Tales of the Mayberry Collective

“By assimilating other beings into our collective, we are bringing them closer to perfection.” – Star Trek: First Contact

ANTIFA

The best thing about being in Antifa®? You never have to worry about taking off work to protest.

I heard with great excitement that Antifa® and #BlackLivesMatter™ had formed a new government. I was excited. It turns out that they sliced out a chunk of Seattle – six city blocks – and declared it the C.H.A.Z. Chaz isn’t just some guy that went to Princeton and polished Buffy while dating Daddy’s Rolls Royce. I mean, polished the Rolls while dating Princeton. But, anyway, it’s not that Chaz.

No. This C.H.A.Z. is the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone.

1PM, Wednesday:

I figured if starting their own autonomous zone was good enough for Antifa©, it was probably good enough for me, because what can’t I learn from a group of perpetually pampered trust fund baristas who haven’t managed to learn how to run a checking account?

I called a family council to discuss the decision, all while understanding that the concept of “family” was an outdated concept based on Heterosexual Privilege. In attendance at this first meeting of the as yet unnamed collective was me (John Wilder), The Mrs., The Boy (Home From College), and Pugsley (Snarky Teen Who Is Now Taller Than Me As Of Wednesday).

John Wilder: “Family, I think it’s time to stick it to the patriarchy.”

The Boy: “Pop. I hate to tell you this, you are the patriarchy.”

Pugsley: “Heh heh – you said stick it. Besides, what’s the favorite song of the patriarchy?”

The Mrs.: (Not looking up from the Wall Street Journal®) “It’s Reigning Men.”

Pugsley: “Score one for Mom!”

John Wilder: “No, this is serious. We must strike a symbolic blow for (I paused) something. I guess.”

The Mrs.: (Looking up from reading The Wall Street Journal®) “What are you up to now? Does it involve finally getting the hardwood floors installed or getting the garage cleaned out including that motorcycle of yours that hasn’t started since Johnny Depp ran out of money? If so, count me in. And while you’re at it, please clean the camping gear out of the rec room – there’s enough gear for the 82nd Airborne to conquer (she paused) Poland. Or France. France would be quicker. They probably wouldn’t even notice.”

ahfrance

I’d love to visit the caliphate on the Seine, especially in spring! (Reprinted with permission.)

John Wilder: “Good. It’s unanimous. I think we should name our new autonomous zone . . . Johnstown, in honor of me, the founder. We could have a symbolic flag. Hey! We could use the Kool-Aid® man. The Kool-Aid™ man could symbolize our fight to crash right through capitalism! Oh yeah!”

The Boy: “Ummm, I think that was already taken. (Thinking.) Oh, no, that was Jonestown, where a group of feel-good San Francisco liberals tried to create a peaceful, racially mixed utopian communal society in the South American jungle. Dad, I don’t think that ended well. And you might want to re-think the Kool-Aid®.”

KOOLAID

And they told me my second choice for the name of the collective, Heaven’s Gate, was another bad idea.

John Wilder: (Grudgingly) “Okay, you have a good point. Dang. And Johnstown had such a nice ring to it, like something that a newscaster would say. Okay. How about something more inclusive. What about the Wilder Autonomous Collective.”

Pugsley: “Well, if you want to go Full Soviet, and I don’t ever advise anyone to go Full Soviet, you need a Kommissar, right? That would make it the Wilder Autonomous Collective Kommissarat. But don’t turn around. Der Kommissar is in town.”

John Wilder: “Sounds great! But it’s not catchy enough. W.A.C.K. sounds silly.”

The Mrs.: “Y’all.”

John Wilder: “Y’all?”

The Mrs.: (Not looking up from the Wall Street Journal®) “Well, you must be true to the cultural roots of the collective. So, add Y’all to the end.”

I thought about fighting – no one in the house ever used “Y’all” on a regular basis. But in the interest of encouraging harmony, I didn’t fight.

John Wilder: “So, it’s agreed – The Wilder Autonomous Collective Kommisarat, Y’all. We’ll call it W.A.C.K.Y. for short.”

3PM, Wednesday:

In the interest of creating a truly autonomous collective, the first thing I did was go out to the street. We have a little vault where the water valve is. I turned it off.

The Mrs.: “John, would you call the county? Is there a problem with the water?”

John Wilder: “I turned it off at the street. If we are going to be an autonomous collective, we have to be, well, autonomous.”

BAM

The Mrs. would not let me Spice Weasel the water.

