it is to understand if I can change it or not.  If I can’t change it, it’s merely a fact, like Tuesday or those damn raisins that keep existing no matter how much I hate their wrinkly expressions taunting me in my dreams.

According to an online survey, 0% of people are Amish.

If there’s a lesson from the past event, I pick it up.  If there’s something I decide I need to change, I change.  If I wouldn’t do anything different, well, what then?

Being upset or angry is okay, but I’ve learned I have to let it go or it’ll eat me up inside, wreck my sleep, and make a situation I’m obviously not happy about worse.

I’ll leave vengeance on people that wronged me to the Manager, since He does that far better than I ever could.  If it’s a situation or event and there’s nothing I can do, I have to let the Manager take care of that, too.  I mean, that’s why He has a job, right?

Don’t avoid difficulty in your life, but don’t take negative situations or people that you can’t control and turn them into situations or people that control you, since I’m officially telling you that you don’t have to pee on them if they’re on fire, I mean, firemen don’t even do that.

Author: John

Nobel-Prize Winning, MacArthur Genius Grant Near Recipient writing to you regularly about Fitness, Wealth, and Wisdom - How to be happy and how to be healthy. Oh, and rich.

47 thoughts on “Forgiveness: It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore”

  1. A really smart guy gave these instructions:
    1. Rebuke them
    2. IF they repent, THEN forgive them

    Jesus did not say forgive, no matter what.

    By the way, the hard part is the rebuking.

    If they don’t repent, don’t forget what they did, and act accordingly.

    1. A reminder that once you are under His yoke (See Mr. Sido below*) you will be judged as you judge others. Are you certain you have repented of all the wrongs you have done both God and your fellow man? Be safe out there, brother.
      (*Brrrr)

      1. Being judged as we judge others (Lord’s Prayer) is an element of our final judgment. It is not the totality of our final judgment. God does as He will.

        I know of nobody who has repented of all sins. Far as I know, we are all sinners and we are all fit for condemnation.

    2. Sometimes you can’t rebuke (no way to contact, etc.) – and if that’s the case, letting it eat me alive isn’t useful unless it makes me better in some way, which is rarely.

  2. It has been said that holding anger against someone who has wronged you is like taking poison and then waiting for the other person to die.
    Forgiveness is so easy to rationalize, but oh, so hard to do!

    2. From a practical perspective, (and in the interest in stopping the destruction of our country), perhaps we should bury those destroying it – rather than just bury our anger at their destructive actions.

      Not that I’d ever suggest actually *doing* such a thing, except perhaps – in Minecraft. 😉

    3. Nope. Never said that. Taking action against those that are against the True, Beautiful, and Good is justified.

  5. Sounds kinda femmie to me. Therapisty.

    I will be the first to say that I am full of love and forgiveness for my enemies, who generally also happen to be the enemies of the king.

    I better be first to say it, because nobody else will. :O)

    My soul is usually mildly joyful, because that’s how God made me. Over time I’ve learned some pity for certain enemies, given that I also once was in complete ignorance, and the Boss mercifully remedied that, not me. So I cut some slack for the ignorant, the propagandized, and they are legion.

    The malevolent and the rebels against God’s created order, I hate and I hunt with gladness, whether they offended me personally or are part of the current rebellion against the Lord. I have been known to turn the other cheek on occasion, but don’t count on it. This is a time of war and that’s what I do best.

    1. Whenever we get a sermon on turning the other cheek, I think to myself, “Pastor’s gonna get mooned today”

    2. Ray, very fair take. I was just pointing out the things that help me sleep at night, to allow my soul to be joyful like yours.

      Again, to be against those who would destroy the True, Beautiful, and Good is always justified. And I sleep well while fighting them.

      1. Speaking of nights, I say the Lord’s Prayer before retiring. Kinda clears the decks before entering the darkness.

        Your way is best and I am acknowledging my limitation. But He’s the one who sent me so He knew ahead of time what He was getting.

        1. I do, too. I do it until I do it perfectly in my mind. Yup, and I’m a flawed vessel as well. But I read at the 8th grade level.

          1. I try to keep from falling asleep in the middle. Whu whussa?

            Then I go back but forget where I left off and what I missed. :O)

            It’s the perfect prayer, that hallows His Name (Father). Can’t go wrong.

  6. I am no longer theologically obligated to forgive anyone and there are plenty of people who are absolutely not deserving of forgiveness. I prefer to hope they receive justice rather than forgiveness. It might not be healthy to obsess over those who have wronged me and my people but forgiveness often seems to be conflated with forgetting. Plenty of petty stuff should be forgiven but there are evil people in this world that seek to harm my family and my people, and to paraphrase Don Corleone: then I do not forgive

    2. Yes there are very evil people in the world, and not a few either. Occasionally I run across them and when I do, I terrorize them to the best of my capacity. Reason being, the next person they run into may well be a victim. I offer some pre-counseling.

