âTo cover some hot news?  Like the Lincoln-Douglas debates?â â Kolchak, the Night Stalker

I have a lot of experience with debate â I use debate to catch defish.
This is the post where weâll do the liveblogging in the comments tomorrow. I know there are probably some technically better ways to do it, but Iâm going this way because everyone already knows how to get here and how to hit the refresh button on your browser. Clumsy as a pit bull doing brain surgery? Sure. But thatâs politics.
This will be the last debate for both Joe Biden and Donald Trump. Thatâs not as bold a prediction as it might sound at first.
Donald will either retire after his next term (most likely), declare himself emperor (second most likely) so heâs done. But if he declares himself emperor, imagine the reign of Trump Barron the First, as he annexes first Canada in Operation Leafblower, then Mexico in Operation Tequila Shooter, and finally Europe. There wonât need to be an actual military action to take over Europe, theyâll just send over six Texans with varmint rifles to handle the light work. As long as the Texans speak the national language of Europe, Arabic, itâll be easy.

Iâm sure this was what the Resistance was fighting for, nâest-ce pas? (used with permission)
In this timeline, we all rise and salute the birth of the American Empire where there is a burger in every mouth, and riding mowers for every butt. But there is another timeline.
Joe Biden is obviously still good at reading things if heâs had his Ovaltine® and seven straight days in a hyperbaric Tupperware⢠container. Since there wonât be a teleprompter at this debate, heâll have to make due with radio signals. If Joe wins, however, there is zero, and I mean zero probability that he will be able to finish a term as president without being removed from office because he lost every memory that occurred after that time his grandpa made him a scooter by nailing rollerskates to planks during the War of 1812.
Biden is gone, mentally. If Biden is elected, Iâm expecting that President Harris will take over by, oh, February. She and Vice President Amy Schumer will then begin the exhausting task of attempting to subvert everything that produced prosperity in America. I predict theyâll start by introducing a strict set of regulations governing how food in breakroom refrigerators is treated, even though Antifa® will by this time have conquered Sesame Street® and have declared it a sovereign nation, with focus on the letter âCâ, the number â1917â and the month of âOctoberâ.

Joe Biden finished a Sesame Street puzzle in only six hours. He was proud.  On the box it said three to five years!
In a rare scoop for this website, I have obtained internal Biden-Harris campaign emails discussing the response to the ongoing Chinese Water Torture® release of ever more damning information about the Biden family.
From:Â Joe Biden
Date:Â October 16, 2020
To:Â Jennifer Dillon (Campaign Manager for Joe Biden – J.W.)
Subject:Â Hunterâs Sex Drive
Melanie. I mean Susan. How do I switch this thing over to Showtime®?
Can I get some of those hard candies? The yellow ones. The peppermint ones make my eyes ache, which makes it hard to read the helicopter. Butterstache are my favorite.
Did I hear someone say that Hunterâs sex drives have been found? There were people yelling that as I was, well, Iâm not sure what I was doing. But why is everyone worried about Hunterâs sex drives? Wasnât him knocking up a stripper proof enough, you dog faced pony soldier? The manâs got plenty of sex drives.
Â
From:Â Jennifer Dillon
Date:Â October 16, 2020
To:Â Joe Biden
Subject:Â Re:Â Hunterâs Sex Drives
Boss,
No, what they found were hard drives from Hunterâs old computers. It seems that he took laptops from the Beau Biden Foundation (the place where we launder get money from Soros and the Clintons) and then used them for Facebook® and porn surfing. I think he liked Netflixâ¢, too, but it seems that heâs using your login information. At least I hope thatâs the case, and that it wasnât you watching Cuties every night since it came out.
All we can piece together is that, incredibly high on crack, Hunter couldnât figure out why the computers werenât working. The fact that he hadnât charged them in a month was a mystery to his drug-addled brain â he kept getting new computers and using them and then, assuming they were broken, took them all in to get repaired.
He had no idea, zero, of where he took them. Did you know he was sniffing model airplane glue again?
Looks like he did give the repair place his password, âBIDEnROX69DUDE.â
Â
From:Â Joe Biden
Date:Â October 17, 2020
To:Â Jennifer Dillon
Subject:Â Re: Re: Hunterâs Sex Drives
Oh. The n doesnât look right. Is that how they spell now?
Iâm glad heâs making models again. Spent enough money on that kidâs model making hobby when he was a kid to buy a Syrian child. Funny, Hunter said he just needed the glue â he said he could make his own kit. He was dedicated â making models until he was thirty-five!
Where are my pants? Has anyone seen that Filipino kid? The one who smells like jasmine in the jungle? I need someone to rub my feet.
From:Â Jennifer Dillon
Date:Â October 17, 2020
To:Â Joe Biden
Subject:Â Re: Re: Re: Hunterâs Sex Drives
Boss,
Great news! I called up our contacts at Twitter®, Googleâ¢, and Facebook© and theyâve all agreed to make sure NO ONE sees this story. It turns out that these emails suggest you took millions of dollars of money from Hunter and then used the power of the United States Government to cover it up!
Our team did a great job on the cover up. And I think that we can count on places like Snopes®, the New York Times©, and the Washington Post⢠to bury this until after Kamala takes over youâre elected president!
Weâll just hide you until the debate. Weâll practice on Wednesday. And no walking outside in your bathrobe like last week.
From:Â Joe Biden
Date:Â October 20, 2020
To:Â Jennifer Dillon
Subject:Â Re: Re: Re: Hunterâs Sex Drives
Just got up. Man, I feel better. What was in that blue pill?
The Facebook® is that button on my Blackberryâ¢, right? I just press it. Then my snap chats, right?
How did you fix the button on my thingamabob so that it doesnât talk to me about Hunterâs sex drives? Did you have to change the floppy drive?
Oh, and if we want to practice debating, we should get Jeffery Toobin in here. I hear heâs a master debater.

I hear Jeffrey Toobin wrote a romance novel â it was a real tearjerker.
Okay, these arenât really their emails. I donât know about you, but Iâd love to see the real emails. Theyâre probably higher in actual humor value than these.
See you tonight. Iâll even drag The Mrs. downstairs for the final debate.




































