The Mrs.: “You’re not cutting off the water when I want to take a shower. What exactly is your genius plan for water?”

John Wilder: “Well, there’s the pond out back. We can bring in water and after we filter it and boil it you can use it for a sponge bath. Sound good?”

The Mrs.: “No. That sounds awful. Go back to the street and turn it back on. Right now. What other nonsense do you have planned?”

John Wilder: “Electricity. We should get rid of it. That’s how The Man gets you.”

The Mrs.: “Unless you are going to harvest the energy of a Pugsley’s teenage angst, you’re not turning the power off on a humid and hot day like this. Look (pointing at my legs) even your ankles are sweating. And that’s with the air conditioning on.”

Well, everyone has sweaty ankles, right?

CHAZ

Chaz is the man, right?

7 PM, Wednesday:

I decided to go door-to-door to my neighbors to ask if they wanted to join W.A.C.K.Y. They declined. I asked them to donate $500 to a fund for their personal defense. They declined. Maybe I need to bring guns and some large people next time to politely convince them of the peaceful aim of our collective? Because of that, I set up a border around W.A.C.K.Y. using a spray-painted line that says: “Do not cross unless you want to be W.A.C.K.Y.”

7 AM, Thursday:

I worked all night long and came up with a list of the W.A.C.K.Y. demands:

  • The Modern Mayberry Sheriff’s Department and attached court system are beyond reform. We do not request reform, we demand.  We demand that they apologize for giving me that ticket for rolling that four-way stop back in 2013 even though the judge dismissed it and it cost me nothing.
  • In the transitionary period between now and the dismantlement of the Modern Mayberry Sheriff’s Department, we demand that they give us a ride in the Dodge® Charger they got last year. And allow us to turn on the siren.
  • We demand that not the County government, nor the State government, but that the Federal government launch a full-scale investigation into why I got that ticket for rolling that four-way stop back in 2013.
  • We demand reparations for victims of all people who were unjustly accused of rolling four-way stops.
  • We demand a retrial of all balding men who got tickets, by a jury of their peers in their community. Oh, that’s the law already? Never mind.
  • We demand decriminalization of almost maybe rolling a four-way stop, and amnesty for drivers generally, but specifically those involved in what has been termed “The Going to Wal-Mart® for Grilling Supplies Rebellion” against the terrorist cell that previously occupied this area known as the Mayberry Sheriff’s Department. This includes the immediate release of all people who grill that are currently being held in prison.
  • We demand that the funding previously used for Socialized Health and Medicine, free public housing, and Naturalization services for illegal aliens be given to us as steaks and grilling supplies.

I had The Mrs. post my demands on Facebook®. The only reply that she would share with me was, “Looks like John has a case of the Mondays!”

MONDAY

One advantage of having your own autonomous collective? You never have a case of the Mondays, because life never changes and you don’t get weekends off.

6PM, Thursday:

I look in the fridge. The fridge is mostly full, but the items – a large pot with half a boiled potato, lettuce from the Pleistocene, and something that may be meatloaf or might be celery is on the bottom shelf. It gets worse from there.

The Mrs. is in the other room, so I ask her, “Hey, what’s for dinner?”

The Mrs.: “Well, I was going to go to Wal-Mart® and pick up some steaks and bratwurst and ingredients for a homemade fettuccine Alfredo. But you erected a concrete and steel barricade in the driveway that reminded me of the Berlin Wall, so all I have is pimento loaf and ramen.

PIMEN

They say that communism causes hunger. Now I see the ugly truth. It does. Can anyone spare some steak for the W.A.C.K.Y. people? I really don’t like pimento loaf, which always reminded me of bologna’s pimply friend.

Okay, none of that happened, except for the C.H.A.Z. business in Seattle. That’s real. And the funny thing is that the fictional Wilder Autonomous Collective Kommissarat, Ya’ll was more successful in every way to C.H.A.Z. Here are actual things that have happened at C.H.A.Z. up to this writing:

  • C.H.A.Z. ran out of food on day two. Communism in the Internet age is even faster than the old Soviet version. That’s progress, comrade!
  • They went from “no police” to having a gang chasing down and beating up people for putting graffiti on graffiti that the gang liked. I’m sure modern, trained police with body cameras would have launched a graffiti artist into the Sun, so he got off lightly!
  • They installed a garden to feed themselves by putting dirt on top of cardboard and then putting plastic potted plants on top of the dirt. They put Christmas lights around the garden, I guess because that helps communist plants grow? Regardless, I’m sure they’ll be able to feed at least one of their citizens, if that citizen is wheelchair bound and doesn’t breathe too heavily.
  • Issued a list of demands LINK.
  • They roughed up local businesses looking for “contributions” of $500 each for “protection.” Is that a daily, weekly or monthly payment? No one knows.
  • Someone offered C.H.A.Z a cow. A milk cow. C.H.A.Z. was against this. Why? The cow doesn’t produce soy milk. Also? Milk is rape. Yes. Liberals think that a cow having to have a calf to become a milk cow is rape. You cannot make this stuff up.
  • Turned a coffee shop into a “public stage.”
  • Created a public speech area as well, because six blocks requires two stages.
  • Turned a baseball field into a “relaxation and therapy zone.”
  • Turned a wannabe rapper into a warlord who runs the local goon squad. No body cameras or courts. Yay! What an efficient system. Have a gun in C.H.A.Z.? Guess you’re in charge now!
  • Instituted borders, even though they think that Federal immigration laws should be abolished.

EaLreaaXkAUv0Rr

I based the list of demands above on theirs. It looked like it was written by a group of earnest fourth graders using words they don’t quite understand but who whine at a 11th grade level.

C.H.A.Z. is more W.A.C.K.Y. than W.A.C.K.Y. ever was.

The only difference is that I know that I’m joking.

Author: John

Nobel-Prize Winning, MacArthur Genius Grant Near Recipient writing to you regularly about Fitness, Wealth, and Wisdom - How to be happy and how to be healthy. Oh, and rich.

36 thoughts on “Tales of the Mayberry Collective”

  1. John, you silly Yankee. Your collective is doomed from the very start because you can’t even spell it’s name right.

    Its “Y’all”, not “Ya’ll”.

    (See what I did there?)

  2. What bugs me isn’t C.H.A.Z., it’s that somehow a mayor and a governor think that it’s acceptable to cede a few blocks of territory with innocent and probably terrified quiet taxpayers.

    1. Oh no. That section of Seattle is anthing but innocent. It’s SocJus Central, and every, man-woman, woman-man, and dragon-kin, has been begging for a Socialist Utopia and cheering on Antifa…(albeit in other people’s neighborhoods.)

      Talk about getting what you “wanted” good and hard.

  3. “…there’s enough gear for the 82nd Airborne to conquer (she paused) Poland.”

    As a person with Polish roots, the perception that we were pushovers still burns my britches. Surprise attack by the Wehrmacht from the west. Red Army piles on from the east. Both lusting for land and resources. All the while, waiting and waiting for our buddies to lend a hand. Not exactly the best position to be in.

    Rant over…Pardon me as a I walk to the corner and sulk with my arms crossed. Occasionally waving my fist in the air in defiance.

      1. Thank Allah the Nazi’s were defeated. Otherwise we’d all be talking German now and the United Kingdom wouldn’t be a super power. Rhodesians are super happy that they sent 1/4 of their population to fight in WWI & WWII. They sure got their reward good and hard

        1. Eh. They Nat. Soc. were fool Socialists as well. They’d’ve screwed the pool pretty well in their own way as well.

          We’re the architects of our own destruction America and England as well.

    1. Imagine committing acts of ethnic cleansing, murdering thousands of unarmed civilians then acting like you’re the injured party when the neighbor steps in and stops you.

        1. *Requires the purchase of an East Prussia of equal or greater value. Other terms and conditions may apply. Your mileage may vary. The cener cannot hold. Burma Shave.

        2. As one of OstPreussisches descent, I second the motion. A good part of my family is lying scattered around Konigsberg und Russland.
          However we are outnumbered by those who don’t understand history and have been brainwashed by their Bolshevik handlers. I wish them luck in their next 50 yrs.

  4. My theory about CHAZ is that we should send in the military to force them out, we should send in the military to wall them in ala Escape from New York. Put up walls and landmines so they can’t escape, focus some HD cameras for surveillance and watch the fun unfold. Within 48 hours all of the noodle armed antifa white kids will be the sex slaves of the more diverse members of CHAZ, A few days after that the food will run out and they will start eating the fat purple haired gender fluid chicks.Within a week some black guy calling himself The Duke will be running his own little fiefdom. Who wouldn’t pay to watch that?

  5. Point Of Order:

    You both abbreviated and misspelled the Wilder Homestead Autonomous Collective Kommisariat, Y’all.
    Abbreviated W.H.A.C.K.Y.

    Please correct the materials.

