The Most Inaccurate (but funniest) Predictions For 2023, Guaranteed.

“It’s getting almost predictable, isn’t it?”– The A-Team

What is a teenager under stress called?  A teenager.

Here is the annual Wilder Prediction Page, proven so far to be absolutely 0% right.  A few years ago I started to put actual predictions about economic and political stuff out quarterly.  Real ones.  The rationale behind that is, if I put it in writing and then revisited it, I at least owned it.

Those were absolutely the least popular posts I did.  They were like posts that were drenched in mosquito-carried Ebola AIDS.  I got the hint, “Shut up and play your piano, Wilder.”  I can see the reason, frankly.  That was a post about me and my thinking, and it wasn’t what I do best.

What do I do best online?  Writing about life, philosophy, and nonsense.  I also can prove that the Right can be funnier than the Left.  This is becoming more difficult in 2022, because they keep letting Kamala and Joe say words into a microphone.

So, welcome back to the nonsense!  In chronological order, here are my predictions for 2023.

January:

Russia appoints Charlie Sheen as the head of the Stavka.  He immediately gives the entire army a ration of Tiger Blood, declares they are “Winning” and passes out in pool of vomit.  We have no idea whose vomit, exactly, since “you can’t really dust for vomit.”  Sheen proves to be the most effective commander for the Russian army since Zhukov.

What did Charlie do when he was mad at his wife?  Rage against the Mrs. Sheen.

Six movies are released featuring Nic Cage, and seven people actually see three of them.

February:

Kamala Harris is featured in a major policy speech, talking about the massive snowstorm that hit the East Coast in early February.  The results were catastrophic, causing Chuck Schumer’s hair to freeze in place on Nancy Pelosi’s thighs.  Harris notes that this is “evidence of global warming, where the globe, which is a round thing hanging in space, is warming, which makes things cold because space has COVID.”

The California Legislature votes to allow “consenting adults to have sex with animals in schoolyards as long as the animals have claws or fangs, since that is a sign of consent.”  Governor Gavin Newsom signs the bill publicly, though the signing was difficult since both of his hands were wrapped in gauze.

March:

Volodymyr Zelensky demands the West send him “seventy bazillion dollars to rebuild the Ukraine on and, like, ten gajillion tanks” and that the heads of state of the EU personally retile the bathrooms in his Florida mansion.  “Be careful with the grout!”

What do Putin and Peter the Great have in common?  They both have 18^th Century Russian armies.

Wilder, Wealthy and Wise© welcomes the 500,000,000,000,000^th visitor, as it becomes the most popular website in the galaxy, as the hivemind of Melexcor III learns to appreciate dad jokes.

April:

The new COVID variant mRNA booster shot for  Super-Mega-Death-Cannibal-Famine® COVID is approved by the FDA because “Omigod, why won’t you damn people panic again!”  Australia implements “Super Peaceful Completely Voluntary We Mean It Leisure Camps”.

Disney® releases its new children’s film, Honey, I Turned All Our Children Hyperactive, Bipolar, Transgender, Gay, And Multiracial.  The three families that have hyperactive, bipolar, transgender, gay, and multiracial children attend, and the film’s three-week box office in 2,000 theaters is $90.  Disney© blames the audience for being, well, you get the idea.  The film loses $350 million at the box office.

May:

Elon Musk pulls off a rubber mask and indicates that, underneath, he was really Elon Musk.  “I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you pesky kids.”

The Supreme Court rules in the case of Idiots v. Rationality, that, “Uh, really, that’s a dude.  He may be wearing a dress, but, per the original understanding of the framers of the Constitution, that’s totally a dude.”

Back when I was a kid, if a spy had to go undercover dressed as a woman, that was a transmission.

June:

Joe Biden announces, for the thirteenth time, that he’s running for president.  “I promise to make America great again after the problems of the housing bubble that George W. Bush created.  America will once again be great, starting in 2009!”

Argentina declares war on Great Britain over the Falkland Islands.  Again.  They send their victorious World Cup® team in the initial invasion.  Great Britain counter-attacks with what they call “food”.  France surrenders.

July:

I might go on vacation for a week.  Maybe someplace where I don’t need air conditioning.

California governor Gavin Newsom declares “Citizenship Day” where everyone in the whole, wide world becomes a citizen of California.  Oklahoma declares war.  “No way are we gonna do that.”

August:

California becomes part of “Greater Oklahoma.”  “If only we had greater legal magazine capacities,” said Gavin Newsom before he was headed to a minimum-security prison with knitting classes in southern Oklahoma.

Biden announces that gasoline is now illegal.  “People have been burning that stuff up!  Not on my watch.  Now the only people that can have gasoline are,” (checks teleprompter) “people who are in disadvantaged communities that are the victims of systematic race horses.”

In 2023, a man can identify as a car, unless he doesn’t meet Federal standards.

September:

The 2023 NFL® season starts, with a new team name in Cincinnati.  The name, “Bengals” has been described as “transphobic” by NFL© Commissioner RuPaul, “They aren’t “Been gals, they’re totally gals!”  Their new team name is the Cincinnati LGBT 2S+.

The Beatles reunion is complete as Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney engage in a steel cage death match over who like John Lennon the least.  Neither ex-Beatle survive, since Ringo inexplicably chose hand grenades as a close-in melee weapon.

October:

Dammit.  More crap about the English royal family.  Oh, wait, that’s every month.  This month Meghan tells how King Charles made her pick cotton on the plantation in south Brighton for 20 hours a day because she didn’t curtsey properly.  Markel is beheaded in Piccadilly Square, and Queen Elizabeth II rises from the grave and fights Mecha George Washington on Skull Island.  Oh, wait, that was a dream I had.  Nevermind.

On Halloween, children are warned not to get double-secret COVID.

November:

An article appears in the New York Times™ titled, The Final Crusade Has Started:  Why That’s A Good Thing.  Deus Vult ensues.

I’m probably having some turkey and beer around Thanksgiving.  This one isn’t much of a stretch.

What band did Indiana Jones hate?  The Rolling Stones.

December:

Avatar XXII:  Why Slavery Is Bad is released.  James Cameron is executed at Times Square in New York City because that his comment, “I’m king of the world” was culturally insensitive and totally colonialist.  At least 500 people see Avatar XXII, with many reviewers noting that the blue fish people’s ethnic cleansing of the humans is “culturally insensitive”.

Wilder, Wealthy and Wise™ becomes the most popular website in history of the universe as time travelers from the year 28,764 discover that it is a humane alternative to their other form of capital punishment:  sitting in a comfy chair.