      The Lord taught me about these things some years back during a solo ‘camping trip’ (homeless lol) in a national wilderness. A group of folks tried to act the thug and instead got lit up and sent packing, tho I’d have preferred more.

      A few days later a young city man showed up at the campsite, with two little boys in tow. Holiday weekend campers, once a year probably. Had they been the ones to encounter the meth punks it would not have been pretty. At minimum the scum would have humiliated the man in front of his boys.

      All that said, John’s way is the best way, the NT way, the way of the future . . . because it’s the King’s way. I’m just saying I’m not up to that caliber with the forgiveness, and don’t pretend otherwise. I’m an OT type.

      1. ” Forgiveness isn’t for them, it’s for me.”
        It us for us. Like being the kind of person who is trustworthy (“Thou shalt not bear false witness”)*
        Also, your Amush punnery is next level.
        Also, also, on the Dalmation pun alt-text for tablet-readers, and semi-seriously: cats in Purgatory. Obviously, all dogs are waiting for us in heaven. (disclaimer: IAMNAL / RC) Are cats in Purgatory because that is what we need, or they?
        *Cheat codes to the Game of entropy. I tell ya.

    3. The forget part is the add-on probably designed to destroy the main. Like racism to charity or social to justice. Never contractually obligated, natch.

    4. Oh, I don’t forget. And I do believe that justice is always on the menu.

      Funny with the quote: that was almost the lead quote for the post.

  7. Unforgiveness is slavery. Isaac told Esau that he would serve his younger brother. The LORD told Rebekah the same thing. Yet there is no record of Esau “serving” Jacob. But serve him he did.

    Gen 27:40 And by thy sword shalt thou live, and shalt serve thy brother; and it shall come to pass when thou shalt have the dominion, that thou shalt break his yoke from off thy neck.

    Esau hated Jacob for stealing his birthright and then blessing and the last thing he said before Jacob left was “I’m gonna kill him”. Esau served Jacob in the bitterness he felt toward him. But when Esau gained dominion over that bitterness, he broke Jacob’s yoke off his own neck. Bitterness against a person gives them a measure of control over you; a “yoke” you willingly place on your own neck.

  8. Laudable sentiment, JW, but I’ve always lived by “Rarely forgive, never forget”. Like your three incorrigibles, some devils are simply not worthy of forgiveness. I am reminded of the liberal leftist parents and partners of those hopelessly naive SJW warriors killed or maimed by their pets who instantly “forgive” the sub-human beast that harmed their loved one. That’s not how I roll.

    Quite agree, though, that there are far better things to be doing at 3 a.m. than dredging up and rehashing old resentments. But I much prefer “let it go” to “I forgive the d-bag who did that”.

    1. I agree with the “never forget” part – cross me once in a matter of importance, and I’ll never trust again. Cross me in a matter of small importance, my trust level is wickedly small.

      Me? I could forgive them, but also be pleased that they were deleted from the category of “breathing air”.

  10. If you can’t forgive the people on your team who make a well-intentioned mistake, either they won’t be on your team for long, or they’ll be afraid to take any initiative for being afraid of another mistake. Either way, your team loses effectiveness.

  11. There’s always two sides to a story. You may think you’re completely in the right, but one or both of you may have different facts. That’s why polite (not condescendingly so) communication is the key, especially with enemies. Drinking with them may help, because some people just will not share those deep-down thoughts, and so real comms will never be 5×5, good buddy.
    And when some jerk flips you off on the highway, remember that he may have just lost his mother, or his job, or etc.
    Machiavelli said to never do a small injustice to an enemy. Always be polite. They’ll never see the knife.

    1. Wow, how timely an article! Just had a moment in a parking lot, a loud mouth Karen type who stood in a parking spot I was literally turning into, wouldn’t budge because she was saving it for a friend. If not for the cameras and crowds it could have turned ugly. I let it spoil my morning, thought I could make it better by keying her car, nope, made it much worse. Angry and shameful all at once, and it lasted until I read this.

    2. I can recall several instances where I thought I was right, but turned out to be wrong as I got smarter. I probably owe a few people apologies.

  12. Forgiveness really is for us first, John. I have hung onto things far longer than I should have, not realizing that the people in question had often completely forgotten about the thing. I was the only one remembering it.

    That said, just because one forgives, one does not forget. Nor is there a moral imperative to put on into the same situation again. Forgiveness should never be a suicide pact.

    2. Yup, but I have to admit, there are some people who I’m looking forward to watching karma impact . . .

  13. It really is for us. Sometimes I have held onto things that the people have involved have completely forgotten. I am the only one holding onto it – to my detriment.

    That said, forgiving does not mean forgetting. It was never intended as a suicide pact.

  14. Forgiveness isn’t for them, it’s for me.

    True, but ultimately it is for God. He expects us to forgive as He forgives us. I mean, it’s in the Lord’s prayer, right?

      1. years ago, an older sister at church said “unforgiveness is the gift that keeps on taking”. and yes, indeed it does…
        Original Grandpa

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