    There was also some rumbling that we may, at some point, be treated to the further adventures of the Wilder Homestead Autonomous Collective Kommisariat Educational Directorate, especially with one member enrolled (or is it entrolled?) in what passes for college these days. Remember, the only true subversion occurs from within. Drawing white hoods on chalkboards in empty classrooms, captioned “Check your Black Privilege” is just the beginning. Leaving cards in the cafeteria serving line that say “These burgers made from grass-destroying cows, which saves 400 pounds of methane emissions annually from prevented cow flatulence” is Phase Two. Anyone that can’t get to phase 200 within a year isn’t college material to begin with. Stick It To The Man.

    We live in hope.

    Now put the gun down, and tell me where I send the emergency vegan foodstuffs.
    I hope you don’t mind waiting a bit, since I already shipped all my bags (plural) of lawn clippings and raked leaves to C.H.A.Z.
    Labeled “salad greens”.

    The neighbor’s pooch also contributed some crunchy croutons to that mix.

    What can I say? I’m a giver.

    1. I love it! Though we have to find another “h” word, because some people don’t have a home and we must be 100% entirely inclusive.

  6. Our external enemies are laughing their asses off and funneling cash and arms to the CPUSA or democrats.
    This is the Great Leap Forward, Fundamental Transformation, Bolshevik Revolution redux.
    How will the CHAZ comrades get their Starbucks or post up the latest raging with the machine if they can’t charge up their Macbooks? Operating a latte machine is out of the skill set of the trust fund poseurs and solar panels take all day to charge up a sailfawn (cellphone) and Macbooks.
    Are there plenty of Birkenstocks for the comrades? Maybe a pot dispensary in the glorious people’s collective utopia will pass out some free care packages. The utopian zone needs a Hot Topic for a Cliché Guevara shirt distribution.

    A dangerously sick society of overabundance on the verge of collapse. (stolen from the www)

  7. You mention Poles.
    As I understand their situation during the 1930s and 40s (and 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s), they were oppressed by some of their privileged neighbors.
    Then the Roosevelt/Stalin Collective — funded by One-Percenters (aka TheMalignantOverlords) through Roosevelt — oppressed the Poles by giving them — as if people are property! — to Stalin for his amusement in his Autonomous Zone.

    Sadly, Stalin’s idea of ‘amusements’ differed from those of the Poles.
    And the Ukrainians.
    And the Bulgarians.
    And a few other folks, too.
    Tragically, after the People Of Privilege moved on, the whole of eastern Europe lost much of their infrastructure maintainers and servicers, causing an awful lot of disrepair.

    *****

    In other news, after his InternetServiceProvider failed to maintain their infrastructure, James M Dakin at BisonPrepper announced he isn’t waiting to be ‘de-platformed’ by his blog host.
    Bison is quitting the blog.

    This comes after Bison described the key indicator TheMalignantOverlords are abandoning an area.
    I see this as:
    *** They reduce infrastructure maintenance and customer-servicing because they are moving to a new Autonomous Zone to ‘locust’.
    Welcome to ‘the new normal’!

    1. What happened to Eastern Europe was a crime, but today they hate communism more than almost uniformly.

      I heard it first from you, Marge. Not happy. But I don’t think he’ll be talked out of it, either.

  8. I read their Utopia is low on food, and they’re requesting help. I’m sure everyone sending food has their best interests at heart, all food will be good, and the leaders will never force a local to eat the food before they try their share….just in case someone really doesn’t like them, and has no qualms on helping with some severe stomach disorders.

  9. How come do they have power and sewer and water? I would shut it all down and let this new country provide their own services.
    How about shutting down the cell towers in protest areas so they can’t communicate where to loot and set stuff on fire.

  10. John – – I may have missed something about your autonomous enclave: W.A.C.K. Y’all…….so correct me if I am wrong.

    When you have to sneak through enemy lines to replenish your grilling essentials, is it correct to say that at such a moment in time you are: wacked-out ?? And if the rest of your enclave sneaks out with you, are you, as a group, “ totally wacked-out “ ??

    Jest askin’……..

  11. Besides that “food stolen” tweet, I also saw one showing a sign asking for donations of socks, t-shirts, deodorant (hippies stinking? no way!), soap, cigarettes and lighters, hair product, etc. I also saw several videos showing the local gang leader beginning to enforce order through beatings and extort local businesses.

    In other words, within 24 hours of a communist regime taking over there were bread lines, rationed consumer goods, and the rise of Stalin’tavius.

    1. Like the joke I used on today’s post:
      Q: What’s the best way to kill communists?

      A: Communism.

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