“Gentlemen, as you all know, a reservoir is composed of water. Except the part that holds the water. Which is made of concrete.” – Green Acres
You should be ashamed! (Found on Pinterest)
“You understand that it’s healthier to take cold showers. The data is clear.”
The Mrs.: “I don’t care.”
“Cold showers stimulate weight loss, increase alertness, and improve your immune system.”
The Mrs.: “I don’t care. And I don’t like it that you’re implying that I’m a fat, diseased, dullard.”
“But, cold showers lower stress and ease depression?”
The Mrs.: “No. You can’t talk yourself out of buying a water heater. We’re getting one today.”
The old hot water heater had stopped being automatically functional. We discovered that Christmas morning. And by “we” I mean The Mrs.
“Got bad news. I think the water heater is out. Shower was cool, like maybe the heater turned off 12 hours ago.” My shower was cold, too. Not “glacier on Everest” cold, more like, “implying that my wife is a fat, diseased, dullard” cold.
The heater would still light, but it would go out after about 20 or 30 minutes. And as much as I don’t respect Pugsley’s time, it seemed a bit much to ask Pugsley to go and relight the burner every 20 minutes for the next six years. Unless I chained Pugsley in the mechanical room, you know, for his own convenience.
But the heater going out was probably a faulty thermocouple. A thermocouple is a magical device made of elves that pokes the fire dragon inside of the water heater to let him know that the pilot light is still going so the dragon doesn’t spew unignited natural gas fire breath inside the house and make it go all Mount Doom. That appears to bother Allstate®, since my policy specifically excludes damage due to any Hobbit-related conditions. Strict, but I understand the business reasons for it.
Wait, this is a picture of Pugsley’s room . . .
I could tell my dragon-poking-fire-elf (thermocouple) had failed because he was singed, and his hands shook noticeably as he drank my scotch. He was used up. A thermocouple replacement is about $18. I think they’re that cheap because they’re made out of Chinese elves nowadays. The water heater is 14 years old, and, like a child, they have to be replaced at around that age. Since the previous owner installed it without a pan underneath it, when it failed we’d first notice when it started soaking everything in the house like a poodle with a bladder condition. Oh, sure I could put a pan under this one, but by that point I’d have to unhook it and do 90% of the work of replacing it. And then I’d have to buy a new one next year.
If we don’t allow illegal alien elves, who will power our iPhones?
So I replaced it. There was yelling, there was cursing, and then we finally got to the store to buy one.
I wasn’t expecting a cold shower on Christmas, I wasn’t expecting to buy a new water heater. But a lesson in health and life is: If you can’t control the situation, embrace it. So, I gave the water heater a big embrace as The Boy lifted it over the edge of the drip pan.
Life is a series of unplanned events. I once read a quote by Yogi Berra, “If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll end up someplace else.” And life is very much like that – nobody expects a broken water heater on Christmas. Since I saw the Heating and Air Conditioning Repair van outside a neighbor’s house yesterday, I’m betting they didn’t expect to wake up at 40°F in their house this morning. Guess they have elf problems, too. It’s a stereotype that elves don’t want to work after Christmas, but, really, let’s face the fact – the stereotype exists for a reason.
The new water heater is installed. And heating water. Don’t call it a “hot water heater”, because if the water was hot, why would I need to heat it? I’ll admit I did call one model a hot water heater while shopping. But in that case, it was a really sexy water heater. Just check out the nameplate:
I’m too sexy for my heater, too sexy for my heater, too sexy per square meter!
Sadly my family is now unhealthier, stuck as it is without the benefits of cold showers – the increased alertness, lower stress and depression. We are stuck with perfectly warm water for bathing, showering, and cooling down singed elves.
It couldn’t wait until the holidays were over. It’s water heater law. They either go out at any hour between 8 pm and 6 am, Sundays, or holidays.
The last water heater I replaced was my mother’s. Since it was gas, my brother (who was an expert in just about everything) connected the vent through the attic, and sweated the new copper fittings on the lines. I did the grunt work, including dragging the old one to the curb.
I was amazed by the price. Really? That much money for a thin tank, with a cheap burner assembly, inexpensive insulation, and two copper fittings?
The good thing about the event was the fact the water heater was located where it only leaked on concrete, and drained out the garage. When I sold her house, close examination revealed the rust stain where the water drained down the driveway.
I have no idea why they do that, but they do. I’ve had two computers fail on me when I had an important deadline on term papers.
I was all ready to sweat fittings – hadn’t done that for years, but in this case, just had to screw it in.
You really had your hilarity hat on this one. Always funny, but sometimes friggin hilarious. Of course, we all have different funny bones I suppose. Perhaps this tickled my barely suppressed nerd. Anyway, great job and thank you.
Thank you very much (sincerely)! I’m determined to get even funnier. I sharpen my wit with a file every night before I go to bed, but The Mrs. complains when I leave bits on the sheet.